Guy Friday
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No, I got THAT part. I was saying I was originally thrown off by the comment for the reasons other people had stated, but then recognized the meaning behind it. Trust me, if I felt like the site was hostile to me, there’s a big red X in the upper right corner I can utilize 🙂 I know exactly what you mean about BGM’s comments, and I echo the sentiments you raised; even his valid points were buried by the tone in which they were given. You can disagree with someone without calling them stupid.
I’ll admit the “this is a site for women” comment a few pages back threw me for a second, but hopefully I haven’t crossed any lines even when I have been particularly set on a given point (and I don’t think I have, but my anxiety always likes to check in 🙂 ). Hey, as long as I can raise concerns to mods if any come up, I’m good.
I view a guy wanting a woman to take his last name the same way I view a woman wanting a man to give her an engagement ring.
See, THAT should have been the analogy I used. Serves me right for trying to post after having the worst work day ever. 🙂 I completely agree with you, lemongrass, and that’s a much better way of saying it: if we don’t penalize a woman for wanting an engagement ring “just because”, neither should we penalize a man for wanting his wife to take his last name “just because.” I get what everyone is saying — and, of course, I didn’t order my wife to take my last name and that was that (though I won’t deny I cajoled and guilted her a little!) — and I think this may be one of those “agree to disagree” kind of things. And as long as no one comes for my throat for feeling that way, I won’t do it for someone having the opposite view.
Also, I think painted_lady summarized my thought process well too by saying:
I couldn’t choose a person who felt I had less of a right to my own name than him. But I also couldn’t marry a Catholic nor anyone who wanted kids. We all make our choices, which is the point of feminism.
To me, wanting to take my last name is probably up there with wanting kids and their faith in potential deal-breakers. Would I have walked away from my wonderful wife if she had refused? I don’t know. Thank goodness I don’t have to find out, right? 🙂
So here’s my problem with the whole “last name” debate: anytime a guy has any feeling about it besides “Oh, sweetie, whatever you want is fine with me,” we get labeled as chauvanist pigs who want to treat our wives like dining room sets or cars (i.e., things we own). And that’s completely unfair, especially since it just doesn’t mean the same thing as it once did. As a guy, I absolutely wanted my wife to take my last name, and I was insistent on it. Granted, part of it was because I was basically capitulating to every other damn thing in the marriage (raising the kids Catholic, seeing her parents for every Christian holiday, etc.), and I felt like I needed one thing that I got to have go my way. But a large part of it was for reasons I couldn’t completely explain. It was something that just . . . mattered to me. It wasn’t because I thought my wife was less than me; I just wanted us to have an identity as a couple in the fashion that I always dreamed of it being. Many women also get “given away” by their fathers at their weddings; should we assume they all see themselves as property because they did that? Also, men put up with far more ridiculous requests from the women they marry because “that’s how I always imagined it being.” I’m not saying getting married in a certain place or a certain time is necessarily equal to changing your last name for (you hope) the rest of your life, but I just fail to see why the former is considered completely reasonable and forgivable, and the latter is some great sin.
I don’t know. I’m just seriously sensitive about this. I got SO much crap from people for wanting my wife to take my last name, and it’s such bullshit. Men shouldn’t be bashed for wanting that, and I get really sick and tired of being tarred and feathered for it, even indirectly, for holding that belief. I would never do anything but support and celebrate my wife’s accomplishments, and I would never try to minimize her family history, so I don’t know why people always think that because I wanted her to take my name it means I don’t care about either of those things. 🙁
