Skyblossom
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We can all fall in love with someone who isn’t a good long term partner. I think that’s what has happened with the two of you. You do love her and miss her but when the two of you were together your life was lessened overall rather than being improved.
If you want to get back together you first need to discuss the things you’ve just mentioned. You’ve talked about how she felt about the way you treated her. That’s good. You also need to talk about how you couldn’t be yourself. You need to talk about how you lost touch with your passions and hobbies. You need to discuss how you need to be able to do those things even when in a relationship.
She has to agree to not be over all of the time. She has to support you in having time for yourself to follow your passions. She has to let you be fully you and decide whether that is enough for her.In a healthy relationship you will find that you don’t feel resentful about the time you spend together. You don’t have to give up things that are important to you. You may even find someone who shares the same passions and they can be your best friend doing the things you love most with you.
What did the two of you love to do together. Some examples of couples I know. One couple loves to raise a specific breed of sheep and they go to NASCAR races. One couple loves camping. One couples loves exploring new places. One couple is highly involved in church. One couple loves pubs. One couple spends weekends with their grandchildren.
Did the two of you share a passion?
I meant smothered as in not being able to be yourself. If she was over every single day did you have time to do the things you really wanted to do? Did you find that you were giving up the things you loved to do with your friends because she was over?
Was your relationship one-sided? Meaning did she pursue you more than you pursued her? Did she come to you more than you went to her? Did she show up at your house daily because she loved to spend time with you but also because she wanted to make sure you didn’t have time for anyone else? Was she making sure that your time was occupied by her and only her? Was she more into you than you were into her? Were you willing to do anything and everything for her or did that seem like drudgery?
Being idolized can be a heady experience but then it can grow old and become a burden.
Kate is probably right. There is a reason you became complacent. There is a reason that you didn’t want to do the things she wanted to do. If you don’t address those underlying reasons you will be back in the same place very quickly. At first you’ll do whatever she wants because you want the relationship and she will be happy. Then those underlying, unaddressed reasons will again make you not want to do the things she wants and you will begin to drop into the old pattern. Why were you complacent? Why did you take her for granted? Why did you feel you had better things to do than be with her? There was something about the two of you that wasn’t working and it showed in the way you treated her or in the way what she wanted you to do things that you weren’t willing to do. Did you feel smothered? Did you feel controlled? Did you feel superior to her? Did you feel that the things she wanted to do were boring? Did you feel that she always wanted you to do things that she suggested but never cared to do the things that you wanted to do? Do you feel that one of you is much better looking than the other? Or more socially desirable? Or more popular?
@Copa She may feel that he’s involved with someone and she keeps checking your account because she thinks it might be you.
I think the property can be both an excuse and a real situation at the same time.
Often if a person gives their reason for doing something and another person considers the real reason invalid then the person comes up with other reasons that the second person will have more trouble declaring invalid.
This highlights that the two of them are in no way ready for marriage.
The LW needs to talk to a lawyer about the inheritance. Would a two name last name count. She isn’t going to want to be in a position where a third cousin with the required name takes her to court because she doesn’t have the correct name. She should also see what would legally happen if the owner of the property doesn’t include it in a will. If it isn’t mentioned in a will does the inheritance follow state inheritance laws. That might be the way to escape from the inheritance rule. In the end does she love the property enough that she wants to own it. Would it be better to let it be sold and then split the money from it.
I’m assuming that whoever started this family inheritance rule put in a clause that said that if you accepted the property you agreed to only leave it to someone with the family name and to require the same family name rule of them. I’m guessing that if you accept the property you accept the inheritance rules and if you don’t agree to the rules you don’t get the property.
Even if you agree to all of that but didn’t write a will including that property I think the inheritance would revert to state inheritance laws but you would definitely need to talk to a lawyer.
I have to wonder how that inheritance rule would hold up if the owner of the property died without a will. I assume the property would be inherited following the inheritance laws of the state where it is located and states don’t have laws about last names and inheritance.
I’m assuming that he is just as adamantly opposed to the kids having both last names. I don’t think it is fair for him to choose to cut them out of an inheritance that way. That should be their choice. I think they could resent him for that and he needs to think about it.
I didn’t have to convince my husband about my name. I just told him I was keeping my name. If he had been resistant I don’t think I could have married him. I believe it is commitment and loyalty and love and sharing, etc. that make a family. The individual names are irrelevant to that. I know too many kids who have their dad’s name and don’t know their dad, to the point of wouldn’t recognize their dad.
I’d also check with a lawyer and see if a two name last name would meet the requirements for your children to inherit the land or are they required to have only your last name.
How much is the land worth? Your husband may value his last name more than he values land that his kids might someday inherit.
Also, don’t assume your children will automatically have your last name if you have your maiden name. In every family that I know where the wife kept her maiden name, including my own, the children have their father’s last name.
The two of you need to agree on the names of your children. You need to work this out before marriage. Don’t spring it on him when you are pregnant or after the baby is born when you are filling out the birth certificate. I think he would feel betrayed. Also make sure he knows that you consider your maiden name as much of the last name as his name and that if your name comes first your initial would be their initial. If he was filling out a form their last name would be both names on the form. He couldn’t fill out a form for the child and put only his last name on it because that isn’t the child’s legal name. Make sure this is completely clear and agreed to before getting married. If this is a dealbreaker it is better that you break up before the wedding rather than ending up split up soon after the birth of a baby with both of you angry over the name of your child. If the two of you can’t agree on this then you shouldn’t be married.
I think what you are saying is that you would have a first name, one middle name and two last names. When you filled in a blank you would put both last names in the last name blank. You wouldn’t try to put one of them in the middle name blank. I don’t see that as being much different than a hyphenated name and don’t see why it would cause problems. Your biggest problem would be if they won’t fit on the line. I have a long last name and sometimes my one last name doesn’t fit.
I kept my maiden name. I’ve never had a married name. Socially I am sometimes called by my husband’s last name but people know my name and nobody cares that I have my own name. My husband wasn’t at all bothered by me keeping my name. My name is my identity and reflects my heritage through my dad. My husband’s name wouldn’t do much for me. The nice thing a double last name would do for you and your kids is help to separate you from other people who have the same full name. I run into people who have had problems with identity because someone has the same full name. It happens at the library. It happens with medical bills. It happens with court records. My friend’s husband was billed for medical bills that weren’t his and had to go to a great deal of trouble to prove that it wasn’t him. Even though their last name isn’t that common there is a man with the same full name in our region and that was enough. They both had the same health insurance and the other man’s bills were put on the friend’s account. I don’t know if his medical records were also mixed up. I also know a woman who must carry around a notarized statement saying that she is not the woman from a neighboring state who has the same name who has been to prison and has DUIs and lost her driver’s license. She must be able to present her notarized statement to prove she is another woman who happens to have the same full name but no criminal record. She can’t renew her driver’s license without her notarized statement.
I wouldn’t get married without working this out with your fiance. The two of you need to agree on children’s last names now. I take it as a warning sign that your fiance considers it significant that you want your own maiden name. It’s like he is measuring how much you value him by the name you take. In my mind that is a red flag because he isn’t confident in the relationship. The value of your marriage isn’t determined by last names. Commitment isn’t determined by last names. If marriage itself doesn’t reassure him then why would a name change help?
