Well, four weeks ago I went away for the weekend. I was supposed to start a new job the following Monday, and he called me that Sunday night wishing me good luck. I hadn’t heard from him in two days except when he wanted to find out where I was. I screamed at him on the phone and he was texting me all this mushy stuff, telling me that, when I was finished with the guy I met, he wanted me to give him a call. See, this jealousy of his is an ongoing problem because he’s been divorced twice and I’m a widow. Every so often, if I’m at work early in the morning and he sees me talking on the phone he wants to know who I’m talking to.
Anyway, he used to text me every morning when he got to work before me, he would also call me when he was on his way home and ask if there was anything we needed. Now he has stopped all of this, and we aren’t having sex and he doesn’t even tell me that he loves me. He’s snappy and rude and I’m getting sick of it. I’ve asked him if something is wrong and he says no; I ask him if he wants me to move and and he says no; I ask him if he’s met somebody else and he says no and that I’m the only one he loves.
He’s a Capricorn and it has been said that they can be very moody people. He bought a $40,000 dollar truck and has been having qualms about returning into the dealer because he says he can’t afford it, yet yet he withdraws $200 twice a week out of his savings account.
Deep down inside I know I should’ve never moved in with him and I’m growing closer to moving out. He has breathing difficulties and seems to be meaner lately. Do you think between his financial status and his health this is impacting our relationship or has he met somebody and wants me to be the one to break it off so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty?
I just can’t take much more. Could you give me some insight as to what I need to do? — Not a Capricorn
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artsygirl May 30, 2013, 9:08 am
So he is a jealous, mean spirited, cheat who treats you horribly. Why are you taking time to write? I say move out and move on!
csp May 30, 2013, 9:16 am
don’t forget that they aren’t having sex and he has no money.
Scooze May 30, 2013, 9:32 am
Yeah. Does he have a single good quality, besides showing hhe cares through possessiveness and jealousy? What does the LW get out of this relationship? It really is okay to be single.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 9:40 am
He says losing her would be his biggest loss ever. Honestly, I feel like for some people, hearing that is enough. I don’t know why, but it seems to be true. Like they get to know someone wants them and they are important to someone, regardless of who or if they are actually good people.
bagge72 May 30, 2013, 10:17 am
That and she would have to face him everyday after she dumps him since they work together, I’m sure she is afraid of that.
Scooze May 30, 2013, 10:54 am
Yeah, they have no self-esteem and need someone else to validate them. Very sad.
iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2013, 11:08 am
I also think some people (fine me) have a really hard time hurting people. Like if someone likes me and I don’t feel the same I can’t turn them down. It’s weird (and annoying). That’s why I always ghost people, I literally can’t deal with the emotional toll knowing I made someone sad causes me.
So maybe we can just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume he has some really awesome redeeming qualities we just don’t know about (like a huge wang).
cdobbs May 30, 2013, 9:09 am
you absolutely need to talk to him….i think most relationships this happens….early on all relationships are great….but no one can keep up the way the are early on in relationships….he also may have depression due to his health and financial situation…which can manifest in anger and lashing out at others….it sounds like he also has trust issues and given his “cheating”? in the past with his ex its obvious that there are some issues in this relationship…maybe he should talk to his family doctor regarding his health and possible depression? that might be the first step towards fixing your relationship problems
kerrycontrary May 30, 2013, 9:13 am
I don’t think that this sort of behavior happens in most relationships. Yes, the honeymoon period is over between 6-18 months into a relationship, but healthy long-term relationships are not fraught with this sort of drama and suspicion.
bethany May 30, 2013, 9:25 am
I disagree. What about this relationship is worth saving? I really don’t see anything in her letter that indicates that this has ever been a happy healthy relationship.
