Copa
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It sounds like you’re realizing this relationship is not sustainable for you, and that’s okay! Your needs aren’t being met, you don’t feel comfortable communicating to your SO the ways that he hurts your feelings, you don’t feel cared for or seen, the focus is always on him… it’s okay to let this relationship go. Still feeling love for someone is not a reason or sign to stay. I think you’d be wise to move on.
I will also add, as a straight woman who dates men and who is about twice your age with more dating experience… anecdotally, a lot of men lack empathy. I think young women are socialized to be empathetic and giving, taught to accommodate to make relationships work. Men, not so much. It’s possible the lack of empathy is related to his BPD, buuuut it’s also possible this dynamic is the result of how we socialize young women vs. young men. (I also realize I’m assuming you are a woman, LW, so please feel free to correct me if I am way off base here.)
Interviewing is definitely a skill. In the past year or so, I’ve made it to the panel or final round of interviews maybe 5-6 times… there were more interviews if you count HR screening interviews or shorter (30-45 min) calls with hiring managers. I’ve become significantly more comfortable interviewing during this time. You can practice with a friend or your husband, but I do tell myself going into interviews that if it doesn’t lead to a job, it’s interview experience. Being an interviewer is also a skill and plenty of people are not particularly good at it.
I think references from past jobs are okay. I’ve been at my company for 7+ years. I’ve yet to make it to the references stage, but I have told a former supervisor (from 10 years ago!) and a former coworker who supervised my work (though not my direct supervisor) at my last company that I am looking. They’re both ready. I’d need at least one more. My first boss at this organization retired six or so years ago and before he left, he said he’d be happy to give me a reference. I’ve not told him I’m looking since he and my current boss are still pals. I trust him not to say anything but prefer not to mention it until I have to. I have a few former coworkers who I worked with at this job who moved on to new roles in the past couple of years that I’d also feel comfortable asking.
I’m also curious how you are responding. This coworker seems to consider you a safe space for venting, which is what I take those comments to be. (Though yes, they’re very much in poor taste.) I’d not report her. I’d personally start by deflecting the comments hoping that low engagement discourages the behavior. If that doesn’t work or if for some reason the nature of your work together means you can’t do that, I don’t think it’s out of bounds to be direct with a comment like, “I prefer not to engage in work gossip.” And then get back to work. I’d enforce similar boundaries with coworkers who are talking about the new coworker to you as well. The less you hear about it from either side, the less you will feel like you are caught in the middle of something.
Thank you. That makes sense… on the one hand it’s possible I will find out I will not be moving forward at all after the Fourth, but on the other it seems unlikely they’d be able to move me through two rounds of an interview process swiftly if I’m anticipating an offer elsewhere. For now I guess I’m going to tell myself to go along for the ride with each and see how things play out.
Off topic, but open to opinions if anyone has any. I’m currently interviewing with two different companies. I’ve had two interviews with Company 1, one with HR and one with the hiring manager + someone else I’d work under. They’re a massive company and at the end of the second interview (two weeks ago), told me they don’t plan to take any further steps until after the Fourth of July. They also mentioned that I should reach out to my HR contact if things progress with another company because they’d be able to move the process along faster for me if I am. There would be two additional rounds of interviews at Company 1. Last week I had an initial interview with HR at Company 2. Today I was invited to come in for an in-person interview with the hiring manager and another director next week. (Wrote back with my availability, so nothing is confirmed and with it being a holiday week, I am not sure if schedules will align.) Is now an appropriate time to let Company 1 I am talking to another firm, or should I wait until after my in-person interview? At present I am more interested in Company 1, but that may change after meeting the people I’d work with directly at Company 2.
The tennis skirts/skorts and dresses are cute, easy outfits. The most active thing I’ve ever done in them is going to the driving range, an activity I almost exclusively participate in for the fit and company.
I like a lot of the “old money” styles. I like a lot of the linen options. We’ve already had some really hot days around here, which typically doesn’t happen until later in the summer.
I’ve seen Mary Jane ballet flats out and about — some even made of a mesh fabric — and that’s a style I’m not interested in trying. Same with the longer denim shorts. I’ve anecdotally heard that capris are back in style but have yet to see them out in the wild… that’s a trend I don’t think I’d revisit, either.
