In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Is it bad to feel upset when my boyfriend said his friend is hot? He also said he loves me and that I have a beautiful body. He said that ‘hot’ is only the outside, but ‘beautiful’ is on the inside and the outside. I just can’t get those words out of my head, though. All I keep thinking is that he is gonna want to be with her sexually. He has already accidentally cheated once. He was at a party and a girl started dancing with him and he said he would kiss her if she set her friend up with his buddy. When she did, he only kissed her on the cheek, but then she started asking him to go back to her place, and then she forcefully threw herself on him and kissed him on the lips. He told me as soon as he got home, and he was crying, and told me it meant nothing.
He is always straight-up and honest with me. It is just when he talks about other girls that I get sick to my stomach. He used to masturbate to other girls on Facebook, even after we started dating. And then I found out and it took three times of me catching him for him to finally stop. Could you shed some light on his behavior? — Beautiful vs. Hot
painted_lady May 9, 2012, 3:13 pm
I’m going to quote West Wing on this one in reference to “accidental” sex: “Did you trip?”
And as far as shedding some light, howzabout this: your boyfriend is a lying, cheating piece of shit. Take off your blinders, please, and dump his ass. Then get tested.
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 9, 2012, 3:15 pm
I wish I could like this more than once for the West Wing reference. But overall wise words…made extra wise by the West Wing reference.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 3:24 pm
It was a kiss, if his story is truthful. A kiss he didn’t even initiate.
They sound young, really young. He’s thoughtless and insensitive, she’s hyper insecure.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:38 pm
THANK YOU. I was starting to think I was the crazy one reading the comments calling him scum.
CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 3:43 pm
I think a lot of people are thinking that he “accidentally” boinked that other chick. But the way I’m reading it, it was just a kiss.
theattack May 9, 2012, 5:04 pm
At the same time, we don’t know what their relationship rules are. If my fiance (whoaaaaaaaaa that still feels crazy to type out!) kissed another girl, it would definitely be cheating for us. I almost think I would rather him have sex with someone else than to kiss someone else, since one is an indication of sexual indiscretions, where a kiss could be an emotional affair. I also read her letter to understand that he just kissed her, but to me that doesn’t make it any less serious.
CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 5:52 pm
In general, yeah, I would consider kissing to be cheating. But what the LW is describing? If she believes that events transpired the way her boyfriend relayed them to her, then no. I don’t think that’s cheating.
But of course, they can set whatever boundaries they see fit within their relationship. They just have to agree on the rules first.
painted_lady May 9, 2012, 5:09 pm
Oh. See, I read it as he boinked her. Which, reading the second time, I realize I read that wrong. My bad, dawg.
My advice changes some, naturally. LW, one of two things is going on: either your boyfriend thinks you have to know every one of your SO’s secrets to be in a relationship, or you think so and he’s trying to do what you want. Either way, it is in no way healthy that you know he masturbates to girls on facebook. It’s rude to go on about how hot another woman is. And if he treats kissing with as much weight as, say, drunken sex or vehicular manslaughter, I’d say you both need a lesson in lightening the fuck up. It’s a gray area, sure, but it’s hardly a capital offense.
Also, that whole “I couldn’t help it! She kissed me! It wasn’t my fault!” is sort of suspect. Whose wording is that? Because there’s being kissed, and there’s kissing back. One of those is out of your control, one is not. And if it’s that second one, blaming the nasty slut who spit-raped your boyfriend is kinda creepy and sexist, on either of your behalf.
Jakdrake May 9, 2012, 8:55 pm
I think the kiss not considered cheating… but the masturbation is the real issue
Masturbate on Facebook photos? that was sick… on porn is quite normal (what else we need porn for? ^^), but on Facebook photos? photos of your friends and relatives? that just disgusting…
dandywarhol May 10, 2012, 9:00 am
Yeah, I think that parts skeeves me out more than the “accidental” cheating. Those are people they both might know, not just an actress or whatever in porn…
Ravage Maladie May 10, 2012, 10:54 am
Totally seconded. They just still need to figure out how this whole relationship thing works.
LW, the key word is COMMUNICATION. And maybe having a little faith in yourself. Your boyfriend gets a different key word though. TACT.
Kristina May 9, 2012, 3:15 pm
“He has already accidentally cheated once. He was at a party and a girl started dancing with him and he said he would kiss her if she set her friend up with his buddy.”
That’s not accidentally cheating. That’s cheating. And I don’t care if alcohol was involved. Still cheating. Some people don’t consider kissing cheating, but from what you said LW, he initiated it, so I think it’s cheating.
As to your concern that he wants to have sex with her–that’s probably a definite yes. But a guy can want to have sex with a girl that’s not his girlfriend, and it isn’t wrong as long as he doesn’t act on it. And even if your boyfriend only danced with and kissed this other girl, I don’t think he respects you and is not worth your time.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:39 pm
I kiss my mom on the cheek every time I see her. While I agree that actually passionately kissing is cheating, kissing on the cheek is simply not.
I’m really shocked by these comments, and I’m a fairly conservative voice on here.
Kristina May 9, 2012, 3:44 pm
I don’t really think a kiss is cheating either, but it sounds like there as more to this. He offered to kiss her for some odd exchange, which I don’t really think is okay. But he also was dancing with her beforehand, and if the LW’s boyfriend really wanted to prevent any interaction, he wouldn’t have danced with her.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:47 pm
So he’s also scum for dancing now? He should’ve prevented any and all interaction? Maybe never leave his hosue again?
Kristina May 9, 2012, 3:53 pm
First of all, I didn’t call him scum. And yes, I do think there is a problem with dancing with someone else at a party. Depends on the type of dancing, but for the most part, I don’t think it’s okay. And in this situation, the LW and boyfriend sound young, and from the letter, I don’t think he had the right intentions.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:13 pm
Agree to disagree then, I guess. I can’t imagine dancing being off limits.
Kristina May 9, 2012, 4:20 pm
It depends. My boyfriend goes to a monthly swing dancing club, mostly without me, since it’s long-distance, and I have no problem with that. But grinding with a girl (which is what I assume in the LW’s case) is not okay, in my opinion.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:26 pm
Why would you assume anyone was grinding on each other?
Budj May 9, 2012, 4:30 pm
Cuz that’s how all the kids dance these days.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:50 pm
I’m old. Boooooo
Dancing ‘in my day’ was slow dancing with your arms around someone’s neck, barely moving left and right.
Either way, dancing is dancing is dancing. Grind or no grind.
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 5:00 pm
I remember that dancing! And then the chaperon would come through and tell you to leave room for the Holy Spirit if you were dancing too close!
theattack May 9, 2012, 5:11 pm
@LBH, You think it’s the same thing to dance with your arms around someone’s neck and to grind on someone’s erect penis/ push your erect penis into someone? I’m asking you this because I’m not sure if you have any experience with the grinding type of “dancing,” but it’s more like getting to third base than it is dancing. I would think it was really sweet if my fiance did some actual dancing with other girls, but I would be pretty pissed if I found out he had pressed his erection into his some other girl and called it dancing.
Slamy May 9, 2012, 5:36 pm
I get annoyed when I’m trying to dance at a club/bar and dudes want to grind up on me. I don’t dance like that! I also don’t dance with a lot of dudes.. I dance with my friends!
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 4:44 pm
I think, given the apparent age of the LW and the fact this was a “party” (as opposed to a supervised school “dance”), Kristina’s assumption isn’t a crazy one to make.
Still, as Budj says “that’s how all the kids dance”, I think its become so prevalent that a lot of people don’t see at as being problematic or unlike any other sort of dancing. The LW herself doesn’t seem too upset about the dancing, just the kissing.
SweetPeaG May 9, 2012, 4:42 pm
Agree with you Kristina. It is pretty low level cheating… and I am not sure if I would use that word… but it seems like he was inviting a bad situation. It would be really weird for me to offer kisses to get what I wanted. I think my bf would take issue with that. And, even if was just a kiss on the cheek, it just seems like he was asking for trouble. I always say part of not cheating is not putting yourself in certain situations.
