keyblade

I don’t know why this thread keeps poking at me. I think your plan on not saying anything at the moment and being more attentive is a good plan. But just to put it out there if there ever comes a time you feel like saying something, I also think it would be okay.

IF you didn’t mind things being very awkward, If you could live with her talking about the conversation to mutual acquaintances, IF it would be doable to find another gym and coach your daughter likes, and because you feel strongly you crossed no lines,

you could ask to speak with her in private, briefly. You could tell her it has come to your attention that her boyfriend has a public record of felonious assault of past girlfriends. If she asks how you found out, you could tell her someone told you in confidence; it’s true. You could tell her you aren’t trying to pry, or make it your business, but out of concern you wanted her to make sure she was aware of the information. You could assure her you won’t bring it up again, but it was important to you to know she was at least aware.

And leave it at that.

@Copa- this was typed out before I saw your comment wasn’t directed at me.

I’ve hired a lot of babysitters through the years (they graduate) but it has never occurred to me to ask about their boyfriend and google him. I would bet they (Becaboo84 and husband) haven’t done it before, but I have a better understanding now, how it all came about. This is not a typical babysitting job.

The only reason I brought up “snooping” is because there seemed to be a lot of information uncovered. That made it seem like it might have had more to do with curiosity than necessity and it seemed like that curiosity might have ended up putting Becboo84 in a very tough position.

Upon getting further details that this really was just a record search, my opinion has changed.

I don’t think this is information that has to be acted on, immediately. This should be considered a separate issue from what they will end up doing to find suitable childcare a month from now.

Because the boyfriend has worked at the gym with the letter writer’s kids, I don’t think it is unreasonable to speak with someone in charge about concerns they might have about their hiring process. I even think if they continue to get to know this coach, there may be an opportunity to broach the topic in the future.

I think people who work in childcare deserve to have a private life. I think in this time of ubiquitous recording, people who work with kids deserve to have some personal boundaries around their private time in which they aren’t expected to explain their off time to nosy parents. Maybe that isn’t very realistic but I still think it’s a respectful gesture towards babysitters, in general. But perhaps it had less to do with this question than I may have assumed in some of my prior responses.

Becaboo’s husband sounds like he is the one that did all the sleuthing.
If he interacted less with the coach than Becaboo84, and he knew she was going to ask her maybe he figured he’d just make sure she wasn’t a crazy driver and that her boyfriend wasn’t seedy. I can understand why Becaboo84 would feel defensive about her husband’s choice to poke into the life of this potential babysitter if she knows her husband to be a generally kind and respectful guy. I imagine they’ve both learned something from this experience.

What made me uncomfortable about the search is that the husband could have seen there was a felony and just ruled the coach out without looking up all the details.

He went back to investigate who the assault charges involved he looked into past children, adoption, and pieced together how long ago this happened from when he thinks the coach and boyfriend started dating. That is the part that is weird to me. But it’s worth remembering that it wasn’t all Becboo84 who sat down and searched out the coach.

A big part of the reason it would be so weird to say anything is because they hadn’t even asked the coach, yet. And even if they did, it would be unlikely she would assume that meant they were going to look up her boyfriend just in case he ended up coming to the house, uninvited. I’m not sure how it’s much different if it had been the coaches mother or best friend. If they didn’t want anyone else over there, they could have said so when discussing the job with the coach. Because that isn’t information that was necessary relevant to deciding to ask her to babysit. And if it is was, they could have at least waited until it was a real possibility and not a hypothetical before doing all the sleuthing. As soon as he realized the boyfriend had a record he could have stopped snooping and started thinking about other babysitters. If they asked her and she said she might ask him to come over, they could have then asked if they could talk to him and also do a cursory background check on him.

They just got really ahead of themselves on this one and now they’re in an awkward situation as a result. I think most people on this thread recommend waiting and doing things in order next time because doing a search before asking might seem convenient but is unnecessarily invasive of this coach’s private life.

