Copa
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You buried the lede, Jeff.
I don’t think alcohol was a factor here, though I know I’m the one who initially raised it as a potential issue. I’m petite and a lightweight, and three drinks over an eight hour day would not leave me impaired.
For a first date, go out, get to know one another a little bit, go home. You can say things like, “I had a great time,” to show your continued interest. Then follow up, ask her on another date. If the interest is mutual, you’d likely be going out again within a few days.
And yes, I had the same thought as @bloodymediocrity about why she changed her mind but didn’t say so outright because believe it or not I do not try to be mean on this site.
Why does it matter to you so much why she passed on you? It was one date. Can you not just tell yourself you weren’t a match and move on? Especially if you think it seems silly and regressive(??) to be cautious about who from the internet you go home with.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting drinks for a first date. Most of my first dates were drinks. I brought up alcohol because she told you straight up she wished she hadn’t gone home with you/that you hadn’t asked a second time, and I wondered if alcohol played a role.
I don’t think what you did was inherently *wrong*. You asked if you came across as pushy, to which most people said yes, that would feel pushy to plenty of women and give the impression that what you’re looking for/care about is hooking up. Nobody’s saying that relationships can’t or don’t start after two people go home together on a first date. But it does seem like your approach isn’t lending itself to the kind of relationship you’d like.
But, really, you have this woman who spent a not-insignificant amount of time with you telling you she feels you were inappropriate and boundary-crossing, but you don’t seem interested in hearing or accepting that. I trust her. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
ETA: I also think the context of meeting online matters. It was like going in blind. My boundaries were a little different with men I met in different ways (e.g., through friends). Not long after I jumped onto the online dating world in my city, some guy here made headlines because he was arrested after using online dating platforms to take women out on dates, invite them home, and rape them.
Also, if this is the kind of woman you think you want to date — which I’m assuming she is since you are sad she doesn’t want a second date — maybe take her feedback to heart instead of looking for proof that she is an outlier. Many women would have said no thanks to a second date and not engaged when you asked why because many of us have had experiences with men not taking rejection well. (You don’t mention whether or how you responded to her.) This woman gave you something honest to take into consideration, but you’d rather find someone online who did not spend eight hours on a date with you to tell you your date was the problem than even think about changing your dating habits.
I mean… your date told you herself that she didn’t think you should’ve asked a second time. Her opinion should carry the most weight here, but okay, you came here and the consensus was that yes, many women would perceive what you did as pushy for a first online date and perhaps you should reconsider inviting them back to your place at all if you’re looking for a LTR. It’s generally considered a red flag if a man brings up/pushes for sex very quickly as far as online dating is concerned.
I’m the one who brought up alcohol because it sounded like a marathon date revolving around drinks. If she had enough to drink, decision-making and consent become a slippery slope. My worst decisions in life have almost surely all been drunk ones.
You don’t even seem sorry that you made this woman uncomfortable. You only seem sorry that she doesn’t want to see you again.
I’m also in a major city and not once did I think a man inviting me home after a first date indicated that he was interested in dating me. Not to mention the safety concerns…
I met my long-term boyfriend online and did the online dating thing on and off for a few years. I never went home with anyone from the apps after a first date, even the men I liked and hoped to see again, because it felt like a risk, especially given how many online dating horror stories I’d heard. First dates always felt like sanity checks to me and I think I’d have been wary of a man from an app asking me back to his place so quickly, tbh.
Also, you don’t say how much everyone had to drink on this date, just that you went to two bars. I could absolutely see her feeling like you were pushy/took advantage if she was drunk.
WELL, it finally happened. I was on a Zoom call and the boyfriend didn’t realize. He’d taken half a day off work to go golfing and walked into our room, which is where my WFH setup is, in a t-shirt and his boxer briefs. I don’t even know that many people noticed, but still felt embarrassed. And I was so flustered that I wasn’t really paying attention the rest of the meeting. I wish we had enough space that I could have my own dedicated office instead of just a corner in the bedroom. Ugh.
I just got my under eye filler touched up to “fix” one under eye being more hollow than the other. I can already tell the area is less dark, but excited for it to settle in the next week or so. My derm thinks I should be good for a solid 18 months after today. Which, good. If filler required the same kind of upkeep as Botox, I’d nope on out.
I’ve had some fast fashion pieces last ages and others last just a few wears. My favorite black pullover sweater for years was from H&M. I think I had it for a solid eight years before it finally had to go. And then yeah, sometimes the stuff that’s supposed to be higher quality/longer lasting doesn’t hold up. I’ve been trying to buy less/more mindfully and thrift more.
I also don’t go to da club but from what I’ve gleaned, Gen Z will wear their wide leg pants (sometimes trousers!) + white sneakers out. When I was at the age where I was going out partying a lot, the outfits were, like, denim mini skirt + polo with a popped collar (preferably it was a layered look) or jeans with a “going out top” from Forever 21 and sky high heels. I see the same style of mini skirt that I used to wear in college in stores again now. If you remember the show Laguna Beach, all the cast members are all my general age range. The show aired when I was in my last year of HS. I think style trends for kids my age at that time were heavily influenced by that show. I ran out and bought a black choker because Kristin Cavallari wore one on that show, haha.