Also, I doubt he was doing some sort of intricate ballroom dance with her. Which would be fine. Young kids at parties grind. And my guess is that was what was happening.
SweetPeaG May 9, 2012, 4:52 pm
To be clear, I don’t think the LW’s boyfriend is the worst piece of scum. I think he made some judgment errors and put himself in weird/awkward/questionable situations.
They seem young, so I give them both a free pass. They both could just stand to gain some maturity, however.
Kristina May 9, 2012, 7:27 pm
Yeah, I think he put himself in a bad situation.
Caris May 10, 2012, 8:23 pm
Sure, he made a bad decision when he said he’d kiss her if she set his friend up. BUT the rare times I’ve gone out dancing with friends, non of them where grinding on each other. And no, we were not ball room dancing either, but there’s many different ways of dancing. And idk about the US, but in Argentina every time we say hi and bye we kiss each other on the cheek.
dandywarhol May 10, 2012, 9:04 am
Ueah kissing on the cheek is fairly tame. One of my exes did that in front of me (kissed a girl friend on the cheek), and for a moment I freaked out, but that’s just how they were. So although you might not agree, sometimes its not a passionate, I’m gonna cheat on you!! Kind of kiss.
GertietheDino May 9, 2012, 3:15 pm
I think you have some esteem issues. Do you not believe him when he says you are beautiful? Dudes will masturbate to almost anything (think Ben Stiller with the catalog/bra ad in “There’s Something about Mary”). The fact that it made you physically ill is an interesting item, were these pictures of friends, colleagues, his mom? Why does it affect you so much?
Also, why is he offering to kiss other girls in the first place?
Muffy May 9, 2012, 3:36 pm
She may have self esteem issues but she’s never going to fix them when she’s around someone who points out other attractive people.
LW do what’s best for YOU. If it really bothers you and affects the way you view yourself then dump the guy. There will be plenty more men I promise.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:41 pm
Seriously though, what’s the alternative? Only date people that are blind? and have no imagination?
I’d suggest being single maybe until she works on her self-esteem, but you really can’t fault someone for saying other people are attractive. That’s absurd.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 3:44 pm
Eh, of course you will find others attractive, but you don’t need to TELL your partner. That’s rude. I have no doubt my BF finds all kinds of other girls hot (and I sure do find other guys attractive) but its not a topic of conversation between the two of us. If you and your boyfriend are comfortable and secure enough, that’s great. She’s clearly not, so he’s being insensitive for bringing it up.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 5:10 pm
There’s nothing wrong with thinking someone else is attractive but that talk should be saved for your group of friends?
rainbow May 9, 2012, 5:57 pm
“Seriously though, what’s the alternative? Only date people that are blind? and have no imagination?”
That was too funny XD
painted_lady May 9, 2012, 7:07 pm
Yeah, I do agree with the fact that thinking someone else is attractive is hardly a crime. But – short of the LW doing what a lot of insecure women tend to do and badgering him into confessing how hot he thinks other women are and what his masturbation routine consists of – the boyfriend is being really insensitive at best, maybe callous and manipulative at worst. I don’t mind hearing from my boyfriend that he thinks some of his co-workers are hot, but if I had to hear about it often? I’d be a little irritated. And while I wouldn’t be completely shocked to discover he jerks it to pictures on facebook, if I got an unsolicited full report on who and when and what precisely transpired, I’d be pretty unhappy with him.
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:11 pm
I really don’t want to know who/what he jerks off to. That’s his world alone, whatever works for him. And she’s caught him jerking off that many times is weird to me. Either she’s overly checking up on him, or he is really not discreet at all. If I’m naked too, I wouldn’t mind “catching him”, but if I’m just going about my business in the house and come upon that I’m going to be like “seriously dude, lock the door next time.”
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:14 pm
Ooops, Didn’t mean for my comment to be a reply on to your comment PaintedLady!
dandywarhol May 10, 2012, 9:18 am
Yeah no, thinking other people are attractive is normal. I guess it depends on how they talk about it. In my past relationships, my boyfriends never talked about it or used it to piss me off. In my current one, my BF can be open with me. He can tell me he finds a girl attractive without me freaking out, but I think it comes down to trust. Yeah he might think shes pretty, but who is he out with? Me! And who does he “come home to”? Me. But i think that comes down to trust and open communication.
Anna May 9, 2012, 3:16 pm
How do you accidentally cheat on someone? I’ve been pretty drunk in my day and been around drunk dudes who are naturally horny…never cheated. Infidelity is something that is done intentionally. It sounds like this scumbag isn’t worth your time.
redessa May 9, 2012, 3:18 pm
MOA!!! You can’t “accidentally” cheat on someone. If you believe that line of crap then I have a bridge for sale.
Seriously,come on!!! Read your letter out loud to yourself and tell me it doesn’t sound completely ridiculous. Oh, and he hasn’t stopped masterbating to other girls. He’s just gotten better at hiding it from you. As to whether that’s any of your business in the first place is another matter.
So let’s take just the cheating – I really truly cannot believe you bought that totally assanine story, what he couldn’t have said no? Or I hell no cause I’m in a committed relationship, or oh… not have made up some bogus bit about agreeing to kiss her to set their friends up? What is that about anyway? I mean, he cheated, it happens. He felt bad and confessed. So maybe you give him another chance, that’s your call. But his crazy-ass story coupled with him telling you to your face that a female friend of his is hot shows that he has no respect for you. He thinks you are gullible and desperate enough to stick around and continue sleeping with him. So far he’s right. He’s getting everything he wants and you’re wondering if it’s okay to feel about how he’s behaved.
So to put it in plain English, It’s okay for you to feel bad. It’s okay for you to feel bad enough to not put up with him at all. And once you’ve found your self respect, make sure your next relationship is with a man who treats you with dignity.
redessa May 9, 2012, 3:22 pm
It occurs to me after reading the other comments that the “cheating” may have been limited to just the kiss.
If that’s the case and she kissed him and he left right away, then he didn’t actually cheat IMO. If he kissed back or it went any further, then he cheated. And agreeing to kiss her in the first place, even if he meant it as only on the cheek, I think that was cheating because he clearly knew she was interested and he was being a tease and leading her on.
So, overall, I stand by my original conclusion.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 3:37 pm
I don’t think he cheated either. I think he was an idiot to dance with another girl at a party and offer her a kiss but I don’t think he cheated since the girl apparently grabbed him and kissed him more
Jiggs May 9, 2012, 3:19 pm
You should dump this dude. He has NO respect for you whatsoever.
There’s no such thing as accidental cheating, and I think you know that. I feel like the phrase “accidental cheating” came from HIM, not you. Did he trip and fall into her vagina? Probably not. If someone “forcefully kissed” you and you didn’t want to cheat on your boyfriend, you would push him/her away, right? That is an option! All humans can refuse sex!
That plus he has no problem telling you about the sexy ladies he’s looking at while out with you shows a major, unfixable lack of respect for you. Get thee to a singles bar, posthaste! (By which I mean, break up break up break up.)
Jiggs May 9, 2012, 3:22 pm
Oh, I just reread the letter and the LW’s bf did not have sex with her. Replace “vagina” with “lips” and “sex” with “teh kisses”.
He cried to you because he’s a guilty douchecanoe.
6napkinburger May 9, 2012, 4:27 pm
Or a normal honest guy who had a weird night.
For the record, my (40 years married) parents talk all the time about who they think is hot. My mom has the biggest crush in the world on the black guy from Criminal Minds and my dad thinks that Gloria from Modern Family is crazy hot. And they actively discuss who has fake books or not on the beach. And I know this. (EWWWWWWW) but so do they.
