dinoceros

So I went on a date this week, first one in a VERY long time! The guy was nice, smart, funny, cute, the only bad thing is that he’s 10 years older, which is OK, but not my favorite thing. I just don’t really feel like I’m mature enough for that.

Anyway, we met at a work-related happy hour and he came with me to trivia with my friends afterward. Right after I got home that night, he sent me an email to my work email (hadn’t given it to him) and he sent me a linkedin request. He asked me to dinner a couple days later, so I agreed.

Dinner was fine. I actually went to his house, which is not the best idea, but we were going to a late movie and he was going to feed his pets and I wanted to meet them/kill time. Hung out for a bit, missed the movie, so I went home shortly after the movie would have started. Just a hug at the end.

After that, he texted me to say he had fun and he liked me, and I said that we could hang out at the end of the week, since this is my busiest week of the year. The next day, he texted me in the morning, then in the afternoon about future things we could do. Then he texted me this morning and knowing we were both at work, said I could come visit him at his office. He also requested to follow me on twitter. I’ve responded to his texts, but not offered much more conversation beyond that. I haven’t accepted any of his social media requests.

I think this is just how he is. My co-worker hung out with him a couple of times in the past and eventually told him she was way too busy and then ghosted him when he contacted her again. I wasn’t sure if I was into him at first since I didn’t know him that well, and now I’m just feeling really claustrophobic. There are guys that I’ve liked enough to want to talk to them all the time and see them all the time, but I choose to hold back at first because I believe in getting to know someone gradually and not overwhelming them.

Thoughts? Should I hang out once more to get an idea of how I feel? Or is it not worth the energy I will probably have to expend?

Yeah, i was tuning about this and I’m not really understanding how it works. It doesn’t sound like a true inheritance because the current owner has no control over what to do with it. They can’t sell or give it to someone else? They can’t specify in their own will that it goes to who they want? It’s forever under the control of the original will?

“Ppl here have to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This is NOT easy for me to do. Leaving him is near impossible (bc I can’t see it).”

Here’s the thing. You’re making the assumption that because people are saying you should break up, that they are saying it’s easy and insulting you or something. Nobody is saying it’s easy. But just because something is difficulty is no reason for a person to say, “Well, that would be difficult, so I’m not going to suggest that she do it.” If the difficulty and sadness that comes with breaking up were insurmountable, nobody would ever break up. I think you may also need to put yourself in others’ shoes because you’re not the only one who feels that they can’t see themselves without someone. Pretty much everyone who is in a serious relationship feels like that. But people make the decision to move on even though it’s hard.

I imagine you might think I’m trying to be rude during a hard time, and I’m not. But it’s pretty common for people on here to describe a barely tolerable relationship and then say, “Don’t suggest we break up because I can’t live without him.” But you can. It’s hard, and sad, and it might take months to get over it, but ALL humans are capable of surviving tough breakups. I think one of the things that keeps people (especially women) in relationships where they are being treated like crap is this fear of discomfort/pain. No one wants to go through that, but sometimes you have to put your overall wellbeing and need for a functional life/relationship above temporary pain.

Just food for thought.

My friend who has been online dating started out ensuring that there was a lot more messaging time before meeting. She got obnoxious messages, of course, but deleted them and went on her way. When she got more lax and started meeting guys a lot quicker, she saw the obnoxiousness in person and it was a lot more draining for her. She got to the point of deactivating a lot quicker at that point.

I personally don’t do more than a couple messages. It’s hard for me to make myself spend time messaging someone I don’t know, and I get bored quickly. So, for me, I prefer to just meet them and then either see them again or just be done with it. But I think it just depends on the person and their preferences.

I initially skipped over the part where you’ve been together for three months. I think Kate and Essie both make good (but somewhat opposite) points there, and I’m sort of torn between the two views. On one hand, I think because you two have only been together for a short time, you’re both operating on a lot of assumptions. You do or don’t do or say things because you assume he’ll be uncomfortable or are worried about upsetting him, and presumably he’s acting a certain way or saying certain things because he’s assuming what you’ll like or not like or think. I think that where the shortness of the relationship comes into play is that as much as you two care about each other and have talked so far, I think that your interactions don’t sound totally genuine and sound a lot like you’re (potentially both of you) more focused on being polite than actually being honest about what each of you likes or doesn’t like or needs or whatever. You’re each potentially behaving based on how you think the other person wants you to behave, which makes it very difficult to get a good read on the relationship.

On the other hand, his issues seem to go far beyond your typical ED issues if he’s afraid to be naked in front of you. From what I understand, I think it’s common in relationships dealing with ED for there to be a rocky period of figuring out other types of intimacy and both partners not feeling satisfied and feeling guilty, etc. But what you’re describing sounds pretty extreme. I get being nervous, but if his anxiety is that serious, it’s going to be a LONG road.

If it were me, I’d be totally honest and say, “Look, I don’t care if you have ED, but the things that ARE important to me are that you initiate sometimes and that you are willing to try other things.” Or whatever. And then if he seems to make an effort in the direction that I wanted, cool. If not, then he’s probably not going to. I think the biggest issue I’ve seen when people have written or talked about stuff like this is that sometimes the partner decides that are not willing to put in the effort to have a sex/intimacy life if they can’t have sex traditionally, and that’s not really something that is sustainable in a relationship.

Geez. This guy is nuts.

My friend went on a date with a guy, and at the end, he was all like, “Let me know if you want to hang out again!” So, she texted him that week and was like, “Do you want to hang out? We could go to that place you recommended this weekend or next week.” He replied that he was broke and couldn’t go out for a couple of weeks, and then kept going and was like talking about how he was having a bad day and was feeling really grumpy, and was like “It doesn’t matter when or where we hang out” (though, it clearly did, since he had turned down her first offer), and then finally was like, “I don’t really care. Let’s talk some other time.”

It was interesting because he seemingly was trying to keep her around, but not aware that he needed to not act like a jerk in order to do so. She later told me he had some untreated mental health issues (he had maintained that he didn’t need treatment right now because things were going well in his life), and the pieces started to come together.