oldie May 30, 2013, 10:06 am
I’m with Bethany. I don’t understand why some posters think every relationship should be saved. This one seems to have zero redeeming qualities. The guy is sick, broke because he splurged on an expensive truck he can’t afford, jealous, cheating, verbally and emotionally abusive, and not even interested in sex. All he seems to have going for him is that he whines about how much he needs the LW. 4-1/2 years with a year living together is too much time devoted to trying to make this guy into a suitable partner. There is a reason he is twice divorced and still cheating. His jealousy is projection. He assumes everyone else behaves as badly as he does. LW: the best thing you can do for yourself is to admit this relationship is over, move out, and move on with your life. Counseling is for salvaging relationships which have value, but are troubled. Your relationship is just bad.
oldie May 30, 2013, 10:07 am
P.S. — trying to understand or excuse your boyfriend’s behavior through astrology is just stupid.
Scooze May 30, 2013, 10:56 am
Counseling for her self-steem issues might be helpful though…
Blitzen May 30, 2013, 10:59 am
This. My ex was a compulsive cheater. And also pathologically insecure and suspicious. Definitely a projection. I always thought it was ironic that he continued to suspect me when he was the one continuing to jeopardize the relationship.
TECH May 30, 2013, 9:09 am
LW — First of all, what is YOUR sign? LOL
Any ways, the bottom line is you just aren’t happy, and you have a lot of reasons to be unhappy. You say deep down you know you should not have moved in with him. I mean, he’s even stopped telling you that he loves you! This is a big problem. One thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really matter what your *reasons* are for breaking up with someone. I think sometimes when a good person with a conscience initiates a breakup, they feel like they need to have really good reasons that justify their decision. Bottom line, you’re unhappy. You should be the one to break things off.
It doesn’t matter if he’s a moody Capricorn. It doesn’t matter if he’s waiting for you to break it off. Stop thinking about what’s going on in his head and start thinking about what’s going on in your head. From the sounds of your letter, you know this relationship needs to end. I think you will be strong enough to make the right choice.
iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2013, 9:11 am
Clearly the problem is you go out of town too much.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 9:20 am
For some reason, I don’t think the LW is going to read your sarcasm.
ktfran May 30, 2013, 12:19 pm
I almost busted out laughing. Thanks for that.
kerrycontrary May 30, 2013, 9:11 am
Break up with him and move out. He sounds like a hot mess.
ChemE May 30, 2013, 9:11 am
You lost me.
MackenzieLee May 30, 2013, 10:04 am
I can’t believe anyone got past the first line…
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 9:17 am
On the bright side, there’s no children or anything involved here…so, LW, you can basically leave this relationship without looking back. That’s good news.
This doesn’t seem worth saving at all—it sounds like less of a long-term relationship lull, & more of a…terrible situation. He’s unreasonably jealous, uncommunicative, and rude. And there doesn’t seem to be any love left. Just stop wondering what’s wrong & end it. Also, um. I think astrology is fun sometimes & all, but maybe don’t attribute people’s personality flaws to their sun signs anymore.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 9:24 am
Fab, I blame ALL of my bad characteristics on my sun sign. That way, nothing is ever really my fault. Its pretty genius. Also, irish temper. Oh, did I just throw a lamp at you? Sorry, damn irish temper acting up again.
honeybeenicki May 30, 2013, 9:35 am
I do the same thing. I’m controlling because I’m a leo and I’ve got a temper because I’m Irish. I can’t help it!
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 10:24 am
I’m Irish and Spanish. And a Scorpio. Twice. (Sun and Moon.) Please remove all breakable objects from my reach.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 10:25 am
Oh God! You shouldn’t even be allowed near a computer Kate!
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 10:32 am
I probably shouldn’t be allowed anywhere. It’s okay as long as I’m always right. 🙂
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 10:35 am
Oh, and my Chinese sign is the Fire Horse, the worst of the lot. Just stay out of my way, everybody, okay?
Nookie May 30, 2013, 10:48 am
I honestly thought that was ‘Fire Hose’. Please don’t throw things at me.
