“Why am I Such an Idiot??”
Dear Miles,
I dated this guy at work (Never again!) and don’t know how to handle him. I have a strict policy about not dating co-workers and don’t know why I broke it for him (I’ll call him Larry.) I wasn’t even that into Larry but he asked me out and, before my mind could say no, my big stupid mouth said yes. Needless to say, the date was boring, we both had too much to drink and then I let him kiss me (I don’t know why I did that either.) When I arrived at work Monday morning he mentioned a wedding we’re going to in a couple weeks. I sort of remember him yammering on about a wedding during our date (the restaurant was very noisy). Is it possible I agreed to go to a wedding with him? How do I get out of this? And what’s wrong with me? — Befuddled
Dear Befuddled,
I like to sit in the window and watch trucks go down the street. They are big and noisy and when they rumble by, the window shakes. Sometimes I imagine I’m a truck driver. I wear a trucker’s hat, a flannel shirt and a padded vest. I drive all over honking my horn and stopping in diners. At one diner there’s a waitress named Sharleen who gives me extra hash browns and free bowl of ice cream for dessert.
I just saw a bird! Right there!! Wait. It’s gone.
*If you have a relationship/dating question Miles can help answer, send him your letters at [email protected].
I think this is one of those times that you just have to be upfront. Tell him you had a bit too much to drink and say that while you really think he’s a great guy, he’s just not for you. Don’t drag it out, just keep it short and sweet.
I’m so in love with Miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miles-a voice of our generation.
I would go to the wedding as Larry’s guest. Who knows, maybe they’ll serve salmon?Yet make sure to make clear to Larry that it’ll be the last wedding you’ll ever have with him.
Dear Miles,
I have never owned a cat. I am a proud black labrador enthusiast. However, I think you may turn me into a cat person. I’d like to have a cat who enjoys bathtubs and watching trucks go by. My dog doesn’t understand dripping water faucets, and she only barks at trucks.
Love,
RR
I will not try to understand the ways of dogs. They poop outside. In public!
LW– either just go to the wedding to have a good time, probably free drinks etc. Or just say you don’t want to go anymore. Why are people so afraid of honesty?
Miles The Cat– you’re awesome!
Dear Miles,
I am having trouble with my roommate, maybe you can help. Mai Tai always tempts me by flicking her tail, and I just want to pounce on it! But she hisses. I usually am not bothered by this and continue trying to eat her tail, but sometimes she is very scary, and I am not sure what I do to deserve this. Is there anything I can do so that Mai Tai will allow me to play with her tail, or should I MOA?
– Playful like rainbows!
If MOA is a new kind of wet food, do that. Always go with the food option if there is one. Or pretty ladies.
Dear Miles:
My name is Henrietta LaVerne. I have beautiful long orange hair, piercing green eyes and I live in Minnesota. My favorite things are eating roses, jumping on top of cabinets, stalking my sister Chloe and naps in the sun. Today is my seventh birthday! Also, it’s April Fools Day.
Kisses,
Hennie
Well, hello there, red.
I should warn you, I’m feeling a little bitchy today. Partly because I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting a birthday cake this year like I did last year, partly because I one of my other favorite pastimes is being judgemental toward humans. Particularly short, twitchy humans.
Hennie
Dear Miles,
I live with a grumpy old cat named Murphy. He won’t let me get near him without hissing, and when I try to jump on his back and go for a ride, he always runs too fast for me to hang on. How can I get him to let me take piggy backs on him, or at least let me cuddle him when I sleep?
Awww Charles… my little baby Nhuri feels the same way about cranky old Na’ima…. she wants to go for a piggy back ride but instead gets hissed at!
Baby Charles,
I’ve been there. Sadly, the grumpy old cat never improves enough for that kind of play. Though he may grow to tolerate playfulness, he will almost never join in. It is sad.
I have a better solution. I will ship Mai Tai to your captor’s house, and you can come to mine. You may piggyback on me if I can eat your tail. There are porches here, and hundreds of squirrels outside. It’s a sweet gig.
-Celia
I’ll let you eat my tail. I can never seem to catch it myself, so maybe you can help me. Just don’t eat my ears. The people who stick thermometers up my butt make fun of me for them as it is.
Why do they make fun of your ears? Are you deformed? It’s okay if you are. I have many extra toes. I think we understand each other.
They fold down. Apparently I’m from Scotland?
I prefer cuddling with the ladies.
I think that Miles is my new best friend.
I take that back, my other two best friends are looking at me reproachfully while they try to steal my bacon. They are either jealous or hungry. Maybe both.
(Guys, it’s not what you think. I wasn’t going to give Miles the bacon, I swear.)
ahhhh, Say what? I don’t understand the reply.
Dear Befuddled,
Shit happens but what the hell. You may as well go the wedding, perhaps you’ll have a good time…
I agree, go for the food, booze, and camaraderie. You might just meet a better match there.
It’s April Fool’s Day. Wendy’s cat Miles is answering the letters.
Note: In the spirit of reciprocity, ICanHazCheezburger.com is posting relationship advice all day long.
Dear Miles,
Your house sounds better than mine. My window has bunnies outside, not as much fun as trucks. And all my howling hasn’t fixed my mommy, she says a baby will be here soon. I can’t lay on mommy’s lap because he belly hits me. Can I come play and watch your trucks with you?
McKinsey McGonagall
I’m sorry about the baby that’s coming. That is my worst nightmare. Wendy and the man have friends who bring a baby over and everyone acts like he’s so great and I don’t exist. Wendy uses the same voice to talk to him that she uses to talk to me! I can’t stand him.
At least Daddy and my girl still let me bite and play. It’s nice to have a bigger girl, who never gets tired of me and is never too busy. Tell Wendy to get a girl, not a baby.
is this an april fools joke??
No. Wendy’s cat can actually type an advice column.
Cats can give very good advice, when they choose to. Unfortunately for you humans, usually your affairs are beneath us. Heed Miles! Imma go watch squirrels.
I usually look forward to reading her advice. this is disappointing but atleast it will only last for a day (I hope)
@WTF
I do like reading her letters, but it’s fun and cute. 🙂
Oh my god Wendy, this is too funny. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I really hope that Miles will continue to pop in from time to time even after April Fool’s Day. But where is Simone? You’ve had a picture of Miles up before, but no Simone. I bet she’s feeling neglected…
I didn’t know there were so many cat people reading this site!
Simone is busy studying for her PhD in 19th century French history and taking gymnastics class. She’ll definitely pop in some time to say hi though just as soon as her schedule quiets down a little. I haven’t posted a photo yet because she ordered a vintage Hermes scarf off eBay and wanted me to wait until it arrived so I could take a new picture of her wearing it.
New rule – never say yes to a social request in the moment. Say something like, “Wow, thanks for asking. I’ve got a lot going on, can I check my calendar and get back to you?” Then give it some careful thought. Don’t say yes if you’re not interested. If you have a hard time telling people no, work out some stock phrases and practice until they flow naturally.