Copa
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
We hosted my (divorced) parents and sister this afternoon and for dinner. It was stressful. The cleaning, the shopping, the cooking and hosting. I wish I enjoyed being around them but I’m very high strung when we’re together, so I am glad everyone is gone.
This December felt more rushed and stressed than usual, and it’s always a month that feels jam packed for me in a way I don’t even find pleasant.
Tomorrow we will be the guests and not the hosts, but have morning plans with my family then afternoon/evening plans with the boyfriend’s family who live in a far flung suburb.
Alright, now that it’s Christmas Eve, can do a breakdown of what I/we bought/spent on some gifts.
I got the boyfriend socks and a book about mezcal with cocktail recipes ($35 or so total).
We got the 13-year-old niece a Lululemon belt bag ($44) and the 10-year-old niece two craft kits (~$40). We see them tomorrow and split the cost of their gifts. Gift cards for the other three that we will not see and the bf took care of that.
I got my mom, sister, and I matching “cozy wrap jackets.” These were pricier, like $70 each, but I had store cash to offset the cost.
I got my dad a vase from my pottery studio ($35) and the bf’s mom a bowl I made (priceless). I got the bf’s SIL a book I think she’ll like — we like exchanging books — and a tote bag from the book store, which is run by a literacy nonprofit I volunteer for ($25).
So yes. My guesstimate of ~$50 or less per person with some splurges mixed in was accurate. The cozy wrap jacket was the splurge of the season but I didn’t pay full price.
I am excited for the festivities to end actually, haha. I can never relax until gifts are given and any hosting obligations are over. I hope you all enjoy the holidays and get to rest and recharge.
Sorry, on my phone and picked the wrong thread to update. I was going for the Xmas gifts thread but obviously botched that ha.
Maybe you’d be better off cutting ties with your ex altogether.
I think it’s normal to remember (at least some) exes fondly and to have a special place in your heart for them. I feel that way about a couple of mine. If you miss specific things about them, I don’t think that’s inherently a bad thing.
About a year or so ago, my iPhone did me dirty and put together one of those slideshows with music that heavily featured an ex who really hurt me, the breakup had a profound negative mental and emotional impact on me and it took a bit to recover. We did not keep in touch, I haven’t seen or spoken to the guy since a few months post breakup and that was years ago. I don’t care how he’s doing and can’t say I wish him well. I didn’t even finish the slideshow, but found myself having weird dreams about my ex for a few weeks, waking up sad and dwelling a bit because of the dreams. I brought it up in therapy and cried in that session, but talking through the emotions coming up for me was helpful.
Any time something is impacting the quality of your daily life — including memories of an ex — you can schedule some time to talk to a therapist. If you immediately jumped into a new relationship, maybe you never really took the time to grieve and need to do that now.
Yes to what others are saying about the name-calling being abusive, horrible behavior. It’s not normal. It’s not okay.
Also, being emotional and sensitive does not preclude you from being smart and practical. You’re not less intelligent just because he tells you so. People who are *actually* smart and secure? Yeah, those people are confident in who they are, they know they don’t have anything to prove, so they don’t have to walk around braying about how smart they are or calling other people stupid.
I think this relationship has run its course. I also think therapy would be a great idea for you. You can work on the damage this relationship has done to your self-esteem and get the support you may need to leave and let go.
Re: social media. You’re here on this forum presumably without your parents’ knowledge, right @IDEK? I did things my parents didn’t know about online as a teen (nothing sketchy), but the internet was a different place then. I’m mid-30s, I feel like a lot of my peers made mistakes on social media because we were young when it was young. SO many inappropriate partying photos were plastered online when I was in college, I assume even the deleted stuff is still out there somewhere. A college roommate almost had a job offer rescinded over something she posted once, she had her phone on speaker when HR called to talk to her about “something awkward.” An ex’s wife accidentally outed herself as a creepy weirdo who kept very close tabs on me via FB, then a couple years later her IG behavior verified that she was more bonkers than I realized (kinda funny, kinda unnerving). When I was online dating, I had a couple guys find me via social media and contact me that way to bypass the mutual matching function, which made me feel exposed. Things can get weird online, you should be careful, and I know it gets way worse than anything I’ve seen or experienced. I think a smart parent would keep an eye on social media and online behavior, but outright banning it assuming responsible use seems extreme at 16. My boyfriend’s oldest niece is 17, her IG is public and some of her photos are super thirst trap-y. If I were her parents I’d do what I could to get her to lock it down. And don’t even get me started on parents who use their kids as content.
