Copa
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@TheLadyE – Wow! Definitely crazy, but at least she’s on your side about wanting him to never bother you again? Yikes!
@MissDre – Have a wonderful trip!I have a third date tonight. (I can’t even think of a clever nickname for this guy.) We’re going to some kind of taco Tuesday round-up. There’s a meme online that says, “Ideal date: we go get tacos. I eat 13. You are impressed and not at all grossed out,” which I think is hilarious because I probably do love tacos THAT much. My favorite tacos in this city are at a little hole-in-the-wall taqueria inside of a Mexican grocery store, and I was so excited to hear he knows of it.
@Cleopatrat_30 People are busy, so I know it can be hard to schedule a time/place to meet, but I’m like you and will walk away without meeting if it gets to the point where coordinating is more effort than it’s worth. If he reaches out again, I’d block him. FWIW, if he reaches out again despite telling him several times that you are no longer interested, you can pretty safely file him away under “bullets dodged.”
“Powering through the next few hours” — whoa, @quark, your dates are super long! Ha. I think of first dates from online more as a sanity/super basic compatibility check. I rarely do anything more than drinks for the first date, so the bad dates usually last about an hour. I’ve had a few that have gone really well and turned into marathon dates. Haha. Saturday’s lasted maybe an hour and a half. Unless something about the guy is super “off” — which luckily hasn’t happened to me — I figure I can make it through a drink and some small talk. Maybe a year or so ago I went out on a blind date that fell super flat and I was horrified when he ordered a second drink.
I went on a first date last night that broke into the top three worst I’ve ever been on. Ha. More often than not, when I’m not interested in seeing a date again, I think they seem like perfectly nice people but a connection is lacking. Last night was the first time I’ve ever found a date’s personality downright annoying. We are polar opposites, and I found his sense of humor grating, enough so that over the course of a couple hours I went from thinking he was kinda cute to wondering if this was the night I’d crack mid-date and say, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t working.” I was shocked when he wanted to take our date to another bar when our original locale closed. I assumed we’d at least be on the same page about how we had very little in common. I’d really hesitate to call a first date a waste of a Saturday night since you need to meet someone to know what they’re like, but man, I would’ve rather stayed home to do some weekend chores.
The guy I went on a second date with on Thursday tried to make some later-notice plans with me for last night, and I was fairly disappointed I had to tell him I was busy. I’d like to kiss his face again. 😀 Hopefully soon!
@Celopatra30 – How did your talk go? I went on a (very good!) second date last night. My date was open from the start that he’s looking for a serious relationship. Last night he asked if I want kids, and it wasn’t weird at all. Just putting it out there if you still need encouragement!
@TheLadyE – Yes x100 to what Kate said. I wouldn’t engage with him anymore, which it sounds like you’re already planning to do anyway. I wouldn’t be creeped out if a neighbor said he’d noticed me before (I’d be flattered, too!), but throw the immediate sexting into the mix and that behavior would creep me out a bit. Hopefully he’ll just understand you’re not interested and disappear quietly.I made out with my date a little last night. 😀 That was fun! heh. We met for drinks a little later than we’d initially planned and ended staying out longer than I thought we would, but I had such a great time so it’s worth how exhausting today is going to be. Per usual I’m now just kinda waiting for the inevitable end, but hope to see him again.
I agree with @kare about the levels of egregiousness, but I also think that more often than not, after a few dates, you know if you want to keep seeing someone. So fading out after a few dates usually means, at best, they’re not interested *enough*. When I moved cities, it was busy and stressful and disorienting. I barely knew anyone here, so despite the hassle of moving and settling into a new job, I think I would’ve loved meeting a nice guy soon after getting to town.
Creeper Alert: Veritek, I’m pretty confident your Instagram account popped up in the “explore” section of my feed this morning (I’m sure because we have some mutual DW friends on IG). Can I add you? You post about all the things I like (fitness, animals, food, the sangle life, family).
Hopefully this is the most awkward I’ll be all day! 🙂
</creeperalert>
So I’m supposed to go on a second date tonight. Heard from my date yesterday afternoon asking how my week is going and such. I responded last night to tell him about how I’m liking my new job, ask about his work trip, and ask if he’s still up for drinks tonight. Haven’t heard back and naturally I’m wondering if this is the beginning of the ghosting.
