Copa
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Oh, and on our last date, he told me he doesn’t have a ton of time for dating (demanding job that entails some travel). He said his one “ask” was that I not waste his time, because he has met women who just want attention, and told me he didn’t plan to waste mine, either. All of this sounds GREAT, but DUDE WHERE’D YOU GO?
Yeah, that’s the thing. At the end of our last date, we were talking about what we were both looking for. No declarations of love or anything over-the-top were made, but we both said we were having fun getting to know one another, looking for something serious, and wanted to keep getting to know one another. He invited me over that night, but I had to decline on account of my foster dog. He asked if I had any questions, so I DID ask if he was dating anyone else because it’s something I like knowing if “nighttime fun” is on the table. He said no, and seemed surprised that I would think he was. I told him I usually assume people are seeing others until there’s a conversation about it. He said he dates one person at a time until it he knows it’s not working or won’t work. Ghosting actually did come up in this conversation, and he said he thinks it’s inappropriate because you have to be considerate of others. (And from what I saw of him, he was SUPER thoughtful about other people.) SO, I’m surprised at this — it seems out of character — and he was in touch after our last date to set up our next date, but we had scheduling conflicts. So yeah, it could be ghosting. I also haven’t totally ruled out that he could be away for the long weekend. We exchanged a couple texts in the middle of last week where he said things were “rough” so I don’t even know if something else may have happened…? (I dropped off the face of the earth with a guy for probably 1-2 weeks a little over a year ago. I had appendicitis. Could I have texted him at some point during this time? Yes. I actually had a lot of time on my hands in the hospital. Did I *feel* like it? No. I was in pain, and didn’t care. I did eventually follow up, but just saying, sometimes people DO have legit reasons.) That’s the hard part about ghosting for me. Yeah, it’s disappointing if someone doesn’t want to see you again, but not knowing what’s going on — are you over me? are you in the hospital? was one of your family members just diagnosed with stage four cancer? — drives me nuts.
I mean, my issue with ghosting isn’t that a guy isn’t interested in me. Yeah, that part DOES suck, but it’s the disappearing act that drives me insane. Like, is that supposed to hurt my feelings LESS? In any case, I’ve never had a guy try to schedule a date, then try to re-schedule that date (I was busy), and THEN drop off the face of the planet. Usually in hindsight, I can see that the signs were all there that the guy was ready to bolt. Usually, I’m the one still expressing interest and the guy is wishy-washy about seeing me again, and that wasn’t the case this time. The stubborn part of me is hoping I’ll hear from him tomorrow telling me he was off the grid of the long weekend and is so sorry, but the realistic part of me is already moving on forward and I have a tentative date lined up for Thursday with a friend of a friend.
Also, slightly creepy, but I checked Tinder to see if Dimples unmatched me, because I have in the past learned a guy is no longer interested when he started to fade in a super roundabout way and finally “got it” when I checked Tinder and saw he’d delete me as a match. In any case, we’re still matched, but his location showed as being 20 miles away, which means he hasn’t been in the city in which we both live and work. Which means nothing, really, but because on this site there’s always speculation about whether the guy is secretly married with kids, it made me wonder if he’s secretly married with kids. Ha.
@Dre Is this guy moving back? I can’t recall. Good luck with the LDR-ish stuff.
When I interviewed for the job that brought me to my current city, I brought my mom! Not to the interview, and I definitely didn’t mention during the interview that she was with me, but she did come along and we made it into a mini-weekend away (I’m about a 6-ish hour drive from where I used to live). We drove up on a Saturday, spent that evening and Sunday exploring, and on Monday, I had my interview and we drove back. I dunno. I didn’t think it was weird to do that then, and I still don’t think it’s weird. But, maybe?
