Copa
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I’m in general agreement that dating a man who is actively learning how to treat women with respect sounds like a lot of work, but if LW’s perception of him is mostly based on what she’s found doing a deep creep of his socials and an answer to a pointed book club question, I’m not sure he’s pandering. Why not just ask him out, get to know him, and decide if he’s problematic or too much of a work in progress by YOUR standards, LW? One or even a few dates with someone is low stakes and if he gives you the ick, you’ll at least stop crushing.
Has anything changed since you remarried?
Without knowing more, I’d recommend seeking out the support of a therapist to talk things over and help you manage/decipher your anxiety.
FWIW, when I Google my own phone number, two names that are not mine are the first results. I’ve had the same number for 18 years. I do think the person you’ve been corresponding with sounds not right, but IDK that searching a number is the best method of verifying. Either way, I think for the best to cut contact with them and find someone who does not give you pause.
Deconstructing and unlearning internalized beliefs is a lot of work. I guess good for him if he is at least trying to do the work here, but I had the same thought that this is the kind of inner work that is often slow and requires more than just reading a book and posting to the gram.
I will also say, more generally speaking, that it’s easier to spend some time with someone you are interested in to get to know than trying to read between the lines of what you’ve creeped out on the internet. It sounds like you barely know him at all, just run in similar circles/spaces, but you’ve already jumped ahead to whether or not you should be dating having spent no meaningful time together.
Also, since you allude to a pattern of meeting “crazy” women online… you may want to overhaul your profile and be more selective in who you talk to.
OK, I mean, people do work and scheduling conflicts do happen. That seems like the least weird thing here to me, haha. But as a general rule of thumb, if you’re online dating and something or someone seems off, stop communicating and move onto the next match.
When I was online dating I used to be able to find people pretty easily online (specifically, LinkedIn) by searching first name + job title + city. I did always try to find dates online before meeting up, not to do any kind of deep dive into their online presence, just to make sure that they were who they said they were at baseline.
I had to Google Upward. It’s a Christian dating app for anyone else not in the know. I never tried a religious-based platform, but I imagine it’s not too odd for someone to describe themselves as “god-fearing” on one.
Anyway, you didn’t ask a question, so I’m not sure what kind of feedback you are looking for here. Most of what you wrote here is weird or doesn’t make sense, and I think this person you’ve matched with sounds off. I’m not sure what makes you think you are perfect for one another. Had I encountered anything like this on a dating app — which is how I met my partner of 5+ years — I’d not have wanted to meet up with this person at all.
FYI, English is the official language of Nigeria.
This read like LW is the violent one in the relationship, but it was a wall of text and not always clear. I do think therapy should be non-negotiable here. This strikes me as someone who has emotional issues (possibly stemming from what sounds like a chaotic family of origin) and became unhealthily attached to her boyfriend, which, coupled with being young/inexperienced, means she feels like she can’t let him go now that it’s ending.
The reason I brought up my ex was because he was not someone I planned or wanted to get over. I instigated the breakup but was not ready for it. This was the only breakup I’ve been through where I felt like the rug was entirely swept out from underneath me. Detaching when you’re not ready and don’t want to is really hard and sad. I had to get very angry to block and commit myself to moving forward, and like I said, it took me a few months to get there. I’m not sure what the equivalent is here. If the roles were reversed and a violent man was doing these things to a woman, she’d be documenting every interaction in case she needed to file for a restraining order.
Also? I was annoyed that my ex would do whatever weird shit he was doing to check my social media after I’d blocked him. Like bro, you’ve done enough damage – go away. I’d be outraged and creeped out if I blocked an ex and found they left me stuff they wanted me to see on my car.
Oh man. Yeah, you need to speak to a therapist. Even if you had friends you felt comfortable confiding in about this (your reasoning for not talking to them is kinda suspect, btw), you sound like you need professional support. Everyone is correct that universities offer counseling and psychological services and I’m sure they’ve seen plenty of younger people struggling to navigate their first big breakup (which is what I am assuming this is). You have what seem like pretty serious issues with your mom/family and codependency(?) going on with your ex. You need to get mentally healthy and a trained mental health professional can help.
