It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Concerned Mom” whose ex-boyfriend, whom she dated for five years while recovering from a domestically abusive relationship, still wanted to be in her kids’ lives. She explains that she cheated on him and was not able to effectively move on from their relationship. She said: “I was also diagnosed with MS and had a lot of fear and overwhelming emotions going on — so instead of visiting the kids, he just kept in touch with them through texts. Now, a year and half later, he feels we’ve all adjusted and he wants to start seeing them again. I feel that since he’s now dating a new woman and building a future with her, it doesn’t make sense to have him visit my kids.” After the jump, find out whether or not she allowed her ex to see her kids or not.
Finally, I took my son’s phone and texted him that he was being passive aggressive and hurtful and wrong by communicating to my kids vs. me and keeping me from knowing what he’s doing. He wrote saying he doesn’t want any drama or anything else either and can he be in the kids’ lives, yes or no. I told him he wasn’t in a high school relationship with me and the last two years after our five-year relationship meant something to me and my kids. He didn’t care. He hasn’t written to me since. I’m about to pack up expensive jewelry that he gave me and mail it to him and close this forever. He called me selfish for being upset that he was in a relationship with another women vs. concentrating on my kids. I feel that was manipulative on his part. I might be heart-broken. I might have caused the end of that relationship, but his lies and excuses and all of it was too much for me to be okay. I wish I had just walked away two years ago.
I’m really confused (and I bet your ex is too). In your letter to me that you sent in July, you knew he was starting a new relationship with someone, so why are you acting like this 6-month relationship is news to you? In my advice to you, which you should re-read, I suggested you NOT see your ex and that you should close communication between him and your kids since you were feeling so emotionally unstable and having a hard time dealing with the idea of his dating someone new. I also suggested you get therapy. I still very much think that’s a good idea. What’s not a good idea though is sending back expensive jewelry to your ex. Talk about passive aggressive. If you can’t stand the idea of having it in your home, donate it or sell it. Sending gifts back to an ex you cheated on and then got angry at for moving on with a new girlfriend a year and a half after you broke up is not a good look.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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