For a lot of people, being that open is ALL about respect and they feel that the people who have to hide that aspect of themselves are the ones who aren’t being respectful to their partner.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:31 pm
Fake books like kindles? 😉
Like your comment.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 5:11 pm
but they both mutually feel comfortable doing that. The LW doesn’t feel comfortable. And I’m guessing seh probably doesn’t talk about what men she finds attractive. If so, it’s not that hard on the bf to share who he finds attractive with everyone but her.
theattack May 9, 2012, 5:16 pm
Don’t you think there’s a difference between talking about famous people and talking about people you actually could potentially cheat with?
6napkinburger May 9, 2012, 7:52 pm
My parents will also talk about people in their social circles, people who they meet, etc. I think its gross, but it works for them. And there is no lack of respect there.
I wasn’t saying that the only good relationships are ones were everyone tells their partners everytime they’re attracted to anyone. (or even a less absolute version of this.)
I was objecting to the phrase: “That plus he has no problem telling you about the sexy ladies he’s looking at while out with you shows a major, unfixable lack of respect for you.”
I just don’t think that’s (necessarily) true.
I hated when my (ex)BF talked about the real girls in our circle he thought were hot. So I told/(asked) him to stop, that it made me uncomfortable around them, and that I just plain didn’t need to know. So he stopped. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that; I don’t think it makes you insecure or that your relationship is less “respectful.” I just dont’ think he was “disrespecting” me in the first place by mentioning it (or feeling it) and I think its possible to do so with tons of mutual respect. (I too personally wasn’t having it).
redessa May 9, 2012, 8:00 pm
I sure do. Many (most) celebrities are specifically chosen, groomed and photoshopped to be uber-good looking. The whole idea is for people to find them attractive and thus want to see whatever show they’re doing or buy whatever product they’re selling. My husband and I are very open with what celebrities we think are good looking. One time I was going with a friend to a concert of a musician I totally “loved” and my husband (jokingly) agreed to be the bigger man and step aside if he wanted to pluck me out of the crowd and marry me. We both laughed and it was all in good fun.
But if he came home talking about some hot girl at work, we’d have a whole different conversation. Of course we both have eyes and can see when people are attractive, but we have enough respect for each other not to talk about it or even dwell on it in our heads. Celebrities are, in a way, fictional. People who you work with, go to school with, see at the grocery store…. people who you can actually talk to, touch, share experiences with, that’s different. And that’s not cool to be telling your SO you think someone in your real everyday life is hot.
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:20 pm
Totally agree. And especially if he knows it bothers her.
Leroy May 9, 2012, 8:45 pm
You know, it’s not even apparent that he’s ever told her about any women, other than his friend, that he thinks are hot. She’s not saying that he’s constantly talking about ‘hot’ women, but she’s hung up on the one person that he’s acknowledged that he thinks is ‘hot’. And she get’s sick when he talks about other women generally. So I’m not sure where everyone is getting the idea that this guy is deliberately tormenting her in this way. Frankly it seems like she’s very insecure and prone to jealousy.
Honestly he reads like a total goofball. He’s crying to his girlfriend about being kissed, and getting caught wacking off to Facebook – 3 TIMES!!! We’re not dealing w/ some a lady killer here.
dandywarhol May 10, 2012, 9:22 am
Yep sounds pretty much like my boyfriend and I haha. Its not done in a mean-spirited way, just like “oh hey, you think he/she is attractive? Cuz I do!”
Jiggs May 10, 2012, 4:44 pm
That’s fine if your parents have that kind of relationship, but this clearly upsets the LW so I’m still calling uncool. Obviously do whatever works for you.
Fabelle May 9, 2012, 3:20 pm
What? I can feel my head coming apart at this one.
Okay, LW. I’ll start with your first question– there’s nothing inherently wrong with a partner thinking other people are hot. It sounds like your boyfriend does this a lot though, & says it to you emphatically (“Uh, MY GOD, she’s SO hot, damnnn” or…something to that effect) If that’s what he does, then that’s disrespectful.
Your other issue is that he “accidentally” cheated before. From the scenario you described…um…at best, he’s putting himself in incredibly indelicate situations. At worst, he’s lying. He came home crying? Really? She “forced” herself on him? I don’t know about that. It sounds like he’s the kind of guy to tell you “She fell on my dick, I swear!” Those things don’t actually happen.
niki May 9, 2012, 10:16 pm
He came home crying? Seriously? I think other people saw him kissing this girl at the party and he was afraid that someone was going to tell LW, so he came home with some ridiculous story. Otherwise he probably wouldn’t have told her at all. Unless of course he gets some sort of ego boost from watching LW get upset and jealous. I know some people will say that he’s just very honest and that is commendable. However, I think that he probably knows how insecure the LW is and if he cared about her he’d censor himself a bit.
LW, if yoiu are choosing to believe his accidental cheating story that is fine. But I think you need to sit down with him and flat out tell him that you care about him, but don’t want to hear about the girls he finds hot or masturbates to. If he respects you he will understand this. It is unclear from the letter if you’ve ever fully spelled it out for him. If you have, and he continues to behave this way, I think it’s time to say “buh bye.”
GatorGirl May 9, 2012, 3:23 pm
Just because a guy thinks a girl is hot doesn’t mean they are going to cheat on you. End of story. My fiance and I girl watch all the time; but that doesn’t mean either of us are going to act on it.
I guess I kind of see the “cheating” part of this differently. Yes, he made a bad choice dancing with another girl. Yes, the kissing comment was in poor taste. But if she truely did kiss him and he came home remorseful and crying…then I wouldn’t really say he cheated (in my book anyways) but he made some really poor choices and definitely violated your trust. It’s not a deal breaker to me though.
And the FB stuff is just weird. There is lots of free porn on the internet.
Fabelle May 9, 2012, 3:27 pm
Yeah, I don’t get that– that’s the 2nd time an LW on here mentioned their dude masturbating to FB pictures. Why not use porn?
*HmC* May 9, 2012, 4:37 pm
I have no problem whatsoever with my guy watching porn (so long as it’s not obessively taking over his life, but that goes for any habit), but the idea of him getting off on FB pics bugs me for some reason. Like FB has “real” people and porn has “fake” people and that’s where I draw the line. I dunno, even if he’s not interacting with them and even if he doesn’t know them, FB spank bank material would bother me. Weird.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 4:48 pm
Well, at the very least, in porn this individuals are well aware of what people will be doing to their image, and are fine with it. The girls on facebook, not aware or necessarily comfortable with the idea of their image being used for someone’s erotic fantasies. I think that’s why it’s a bit skeezy, but there are worse things.
*HmC* May 9, 2012, 4:51 pm
Good points. Though of course people fantasize about people they know and see in real life too, and those people aren’t exactly expecting that reaction. It’s an interesting issue… but anyway, yay porn! I know some girls have a problem with it and they are entitled to that feeling, but it’s never bothered me at all.
painted_lady May 9, 2012, 7:16 pm
Yeah, there’s a weird nonconsensual vibe to it. Although some guy once told me that I should really just assume that every single guy I know has jerked off at least once while picturing me. And while I didn’t consent to that, either, it was like, “Eh. There are worse things.”
I’m with you. I’m way more comfortable with keeping extracurricular orgasms to porn.
Fabelle May 9, 2012, 4:57 pm
I’m with you *HMC*, the idea of my partner using somebody’s FB pictures to get off is unsettling to me. It’s a mix of the “real” people thing, and also, I’d kind of be like…that’s all you need? A girl in a bikini? Should I be worried about you rubbing one off while we’re at the beach, too?
Fabelle May 9, 2012, 4:59 pm
I mean, I know hot people are hot, but I don’t get how that’s ALL it would take. Wouldn’t you want something more porn-y?
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 5:15 pm
I think the term is porn-ish.
ps Im in a really good mood today guys. My little sister just got into medical school! Woo hoo!