I have not had a breakup that I think is similar to this, but after my worst breakup, I felt like I was going insane. I caught my now-ex cheating, he told a hundred lies, things ended, he did not go gently into the night despite him being in a new relationship with the other woman, and on the rare occasion that I’d voice my hurt he’d pretty much tell me I was overreacting. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. Pretty much all of my energy went into getting me through work everyday. It was bad, but I definitely made some mistakes, notably allowing him any amount of access to me. It took me several months to block him and I only did that after things kinda came to a head. When I did, things started improving. He took up head space still, and did for awhile, but less and less as time passed. I started building a new routine: walks after work, cooking at home, volunteering. During this time, I applied for a job in one of my dream cities and got it, so I moved and had the freshest of fresh starts. I got into therapy here (GAME CHANGER). I took up running and am now a marathoner. I made new friends. I tried every hobby that interested me. I still volunteer. I eventually met my current partner.
Right now you’re drinking the poison but wondering why you’re sick and not getting better. You need to stop drinking the poison. You will never heal where you are now. You let go of an ex the way you tackle every other big task — a little bit at a time. It’s hard and it’s sad — pretty much everyone goes through it at some point — but you need to get out of your own way. You’re already blocked everywhere, so it’s time to block him on any last avenues you might be tempted to reach out. Stop paying attention to what he’s doing. Stop speculating about his healing — focus on your own. I remember thinking my ex moved on seamlessly without a second thought about me, but about two years out from our breakup it became evident that he was still creeping my FB even though I’d never unblocked him… which means he was seeking me out either on a fake account or using someone else’s account or by searching for me logged out. By that point he’d married and procreated with the woman he’d been cheating on me with. He and his wife were a very odd presence in my social media world for like six or seven years. Do I know what he was thinking or feeling or looking for online? No. Not my problem. Your ex is going to go through whatever emotions he’s going to go through, and it’s not your business or concern. Your focus needs to be on you. Start setting small daily goals for yourself. It can be as simple as getting out of bed and making it every morning to give yourself a good start. Cry if you need to, cry as much as you need to… but don’t reach out. Join a new club, meet some new people, lean into the ones who already know and love you. Whatever you choose to do, though, make sure the steps you are taking are leading you forward, even if it’s only in inches.
ETA: I also remember thinking I’d never get over my first serious boyfriend. I did. To the point that when a mutual acquaintance mentioned, yeaaars later, that she’d heard he’d gotten married, my reaction was: “Who the heck would marry that guy? Ew.” You’d be surprised how clearly you eventually see people when you lose your emotional attachment to them.
Where I live, sometimes very popular restaurants will ask for a credit card to make the reservation and will have cancellation policies outlining the circumstances under which they can charge that card (e.g., if your party no-shows or late cancels). Some will charge those fees per person, so it’s not always risk-free to be the one making the reservation. A few upscale restaurants we’ve been to with tasting menus, we’ve paid for everything but add-ons and tip while making the reservation months out. In my experience, you only need to put one card down in these situations, so yeah, I’d find it a bit odd if a friend asked me to give her my credit card info. I’d not be as affronted as you seem to be, though, and would address it directly. I’d ask what she needs it for.
I’m glad your bday plans are taking shape and that you seem excited for them. One quick note that someone can be a generally nice and good person, but still not a good friend.
I’ve been reading this site for something like a decade now, commenting on and off over the years. I’ve learned so much from Wendy/other commenters. You might, too, if you stick around.
I’m trying to stay positive. For one, I don’t NEED the extra money. I just thought it’d be nice to freelance again. It used to be chill and I could take or leave work as it suited my schedule. The freelance org said to let them know if I ever get the green light, so that’s nice, too. It has crossed my mind that I can potentially look for work that would have zero overlap with my company and nobody would need to know. I don’t think it would have crossed my mind to ask internally had the company not been local/in the same realm.
I want to start demanding perks of this allegedly high staff classification I have. (I won’t, but I want to.) I guess that system went hand in hand with our former Mad Men office vibes that I’ve heard about and they had a boatload of odd policies — the weirdest I am familiar with is that we had different bathrooms and closets for staff at different levels. Can I get access to an exclusive restroom as a consolation prize?
