Fabelle
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That is really nice. I do see that your essay(s) will get comments still from time to time, so those people must google to find. How nice that you respond to them, I’m sure they need a compassionate voice 🙂
Aw, this thread is great—add me to the chorus of grateful people who’ve found & stuck with this site. This is the first online community I’ve ever really joined into, & I’m so glad that I did. Everyone is so helpful & inspiring…at a time in my life where I feel kind of humdrum stagnant-y, at least I can say my mind and heart have grown, largely thanks to the voices here. As corny as it sounds, haha. I love all you guys 🙂
Thank you guys so much for all the thought-out opinions & personal stories on this topic! And I love that some of you were prompted to go have this conversation with yours S/Os 🙂
I did bring it up again, at two separate times, for only about 5 minutes (like, I didn’t frame it as a serious discussion) & let’s just say that, even sober, my boyfriend isn’t keen on me keeping my own name. I hope that doesn’t mean he’s a douche. So hopefully, more updates later!
So, for the record, I do identify myself as feminist. But I also am sensitive to people’s view on the Uppity Feminist thing, so maybe it is ingrained in me to assume nothing is wrong with people referring to me casually as Mrs. ______ even if I don’t change my name. But I also think it’s a personality thing with me. I tend to ease into revealing/defining statements about myself until I’m close with somebody, anyway. So if a situation like that were to come up, I’m sure my first reaction would be to not verbalize “oh, actually…I kept my own name.” If the topic came up AGAIN, I might slip that in, but otherwise? I’d be fine with letting it slide.
A lot of these awesome, thorough comments have kind of cemented the discomfort I have with the whole thing, though. Like @bethany, I was also referred to consistently as “FirstName LastName” in high school (even though together, they sound silly– if any of you are friends with me on FB, you’d know! haha) so maybe that’s why I have more of an attachment.
@ Matthew Hmm, I think you just found a solution for me… time to break the news to my S/O that I’m gonna marry somebody with my same last name 😉
Jk, jk. But seriously, this issue seems to be all sorts of confusing for a lot of people. @Matthew, I see your point about gender-biased traditions & I appreciate your guy point-of-view– my boyfriend seems to feel that way, as some of the things he was saying was questioning my desire to even commit to him.
And thinking of traditions– I mean, I’m very progressive-minded, but I admit that a shiny diamond holds a lot of appeal. I want a gorgeous gown, but a less bridesmaid-y/groomsmen-y, speech-y, father-giving-me-away-ish gala affair for the actual wedding. Like, there are definitely certain marriage traditions I’ll happily incorporate. But the name thing! Who mentioned bureaucracy? That aspect of it is daunting as well.
Oh, & also? Since we were talking about MIL relationships on the letter today…um…dude, I don’t want to have the same name as my dude’s mother 🙁 haha. Like, we’d both technically be Mrs. ______. Actually, every married woman in the family go by Mrs. _______ (he has a big family).
Sorry if my thoughts are scattered…it’s almost 5 o’clock.
@mf oh shit, how did I manage to miss that whole thread? (at least you kinda got to update us! haha) And yeah, reading some of it now– it definitely helps flesh things out even more.
@Eagle Eye that’s an interesting point about heritage. That’s another part of my feelings (seriously, you guys are helping me pinpoint every little reason why the changing-of-names makes me uncomfortable on some level) I guess I’m more connected than I thought I was to my own heritage? My boyfriend also has a super-Italian last name, which is great for him, but I feel no connection to it because I’m a Euro-mutt with no Italian in me whatsoever. And it’s weird that I feel this way–it seems kind of…prejudiced? in a way. But it’s more about the identity thing, obviously.
@katie, I tried to reassure him in much the same way, but the conversation was pretty all-over-the-place. I do remember being like, “don’t worry, if somebody calls me Mrs. _________, I won’t start breathing fire” but my point sort of got lost in a bunch of other shit.OH, also– now that some more people were bringing up the idea of commitment– I thought I’d copy/paste on of my FB friends very prescient status. This is seriously what he posted: “Remember the days when women would take their husbands last name and didn’t hyphenate. it’s weird to see a family where the father and kids have one name and the mother has a different. Maybe these days women aren’t as committed to the marriage or maybe they are preparing for divorce.”
I do agree with this point about families with different names, to some degree, but the rest of his statement is so backwards (especially if you see what he comments later on, as people start arguing with him. P.s. GOD, I hope no one I know reads this site! haha)
oh, also– ebstarr, I hope you’re right that the wheels are turning in my bf’s head now for the next conversation :-\
I’m glad there seems to be so many who feel like I do– I wasn’t sure what kind of consensus I’d get, haha.
I love the responses so far guys! So many interesting points. @ebstarr, you pretty much summed up my feelings on the practice as a whole, even though I’m more waffly about it in my personal life.
And yeah, aside from those larger issues, I don’t really feel like his last name goes with my first name, so that’s part of my hesitation. Which I guess IS a kind of rejection? (@bethany– my boyfriend seems to feel similarly to how your husband felt, regarding the rejection thing) But it’s like…do I reject him or reject part of myself? (my last name does feel very much a part of me). Realistically, I’ll probably wind up doing something like you did (@bethany, again)
