Skyblossom
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I’d skip the macho type men. When one pursues you refuse to go out. When you meet a guy who presents himself in the way that these macho type guys have you turn him down.
What does it matter whether he calls back if certain things didn’t click? Why would you want him to call you back?
You’ve told us what he said about you but not much about what you thought about him except that things didn’t click. What did you think? Were you attracted to him?
If not why not be glad he didn’t call knowing that sooner or later the right guy will call back. All the rest are irrelevant.
The first statement by the LW was off putting. She goes on and says that he mom says the same thing and the sister also sometimes says she isn’t a good mom. I think that is their family attitude. It is their family opinion that the LW agrees with and is repeating. Whether the sister is a bad mom is much harder to say but they all agree that she isn’t so good.
I think the LW’s mom took it upon herself to always be there to watch her grandson but now she’s getting tired of being on call all of the time and she is the one deciding that the LW should be filling in for overnights at least. The LW says her mom is complaining about how much her mom is being asked to babysit. Mom’s solution is to demand and guilt the LW into doing it instead.
There is this poor family dynamic going on and LW is just part of that dynamic. It sounds like they have plenty of resentment to go around. That’s why I stress being grateful for kindnesses done for you and always thanking someone and appreciating them for what they do for you. Acknowledge the help given. Practice gratitude.
That comes from her not having a single friend she can leave a child with overnight. She has only left her child with the grandmother overnight and in general it sounds like grandma likes that arrangement. The LW said that she often babysits during the day but doesn’t want to do overnight and didn’t want to give up her own plans.
I think that if you have a group of good friends you can find at least one that would be happy to watch your kid overnight. If you can’t that says something about the depth of the friendships. This wasn’t an emergency situation. Her sister had three weeks to find someone to watch the the nephew and in three weeks she couldn’t find a single friend that would do it. Three weeks is plenty of time to make an arrangement with a friend.
This isn’t the first time she’s been asked to help. This is the first time she’s been asked to watch him overnight.
We had no relatives here so we had to find alternatives. I have personally volunteered to watch the kids of friends when I knew the friend needed it without the friend having to ask. You grow your village by being a kind, caring, giving person. You grow your village by being a nurturing person. The sister doesn’t appear to have a village. The nephew has a mom and a dad and between them they apparently don’t have a single friend or couple that could watch their son. That seems astounding for someone with a group of friends.
My guess is that the sister didn’t ask her friends. When the LW said she would babysit if the sister absolutely couldn’t find anyone else the sister waited a few days and called and said she couldn’t find anyone else without putting in any effort. Either that or the sister has no close friends. Any couple with two sets of friends should be able to find more than a single person to watch their child. They should be able to find someone who would be glad to watch the child. They shouldn’t need to wear someone down until they finally just give in and do it with resentment.
Maybe the sister would have to treat the friends better than she treats the LW. She might have to provide some food and she might have to reciprocate by watching a friend’s child from time to time. It is easier to think of family as just being there with no strings attached. Some people feel that you can use family which is totally different than being there for family because you love them. The LW’s resentment didn’t just occur. Resentment builds over time and being pushed into this childcare isn’t going to make the sisters closer. It will just grow the resentment some more.
It’s a guess, and just a guess, but the sister probably shows no gratitude or appreciation for the free babysitting. She takes it for granted as something that is owed to her by her family just because they are her family. Close family relationships work the best when you continually show your gratitude and appreciation for what they do. It works best with your spouse and it works best with your parents and your siblings and your children.
We don’t know whether the sister does her share of giving in this family or if she just takes. We don’t know enough to make a judgement like that.
I know that I would not try to push off either of my kids on someone who was extremely reluctant to watch them overnight. I don’t think it is good for the kid.
The sister has always had mom for overnight and until this time mom has never said no so sister has no depth here for overnight care. That isn’t this LWs fault. Mom finally said no. Why is mom’s trip more important than the LW’s trip. Mom and the sister are the two who set up this dynamic and now that mom is tired of it she wants to dump it over on the LW. I get wanting to leave your child with someone you trust but pushing someone to watch a child when they don’t want to isn’t a good start for any evening for the child or the caregiver.
I’d be more apt to work out something with a work colleague who also worked overnight who had children and you could trade childcare with each other. The fact that the sister seems to have no depth like this in her life might be the indicator that she doesn’t reciprocate well with other people. Most people have a group of friends who help each other out when they are in a bind and the sister doesn’t seem to have that. That isn’t the LWs fault. I’ve watched the children of friends when needed. Where are the sister’s friends? Why does she have no one but her mom and her sister. Especially if the family has lived in this area for years, which I’m guessing because they all live close to each other, why doesn’t the sister have good friends? The kind of friends who help you out when you need it? There is more going on here than the LW being a selfish, bad sister.