Fabelle May 9, 2012, 5:33 pm
Eh, porn-y, porn-ish, I don’t really think it makes a difference? Porn-like? Porn-esque?
CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 3:25 pm
Wait… So none of you have ever been drunk and had someone kiss you and it caught you off-guard? I’ve had it happen. It happens! Especially when your response times is slowed down by the booze.
Now, the dude OFFERING to kiss a girl he was dancing with (even if he only intended to kiss her on the cheek) is kinda shady, but I wouldn’t call him “scum” for it.
And masturbating… yeah. LW, guys are gonna have fantasies and they’re gonna jerk off. It doesn’t mean they’re any less “into” YOU. If he says you’re beautiful, believe it! However, tell him to stop informing you when he thinks another girl is “hot.” He should keep that one to himself.
GatorGirl May 9, 2012, 3:28 pm
“Wait… So none of you have ever been drunk and had someone kiss you and it caught you off-guard?”
I know I have! Not since college but it sure did happen then!
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:48 pm
High five CatsMeow.
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 3:49 pm
Yes, this! If it bugs you that he talks about other girls, ask him to stop. But get over the idea that just because he thinks someone else is hot that he’s going to cheat. Have you never found anyone else attractive? Did you cheat? There you go.
6napkinburger May 9, 2012, 4:15 pm
And while this whole thing is weird, it is totally plausible that on one weird-ass night, his friend was super into a girls friend but it wasn’t going well and he was like “I’ll kiss you if your friend goes out with my friend” and presto-chango- he kisses her on the cheek! He didn’t lie and he didn’t cheat! Everyone wins and isn’t he clever?! But she’s drunk and misses the subtly and (tries to)/kisses him. (BTW: who cares if she offered to go home with him? Slut-shaming much?) And he goes home to his gf and feels bad. Nothing about that is accidentally cheating. or regular cheating. Or being scum, or douchey (except maybe to that girl a bit, but even though, only a little).
He mentions that he thinks a friend is hot. He jerks off to people on the internet. (I think it really matters who these facebook friends are… her bffs? not very classy dude. random scantily clad “friends”? fewer viruses than porn sites.) Not sure what kind of halos everyone expects all SO’s to have, but this guy hasn’t really done anything wrong in my book, except to be dumb enough to have you walk in on him jerking off to facebook 2 more times than he should have.
ALL GUYS THINK SOMEONE IS HOTTER THAN YOU (THEIR SO). BUT. All guys don’t love them. The good ones just love you. and I’ve got news for you. YOU THINK SOMEONE IS HOTTER THAN YOUR GUY. and you don’t love him. Most of the time, the hotter person is famous, making it a non-issue. But sometime, they are real people. But unless you see them together and she seems to be reciprocating the sentiment, it doesn’t matter.
landygirl May 9, 2012, 5:42 pm
I don’t drink, do drugs or swear. Now dammit, hand me my beer and a xanax.
bagge72 May 10, 2012, 9:41 am
Have you ever gotten drunk, and went home alone with another guy, who already wanted you to make out with him? It’s not like this happened at the party. After she begged him to kiss her so she would set her friend up with his, he thought it was a good idea to go back to this girls apartment? I’m telling you that he did more than just kiss her that night.
bagge72 May 10, 2012, 9:45 am
That shoudl read makeout with you
Turtledove May 9, 2012, 3:26 pm
I’m a little confused. Did he have sex with her or did he just kiss her?
If he had sex, then yeah, that was on purpose. If it was just the kiss, I guess you have to decide whether or not you believe his version of events and whether or not you can live with it.
As far as him having a hot friend– it was gauche of him to say that she’s hot. On the other hand, people notice other attractive people. People masturbate to porn or to pictures and fantasies of attractive people. It’s not a weird perverted guy thing. You can’t control someone’s thoughts, and really, whether my husband masturbates and what he looks at or thinks about when he does is his business. As long as it’s not interfering with the rest of his life, as in, as long as he’s not too busy to leave the house and it’s not interfering with our sex life, it is none of my business. It’s something we’ve agreed not to talk about. I know he finds other women attractive, the same as I find other men attractive– it’s just not a topic of conversation so long as everyone is polite and not staring or drooling.
If you have a moral or religious objection to the porn industry or to masturbation in general, that’s something to discuss in a different conversation. If it’s just insecurity brought on by the idea of your boyfriend finding other women attractive, that’s a two step process. You are perfectly well within your rights to tell him that when he makes comments about it that it makes you feel bad and to please not say such things any more. The other side of this equation is to work on your own self-esteem– if your boyfriend leaves you for his hot friend it’s because you two weren’t compatible or because he’s a jerk, not because you aren’t pretty enough.
oldie May 9, 2012, 3:41 pm
From what LW says, all the guy did was dance with another girl and kiss her on the cheek. She then kissed him on the mouth and he was upset by this.
On the hot friend, the mention depends entirely on context. If she asked him ‘do you think your friend Sue is hot?’ and he said yes, that is one thing. In a relationship with good communication, you should expect an honest answer to your question. No problem there. On the other hand, if he just volunteered on his own ‘my friend Sue is really hot, don’t you think?’ then that is a very immature and inconsiderate thing to say to LW.
I agree that they sound very young. I think it is a huge stretch to say he cheated.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 3:33 pm
If it bothers you that he talks about other girls you need to tell him in a mature and calm manner. Say “I really don’t appreciate it when you mention to me which women you find attractive. It’s ok to find other people attractive but I’m not interested in knowing which ones. ” Ask him how he would feel if you started talking about other men that you find attractive.
It’s normal to be attracted to people. It’s downright annoying to hear your partner talk about it. He’s being very insensitive and you need to let him know that it bothers you. If he continues to do it you likely need to move on.
You may have self esteem issues but that doesn’t mean you need to be around someone who encourages it
kerrycontrary May 9, 2012, 3:43 pm
I agree it’s so rude for him to talk about what women he is attracted to. Hopefully the LW isn’t one of those women who baits him with ‘Do you think she’s prettier than me? Come on. Tell me. Do you think she’s hot” and won’t stop talking about it for 30 minutes until he breaks down and says “YES, I think she’s hot!” Mostly I think they are just young and he’s being insensitive.
And he accidentally cheated? Come on, you can’t tell me that your boyfriend doesn’t have the physical strength to push off a woman who is trying to kiss him? And she probably kissed him because he was giving off signals that he would welcome a kiss (and Oh hell no I better not see my boyfriend kissing any girl on the cheek). Most likely he got drunk, kissed this girl, and felt bad about it afterwards so he came up with this insane story.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 3:44 pm
Let’s imagine I’m the boyfriend here for a minute…
I mentioned to my girlfriend that I think people other than her are attractive.
Sometimes I masterbate.
Also, once I kissed someone else on the cheek, but told my girlfriend because I thought she should know. Am I the worst?
Come on, people!
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 5:10 pm
I agree with everything you are saying. People are way too hard on this dude. MOA? For telling his girlfriend he things another woman is hot?
Muffy May 9, 2012, 5:15 pm
it’s not because he tells her other women are hot. I said move on if you let him know it bothers you and he continues to do it. That shows insensitivity – someone with low self esteem does not need to be around that situation. Also – what’s so hard about not telling your significant other about the people you find attractive – it’s not like it’s something that needs to be told to him/her.
Each couple is different – some are fine hearing that kind of thing and others not so much.
Leroy May 9, 2012, 5:30 pm
What do you want to bet that she’s the one whose asking him who he thinks is hot?
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 10:21 pm
You know, I sometimes hate when people speculate and hold every word of the letter under a microscope to read the subtext under the subtext, but whatever, I’m going to do it anyways.
I kinda think it was she who asked, and he went on the whole “But your beautiful!” to reassure her when it backfired on her. Here’s what I imagine happened:
“Hey babe, do you think your objectively attractive friend is hot?”