Moving IS a lot to deal with, so it’s possible his reasons are genuine. I rarely think a casual drink with someone can hurt, but if you truly believe he ghosted because he was dating someone else, proceed with caution if at all. I’ve said it a million times on here, but I’m wildly opposed to ghosting and think it’s tacky, so that would factor into my decision.
I’m always taken a bit aback when I hear from a guy I haven’t heard from in months, and tend to assume they’re bored as well. The last time I gave someone a second chance, I thought better of it, but our connection was the strongest one I’d felt in a long time — so I went for it, and we dated for a couple months. The second rejection felt shittier than the first, but no real regrets. I give second chances less often as I get older and I’ve never had a second chance situation end happily for me, but there are exceptions to every rule.
@Cleopatra_30 If it helps at all, I’ve been asked if I want kids early on before by a guy I dated — before we were serious or exclusive — and I didn’t think it was weird. I answered with an honest “I don’t know” and that was fine with him. At that point we’d been dating for, I dunno, a month or two. At night when we’d chat before bed, we’d take turns asking each other questions because we were in that “OMG WANNA KNOW ALL THE THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!” phase, and that was one of his questions. It wasn’t weird in context of our nighttime “game,” and it wouldn’t have been weird otherwise because at that point, we were both super into one another, were both looking for a real relationship, and wanted to make sure we had the same basic life goals.
I ask men what they’re looking for after a handful of dates because if we’re on different pages, better to move on before anyone is too invested. You can open up the conversation asking how he’s feeling about getting to know you and what he’s looking for (a relationship, something casual, etc.), rather than abruptly asking about kids. This isn’t terribly different from wanting to make sure the person you are dating knows that, say, marriage is very important to you.
@veritek Sorry to hear about your dad! That must be really scary and stressful. I hope his recovery is speedy.
Not much to update on my end. I have a second date on Thursday with a guy I went out with a couple weeks ago. He has a pretty heavy work travel schedule so I’m not too optimistic at this point, but had a great time with him on our first date and would like to see what happens. Over the past couple weeks since we last went out, there have been some text check-ins every handful of days, but that gets old to me after awhile without time together in person.
I was supposed to go on a first date with someone else over the weekend, but I couldn’t make Friday happen and he couldn’t make Saturday happen. I feel like I’m doing all the work to coordinate (and it’s not going well! haha) so I’ve pulled back to see what happens.
Has anyone on these forums recommended Matthew Hussey? A friend of mine told me about his YouTube channel over the weekend and I can’t recall if he has been a point of conversation around here.
Unrelated to dating, but last summer, I moved into a new apartment. About two months after move-in, they did some repairs in my apartment, and after that there was a two week span where I’d see occasional roaches (like,
4 total — and yes, gross). The landlord had an exterminator come by and spray the place down several months in a row, and I haven’t had any problems since. Until this morning when I found one belly up in the bathroom. I assumed it was dead, so I tried to sweep it up into a dustpan — but it was still alive, and crawling all over my broom, and gross, gross, gross. I want to move. I don’t want even the occasional roach (because they don’t live alone!), and I’m dreading talking to my management company about this because they were such jerks about it last year.
@MissDre – Have you guys discussed exclusivity yet? I can’t recall if you’re still just seeing how things go with the distance, or if he’s your boyfriend. In any case, I’ve noticed in my own life, my anxieties flare up when I’m dating someone but we’re still not exclusive, and I calm down when I’m confident how the guy feels about me (so, basically, either when we break up OR become exclusive). If you have a therapist, it’s probably worthwhile to discuss these feelings with them, because I know how shitty that kind of anxiety can feel, and can’t imagine if I were in a relationship and it lingered. It’d be difficult to deal with if it just never went away. I think @anonymousse’s advice is good, but I think it’s easier said than done.
Yeah, I have no clue how people do that when they’re in a LDR that makes frequent and regular visits unlikely. Over the course of 18 months, that’d be 9 visits if you have bi-monthly visits, which isn’t a lot. I’ve struggled maintaining connections with dudes who travel too much for work, so I’m clearly not a great resource and what do I know?
