Copa
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@nickel_5 I’m sure I’ve said this a million times on this site, but I think ghosting is so tacky even after one date. Texting is so non-confrontational that I don’t understand why some people can’t be bothered to send a quick, polite “no thank you” text when the other person is still expressing interest. I’ve never ghosted anyone, not even after one date. Anyway, glad you gave House another shot and that things are still feeling exciting.
I have a third date with the guy I’ve been seeing — let’s call him Dimples — this weekend. We’re going to a ramen-making class, and I love that he actually plans things since so many men don’t. (One of my biggest dating pet peeves is men who have NO SUGGESTIONS for dates.) And he plans things he thinks I’ll like and is doing a great job at it.
It’s okay! I once went on an amazing, all-day first date. And the guy canceled our second date because he’d met two women at once and wanted to see where things went with the other girl. And you know what? When I saw that message, I actually got teary/cried a little. In public. On a bus*. So, at least you’re not crying on a bus after ONE date. (omg why.) My therapist once told me that love is always hopeful. I think like is always hopeful, too, and genuine connections are rare for a lot of us, so I get it — letting go of hope is disappointing.
*He ended up reaching out a month or so later asking if I was still interested, and I was, so we dated for a couple months before he rejected me again. He tried ghosting me, I called him out for trying to ghost me instead of being direct, he apologized, and I was so annoyed I definitely did NOT cry on the bus that time.
I don’t think it’s premature! Maybe a year ago I met a guy from Minnesota through a mutual friend and we went out a few times. He knew our city was temporary for him. He isn’t a fan of urban life and the small town he was from was where he wanted to settle down permanently. It came up casually, but it was a good thing. I’m open to moving, eventually/to an area I find appealing, but I love urban living and wouldn’t want to move to the kind of town he’s from. So we both called it and moved on. He ended up moving home to MN around Thanksgiving.
@veritek – Wow! That sucks. Yes, huge overreaction on his part in my opinion. It seems to me like you two liked one another immediately, but that isn’t “moving fast” to me — it’s what I think most of us who are out there and looking hope to find! I’d be annoyed about the vacillating back and forth about your Saturday date, but he may be overwhelmed. When I had a job interview across state lines a couple years ago, everything felt like it was happening all at once and I was excited but freaking out. If I’d thrown in a potential new romance to the mix back then, I think it would’ve been too much for me.
That said, if things continue, I do think it’s worthwhile to ask if he sees himself living in your general area (vs. the other side of the country or another state) long-term to see if your long-term goals align. I don’t want to leave my city any time soon, if ever, so if I were dating someone who was actively interviewing in other states, I’d want to know where they saw themselves to see how well our goals aligned.
Oh, that’s creepy! And odd — how did he get your personal e-mail? I wonder if there’s a way to track the e-mail address it came from? A friend of mine actually met her boyfriend on LinkedIn, but it wasn’t creepy like this.
@veritek – Don’t get discouraged yet! Interviews are nice, but he doesn’t have an offer (yet?) and even if he did, he might not accept. I know it feels like bad news, but hopefully you can wait until something more concrete happens before you feel discouraged!
@veritek – That’s exciting! I can’t recall — do you live in the burbs somewhere? I’m assuming this is a two-hour drive to see one another. I’ve done LDR that required a drive that was an hour and a half-ish. It was rough during the week (but we still managed to see one another after work sometimes by meeting halfway), but weekends always felt worth it to me. I do think the distance ultimately contributed to that relationship’s demise (not quite as much as his cheating, ha), but never thought it was that bad. I think longer-term consequences would be trickier to figure out, but short-term you can and should just have fun getting to know someone who makes you happy.
Also, I don’t think it’s rude not to ask for any gifts. I’ve been invited to a couple weddings where they did not register or want gifts and never felt slighted. One bride was a very close friend and both her family and her husband’s family are mostly blue collar workers a state with a lousy economy; she told me it felt like a jerk move to register and make people who couldn’t afford much for themselves feel obligated to gifts for her and her husband when they had everything they needed. I wound up getting them a gift card because we were very close and I couldn’t make her wedding. So, I dunno. I’ve never been married, but I don’t think it’s rude to say that guest presence is gift enough.
Tangential, BUT a cousin of mine got married about eight months ago. I flew across the country, paid for 3 nights of hotel accommodations, contributed to the cost of a rental car, and bought her and her husband a gift off of their registry. All of this was fine with me until… I never got a thank you note. (Neither did my sister or dad.) I thought this was so incredibly rude, for anyone wondering if their etiquette is in poor form, here’s one couple to compare yourself with.
Unrelated to much of anything, but @kmen if you’re flying Porter Airlines, they serve free cookies and wine! This was enough to win me over forever last fall, and now I talk about Porter incessantly when Toronto comes up.
I’m sure I sway toward the more wholesome side of the spectrum, but I think the whole “party drug” reputation is part of the reason I have no desire to date someone who does cocaine. My partying days are mostly behind me, and I’d like to find someone whose partying days are also mostly behind him. A former friend was hung up on an ex for a VERY long time. She’d tell me stories of the good times they had, which seemed to primarily revolve around partying and drugs, and how she just SAW them having kids together. Maybe I’m a square, but when I hear about/see a man who is still very much embracing his partying days, I do NOT think, “I want to raise children with him.”
@Cleopatra – I feel ya! The men I’ve been meeting the past 6 months or so have all had hectic work travel schedules, and it makes it hard to schedule dates and to maintain a connection. I don’t think it’s impossible to get a relationship off the ground with someone like that, but I have yet to be successful at it. So good luck!
And yeah, when I moved to my current city, I met a lot of people who do cocaine (like my 26 year old friend) and it’s like, “Am *I* the weird one for having no interest in this?” @Kate it doesn’t surprise me that someone who has tried it won’t say they won’t do it again — I’m told it’s a lot of fun. That may be the case, but it’s not at all my lifestyle, so for me it’s a dealbreaker. It is a bit frustrating, though, to be wanting and trying to meet someone but also to have a friend who I actually would otherwise date if our lifestyles were more similar.
