FireStar
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The point of talking about drinking IS to be helpful. For next time. She may not have asked for safety lessons but she needed to hear some. The same way women write in asking to fix an abusive situation and the advice goes beyond what they are asking for to tell her what she has to do for her safety.
Sorry…you suggested a larger bed and he said no because it’s an older home? Would the bigger bed actually fit though? I have an older home and my king takes up a lot of the bedroom but the queen wasn’t even an option when I had my daughter. We all had to fit. I had to forego my architectural digest dream spread. If he is saying no to every possible solution and coming up with none himself that’s a much bigger problem than a great Dane. Also, have your own blanket so no one can steal it.
Why is there such a disconnect between acknowledging what should be and what actually is? Nobody is shifting the blame. The OP is blameless. Completely. Unequivocally. Everyone has said so and I hope you hear all the voices saying that to you Rose.
This situation is made sadder because your attacker was your friend and you shouldn’t have to have your wits about you and guard up all the time. You shouldn’t. But, sadly, you must. The world just isn’t safe for women. We all think it should be. But it isn’t. So until it is, protect yourself. We all have to modify our behaviour with an eye towards safety. We don’t walk at night alone if we can help it. We don’t park near vans in dark lots. We lock our doors and text our girlfriends before going on dates with strangers. You yourself look after your drunk friends. Assigning a friend to look after you if you drink to excess or not drinking to excess at all is just another precaution. I’m sorry that asshole betrayed the trust you placed in him. I’m sorry women have an additional burden when it comes to our safety. And I’m sorry we have to teach the next generation of women that righteousness doesn’t save us from harm, and as between the two, you have to choose safety.
What the fuck did I just read?
Poor kid. Amazing he is so normal given his crazy town mother. A teenage boy eating everything in sight? Shocking. Absentminded? No way? Not neat? Always late? A teenager???? Get the fuck outta here.
You resent your child. Can’t wait to get rid of him. You think your ex is beneath you because he isn’t a lawyer or doctor. And you’re delusional thinking you are still in a relationship, much less one that will lead to marriage. And you think you can somehow negotiate with a man who broke up with you to convince him into marrying you. Wow. Why would anyone want you?
Maybe you should attend some of those therapy sessions you bought for your son.
What is inappropriate is the amount if time you spend talking and texting him. All day communication is reserved for intimate relationships. He has told you things he shouldn’t. He has also taken time and attention away from his wife for you. It’s wrong of him. And it’s wrong of you. If you were married, there is no way you would be okay with your husband doing and saying what this guy is doing and saying to you.
You keep harping on about his open marriage. I’ll bet the money in my bank account his marriage isn’t open. You need a fairly strong relationship to be able to open it and no wife is agreeing to him creating emotional intimacy with another woman that involves breaking the wife’s confidence. It makes no sense. Maybe you don’t *know* he is lying. But you don’t know he is telling the truth either and you have abandoned what common sense would tell you is the likely truth.
You are being a shitty person because you like the attention. You aren’t the first. Most of us have gone through something similar. Don’t waste your time and don’t be a villian in the wife’s story.You already know what you are doing is wrong.
Tell him you’ve realized that talking to him is inappropriate and your time would be better spent otherwise. Take care and all the best.
Block,delete and be a better person next time.
Feel free to yell back at the moron yelling at a baby over a hairstyle. Appropriation has an element of taking, for gain. I’m not getting the sense the baby was claiming anything for personal gain. The hell. Were there always so many idiots? It feels like more lately….so many, many more…
Exactly. If you couldn’t have those intimate conversations in front of your husband with the old flame, then you already know they were wrong and you shouldn’t be having them. I’ve had people crawl out of the woodwork during my marriage that were shut down before they could start shit. You welcomed this nonsense.
Also, he isn’t your best friend. Can we not with that? He just showed up a hot minute after 21 years to tell you you are the one that got away and he is your best friend? No.
To answer your question, no. There is no way to innocuously pass this information along. It truly falls under not your business. If your husband found this information then so too could she if she was inclined to look. That said, if you ever suspect abuse then you absolutely can say you are worried about her and have a more expansive conversation at that time but barring that, you are intruding into her private life unasked. You have no idea what she knows or doesn’t know. All you can do is find alternative child care given this person is in her life.
If your son isn’t employable then why do the test? He isnt going to support his daughter and now the child doesn’t get any benefits she would have from the dead father. You have acted in a way to damage this child. You have literally taken food and resources from her. Well now daddy gets a job. Any job doing anything because he has a child to support
I don’t think cruelty has a place here. Saying things kindly might get through. But outrage has its place too. That’s really the beauty of this site. You can get harsh truth. You can get empathy and kindness. The hope is something will resonate. Sometimes it is the harsh truth that does. Her kids haven’t had any stability in their young lives. They deserve that. As much as her question was about whether to keep the money or not and isn’t the ex evil for trying to steal it…the true victims of this story are her kids. It’s important she see that and step up in a meaningful way for them. If this person was in my family, I would absolutely suggest permanent birth control to her. Clearly conventional birth control is not is her wheel house. No one is stealing motherhood from her. No one is forcing sterilization but it is valid advice for her to consider in these circumstances.
I have a problem with forced sterilization. I have a problem with government sanctioned sterilization targeting particular groups. I don’t have a problems telling a 21 year old, with soon to be 4 children, with no discernible means of support outside of the stripping she referenced, that 4 is enough. To focus on the ones you have. To not have anymore. Four is a lot for any single mother, regardless of socio economic status. We tell women to look into adoption all the time, because, at times, that seems to be in the best interest of the child. So is advocating a more permanent birth control method for a mother of four by the age of 21, who is only now trying to support her kids and get on her feet. I have sympathy for her but I have far more for her children.
Keep the money. Sounds like you will need it.
Why are you making all these children you can’t afford to raise? You need permanent birth control. It’s one thing to be irresponsible when it only affects you. Something else when you have kids.
What business do you have time to start? Or money? You don’t have a cushion to start a business. No business is profitable from jump. Have your mom move in with you and you go get a job. Walmart. McDonalds. Teller in a bank. Anything with opportunities for internal advancement. Start whatever business you want to own on the weekends and nights. Because my friend, with 4 kids, you are going to need 2 jobs.