“Yeah, sure. Who wouldn’t”
“What?? What about me! Does that mean you don’t find me attractive?”
“What, wait? Of course. She’s hot, but I love you. And…you’re more beautiful. Like beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. And you have a beautiful body. Please stop crying.”
bagge72 May 10, 2012, 9:51 am
I think you left some things out, it should go like this.
I mentioned to my girlfriend that I think this girl I know is hot, and then told her that it’s ok, because I think she is beautiful on the inside and that is what counts. I have been caught multiple times masterbating to my hot female friends pictures on facebook.
Also, once this girl asked me to kiss her on the lips, but I kissed her on the cheek instead, and then went home alone to her apartment where she kissed me on the lips, and I went running home crying to my girlfriend. Am I the worst?
ele4phant May 10, 2012, 11:28 am
I’m confused. I just thought she asked him repeatedly to go home with her, and kissed him on the lips. Did he actually go? I thought this all happened at the party.
Eve Harrison May 9, 2012, 3:45 pm
To my understanding, if she forcfully engaged him, then I could only think of rape. Otherwise it’s all about who takes cheating as what. Do you have a zero-tolerance policy? It seems like he just used the alcohol as the opportunity to cheat. Maybe the both of you should take a break. Then recoup with you both have had sufficient space.
If it really works out guys can have your turn the second round.
Leroy May 9, 2012, 3:46 pm
I don’t think that he’s cheated on her. From what I can make out he kissed some girl, for his buddy’s sake, and then she went all kissy monster on him and he ran home crying. And he’s not very discreet about masturbating to women on Facebook.
As for hot vs beautiful, yes that’s a thing. Beautiful trumps hot, even if the hot one is hotter than the beautiful one. So it’s good to be beautiful rather than hot.
The LW should just ask her BF to stop talking about women that he thinks are hot, cause it’s driving her crazy. And he should stop trying to set-up his buddies by kissing strange women.
Brad May 9, 2012, 3:47 pm
You know, the more and more letters like this one I read I can’t help but wonder how many of the women that I ask out and hear “sorry I have a boyfriend” are in relationships like this one (or worse). Drives me bonkers to think that jerks like this guy are getting the girl.
I may not be able to rank up there with Ryan Gozling and the attempts of about a dozen women to teach me to dance have failled spectacuraly, but I sure as hell have a lot more to offer a woman, and would treat her far better, than this crap! And accidental cheating? What a load of bull shit.
Brad May 9, 2012, 3:57 pm
Ryan Gosling*, failed spectacularly* — forgot to spell check.
Will.i.am May 9, 2012, 4:11 pm
Amen Brad. You echo my thoughts exactly. I have nothing to say!!
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:28 pm
Yea, I would bang Ryan Gosling too.
Oh wait, maybe you didn’t say that. Just assumed any mention of him relates to wanting to bang him.
caitie_didn't May 9, 2012, 4:29 pm
Haha, half the letter from female LWs leave me thinking “and I am single why?….”
But, with respect to the actual letter..
“accidental cheating” is not a thing.
If the BF only kissed the girl, I wouldn’t consider it cheating. However, if they’re a young couple I could understand her being upset that her boyfriend was dirty dancing with another girl.
masturbating to girls on FB? That’s a real faux-pas. Why do that to a potential mutual friend/individual you’re going to be seeing in person when there are terabytes of free, “I will never see this person in real life” porn available? Obviously you can’t stop someone from having fantasies, but a decent boyfriend will keep any fantasies about mutual friends or acquaintances in his head where there’s no evidence. Come on.
Brad May 9, 2012, 4:39 pm
I personally consider kissing to be cheating. And if she just kissed him forcibly, that’s all he would have needed to say, but he said “it meant nothing to me” which is what you always hear after someone sleeps with someone else. Yes I acknowledge that it’s possible it didn’t go further than kissing, but I don’t really buy that.
caitie_didn't May 9, 2012, 5:07 pm
Well, I read it as he kissed the girl on the cheek and then she tried to kiss him on the mouth. Was it stupid of him to offer to kiss her? Absolutely, but it’s precisely as stupid as I’d expect a typical, maybe intoxicated 19 year old to be (which is about how old I think this couple is). It’s true that it could have gone farther than that, but there’s really no way to tell so I guess we kind of have to take the letter at face value. Clearly though, this couple’s got some real communication problems when it comes to talking about hot girls and facebook….I’d say that’s the bigger problem.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 5:18 pm
I actually do not find ryan gosling that wonderful. He’s ok.
I like wolverine and conan the barbarian and the beast from beauty and the beast. Oh and captain von trapp. and rhett butler
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 5:20 pm
Well you’re just weird then.
Wolverine is hot though. So is the guy who played him. I actually met him once (yay, I never get to say things like that) at a restaurant. Really nice, very normal person.
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 9, 2012, 6:27 pm
oh good! I love him and I hate when I find out people aren’t what they seem like. There are definitely some celebrities that I wouldn’t want to meet because I think they would be awful and it’s reassuring to know he isn’t one of those!!
rachel May 9, 2012, 6:05 pm
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of Ryan Gosling either. I don’t get the obsession. That’s okay though – less competition for the rest of you!
Brad May 9, 2012, 8:10 pm
Yeah I just name dropped him because I’ve seen it on this site a lot.
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:31 pm
Captain Von Trapp? that is so funny you find him hot!! Hotter before Maria taught him to loosen up, or before when he was the high class blonde?
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:33 pm
Micah May 9, 2012, 9:04 pm
Are you me? I second the Captain attraction. Dude is dreamy. And when I was four I had the hugest crust on the beast. I was crushed when he turned back into a human.
Micah May 9, 2012, 9:06 pm
What an unfortunate-sounding typo.
Micah May 9, 2012, 9:07 pm
Gah, almost meant to sneak in there that I’ve never met anyone else with those attractions. Friends think I’m a weirdo for my Von Trapp love. 🙁
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 10:14 pm
Nope, I think we’re on the same page. I also loved the Beast. (Cartoon AND Ron Perlman version.) Also Donald Sutherland. What Freud would say, I don’t want to know…
Brad May 9, 2012, 3:49 pm
Brad May 9, 2012, 3:58 pm
Double post redacted.
Amanda May 9, 2012, 3:11 pm
This LW sounds pretty young.
This guy is not a nice guy. People don’t accidentally cheat. You can’t accidentally have sex. See link:
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 3:15 pm
I think she’s talking about this other girl kissing him on the lips as cheating. (I read it that way at first too, like what, did he slip and fall into her vagina?)
JK May 9, 2012, 3:20 pm
Is that a BBT reference?
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 3:36 pm
Not consciously, but now that you mention it, it was from the episode that guest starred the girl who played Kitty on Arrested Development as the slutty empowered scientist, wasn’t it? XD I do love me some BBT.
JK May 9, 2012, 3:37 pm
I can´t remember what episode it was on, it´s driving me crazy!!! I remembered you were a fellow BBT fan, that´s why it came to mind!
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 3:37 pm
Oh, ‘slutty’ was supposed to have a strikethrough 🙁 It’s not as funny this way.
Kelly L. May 10, 2012, 8:55 am
I read it that way at first too–like, after the kiss, they did go back to her place and had sex.
JewelD July 21, 2012, 5:02 am
Guys don’t cry about kisses of any kind, period. Even girls don’t cry about that.
He called her crying because he was scared at getting found out. And probably drunk when he dialed.
This guy did not stop at kissing. And he’s no angel, either. Masturbating – I don’t care. But the lying? nope – that’s a dealbreaker.
Chalk it up to experience with douchebag dudes. Forget about this guy and accept your next invite from a way better guy. Or two.
GatorGirl May 9, 2012, 3:15 pm
I mean, the girl flung herself at him and kissed him…he came home crying. I think you’re being a little harsh. It’s not like he wooed a woman and took her to bed…
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 3:22 pm
I agree. I wouldn’t call these “cheating”. Although he does seem to be missing a sensitivity chip. Telling her who else he finds attractive to, who he jacks off to. Yeah, obviously we all find others attractive, and from time to time fantasize about being with someone else, but keep it to yourself dude.
