Copa

I actually work with my old company and role a bit at my new job. Learning the depth of the dysfunction was validating — I kept second guessing my decision to leave during my notice period.

Meant to mention re: Japan that we’ve decided to forgo the rail passes. I thought we’d do a weeklong pass but according to all the calculators we’ll save money without it. Will report back. I think we leave 5 weeks from tomorrow!

Late to this party, but I agree with others about how this guy behaved and why.

Narcissist is an actual diagnosable clinical disorder that is rare but has become somewhat of an online buzzword where people are armchair diagnosing narcissists left and right, which is problematic. The vast majority of these people — like this guy — are likely just selfish, self-centered jerks.

Anyway, wanted to add that to move on, do your best to create as much distance as possible. I don’t know what platform you are using that you can tell he deleted you from his contacts, then added you back. Even paying attention to something like that is keeping you hung up on the “why” of his behavior. The “why” never really matters. I know it can feel like if only you had a logical explanation for his behavior, you’d be able to move on, but the reality is that even if you had some kind of firm explanation, it’d still not feel like closure. Good on you for blocking the guy. If you need to, write down the facts of how he treated you so that you can read them any time you catch yourself wondering why or romanticizing the guy. Focus on and pour into yourself. Spend time with friends and family. Cultivate your interests — take a workshop, sign up for a class, try a new hobby volunteer. Anything you’ve ever wanted to try, do it. Do your best to look back as little as possible. If you find yourself ruminating, try to distract yourself. If you need the support of a therapist, there’s no shame in that. Just keep moving forward in big and small ways — if you mess up, get back on track. It gets easier. One day you’ll look back and the guy will give you the ick.

I’m curious what your personal life looks like outside of romantic relationships. Do you have platonic relationships with friends and family that you find fulfilling? Hobbies that you look forward to? Are you actively looking for a job that is a better fit? When I was single, having a routine and life I genuinely liked made finding a partner feel like less of a priority. I still wanted partnership, but having a full life meant I didn’t have the same urgency around finding a good match, took the process more in stride, and made better decisions.

IMO this reads like you’ve been dating from a place of desperation over the past few months when you’re also not even a year out of an 8+ year unhealthy relationship (and your prior marriage was also long-term and unhealthy). I assume there are deeper issues going on and therapy would be a great place to start.

It was an emotional rollercoaster for sure. I kept telling myself that when something worked out, it’d feel like everything worked out as it meant to. And it’s cheesy, but that is how I feel right now. This role is better suited for me than others I was a finalist for, while still allowing room for growth, and I felt at ease/like I really meshed with the team. Hope to continue feeling that way.

I wish you luck in your continued job search, PTL! It’s not the easiest market out there for job seekers right now.

I don’t think this is weird.

I’m curious if there are larger issues of jealousy or lack of trust at play here since you seemed to feel insecure when you thought she was just a HS friend from 20 years ago.

I’m not tight with everyone I went to HS with anymore (I’m creeping up on 20 years removed myself). Same is true for college friends. I don’t live locally to most of these people. I still love them for who they were and what they meant to me years ago, even if we no longer share that day-to-day closeness or speak often (which does also include a couple exes, none of whom I have lingering feelings for). And I remember some of their parents very, very fondly, too. I once burst into tears at an airport when my mom called to tell me a childhood best friend’s grandpa died — he was awesome! It’s not weird to fall out of touch but still have love in your heart. It’s not weird to want to pay your respects at a funeral when given the opportunity. I think you ought to let it go.

I sincerely don’t understand why you bother with a psychiatrist if you don’t want to be medicated. And I will also add that, though I don’t know what you were prescribed or in which doses, you’re not supposed to stop taking some medications without talking to your physician first! I feel like you are doing yourself a huge disservice every step of the way. If you can get your mental health stabilized, you have a much better shot at managing the symptoms of your other ailments.

I am curious, since you mentioned it, if your primary reason for not wanting to take the meds you were prescribed is because you fear regaining the weight you lost? Not judgment at all if that’s why — I failed my “mood quiz” at my annual check-up this year and told my doctor straight up that I’ve wondered for about a year now if I should ask about anti-depressants, but 1) felt embarrassed to ask for that kind of help, and 2) am scared of weight gain. He didn’t judge me for saying that aloud. We came up with a game plan that included trying the more “weight neutral” drugs first and at a low dose. I’m a few months in now. Like I said, the first thing I tried didn’t work. But the second prescription seems to be working for me so far. I’m sleeping better and feel more motivated to do things like exercise again (something I’ve typically enjoyed but in the past year or so have not wanted to do). I actually think I’ve lost a little weight. The right drugs to manage your mental health won’t make you feel awful.