Copa

What threats have I made against you?

And yeah, if a guy I’ve been dating for three months is picking fights with me because I haven’t mentioned his existence to my all male coworkers (a detail you felt important enough to point out, but all it does is highlight your insecurities) and having “poor reactions” in those fights, I’m going to break up with him nicely in the hopes that I don’t elicit another “poor reaction.” And if he tries to negotiate my decision — another poor reaction, btw — it’s going to tell me what kind of man I’m dealing with. And if that same guy continues to text me, even when I am ignoring him hoping he’ll stop… yes, I’m going to be unnerved. I’m going to keep record of it. I’m going to hope he goes away, but if he doesn’t, I sure as shit would take my documentation to the authorities.

There’s a trend on social media these days asking women if they’d rather be alone in the woods with a bear or a man. They almost always pick the bear. Men like you are the reason why we pick the bear. You’re scary.

The more you say, the creepier you sound. You have zero regard for this woman’s perspective, the only truth you are capable of accepting is your own. What kind of grown-ass man can’t handle being dumped after three months of a mostly online relationship at whatever ripe old undisclosed age? Nobody is saying you can’t be sad, but we have given advice, which is to accept that someone who wanted to be with you wouldn’t be breaking up with you (i.e., a very clear sign that it is over), stop contacting her, and move on. But that isn’t what you want to hear, so instead you’ll double down on why you’re right and everyone else is wrong.

If this woman wrote in for advice, there would be calls to have her document all of your behavior toward her in case she needs to get a restraining order one day. You sound that unhinged.

A few disagreements could absolutely change how someone feels about moving forward early in a relationship. It could make them realize you are fundamentally incompatible. If you were “driven to” another “poor reaction,” absolutely.

There doesn’t always have to be a bad guy in a breakup, especially after three months of long distance dating, but you are desperate to make her one for your ego. Imagine how much sooner you’d feel better if you put this energy into anything other than creating the narrative that you were the victim of a selfish, manipulative, evil narcissist.

LOL. I don’t buy for a second that you are in the field of mental health, unless by that you mean you are in undergrad and excited to declare psychology as your major for the sake of self diagnosing your many issues.

Soooo you have a history of getting angry with and having “poor responses” to her when she didn’t answer your questions to your liking, but still expected her to not break up with you in a way where she lets you down gently? That is literally the safest way to end things with someone who you fear may have a bad reaction to you breaking up with them. Do you really not see?

I was trying to be nice in my first response because getting dumped is hard, it really is. But honestly? Grow up, get over yourself. Hold yourself accountable for your behavior. It is ridiculous that you blame this woman for “driving” you to behavior you’re not proud of. (And I say this as someone who has done and said things in the past that she isn’t proud of, but instead of being like, wElL aCtUaLlY and pointing a finger at someone else for MY actions/words, I’ve owned it, felt shame, reflected, searched inward, learned, grown.)

Again, she literally ended things with you — that’s as clear as you can get that someone doesn’t want to date you anymore. If this woman wanted to date you, she’d be dating you. She has made clear she doesn’t want a relationship by saying so, dumping you, and then trying to ignore your texts. You need to accept that. You need to move on. You need to stop texting her — if she doesn’t already think you’re a creep, you’re heading in that direction FAST.

You also likely need therapy.

Also? VERY few people are narcissists in the clinical sense. I see a lot of armchair diagnoses online of real mental illnesses and think it’s super problematic. Not everyone has an insecure attachment style or personality disorder; some people just aren’t that into you and are behaving accordingly.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Copa.

I mean… were you ever in a committed relationship? It sounds like you are unsure from the “my girlfriend (if that’s what we ever were).”

Anyway, to answer your question, I think sometimes when we are broken hearted, we don’t see things clearly and interpret words and actions the way we want to, so we feel confused and misled by words and actions that are actually pretty straightforward. Right now you want to feel confused and misled because it means, to you, that there’s still hope. But when someone breaks up with you, the reasons don’t really matter and the things they say when they break up with us to soften the blow don’t really matter. What matters it that they are saying they don’t want to be in a relationship and ending things. That is what you need to focus on, not reading between the lines. Not to mention if what you want is to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t be compromising that by trying to “come up with a less pressure relationship.” That’s betraying yourself for someone else.

If you’re hurt and down in the dumps about this, that’s normal and okay, but it’s time to start finding small ways to move forward. Delete/block her anywhere you’ll be tempted to reach out or otherwise set yourself back. Do fun things with friends. Join a rec sports league. Volunteer.