Copa
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I think the TikTok algorithm knows I watch all of the color analysis videos all the way through because they feed me so many. Sometimes I’ll watch a video a few times to see if I can tell the difference in someone’s face/appearance when they swap the color swatch from a cool tone to a warm tone of the same color. I can’t always tell. The only reason I know what lipstick looks good on me is because I have one that I am consistently complimented on, ha. Sometimes I’ll get asked if I’m wearing colored contacts, which I don’t. I know some colors bring out the green in my eyes, but don’t know which ones. I think I’m a winter. I’ve been heavily paring down my wardrobe in the past couple years. It’d be nice to know what colors flatter me most as I build it back up.
I just signed up to do something frivolous that I am excited for. I keep seeing “color analysis” videos pop up on my social media, where a stylist helps you find your “season” and the palette of colors that look most flattering on you. A friend of a friend just started working at a very small photography company and she and her team of all women went as a team thing, she said it was a blast and pretty interesting. So anyway, I just made an appointment.
I’m sorry the holidays were hard for you @TheLadyE. I hope you guys find a new normal that works for everyone in the coming years.
@Rangerchic My mom went to therapy a handful of years ago but it was short-lived. She’ll literally bring up old grievances between her and my dad that happened like 15 years ago. Like you, I’ve told her I will not be a sounding board. My sister and I both live in the same city now. There is distance between us and my parents but my sister’s approach is different than mine. Her take is that she knows they’ll never change so she’ll tolerate it to spend time with them. I’m done tolerating it.
I’m sorry about your parents, @TheLadyE! It is hard. I know holiday drama well at this point. Incidentally, spending the holidays together a few years ago was what prompted me to make the boundary that I’d never set foot in their house again if they were both inside together. Christmas Eve dinner was so uncomfortable that I had no reaction left in me but to laugh aloud like a maniac, which made my mom angry because she thought I was laughing at her/them, and chaos ensued the rest of the night. We’ve seen them since together for holiday dinners, hosted at my place or my sister’s, and while it’s still not great, it’s better. I’ve agreed to those dinners for my sister. Anyway, I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I highly recommend setting whatever boundaries preserve your own mental health and avoiding their drama to the extent you are able. I’m sure divorcing after so many years is very painful, sad, and scary, but my mental wellbeing sure improved when I stopped humoring my parents.
No, they don’t share a room. It’s a *very* long story, but the TL/DR is that my dad is a semi-closeted gay man who married a woman. Because Catholicism. Any romantic relationship has effectively been over for a couple of decades. I’ve never fully understood why their marriage didn’t end then, though I know my mom felt trapped for a variety of reasons. Their relationship has been anywhere from fine to really bad over the years. Right now it seems outwardly fine, but I doubt it is actually fine (my mom is deeply resentful and, among other things, thinks my dad steals from her) and I think the arrangement is so stupid. (My dad bought a condo in my city last year and now makes the six-hour drive to spend every weekend here, then heads back. He is retired and literally has a second place he could be full-time but for some reason that’s not his plan.) I live a few states away now but as of a few years ago, refuse to visit/stay in the house if both parents will be there.
My parents divorced in their late 60s and omg the mess. Per the divorce agreement, they were supposed to sell the house they owned together no later than 2020 and until then, my mom was the one who would live there. My dad got a townhouse nearby. Well, 2020 came and went without the house being put on the market. And then at some point last year or two, my dad decided he shouldn’t have to pay for his share of the marital home + his townhouse, so he moved himself back in against my mom’s wishes (or so she says, IMO she didn’t really do much of anything to prevent him from moving back in). I’ve stopped visiting because I can’t being in the house with them together. Their marriage has been a wild ride to witness and they’ve left me pretty terrified of legally tethering myself to anyone.
@hfantods Are you guys in the same field? The ex I mentioned, we had one overlapping major in college and then went into the same post-grad program. We had similar interests, strengths, and career goals. I never thought I was smarter, but I thought (and still think) I had more drive. Had we not been so similar in so many ways, I don’t know that he would’ve gotten competitive. I was probably comparing us at the time, too. Since then, I’ve not really felt a need to compare myself to anyone I’ve dated. I think the most I felt in dating was a little embarrassed of my lower salary in my mid-20s, but I never actually shared a dollar amount with anyone until my now-bf.
@Ange – Ew! That’s so gross! But a few years ago there was a different article that had polled online dating users and found that women’s desirability peaks at 18. Which, again, ew. I know that’s not all about looks, but I think I look better in my 30s than I did in my teens and most of my 20s.
Also re: threatened men, an ex I dated while I was in school, we went to the same college and grad school, same programs. In grad school, the insecurity/jealousy (or whatever it was) started coming out when I started slightly outperforming him in most areas. At one point I got an academic award and he told me that getting the award didn’t make me smart. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in like 10 years at this point, but I heard from mutual connections that he married a therapist and for some reason that made me LOL. Like yeah, he did need one of those.
I’d be on-board with a pre-nup. One of my aunts had a divorce so contentious that it took like five or six years to finalize. By the time they were done fighting about everything, there was no money left. I also have a friend whose now-ex husband didn’t want her to have a dime (it was his money, he said, not theirs) and got pretty nasty during their divorce. It’s rational minds deciding the rules to play by if things don’t work out. I’d rather pick my rules than default to the state’s.
Speaking of division of labor, has anyone else watched the documentary Fair Play? I follow some accounts that talk a lot about household equity on TikTok and knew it was a book from that, but didn’t realize it was a documentary as well. We watched it a month or so ago.
I was happy to let most of the insecure men weed themselves out. I think plenty of men think they want an ambitious woman until they actually are out with one and then feel like less of a man or whatever it is? IDK, I never understood. I once had a guy from one of the apps find me on FB and message me on there asking me to give him a chance — he acknowledge we hadn’t matched but felt if we just got to know each other I’d see he was oh-so-great — so I get it, safety is no joke.
And yeah, everyone does what works for them as a couple. We don’t quite share home expenses 50/50 because he out-earns me by a little bit. The split feels fair. I work fewer hours so do a bit more of the housework (specifically the cooking). I’m sure we’d revisit if anything significant changed.
I know, it’s so hard to imagine my boyfriend being anything other than happy if I out-earned him. I currently don’t, but might one day. I’m not even EVP successful. I’m “has a decent job” successful. I mostly got surprised comments about being able to afford a one-bedroom by myself when I lived in Lincoln Park or I’d notice they’d start to overcompensate or puff when I mentioned a higher degree. One guy from my 20s decided to bring up his SAT scores — he told me he couldn’t even tell me what the score was, they were THAT high and he didn’t want to brag. He was in his 30s. Like a decade into his career. LOL! I believe I heard this on a podcast, but can’t quite remember, where some women experimented with how many men messaged them on dating sites if they changed their job titles from something high-powered/prestigious-sounding to something more ordinary. The more ordinary, the more messages and matches.
Vaguely related, but one of my friends recently got promoted and now earns more than her husband for the first time since they’ve been together (10+ years). It made me so happy how happy he was for her. Which is as it should be, but when I was dating, a lot of men were really weird about my education level/work status as it compared to their own.
Still negative for COVID over here, but finally slept through most of the night last night.
We’re not married, so IDK if this is helpful, but we keep our finances separate for the most part. We have one shared checking account that we contribute a set amount of money every month to that we use for shared expenses. Savings and investments are kept separate. TBH I don’t know that I’d ever fully combine finances, even if we did get married. My dad was controlling with money growing up, and while I know my relationship is different from my parents’ marriage, the idea of not having my own separate account freaks me out.
