Lucidity
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I think what people are reacting to here is the dissonance between the questions you’re asking, which mainly revolve around what he’s thinking, and your statement that you’re just looking for advice on how to deal with the situation.
I believe you when you say you know this is wrong and you’re not trying to get involved with a married man, but you write like someone who wants him to make a move so you can feel as if you’re being passively swept along by feelings you’re powerless to resist. I also think that if you really wanted to get over your crush, you’re asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter whether he loves or lusts for you, and you don’t need to know “what you’re up against” to deal with this. Strangers on the internet can’t possibly tell you what’s inside his head – arguing over whether this is real or imagined is futile – so I think that writing this post was just another way for you to feed your obsession. To be honest, it sounds like this is a way for you to distract yourself from the painful/uncomfortable emotions associated with your recent breakup.
Normally, people get over crushes by reducing time spent together, consciously redirecting their thoughts whenever they find themselves thinking about that person, and immersing themselves in hobbies, friends, etc. If you’re incapable of shutting down your crush by yourself, I agree that therapy would be very helpful.
“Am I wrong for asking for help with small menial task? Should 100% of the housework be left to me soley cause I do not work?”
I don’t think we can answer these questions for you. Every couple is different, and should work out an arrangement that suits their needs. You should have had a conversation about the division of household labor before you moved in.
I assume you’re not paying rent, or contributing to bills, since you don’t have a source of income, correct? Personally, if I were staying with a partner rent-free, and they were working full time and (I assume) paying for my food and expenses, I would jump at the chance to contribute by taking on all of the household chores. I would happily get up to take the dog out in the morning because, as a pet owner, I know from experience how rushed you can feel when you’re trying to care for them and get ready for work at the same time. It’s really not a big deal; you can always go right back to bed.
That being said, I would expect my partner to express gratitude for my contributions, treat me with respect, and volunteer to pitch in with tasks I’m unable to get done myself. It’s hard to feel valued when your partner responds to you with resentment. It sounds like he expected things to be different too, which is why discussing these things prior to moving in is so important.
It’s time to have a conversation about how the way he speak to you makes you feel, and about how you’d like household chores to be divided. If you’re incapable of having a calm, adult conversation about this, or if he dismisses your feelings just because you don’t work, then I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.
With this additional information, I’m wondering if your dad maybe had some inkling that there was a chance he wasn’t your bio-dad, but put his name on the birth certificate because he loved your mom and knew he would love you, too.
You are not a cuckoo bird. You are part of the family you were supposed to be born into, and I’m certain that your father and brothers love you and are grateful you are in their lives, regardless.
Good luck with Ancestry.
I’m sorry, CurlyQue, this must be very hard for you. I think you might benefit from therapy, especially to work through these feelings of betrayal you now have towards your mother.
Perhaps she didn’t tell you because she was ashamed and afraid that you would judge her or hate her. Maybe she didn’t want news of her betrayal to get back to your father and cause him pain. Maybe she didn’t want to cause you pain. Maybe she worried this news would change your relationship with your father. Maybe there are bad memories surrounding your bio-dad and/or your conception, and she blocked it out, or thought she was protecting you by preventing you from learning the truth and trying to find him. Maybe it was a combination of some or all of those things.
I think that despite your doubts, it’s likely your father had no idea, otherwise I would have expected him to be reluctant for you all to do these tests. He is probably also in shock and struggling with this revelation. I hope you will stay close and support one another through this. I’m sure you know this, but it’s worth saying that the man who put his name on your birth certificate and raised you is your father. The fact that he’s not your biological father doesn’t change that.
Perhaps family counseling would be helpful to guide you all through this.
An adult’s birthday party is extremely low on my priority list, unless it’s a major milestone, and I don’t even have children. If your friends can’t afford to take their family out for a meal, they certainly can’t afford child-care for an adult non-relative’s birthday party – they are going to prioritize events like weddings, family events, their own anniversaries, the occasional date-night just the two of them, etc.
That being said, your friends are being unbelievably inconsiderate and entitled by bringing their children to an event that they were explicit told is adults only. How are you responding to these texts? You should be firmly and immediately shutting them down: “I’m sorry to hear that, but if you must bring your children, then we unfortunately cannot host you. As I said before, this event is adults-only.” If they show up anyway, reiterate that this isn’t a child-friendly event and do not let them in. If they become upset with you, it’s their own fault. Stay calm and point out that you set expectations multiple times. You do not need to justify to them why the event is adults-only, and you do not have to smile and grit your teeth and let their kids in just because they’ve chosen to rudely ignore your reasonable request.
Personally, I would start hosting my adults-only events at locations where children are not permitted, like bars, and expand my social circle to include more child-free couples.