Becboo84, I definitely don’t think you are a creep from your other comments. I just wanted to provide honest feedback about how uncomfortable others may find online sleuthing.

I know I post things privately online (such as this website) that I would not choose to post publicly and I’d feel embarrassed if I knew a real time acquaintance was judging me as a result. I’d be worried about gossip and misconceptions because I’ve shared some pretty sensitive things.

If your husband is a police officer or a detective and is very skilled at finding things on people, many people would already feel a bit intimidated and sensitive about him using discretion when discussing private matters. I’ll bet if the coach is familiar with her boyfriend’s background, then they are already sensitive about gossip and judgement from acquaintances. Domestic abuse is not an easy thing to come back from without significant damage to ones reputation. That’s part of the reason some people are reluctant to report it to begin with.

What you found was in the public domain and I don’t think you did anything wrong. Because you are debating telling this person what you discovered anonymously, it’s worth considering how she might feel about what she considers to be a personal and private matter. Nobody here knows she would be uncomfortable with your disclosure, but the strong possibility exists.

I agree there isn’t any good way to tell someone you’ve been googling people in their life and you’ve uncovered a criminal history.

I suppose you could leave old newspaper clippings in a blank envelope but that makes you come off as even more like stalkers. Just kidding. I really don’t think it’s odd to do a casual search on someone who coaches your children. But the point of such a search is for your own personal comfort. It isn’t to do an in depth background search of people who are in their private life.

I’m assuming you’ve decided against asking her to babysit but you want to make sure she understands she may be at risk for domestic violence, correct? It would be different, I think, if he were a registered sex offender. But otherwise, I would assume she already knows. I’m sure it has affected his employment opportunities and perhaps his ability to register to vote.

Just don’t ask her to babysit. If you absolutely can’t stop yourself, at least ask her if she does private babysitting and then ask her if it would be okay to do a thorough check on her beforehand. Though it does seem kind of cruel if you aren’t actually willing to hire her to sit. Probably, you shouldn’t say anything unless you remain anonymous, and even then, be prepared to lose her as a coach if she finds out if was you.

I don’t think people should have just typed “get sterilized”. Even if you think it’s a fake, it isn’t useful and the moderator asked you to quit. The same goes for the Cheezus comment.

I think the letter writer framed her question in terms of moral culpability. When anyone has a baby there is responsibility created with that child. I agree the terms and requirements of parenthood are vague and numerous for everyone. Those with the privilege are continually creating and reinventing ideas surrounding health and opportunity. A lot of us like to draw lines in the sand around what ought to be considered “sufficient”, even though life has thrived in so many harder circumstances.

I do think at 21 the letter writer is more culpable than she would have been at sixteen. I think at sixteen she had the same responsibility to care for her child. I think by a fourth pregnancy, she is more culpable than she was for having unprotected sex and another unplanned pregnancy. There are numerous mitigating factors in her own experience, ability, and lack of privilege which could affect the “line in the sand” but I do think after having three children, break-ups, and being in the position of being solely responsible for herself in the last few years she has a greater moral bearing for continuing to bring children into chaotic circumstances.

I’m in no position to judge her as I’ve gotten a lot of help and support and I’m in no position to relate to her choices nor fully appreciate the impact of the abuse she survived. But she did come to Dear Wendy and solicited opinions.

Yes, letter writer you will be more “culpable” for any abuse or neglect your children suffer as a result of not having a safe shelter. The blame doesn’t matter but the consequences do because they are currently in the making. At twenty-one you are not the most vulnerable player in this story. It is no longer your parent’s job to raise you, even if don’t have everything you need. It isn’t your fault you have dysfunctional expectations and lack of stability. But you are young and you don’t have to stay this way. You can make choices to move towards a happy, healthy life. You can learn how to take care of yourself and live one day at a time. You don’t have to find love from abusers. You can learn to take care of yourself and your own needs. The way things started for you doesn’t have to define where you end up or how high you go. It isn’t about money, it’s about self-respect and care.

https://wikidiff.com/culpable/responsible