“Its a big neighborhood where not everyone knows each other so its not surprising that he brought a friend”
It sounds like he brought the friend in that instance? Though yes, I do understand that she’s been pursuing a fake friendship with the friend too. IDK. I can’t really follow the chronology of events and I’m confused how she knows him well enough to hang out but not well enough to ask for or have his number even casually.
Also, if HE is the one bringing his friend on your hangouts (if I’m reading that correctly)… I mean… is that really for his gen z safety? I’d assume a guy didn’t like me romantically if he threw his friend into our hangout. But again, I’m really not sure if I’ve followed every detail here.
I think the problem is that they don’t hang out routinely and have only spoken once, but IDK if I’ve followed every detail here. By late HS, I was fine talking to boys I knew. I do remember noticing a few guys around my neighborhood that I thought were cute when I was 17-18 who probably went to a different HS or possibly were college commuters, and I’d have had NO clue how to get to know those guys back then since our paths never really crossed. I assume this scenario is similar-ish to that, though they at least seem acquainted even if I don’t understand the connection… which should make it a lot easier. Pretty much all of my early dating experiences until I jumped online for the first time in my mid-20s were guys I met at school, through (existing) friends/at parties, or at work.
Anyway, I’m curious for an update since I think the holiday party was last night. How did it go, @IDEK?
ETA: As a college sophomore, I was walking home from a party with a couple friends and met a guy who was walking home from a different party with a couple of his friends. Somehow we started talking? He added me on FB, then contacted me on AIM, then we exchanged numbers. (Why we did not exchange numbers while on our respective ways home, I could not tell you.) Once we exchanged numbers, we made plans. When I brought up using online platforms as a tool, that’s what I mean. I don’t mean having any kind of prolonged or inappropriate online contact that would make your parents upset. I meant using it as a tool to help facilitate in-person activities and dates, especially if it feels lower stakes than asking for his number.
I’m sure this forum has seen 12-14 year olds. As well as plenty of folks who I assume are teens based on what they wrote and then it turns out they’re, like, 43.
Anyway, I can give you grace for acting childish because you are still a child whether you’re 13 or 16. I was what I’d consider a later bloomer but that for me meant I had a lot of crushes from afar until I was like 17. I have one distinct memory from just after I turned 19 that feels like the moment I realized I had truly found my confidence in flirting/dating.
If having a conversation with this guy is too hard, if you can’t give him a small compliment and smile at him, you can just… stop scheming and enjoy the crush. Crushes are fun. Heck, sometimes getting to know someone is the fastest way to stop crushing cause you realize they kinda suck.
Ok, he’s a neighborhood pal and not a classmate — got it! Even still, you’ve already hung out with him and his friend as a trio for safety (a couple of times if I am understanding this correctly). Why continue to involve his friend at all? This is the most roundabout way of trying to get a crush’s attention and I think it’ll prove ineffective. Right now, you are trying to befriend his friend to get closer to him and not from any real desire to be her friend from what I can tell. That’s… not very nice.
If you see him at the neighborhood holiday party you referenced, strike up a conversation. You can be a little flirty — it’s okay to do that, it doesn’t have to be over-the-top. You don’t have to make a declaration that you like him when you ask for his number. Even a casual, “Hey, I realized I don’t have your number!” then hand him your phone for him to put it in.
I also can really relate to what @Anonymousse wrote about being shy but still being able to be bold in love. I’m similar, but have typically been okay putting myself out there when I’m interested in something or someone. No regrets, even in the situations where the outcome wasn’t what I wanted.
