(This is not the one who was stalking me)

Trigger warning though.

I was posting there looking for anyone who would want to sleep with me. Let’s not get into the details as to why. He asked a lot of times if I’m okay with it. Note this: the plan was to stay all night. At first I wasnt okay and it was beyond obvious . But as time went on and he hugged me, I felt pretty good that someone did touch me. He gave me alcohol and kept insisting to drink, I drank something for the first time in my life and downed it pretty fast. He laughed. It helped. I was feeling very well. He really made me feel better, and wanted. Which has never happened to me? And then it went on and it hurt so much, literally the worst pain in my entire life. I was screaming like, very very loudly. But he still asked if I wanted it.

Even though I was in horrible pain, I kept saying yes. But physically I was pushing away instinctively. He offered to cover my mouth because I was screaming from pain, and he told me to stop pushing him away, “you won’t push me away”. By the end he said I’ll pin you down and you won’t be able to move, so he did. I had asked him to use a condom, he did not. . Long story short, he had a problem Because I was bleeding and kicked me out with a stupid be careful on the road. I told him to kill himself. I didnt even have the courage to go home or get up from 10 pm to 7 am, at a bench, even though I was freezing. I went to get some food and they noticed my hand was bloody. I hadn’t even noticed. I don’t even know anymore. The messages I sent him after being kicked out were horrible, but I had freaked out when I realized how much I was still bleeding.

I threatened him psychotically. Said I’d kill myself . He said sorry I just have blood phobia because I’m a rape victim, but he never asked to come back or he never came to see me (he knew I was still around). I kept threatening. He deleted his account and anywhere I could reach him. It’s like he never existed and I made all up. If I wasn’t bleeding, I’d have believed it was all made up. I am completely dissociated, imagine that I didnt even remember my credit card codes or name at all. I could not even find my home. I feel so horrible, probably the most in my entire life. Worst is nobody in my life knew until police didn’t respect my right for privacy, and my parents learnt everything. It’s all ruined.

I never said no. I did push him and he did say they I won’t push. I wanted to tell him to go slower but he was getting faster the more I was screaming from pain so I didn’t even say it. I just said “yes”. And repeated what he asked me to say.

We had said I wanted to hurt, he knew my horrible mental state and this was his first message about – that he liked me because I was self destructive and -crazy-. Apparently he stalked my profile on that forum.

Was I an asshole? I don’t even feel bad anymore for kicking me out, I am drowning in guilt.

I am currently hospitalized in the psychiatric department. I am truly suffering most than ever in my entire life. (He is out there, living and enjoying his life.)

• This topic was modified 1 day, 3 hours ago by misses98.