GatorGirl May 9, 2012, 3:26 pm
Poor decision making? Trust violation? Yes…flat out cheating…maybe not.
And wrapped up with the other things this LW mentions…he sounds like a skeez ball.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 3:33 pm
Oh I agree, she has legitimate reasons to be pissed off, but I don’t think his behavior should be branded as “cheating”. There are plenty of ways to be a crappy boyfriend (girlfriend) without infidelity.
bagge72 May 10, 2012, 9:25 am
If you guys really think that that he willingly went back to her place, and she only “kissed” him then I have some magic beans to sell you! A guy doesn’t go back to some random girls apartment knowing she wants a piece of ass, and runs out crying when she forcefully kisses him, he goes back because he has jerked off to her picture on Facebook before, and wants to jerk off in her.
lets_be_honest May 10, 2012, 10:16 am
I didn’t read it that he actually went there, just that he was invited.
bagge72 May 10, 2012, 10:49 am
Ugh you foiled my plan! Now I’m going to noogi you if we are ever at a meet up!
JewelD July 21, 2012, 4:56 am
Um…. NOT buying the whole “…and then she THREW herself at me, I swear! She begged me to go back to her place, but nothing happened, She meant nothing to me, honest!” >crying<
Clue: that's the act guys sell you when they realize you might hear what REALLY happened, and they want to tell you their spin first, so you'll discount what you hear later. TRUE. This is a BIG RED FLAG. RUN.
Next: guys telling you they think some other girl is hot – means they're thinking of you more like a guy, or their sister. BAD NEWS! Good guys do NOT have conversations about who's hot to their girlfriend/wife. Exceptions might be actresses, if the subject comes up on its own – but otherwise – no. Date someone else – FAST!
BTW: masturbating is normal, period. When you get into a real, trusting, serious relationship, give the guy a break and let him masturbate in peace. It's not about you – it's about their testosterone and fantasy. Guys usually want privacy for this, though some may want to share, which usually segues to sex with you. As long as the pictures represent fantasy only, and are not real sexual targets, don't worry about it.
Budj May 9, 2012, 4:14 pm
1) A lot of people discuss attractiveness levels of other people with their SO’s. If you don’t like it then politely and firmly ask him to stop because it bothers you. Stop thinking he wants to fuck her….you are going to drive yourself crazy doing that and it either means you aren’t mature enough to handle this relationship or he isn’t trustworthy enough to be in a relationship with…
2) I wouldn’t consider that cheating and there is no such thing as accidental cheating. Your bf thought he was being clever trying to set his friend up and got way in over his head. Barring a repeat I would let this one go….smart boy friends (and girl friends) don’t put themselves in temptuous situations…
3) I don’t get how you caught him jacking off 3 times. He either needs to be smarter (I’ve never been caught) or you need to stop trying to catch him in the act…I have visions of you lurking outside his door waiting to pounce in and catch him….an even better solution is (assuming you are in a sexual relationship as well) to just have so much sex he wouldn’t dream of touching his dink in the interim…
Budj May 9, 2012, 4:17 pm
That last one was a joke, but seriously….let him do his thing and stop thinking it reflects on you.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 4:18 pm
Good point on number three. I’ve never got my boyfriend masturbating (or vice versa), and we’re crammed into a small one bedroom apartment. I think its a) he makes the effort to be considerate and discrete, and b) I don’t go combing through his personal files or busting in on him. Ask him to not be so obvious, and give him some space now and again!
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 4:29 pm
I’m going to put all my efforts into busting in on my SO now. I would just love to see his reaction. Thanks for the idea elephant!
Budj May 9, 2012, 4:32 pm
I think a hilarious website would be “I walked in on my bf” and it’s just a bunch of photos of guys in front of computer screens, pants down, shock looked on their face, covering their junks….catching the shocked look would be crucial for the photo….on second thought I’m not sure I’d want to see those pictures.
CatsMeow May 9, 2012, 4:51 pm
haha. Yeah, 3 times means he’s doing something wrong – unless getting caught is part of the thrill for him. I’ve never “caught” my bf but he’s done it in front of me before. I kinda like it. 😉
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 4:56 pm
landygirl May 9, 2012, 5:39 pm
Something tells me that this guy isn’t going to be up for a Nobel Prize anytime soon.
Jay May 9, 2012, 4:25 pm
This letter is a huge red flag. Move on now and save yourself with dignity from the heartache that awaits you.
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 4:53 pm
I see nothing red at all….seriously? What in the world is red?
6napkinburger May 9, 2012, 4:45 pm
I was greeting one of my best friends and her boyfriend as they came into my home one time, and her boyfriend and I totally misgauged which direction each of us was leaning to check-kiss hello. Boom — we totally kissed, with her 3 feet away.. You want to talk about accidental cheating…
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 4:53 pm
katie May 9, 2012, 5:02 pm
haha… thats a good one
amers5 May 9, 2012, 4:47 pm
Personally this sounds like behavior that I wouldn’t want to put up with. While of course SO’s will find other people attractive, I find it in bad taste to tell your SO so and so is HOT. There are certainly better words that could be used! That one I’d let slide though, after mentioning to my SO I don’t appreciate it, could he work on not saying it ect. However, the whole dancing/kissing thing is unacceptable to me. I would hope my SO wouldn’t put himself in situations where this would happen. I could understand the dancing and MAYBE the kiss on the cheek, but going home with the other girl would
be the deal breaker for me. Even if he didn’t plan on doing anything the simple act of going home with another girl would signal a real lack of respect to me. Everybody has different levels of stuff they will put up with, but I’d probably MOA!
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 4:52 pm
It doesn’t say they went home together.
amers5 May 9, 2012, 6:38 pm
Oops, I misread that! Well, that changes my answer then. Since he DIDN’T go home with her I’d just keep an eye out for behavior you didn’t like in the future. Sorry for the misinderstanding:)
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 4:50 pm
1. Let the guy think other women are hot – it’s normal.
2. What he did wasn’t cheating
3. He can masturbate when and to whatever he wants to – it’s his business.
4. I have been with my FIANCE for almost two years and I have never “caught” him masturbating. If you catch him then tell him to do that stuff when you are not in the house.
5. You need to start appreciating hot men like he appreciates hot women – seriously there is nothing wrong with being giddy about that Twilight dude.
6. If you don’t like hearing your bf opinion on other women then tell him you would prefer to not hear him say that.
7. If you are secure in your relationship then one day you can both look at a hot women and feel comfortable going “she’s hot” I recently just told my fiance after watching the Avengers that the woman from How I Met your Mother was the prettiest in the movie and he said he liked Scarlett Johansen better. He also knows that Thor is the best looking man in that movie! 😉
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 4:56 pm
What? Please. Ironman, with Hawkeye a very incredibly close second. I never really did see the appeal of those Hemsworth boys. 😛
Micah May 9, 2012, 5:00 pm
With you on that one. RDJ all the way. (Unintentional rhymes, yay!)
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 5:25 pm
Oh yes. He plays neurotic geniuses so well – I get a smart-on (see what I did there? ;P) plus those eyes! Mmm.
Micah May 9, 2012, 5:37 pm
Oh, I’m a sucker for those puppy-dog eyes.. Actually, I’m a sucker for any puppy-dog eyes. Sigh.. (Also, I’m stealing smart-on. I get those frequently. I promise to give you credit.)
iseeshiny May 10, 2012, 11:42 pm
You better steal it – I want to hear that phrase catch on so ten years from now I can sit in a bar and tell everyone how it was all me and everyone will think I’m lying but I’ll be like, no, I have proof!
sarolabelle May 9, 2012, 5:12 pm
Yes, Hawkeye was a close second but he had those weird eyes in half the movie and it creeped me out.