I’ve never so much as tried a longline vest on, so I don’t even know if it’s a trend I like on me, but I like the way they look on others. I do clothing rentals from Nuuly and that’s the only way I can see myself having one for a bit. I’ve enjoyed Nuuly for trying new-to-me styles/trends and events.
I’m here for the crochet trend.
Glad you had a fun time in New Orleans. Hope you didn’t melt.
I’d not say the job hunt has been great. It has been a fairly casual search over the past year and quite underwhelming. I work to live, so that may be why. I don’t think I’ll ever be like, OMG – I’d GET to do this job? I truly cannot wait for pay transparency laws to go into effect here (in January) since I’ve encountered multiple jobs that I’ve learned in the process wouldn’t even match my current salary and barring a situation where I involuntarily lose my job, am not interested in entertaining a pay cut. Or there have been a few jobs that as I’ve learned more, realized weren’t for me. I’ve also gotten ghosted quite a bit (even after making it to the final round of interviews, which feels beyond rude). Like it’s all okay, I’m okay where I am for the time being, but it’s also not great. But on the bright side I’ve regained a level of comfort talking about myself, my strengths, the value I bring, etc. I have another phone interview on Friday but have my suspicions the salary will be low. We’ll find out!
I cannot with crew socks. The crew socks + New Balance combo are literally what my dad used to wear on vacation. And I already tend to end summers with sports bra, short, and shoe tan lines from jogging, so I don’t feel the need to have that tan line be a crew sock tan line. There are some trends that I like and would try (like longline vests) and others I’m happy to participate in again (“flare leggings” and flared jeans), but I don’t see myself jumping on the crew sock trend.
I think it’s unlikely this will turn into anything serious after a four-year situationship, but agree with the advice given to tell him you want more and move forward with what truly makes the most sense for you when you hear his response.
You don’t mention how long you’ve been harboring these feelings for him, but if it has been most of the time you have had a casual FWB situation, I’d also encourage you to do some self reflection about why you’ve let this go on so long without speaking your truth about how you feel. This read like you have a somewhat low opinion of yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship. (Not to mention my experience and that of many of my friends has been that plenty of men become insecure when a woman is more successful, better educated, or earns more… or if they even catch a whiff that any of these things MIGHT be true.)
Seems fairly insensitive and inappropriate to me to call someone “crazy” if they have “legit NPD.”
However, I do understand why you are frustrated. I would be in your shoes, too. I think letting her invite Sharon isn’t a huge deal, though yes, a bit awkward. But it’s fine. Sharon will likely do what pretty much all of us have done when we’ve received an invite that felt like a gift grab or very out of the blue and politely decline. (Heck, I’ve declined events that I actually would’ve happily attended on account of being out of state. Sharon has all the polite excuses in the world not to go!) It’s fine.
Also yes, your family sounds like you would’ve gotten some *looks* in Japan. Especially back when international travel wasn’t as common/accessible or if you weren’t in a big city. In middle and high school, one of my friends had long blonde hair down to her waist and it wasn’t uncommon for older Japanese women to come up to her wanting to touch it. Sometimes they’d do so without permission. I guess one of my cousins was asked for photos in China and she thinks it’s because she’s fair with dark hair but not Asian.
I just had yet another interview and I have a very positive impression of the interviewers, one of whom would be the supervisor to the role. I don’t want to get my hopes up — it’s another role that’s open in about large U.S. cities — but I felt it went well. I won’t know if I move forward to the next round until after July 4. Fingers crossed!
ETA: I’m also really excited to buy sunscreen in Japan. Like yeah, sure, there’s a family owned pearl jeweler whose small store I cannot wait to visit, but access to sunscreens with better filters is also exciting to me.
We’re leaning toward the 7-day pass. There are calculators online that can help you figure out which pass, if any, is most cost effective for you. I guess since prices went up on the passes, the two-week pass isn’t always worth it even if you will be in the country for two weeks. I input all the rail trips I think we’ll take as of right now, including day trips, and the calculators show we’d save about $100 (compared to the 14-day pass) if we use the week pass and pay for the last two train trips outright. We’ll be double checking numbers before we purchase and by that point might have a better sense for itinerary.
