TaraMonster

@carolann No one is suggesting the mother of the girl should submit a fraudulent social security claim… The mother was never married to the father, and likely never put his name on the birth certificate, so she’s going to have to prove it in court somehow, and I’d bet that’ll involve a DNA test. Maybe the mother of LW’s grand child IS lying and looking for financial assistance. It’s possible and we don’t know her and can only guess at her current motives. I don’t think the child should be used as a pawn to get anyone to whip their character into shape, personally. Regardless, the mother didn’t write in, the grandmother did, so our advice is geared toward her. And she needs to take care of herself and work through her grief so she can find joy in the fact that she has a newly discovered grandchild.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I think everyone’s advice re: moving out, gaining financial independence, but being careful not to depend on your boyfriend is really solid.

There is one thing you wrote that I’d like to address, though:
“She was using the fact that I kept the relationship from her and lied as her reasoning for everything. I feel however that by quitting my job and breaking things off with him for 45 days that I have paid my dues to this.”

The thing is, you didn’t owe her anything because you didn’t do anything wrong. You were waiting until things were serious to introduce him, which is actually the most appropriate way to behave. You didn’t do anything for which you need to atone; that’s the line she’s feeding you to keep you under her control. It must be hard to trust yourself when your sister is second guessing you and pretending she’s exerting this much control over you for your own good. On some level I’m sure you want to trust her since she’s your closest family member. I just want to reiterate that your gut is correct and you are being controlled in an unhealthy way. I went through something similar around your age and it’s very hard to accept that the “adults” who are supposed to have your best interests in mind are flawed people who don’t actually always know what’s best for other people. I’d recommend seeing a counselor to process all this, too. It can be incredibly helpful in so many ways. Good luck.

Shelby- Kate is the forum moderator and knows when people are posting under duplicate handles. Pretending to be someone else to support your point is extremely immature and shows that your mental health issues require A LOT more attention than a forum can provide. I know you are feeling low, but that is a totally silly thing to do and it proves everyone’s point that you are not well and need help. Therapy is an absolute must.

Yeah, guys, seriously, ya’ll are treating Shelby like a hostile witness on the stand, and she actually acknowledged several of your points in her follow up, and said it was the kick in the ass she needed. So what if she bristled at being called entitled? Her parents asked her to move out while she was a sophomore in college, which is actually kind of young. I was out of the house by necessity at 17, and it is hard when you don’t have a support network. I’m not saying her situation is the same, but if she’s been supporting herself since then and she’s around 25 at this point, then being called entitled after that would unsurprisingly ruffle her feathers.

I mean, don’t we WANT LW’s to be able to implement the advice we give, not feel totally attacked? This happens a lot on here, and it honestly keeps me from commenting. Of course there are LW’s that go bananas simply bc they want affirmation and not advice, but not every LW is like that, and Shelby doesn’t seem to be.

Shelby- like others have said, I think therapy is a good idea. It’ll help you accept your parents for who they are and learn to adjust your expectations. I actually started going to therapy at 25 because of something similar and it’s made a world of difference. Good luck.

I saw your second comment after I posted again. My bad! Yeah if you know it’s going to be small, then of course focus on other things. I am a perpetual worrier and right now that worry is centered on how to tell my future MIL we don’t want 500 people at the wedding haha.

Oooo this is so timely for me! My boyfriend was also raised Hindu, but is an atheist. And I’m an agnostic who was raised Catholic. We are planning to get married in the next year or so (not engaged yet, but it’s coming) and have been talking a ton about what kind of wedding we should have. His parents are super religious and I know they’d want us to have a traditional Hindu wedding, but my boyfriend isn’t sure he wants to- tho I can see his mother lobbying HARD for it. When the time comes it’s going to be a delicate balance between what feels right for us as a couple and seeing how much we should try to please our families. We already decided it’s going to be buffet style since we’ll essentially have to have two menus. One of the main reasons we are already semi-planning it is to save and busget for it- it’s worth it to have these discussions for the financial planning alone.