Downer update on my situation with Dimples: I texted him on Saturday morning asking if he’d like to take advantage of the nice weather with me, and… crickets. So I think I’m being ghosted. I’ve been ghosted or had guys fade out before, but this time is baffling. Like a week and a half ago he was trying to schedule a date, then trying to REschedule that date, and now nothing… blah. I’m so annoyed, frustrated, and sad. Usually leading up to the fade-out, I’m the one asking for another date, NOT the guy. Our last date was SO GOOD. And what was the point of all that “oh, we’re looking for the same thing! How great!” talk if he was just going to disappear? Ugh.
I also found out that a good friend of mine, with whom I’ve had a sort of complicated friendship because there are some *feeeeelings* involved but I genuinely do not think we were suited for dating so I’ve made sure things have stayed strictly platonic, moved to another state. He did not tell me, and he didn’t say goodbye. Between this, my foster pupper, and Dimples, I’m kinda down. Hoping for some good news from last week’s interview to balance all the downer things out!
@MissDre Has your guy already moved? Would you be upset/jealous if you found out he was dating someone else? Several months ago, my sister went on a few dates with someone who told her he needed to take a break from dating because he still wasn’t over his ex, and they became friends. They text daily and hang out almost every weekend. A few weeks ago, he went dark on her and she was sad, and then told me she thought he maybe he was dating again, and didn’t I think that was shitty of him to tell her he didn’t want to date but may now be dating? And I said no, not really, you can’t expect him to never date again because a few months ago he told you he wasn’t ready. SO I think she has some feelings there that she isn’t admitting aloud, and I think their friendship is going to be unnecessarily complicated when one of them meets someone. It made me realize I don’t know that I could have the kind of friendship she (and you) seem to have.@saneinca I can’t speak for everyone, but a couple years ago I lived in a different state was actively (trying to) date. (I was not actually seeing anyone and was too messed up from a recent relationship to actually bother meeting anyone.) I was always on the lookout for new job opportunities, local and in my current city. I applied for the job I wound up moving for on a whim. I didn’t think I had a shot in hell. It worked out, though. If I’d been dating anyone at the time, it wouldn’t have meant that my intentions were dishonest. I did want a new job and knew I was open to moving, but it seemed stupid to plan my life around a job that I didn’t have.
@Kate – My friend with the crying problem admits she has a hard time taking criticism from her boss. She says it reminders her of her parents making her feel like she’s not good enough. And it’s like, yeah, I’ve cried, too, but it wasn’t from being criticized — it was because I was overwhelmed and I thought my boss was being unreasonable under the circumstances, NOT because I’m overly-sensitive to feedback.
I cried in front of my boss last July. I’d been at my company for a couple months, we’d had a lot of turnover during that time (like half of my team), and I’d had a bunch of new work dumped on me with little instruction. Sure, I’d made some mistakes, but I was still so new and I was trying. So when he dragged me into the office to harp on a mistake and demanding to know why some things hadn’t been done on projects I’d been managing for like three days, I just burst into tears. Because I was so overwhelmed, and I was really trying!
A few months later, he dragged me into his office again because some entry-level girl on our team claimed I was a demeaning bully toward her. And my boss didn’t look into the situation — just assumed I was wrong — and I ALMOST cried again, but out of frustration because I think he’s a shitty manager, because he only cared about one side of the conflict. And when he could see I was getting upset, he rolled his eyes and told me NOT to get upset. And I told him, no, this time I’m angry and defensive.
I avoid him to the best of my ability now, and I think he avoids me, too. I’m determined to never cry in front of him again. Luckily, he can’t seem to keep this team together — his turnover rate is something like 70% in under a year, and a recent addition to my team quit after two weeks! — so I feel way less like I have no power in the relationship.
A friend of mine cries regularly at work because of her boss, and I’m so horrified for her. This is her first “real” job, and she’s always telling me the ways her boss has wronged her and how she’ll cry about it, and good grief. Her boss had to set her up with a workplace therapist of sorts (where she, her boss, and the “therapist”) meet to discuss workplace challenges, and I know HR has been involved. I know she’s like me and struggles with her emotions, but guuuuurl gotta get it under control.