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 5:20 pm
Eyes? What? I was looking at his arms (and those wrist guards – why do they looks so sexy?). Yum. Plus he kind of put me in mind of my husband (although not as much as Daniel Craig does), whereas Thor sort of looks like what I imagine my little brother will grow up to look like – corn-fed and baby-faced. (Also big and manly, but whatevs)
Will.i.am May 10, 2012, 8:42 am
Jeremy Renner is pretty much the shit. He had me sold in “The Town.” I want him to pick up another role just like that.
Budj May 9, 2012, 5:07 pm
I have a dude crush on Thor. So tall…long blond hair…big arms…lumber jack and/or viking beard, I just want to curl up in his embrace.
Brad May 9, 2012, 5:16 pm
Heh I thought Cpt America was the best of the bunch. Man I wish I was that buff…maybe in another 6 months…
Will.i.am May 10, 2012, 8:41 am
You are right Brad. I liked his character more in this movie than I did in his own movie.
Muffy May 9, 2012, 5:20 pm
ooh I never saw Thor! I’ll have to add him to my list of burly men.
AnotherWendy May 9, 2012, 8:40 pm
First thing I said to my SO when Thor movie ended was that I think I have a little crush on Thor and said he thought he had a little man crush on him too!
bittergaymark May 9, 2012, 9:04 pm
I can see that… Take pictures!
Will.i.am May 10, 2012, 8:40 am
I saw the Thor character in “The Avengers” and my first thought was, what a good looking and in shape guy. If I was in that good of shape, I would have trouble walking through doorways.
Samantha May 9, 2012, 5:28 pm
Thor is great, but I gotta throw my hat into the ring for Loki! Hiddleston is a babe!
iseeshiny May 9, 2012, 6:34 pm
You like the bad guys, huh? Did you have a thing for Cobra Commander? I know I did….
Micah May 9, 2012, 4:54 pm
I see a couple of things in this letter. LW, I see you feeling very insecure. I also imagine you being fairly young and unsure of what makes up a healthy relationship. Finally, I see your boyfriend as young, too, and being unfamiliar with appropriate ways to act around his girlfriend.
Some people are comfortable talking with their SO’s about who they find attractive and some people aren’t. If you fall into the latter category, tell your boyfriend that. He should be able to respect that and keep the comments about other girls (especially his friend, WTF? so uncalled for) to a minimum.
I don’t see what your boyfriend did as “cheating.” Yes, the girl crossed a line, but he got out of that situation lickety-split. And then he told you about it. It may upset you, but he didn’t cheat. She didn’t – whoops! – fall on and around his naughty bits. She tried to kiss his lips and then he ran. But you may want to have a discussion on what kind of actions of his make you feel uncomfortable when you’re not around. No, offering to kiss a girl on the cheek isn’t the end of the world, but I find it a strange proposal for a man – no, a boy – in a relationship to make. The girl could totally have inferred that he wanted to make out. If he doesn’t realize how that can be misconstrued, explain it to him.
Thirdly, your BF will masturbate. Probably a lot. That’s something you should try and get used to. But I find it weird he does it to people on facebook. That would ick me out, for sure. If that’s the part that bothers you, tell him. If he thinks you’re trying to instill a masturbation ban that might not go well. But seriously, why FB? There is so much porn out there of girls he never has to look in the eye. Why would he do that??? Also, gross to be one of the girls..
Basically, the two of you sound pretty young and new to serious relationships. Talk about what makes you feel insecure with your boyfriend. Maybe he’s totally clueless to how his behavior might make you feel uncomfortable. Insecurities are hard to get over. Trust me, I know. But if you don’t make efforts to get past them they will follow you around for a long time, and could very well spell the end of this relationship.
Micah May 9, 2012, 4:58 pm
Also, I’m pretty sure I dated this guy, too. Holy moly. He’s the reason I seek out members of an earlier generation as my dates.
ele4phant May 9, 2012, 4:57 pm
LW, should you feel bad that you’re boyfriend finds his friend (and other girls) hot? No, its a fact of life that despite being attracted to, loving, and committing yourself to one person, you’ll still notice others you find to be sexually attractive.
Should you feel upset he feels the need to share this with you? Yeah. It clearly makes you feel insecure, and even if you didn’t, you can have an open and honest relationship without sharing every little thought (erotic or not) that pops into your head. Not telling your partner who you find attractive isn’t deceitful, is respecting their boundaries and feelings.
Now, of course, there comes the question of how you came to this information. Did he just blurt it out? Or did you ask him, and he answered you honestly? He he’s just blurting out who he thinks is hot, tell him to shut it. But if it was you who asked him, for gosh sakes knock it off woman. OF COURSE he’s going to find other woman attractive, its natural. And seeing as it makes you feel insecure, it puts him in the unhappy position of either lying to you, or telling you the truth and making you feel like crap. DON’T DO THAT!!! Its not fair, not you, and not to him.
MiMi May 9, 2012, 4:59 pm
Do not drink any more of this koolaid, LW. The beautiful versus hot balderdash is pure BS, he’s most likely still jerking off to FB when you’re not around (not that you have the right to police his “special” times anyway), and he has no consideration for your peace of mind when he blabs about this hot one and that hot one and tells you all about his adventures without a moment’s thought for your feelings. He cried, you say? He was only making himself feel better – not you. I.M.M.A.T.U.R.E.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2012, 5:18 pm
I actually totally understand there being a difference between beautiful and hot.
katie May 9, 2012, 5:01 pm
um, so im really confused.
first, your boyfriend tells you that your beautiful, but other girls are hot. depending on the relationship, that isn’t bad behavior. if you have an issue with it, you need to tell him and work it out.
second, he was at a party with his buddies and someone kissed him? if thats what happened, then i might take some issue with him putting himself in compromising situations as a commited person, but as a whole, he didnt cheat. someone threw themselves at him, sure, but he didnt cheat. the fact that he left should say more to you then any thing…
third, he masturbates to other women… that is typical behavior. if he has a problem, thats one thing. but if he is just like every other normal male AND female who masturbates? not weird.
and fourth, you get physically sick if he talks about other girls? … i think you may have more issues then you think.
Tracey May 9, 2012, 5:09 pm
“He said that ‘hot’ is only the outside, but ‘beautiful’ is on the inside and the outside.” Why did this make me think of that joke Eddie Murphy told: “Yes, I f*cked her…but I make love to you….”
You’ve got issues with insecurity. He’s got a need to have his ego…along with other parts of him…stroked. You’re flipping out at the mere mention of other girls, he’s mentioning other girls because he’s got the ego thing…and a touch of manipulative behavior.
Hot is outside; beautiful is inside. I f*cked her; I make love to you. To-ma-to; to-mah-to.
You two need to really sit down and talk – without the BS, and without the insecurity getting in the way. Are you up for that? Are you ready to hear him tell you he checks out other women online…and that he rubs it out when he does? Are you ready to accept this in him and know he won’t change? Are you ready to accept that all men – not just your boyfriend – are going to check out other women, whether you like it or not? (Most men, however do not take it further, or “accidentally” cheat. That reminds me: Are you ready to define clearly what you consider cheating and hear what he defines as cheating, then work out some sort of going forward point from your relationship from there?) Are you ready to really address and work on your insecurities in spite of his behavior? In spite of his answers? Are you ready to figure out what you need to be happy – in and out of a relationship?
It’s the only way things will get better for you, the only way you can stop getting hot (from anger) over things you can’t change about him, and become beautiful – which is really strength and confidence radiating out like heat from you – whether you choose to remain with him or not.
DMR May 9, 2012, 5:27 pm
He’s just a young man with a high sex drive just like every guy his age. Even Facebook profiles will set him off…
All this behavior will subside as he gets older but not any time soon. I’m not telling you to stay or go, but two things.