I don’t think you are in any way being selfish in not wanting to change your own plans. You have a right to have plans and a right to not be forced to change them because someone guilts you. It isn’t selfish to have a life. I’m saying that as a parent of two. I never pressured anyone to watch my kids. I can’t imagine pressuring someone who is reluctant to watch either of my kids. It can’t be a good situation. It might be time for your sister to come up with more depth for babysitting, especially for overnight.
I also don’t think it is selfish or rude to expect to be compensated for your expenses. I grew up with the idea that if someone did you a favor it shouldn’t cost them money. Where I live it is standard to compensate someone for any expense incurred for a favor. It isn’t selfish or rude. It shows someone that you understand what they are doing for you and that it costs them and that you want to make sure that it costs nothing more than their time. This isn’t you making a profit off of your sister. This is you being compensated for the expense you would incur for the care of your dog while providing free care for her son. Also, if you have a babysitter around here you provide the meals. Even at daycare you send meals along with your child and you are paying the daycare to watch your child. You doing a favor for your sister shouldn’t include you spending your own money to compensate someone else for doing something like caring for your dog that you aren’t doing because of the favor. The same for losing money on camping. If you’ve paid for camping and are losing that money then she should compensate your for that. It is only fair. It isn’t greedy. You don’t ask someone to lose a deposit because you need them to help you. You ask how much it cost and give them the money without them needing to ask. That is what people do when they are appreciative of the help and when they understand that a sacrifice is being made for them. You giving up your plans is you making a sacrifice. You are the one being inconvenienced and you are the one who is being forced to give up their plans. It shouldn’t also cost you money. You shouldn’t be paying out of your pocket to do her a favor. She isn’t working for free. She expects to be compensated.
@Bacon Mistress A man refusing to propose because the woman he supposedly wants to marry lets him know that she wants to get engaged seems ridiculous. Really incredibly ridiculous. What kind of marriage could they possibly have if her letting him know what she wanted from something as important as a relationship was considered bad. That’s the same as saying she has no right to an opinion of her own. She was lucky to get away from that one. What an awful marriage it would have been. In a relationship with good communication they would have agreed on a timeline that included a window where he would propose. She wouldn’t know the exact time or place but she would know that it would happen. He could still surprise her. It seems he was just making a stupid excuse because he didn’t actually want to get engaged and blaming it on her wanting it too much was his convenient way to blame her. What a jerk.
There is no guarantee that her nephew sleeps through the night. There is no guarantee that he won’t be missing his mom and his dad and his grandma and will have trouble going to sleep. There is no guarantee that he won’t be up multiple times in the night. I would never assume that an overnight with a toddler will be easy.
At this point you need to do it because you said you would be the backup babysitter if she absolutely needed it. So now she has said she needs it. In the future don’t agree unless you are actually saying yes. It would have been fine to say that you already had scheduled plans and couldn’t do it. Other people, including your mom are telling her no. I’m curious as to why it is okay for everyone to expect you to change your plans but not your mom to change her plans?
It is very fair to ask your sister to pay for whatever it might cost to get someone to take care of your dog. She should also pay for dinner and breakfast. If you had any deposits down for a campsite then she should also cover any cost you might have already paid. She should pay any financial cost associated with you babysitting her child.
Does your sister reciprocate the help she receives in any way? Does she help you out from time to time in some way or do you feel that all help goes to your sister and none comes from her?
Do you feel your nephew could use more positive attention from the adults in his life? If the answer is that you feel that he is sometimes neglected I’d consider being there for him for no other reason than he needs it. Sometimes children are neglected and having an adult care enough to be actively engaged in their life makes a huge difference in the quality of their childhood which affects their entire life. If you think your nephew needs it consider being there for him for his sake, not for your sister. He’s an innocent child who didn’t ask to be born and didn’t choose his mom. Sometimes you help the child in spite of the parent because the child needs it and deserves it.
Getting engaged won’t change the fact that you don’t feel that he loves you. It won’t change the fact that he won’t discuss a shared life in a sense of planning it together. It won’t change the fact that you feel he isn’t committed. All of those things need to come before the engagement. Don’t get engaged to a man who refuses to allow you to jointly plan a life together.
You should break up. If he wanted to be engaged you’d be engaged by now. You could even be married by now. When a guy wants to marry you he talks marriage in a very concrete way. He talks about when you should get engaged instead of cutting off the discussion by saying it is a surprise and you’ll ruin it by talking. You can’t ruin things in life by talking about them. You could agree to get engaged in the next month and he could still surprise you with the time and the place. The refusal to talk and plan is a refusal to have a shared future. All of his actions say he doesn’t want to get engaged. Believe his actions and move on.
” He told me he left her a voicemail telling her he will accept her decision, but if she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find him.”
If he meant it, and he probably did, it means he doesn’t expect an immediate reply but he is leaving the door open for her to come back at any point in their lives.