I have to disagree that a difference in politics is necessarily a deal-breaker. I am on the far left and my husband is firmly on the right, and I find the difference in opinion refreshing. He regularly expands my worldview and we never run out of things to talk about. Sometimes we change each others’ minds, and sometime we have to agree to disagree. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who always thinks exactly the same as I do. I could certainly see how it could be deal-breaker for many couples, though, especially if they’re unable to respect each other’s opinions or if there’s a difference in morality (it’s hard to imagine anyone but an alt-right racist loving an alt-right racist), but I’ve never been happier.
I’ve been lurking on this thread so far but I have to come out to say please delete and block Neighbour from your social media, Copa.
Do you trust your brother-in-law? Is it safe to confide in him? It doesn’t sound like he’s in complete agreement with your sister. Can you talk to him, privately, about how she’s treating you and how it makes you feel? Perhaps he can advocate for you and get her to see that trying to exercise this much control over you is excessive and damaging to your relationship. She’s more likely to listen to her husband, whom she (hopefully) sees as an equal, than you, whom she sees as a child. If there’s any chance you think this could backfire (ie. if he told her you were complaining to him and she took that as you going behind her back), then it’s not a good idea.
You either need to figure out a way to change the dynamic between you and your sister from a parent-child relationship to one between two adults who respect each others’ agency, or move out.
It’s very disturbing that your sister would force you to quit your job. If she really had your best interests at heart, she would be encouraging you to gain work experience and build your savings. As as 20 year old, adult woman, nobody has the right to tell you who you can date or who you can sleep with, even if you’re living under their roof. You might be obligated to follow her house rules about when and how he can visit you in her home, but she does not have the right to control who you date or sleep with. At 20, YOU are the only one who decides if a man is good enough for you. I agree that this control of your employment and relationships is a form of abuse.
Unless you’re afraid of standing up to her because she is physically abusive, I would sit down with her and have an adult conversation. Do not treat it as asking her permission, but as simply explaining what you’re going to do. Tell her that having a job is important to your future and that you’re going to ask for your job back and/or start applying elsewhere. Explain that as an adult, you can assess for yourself if a man is good enough for you, and that you will be dating whomever you please. If she refuses to accept this or tries to stop you (which sounds likely), it’s time to move out.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. If you haven’t already, I strongly recommend grief counseling or some other form of therapy. Therapy would also be helpful for finding ways to effectively communicate with and stand up to your sister. Your school likely has free or low-cost counseling services on-site. They should also be able to connect you with other services that can help you find alternate housing if you don’t have any friends able to take you in.
I think you kind of have to do it at this point. You could have said no, but instead you said “I have plans but if absolutely no once else can help out let me know.” You essentially agreed to be her back-up plan, and now she needs to use her back-up plan. Keeping your word is the right thing to do. In the future, if you don’t want to babysit for her, give her a firm no when she asks, right away: “I’m not available that day/time. You’ll have to make other arrangements.”
ETA: I’m not that comfortable/great around kids either, but lately I’ve been helping a friend who is going through a separation by babysitting for free occasionally when she needs someone last minute, since her finances and schedule are a mess right now. She lives an hour away, and sometimes I just do. not. want. to go. Afterwards, though, I feel really good about myself for doing something so selfless. As a bonus, the more time I spend with her kids, the better I’m getting at being around kids in general. You might find that this is both an opportunity to bond with your nephew and to feel good about yourself.
Anonymousse, sadly, you are right and there are some predators out there, but I think it’s safe to say that the vast majority of teachers do not ever think of students romantically. I did mention later in my comment that if he was interested, that would be indicative of a predator, but I didn’t want to dwell too much on the possibility he could be because I didn’t want to give her false hope and/or encourage a relationship with a predator, as those who suggested contacting him when she graduates are doing.
I read your question to my husband, who is a high school teacher, and he was horrified and disgusted. Teachers do not think of students romantically or sexually. EVER. They think of you as children, over whom they are in a position of authority. This man must be quite a bit older than you if he has a child close to your age. There would be something seriously wrong with him if he were ever to be interested in you.
I know that feelings are incredibly intense at your age (we’ve all been there), but what you are feeling is not love, it is infatuation which is turning into an unhealthy obsession. Love is born of intimacy, when two people share their personal lives with one another, and slowly grows deeper with time. Infatuation is so intense that it feels like love, but it is one-sided and superficial. You don’t truly know the other person, you build up a fantasy in your mind of who you think they are. You do not know the real him.
The advice to wait until you’re in college and then talk to him is bad. Graduating will not change the fact that you were once his student. If you are seriously crying every night and jealous of your friend (whom he also sees as a child), then you should get into therapy as soon as possible to deal with your obsession before it affects your grades. In the meantime, try redirecting your thoughts. The more you obsess, the more you feed the obsession. Every time you catch yourself thinking of him, think of something else. You will have to do this over and over. Eventually, as you put less time and energy into it, your infatuation will fade.