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 11:15 am
I will find you…
csp May 30, 2013, 9:18 am
LW, is this drama worth it? Is this constant guessing what he is thinking better than being alone? It sounds like a sinking ship.
bethany May 30, 2013, 9:22 am
I can’t even read this. I’m sorry. MOA. you guys sound like a perfect match is drama is what you’re after.
Sunshine Brite May 30, 2013, 9:25 am
I feel like a ton of women wouldn’t forgive and forget sexting an ex the second they step out of town. There’s way too much drama here. I don’t get why you screamed at him on the phone or why you think “mushy” texts include jealous barbs while I think of cheesy attempts at romance. Just let this relationship end and find someone you’re compatible with who treats you well. Take some time to develop your OWN insight so this doesn’t happen again.
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 9:36 am
yeah, that part confused me. “Most women would forgive and forget”? Prrrobably not, actually?
Liquid Luck May 30, 2013, 10:28 am
Yeah, I’m with you on that. Forgive, maybe, maybe not. Forget, hell no.
Sunshine Brite May 30, 2013, 10:51 am
It’d be one hell of a fight if Wyatt tried to pull that business.
mainer May 30, 2013, 9:26 am
Oh for fucksake, stop rationalizing behavior with astrological signs. It’s like no one can just be an asshole anymore, it has to be the symptom of some uncontrollable alignment of the stars or something.
Look, he’s been through two marriages, you think he’s cheating, he thinks you’re cheating, you’re analyzing his spending habits to try and decipher if your relationship is healthy or not, and you both have some anger issues. The particular month you or he was born has jack shit to do with this whole situation. Pack your shit, go get a pedicure or something, buy some new shoes, and move on. Or, wait. What’s your Chinese animal? That could change a thing or two…
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:30 am
I have this block in my brain that prevents me from taking seriously anyone who actually believes in astrology signs, even if just half-heartedly, or even those who simply casually refer to astrology signs, like they are a real thing, or like the signs could/maybe/possibly explain someone’s behavior… No way man. Know what I mean? Or am I in the minority here?
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:34 am
Ok, fine, I’ll go read the darn letter know. The Capricorn comment is making it really hard.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:37 am
No, I can’t. I skimmed and noted: “Capricorn” is mentioned 4 times, plus someone who can’t afford it bought a $40,000 truck? I feel like there should be a rule where we can MOA with these facts. Maybe I’m being too judgmental. “Maybe”. I’m having a moddy morning. Which is probably because my sign is *close* to the Capricorn, aha!
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 9:43 am
I’m with you on the truck! I know we’ve all made purchases we probably shouldn’t have in life, but not a $40,000 purchase. That says a LOT about you, imo. A lot more than just you’re an idiot for buying a very expensive thing you can’t afford.
Matcha May 30, 2013, 12:56 pm
I’m going to say she probably didn’t read up on her star signs. As a Capricorn, I feel like typical characteristics are always “practical, reliable, responsible and boring!” Your ‘typical’ Capricorn would never buy a car they couldn’t afford. … So embarrassed I still recall this information! As a kid, I was so upset I wasn’t something like a lion. What’s cool about a goat?
artsygirl May 30, 2013, 1:43 pm
I always thought my sign (Cancer) would mean I was a bad-ass (after all no one wants to be on the wrong side of pincers)…but sadly no. Of course since my sister is born the same month as me a year later and our personalities are TOTALLY opposite, I threw out the zodiac back in middle school.
MsMisery May 31, 2013, 11:56 am
Matcha, you’re a MER-goat. Not just a regular goat.
Scooze May 30, 2013, 9:36 am
If everyone else believed in it, there’d be an “astrology” defense – like the insanity defense and justifiable homicide.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:44 am
“But your Honor, I’m a Sagitarius! And thd defense rests.” <– I like it.