1. the kiss isn’t worth breaking up over (especially considering his remorse)
2. the Facebook thing isn’t worth breaking up over either. But let him know that you’re not impressed. He should at least be hiding it from you.
Rachel May 9, 2012, 8:36 pm
I’m agree with most of what you have to say, except I don’t think he should be encouraged to start “hiding” anything. They should feel comfortable being open and honest with one another. If he wants to give himself a hand, which is perfectly normal, she should respect that. However, he should be more considerate and respectful of her whenever and wherever he chooses to do so. From the tone of the letter, it doesn’t sound like they’re mature enough or old enough to be living together, so I imagine she’s looking to catch him in the act when they’re hanging out or something.
DMR May 10, 2012, 12:11 am
yeah, I didn’t mean “hide” it, as in pretend it’s not happening, but just not do it when she’s around. If would be nice if he was sufficiently embarrassed about it to not let himself get busted…. three times.
SweetPeaG May 10, 2012, 8:45 am
I just hope the facebook girls are just random girls… not mutual friends of theirs. That would kind of skeeve me out. I feel he maybe should just stick to porn and not to people’s facebook pictures… that he could easily contact and whatnot.
landygirl May 9, 2012, 5:35 pm
I fear that I will eventually break my keyboard if I pound my head on it too much.
theattack May 9, 2012, 5:40 pm
Tell your boyfriend you don’t need to hear about it when he thinks other girls are hot. Obviously it’s normal for him to be attracted to other girls, but you shouldn’t have to know about it. I’m guessing that you’re both young and trying to figure out how to have an open and honest relationship with each other. You can have a good relationship and be open with each other without telling every single detail. In fact, it’s almost always MORE courteous to keep those thoughts to yourselves. You’re not crazy for feeling bad about it when he talks about other girls being hot. That’s probably pretty normal.
Samantha May 9, 2012, 5:22 pm
He masturbates to people on Facebook? That’s really weird. Or is that a common thing I just don’t know about? I really hope not…
You both sound young. Get out while the gettin’ is good. Clearly, your needs aren’t being met if he says things that make you uncomfortable like this. And while I think it’s fine to check other people out with a cursory glance or whatever, it becomes weird when it gets discussed with the significant other. If this has happened more than once and he’s not making an effort to have a filter, reconsider your relationship.
He sounds like he would make a really good single dude, so maybe you should let him go do his thing so you can get on doing yours and feeling better.
rachel May 9, 2012, 6:08 pm
I’m pretty sure there are like softcore porn accounts on facebook, or regular accounts from friend gatherers with lots of sexy pictures. I hope it’s something like that, and not him masturbating to her friends or something.
Samantha May 9, 2012, 6:25 pm
Ah – that makes sense. I hope you’re right.
SweetPeaG May 10, 2012, 8:47 am
All in all, I think it is better for him to stick to actual porn.
Even if it isn’t friends and people he actually knows, it is easy for him to send a message to a girl he finds hot. He probably can’t make contact with an actual porn star.
bittergaymark May 9, 2012, 7:05 pm
Ah, yes. The old classic “accidentally” cheated. I simply can’t tell you how many men have just “accidentally” tripped and fallen… only to just “happen” to land upon my hard dick. Yes, oh yes, it really is a tragedy. Guys should probably really start watching their step better, I guess.
Addie Pray May 10, 2012, 7:38 am
Accidental cheating can be avoided. One way I protect myself at parties and whatnot is I try not to be caught lying on the floor spread eagle (and naked). It’s not foolproof, but it minimizes the chance that I’ll be the landing pad when all those clumsy (and naked and aroused) guys trip and fall.
Brad May 10, 2012, 7:52 am
bittergaymark May 10, 2012, 5:51 pm
Thank you, Addie. You’ve made me recognize my own foolish mistakes… I need to stop lounging around on the floor pantless and, uh, excited at parties…
Caris May 10, 2012, 8:29 pm
WHY ARE YOU So FUNNY?!
Lucy May 9, 2012, 7:27 pm
LW: Telling you he thinks other specific girls are hot is cruel. Yeah, we all think other people are hot. But we don’t rub our partner’s face in it. (Unless that’s the kind of thing they like, but whole other topic.) It sounds like maybe he is too immature to realize that being honest doesn’t mean sharing every stray thought that goes through his head. He needs to grow some filters. That whole beautiful vs. hot thing is crap. That’s the kind of thing immature jerks come out with when they’ve stupidly told their gf that they think some other girl is hot, and now they’re trying to backpedal out of trouble. The fb stuff also makes him sound quite immature. You don’t get to decide who or what he masturbates to, but a grownup has the decency to be discreet.
The kiss I wouldn’t call cheating. But maybe if you two aren’t having sex, then it makes more sense to consider it cheating. I wasn’t sure from the letter whether you are or not, as you sound quite young. You also sound quite insecure. Constantly worrying that your bf wants to be with other girls is not healthy. If you can’t feel secure in your relationship, then break up, and work on your self-esteem.
Lindsay May 9, 2012, 7:33 pm
1. A boyfriend shouldn’t tell you about girls he thinks are hot. It’s rude. But you sound young, so he may just not be too smart yet.
2. You can’t accidentally cheat. Regardless of how aggressive the girl was, he kissed her in the first place. Wanting to set your buddy up is not a good enough reason. Also, any guy who gives such an elaborate story that puts all the blame on someone else makes me suspicious.
3. Just because you haven’t caught your boyfriend masturbating again doesn’t mean it’s not happening. This applies to a lot of things in life.
4. This guy doesn’t sound too respectful, and you don’t sound particularly happy in the relationship. Maybe it’s time to move on?
niki May 9, 2012, 10:28 pm
I don’t get the whole setting up the buddy kissing story. Why would boyfriend want to set his buddy up with some girl who would only do it if she got to kiss boyfriend? I would be majorly ticked if my boyfriend agreed to kiss some girl who was obviously in to him, even if it was just on the cheek. Why lead her on? Why tempt fate? I don’t know if I’d necessarily call it cheating, but it’s definitely not cool. Personally I think the story is just BS and a way to cover his tracks if someone tells LW that they saw her boyfriend kissing some girl at a party.
DMR May 10, 2012, 12:34 am
rainbow May 9, 2012, 8:01 pm
I accidentally the internet.
Mandanoa May 9, 2012, 11:58 pm
This is the second time in the last couple of weeks that I have heard about someone masterbating to photos of other people on facebook. It really makes me reconsider the album I have on mine devoted to my pole dance pictures… =(
bittergaymark May 10, 2012, 1:35 am
Frankly, I worry that NOBODY masturbates to my photos on Facebook. Now THAT would be truly depressing… 😉
ange May 11, 2012, 1:00 am
hey guys it is me who posted. no it wa at a bar and shr kisse him while they were dancing.. he was pretty drunk. he disnt go to hrer house he was with his buddy
angye May 11, 2012, 1:32 am
Micah i loved what your last big collum was, we have set bounderies, if he goes to parties, no gringing, just dance infront of one another like a respectful person. he didnt go to her appartment, he turned his head to his friend and she kissed him on the lips when he turned around, she kept asking for a “real kiss” on the lips and he only kissed her on the cheek, he said he would kiss her if she would hook his friend up with her friend, and then she did and he kissed her on the cheek, ONLY ! she asked him to go back to her dorm room. and he turned her down! which im proud of him for, he is really a great guy, he has done lots of stupid things, but who hasn’t we just got to move on and let our relationship grow. we are a young couple 🙂 he is 20 and im 19 weve been together for 3 years, i am really insecure ive come to realize that. i dont trusty people easily. he is a good guy though. thanks for everyones help. and no he didnt slip into anyones vagina! im the one and only vagina! we lost both of our virginity to one another!
Ricky September 21, 2012, 2:27 am
I didn’t know masturbating is considered as cheating. Men will masturbate on their own no matter how good your sex life is.