Awww, Veritek! Please hijack away because this is bigger than a dog I knew I wasn’t going to keep from day 1. I’m so sorry. 🙁 Jeez. I was like “oh, great!” when he didn’t get those other jobs because it seemed like you’d get your chance.
I will say, though, one of the positive parts of letting my foster go is this: I kept thinking I didn’t have enough time for a dog because my job is unnecessarily high pressure. But he was pretty much the one thing that got me to pry myself away from my work, because he needed me. SO, now I’m reconsidering and genuinely thinking about getting one for real. One of my co-workers is really good at leaving his work at work, and he said he started being that way when he became a family man. A dog would be my version of being a family man, haha.
The overall focus of the job is more along the lines of what I’ve been ultimately aiming for. I’ve been primarily targeting a specific type of job within law firms (basically strategic communications/business development), and this is still within the legal field, but it’s not a firm. I’ve so far gotten a couple interviews with very well-known firms, but no offers. I have a JD and all the transferable skills, and the interviews reassure me that there is and will be interest in my skill set, BUT I think it’s hard for me to compete with people who have past experience in that kind of job. (I found the woman who did get the job I interviewed for at a firm last November-ish — her most recent job was very similar to what I’m doing now, but she also had a couple years of doing exactly what she’s doing now at another firm.) I do think the job I interviewed for yesterday would better position me to make that transition down the road. The guy who left his director-level job last fall is apparently now working in what sounds like a really cool position at the supreme court, so of course I’m all “omg! that could be me one day if I get the job!” BUT, for the billionth time, I’m getting way, way, way ahead of myself. Haha.
I’ll post about this here since it’s basically a break-up: my foster dog was adopted last night, and I ugly cried in front of the transport volunteer who came to pick him up. He’s a small, scruffy terrier mix and a total momma’s boy, and he was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, and kept trying to climb over the volunteer’s lap to get back to me. And then I ate like 3/4 of a pizza, and didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. Ha. I keep refreshing the shelter’s social pages because they post adoption “happy tails” and I just wanna see my pupper’s happy ending. And I hate that I don’t even know if she let him under the blankets of her bed last night — he loves that! SO, fostering dogs may not be for me and I might need to go back to cats.
In my despair last night, I texted Dimples to see how he’s doing since we hadn’t spoken in a few days and I spiraled into a panic when I didn’t receive a near-immediate response. (I eventually got one at 1 a.m. letting me know he’s had a few rough days at work and was just finishing up for the night. Oof.) So today I’m in a significantly calmer panic that I’m about to be ghosted solely because he told me he’s busy. Annnnd I made an appointment to see my therapist this week because yesterday brought on ALL the emotions and anxiety.
Yeah, I don’t even have an offer yet. Haha. Another candidate may be a better choice, but I do feel the entire interview/conversation was very positive. We had a bit of a difficult time with scheduling and they told me all initial interviews are only 45 minutes long — we went over the time, and only cut if off when I was asked if we were okay on time and I realized I needed to hustle back to work.
I’m more interested in the long-term potential of the job we were discussing. Turns out, one of their director-level employees left last fall, and a few months later he poached his direct report at his new job. SO, the organization created a new manager-level position that’s more than what the direct report did, less than what the director did. The hope, however, is to hire someone who can eventually fill the director’s shoes. Their priority when the new hire starts, however, isn’t super interesting to me. So it makes me wonder if it would be a good fit.
And then I remember all the bullshit with my boss from last fall and want out for just about anything that seems like it would be okay, even if it’s not something I love. But then there’s the fear that I’d be going from a bad situation to an even worse one.
Again, this is all super premature since I haven’t received an offer and may well never get one. But the interview was positive enough that I am genuinely thinking about whether it’d be the right fit should things move in that direction.
