SasLinna
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Iceland is awesome! I’m jealous, @kare! I travelled there by myself and it was absolutely fine, it’s a great place for solo travellers.
Can recommend an area named “Snaefellsnes”. Iceland is breathtaking.I had a meltdown something like 6 months into the relationship with my bf. It was over a similar issue actually, although more of an introvert-extravert conflict – he needs a lot of time on his own and had left to work by himself for a few days at a moment when I already felt we weren’t spending enough time together. I tend to be the anxious-attached type while he’s more avoidant so it created a bad dynamic at that moment.
It wasn’t a big problem in the end though. I think I learned how to express my needs better and we both got some insight into the dynamic we had going on. I’ll add that pretty much all the small fights we had in the first year of our relationship have stopped happening since. Now there are basically just discussions instead, and instead of melting down I’ll say “I’m feeling a bit vulnerable right now” or something.
From that experience, I think it’s a bit of a myth that the early stages of a relationship are or need to be the most drama-free. Of course drama isn’t necessary, but I think a few more emotionally intense moments as you get to know each other can be normal and ultimately help create more trust. (It’s different in the very early dating stages, like the first month or two, I guess. If you already have drama at that point I think it can’t work out. But 6 months in is a bit different.)
Yeah, riots is a term frequently used in racist dog whistle politics, I’d be very wary of that personally.
I agree with the age range @Kate proposed, at least if you are looking for someone to settle down with. But the guy still has to appeal to you at least a little bit. Personally I couldn’t date a conservative guy, that’s one of my hard limits.
I’m sure they meant well, but giving you his number without asking you first is a little cringeworthy.
@Nookie: Haha! It’s not that glamorous really. He’s in Germany. We are ‘jetsetters’ in the sense of having to fly a lot to see each other, but that’s about it. 🙂
I actually asked my boyfriend about the kids thing when we were still friends with benefits, though it came up organically and it was more like “you probably don’t want to have kids do you?” and he said “I do see myself as a father some day!”. Since then we’ve discussed it several times. I’m still kind of ambivalent about it, but I think it has mostly to do with practical hurdles (depends on whether at least one of us is willing to switch to a more family friendly career). Anyway, I was lucky it came up early but if not I would probably have asked him.
With marriage, I’m kind of flexible, so I didn’t need to discuss it early on. He’s anti marriage symbolism but could see himself getting married for practical purposes. I think now I’m moving towards wanting some kind of official framework (like giving him the power to decide if there’s a medical emergency), but it doesn’t need to be marriage (which anyway at the moment would be a bureaucratic nightmare because we live in different countries and our tax issues would complicate massively if we were married).
You can discuss this stuff right from the beginning, as long as you don’t apply it specifically to your relationship (i.e. don’t ask him about having kids with you, but if he wants kids generally, same with marriage). I don’t think there’s a “too early” really, especially with deal breaker stuff.
@veritek: You are one of the most valuable contributors to the forums. I sincerely hope you don’t stop posting, even though I’d completely understand if you did. And yeah, let’s not forget this is the general chat section, so no advice unless it’s requested.
I’m with @laurel… I think there are a lot of myths surrounding what you need to do to become ready for a relationship. Sometimes it goes as far as being some type of redemption and salvation story that kind of reminds me of religion (“I dated all wrong, then I became a kind of monk and found myself, then I found my relationship salvation!”). Of course, once one is in good relationship it’s tempting to believe that it’s due to all the personal development that happened before – and maybe it is partially, but luck always plays a role, too. Unfortunately, there are just no guarantees in life.
I’m one of those people who did not go on a dating break ever, I basically dated without any breaks from age 21 onwards. Also, my current relationship started in an incredibly messy way that everyone here would have disapproved of, including myself. We’re still together and very happy a few years later. I learned a lot during this relationship and made massive improvements in how I deal with things. But I had it easy, because I was able to take these steps while being loved by an amazing guy. I say it was pure luck that I met my guy and that we got through the messy early stages. Later on of course I contributed to a good development of the relationship because I realized this was it for me and that I needed to become more well-adjusted stat to make it work.
I’ve also seen a few friends settle down with (IMO) not-so-great guys just because they were ready to settle down and had a certain age in mind by which they needed to be married or in a longterm relationship at least. This is not the solution either. My friends who stayed single into their late thirties look a lot happier than the settlers. I also know some people who already divorced and are starting over. This can work out fine, but it’s still harder than staying single longer and (hopefully) marrying later because you’re adding so much emotional baggage to your life by going through a divorce.
Also worth mentioning: There’s still a powerful myth that a good woman will manage to get married, that it’s a type of accomplishment. That’s simply not the case and not being in a relationship is not a failure, no matter what society tells you. It can be really hard to resist the ‘old cat lady’ narrative, but please do not let it get to you.
I hope you feel better soon, veritek. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Good thoughts are being sent your way.
My goal right now is just to go out with several guys and see what clicks and where I can get traction rather than zero in on one guy anytime soon. I’ve also reached out to several friends who share my faith who have invited me to their churches and offered to introduce me to their friends…I’m trying to do a little vetting rather than being surprised after a month when the guy stops taking his meds and wigs out. Heh.
Both of these seem like great dating strategies to me. I hope you meet some interesting guys soon! Have you read “Is he Mr. Right?”? I’m sorry to keep bugging everyone about that book but it basically gives you a plan to follow for every stage of dating. It’s totally no-nonsense and on point.
HOWEVER, your track record with guys you DO LIKE in recent months has been pretty poor. So, perhaps try to date a few guys outside of the normal one’s you’re attracted to? I’m really not trying to be mean. I just think it might be beneficial in your case.
@ktfran: I’ll admit I had the same thought, even though I’m usually all “if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it, no point in going on a 2nd date”. But sometimes less emotional intensity upon first meeting somebody might actually be better?