Britney Spears and I share the same sign, Sagitarius, which is fitting because we're both… I can't think of one similarity. Except I just read a description of my sign and maybe there *is* some truth to it: "Being one of the luckiest signs, fortune seems to favor you, whether you plan things or not. That’s also the reason you don’t mind taking the odd risk or two. You feel as if you can’t possibly lose. This almost cocky attitude is something that attracts people to you." <— that's me!
Liquid Luck May 30, 2013, 10:31 am
That would be an awesome defense for me, since as a Gemini I can always blame the other twin for it! Perfect.
bethany May 30, 2013, 10:38 am
I’m a Gemini, too. That’s what I blame my mean, drunk alter-ego on 🙂
Nookie May 30, 2013, 10:51 am
Wow, you’ve read a flattering and purposely vague possible description of yourself and now you think it’s you? WOWZERS. (sarcasm) That is the point of astrology, small things that could be applied to anyone that are written in a way to encourage narcissism.
But in saying that, I’m a total Leo.
mainer May 30, 2013, 9:36 am
Are you sure that block in your brain telling you to not take them seriously is not just “women’s intuition”? Cause that’s a thing.
TECH May 30, 2013, 9:40 am
It’s funny, I find most people fit their astrological signs fairly well — but you can’t make major life decisions based on them. I used to have a friend that could not stand Sagitarrius’s. She’d say things like, “Oh, I can’t believe you’re friends with Sarah, she’s a Sag!”
The way she said it sounded like “Sag” was an STD or something.
kerrycontrary May 30, 2013, 9:47 am
I really fit in with my sign (Cancer). I have trouble dating Aries but I wouldn’t break up with someone because they are an Aries.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:51 am
you people are killing me!
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 9:56 am
I’m an Aries, but most things I read about it never fit me. (My boyfriend is also an Aries; I like to tell him we are doomed because of that, sometimes.)
But my rising sign is Scorpio & my moon sign is Virgo, so maybe that balances out the “bolder” characteristics of Aries? (They always mentioned the word “bold” in Aries horoscopes, aghhh)
(Also, don’t make fun of me, AP! I went through both an Astrology phase, AND a Ouija board phase in middle school, so I still remember these things ;))
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:59 am
It’s too late. I rolled my eyeballs. I kind of strained them I rolled them so hard, know what I mean? Haha.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 10:44 am
I’m an Aries too! If they are described as incredibly attractive, smart and charming, then I’m pretty sure it describes us perfectly.
bagge72 May 30, 2013, 12:09 pm
Handsome as hell Aries checking in here!
mandalee May 30, 2013, 10:51 am
Ahh I am a Cancer too and I had two awful boyfriends and both were Aries. I definitely don’t hold it against anyone because it’s an astrological sign after all, but I admit that when my husband told me his birthday when we first met, I was relieved it was in December lol
kerrycontrary May 30, 2013, 11:07 am
I think mine in particular just had the cocky/stubborn streak really bad. I’m with a Virgo now and we’re a really good match.
mandalee May 30, 2013, 11:42 am
Yeah, mine were just obsessed with themselves and the most infuriating people to argue with. However, my best friend is an Aries, so I know they’re not all bad lol
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 11:50 am
Cocky, stubborn and infuriating to argue with? That doesn’t sound like me at all. Oof.
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 12:05 pm
yeah, oops, I have to say this actually does sound like me (if you’re one of my close loved ones, anyway. I’m not like this at random people.) My boyfriend is similar in an arguments, as well (TWO RAMS BUTTING HEADS OMG THE ASTROLOGISTS ARE RIGHT)
bagge72 May 30, 2013, 12:12 pm
Ugh, I love to argue until somebody is so mad they walk away! Well at least with people I’m really close with or internet strangers! But I always try to do my homemwork first with the internet strangers.
MissDre May 30, 2013, 11:35 am
I’m a Cancer too and I always find that every description I’ve read of my sign fits me exactly. Its actually sort of scary how accurate it is. But then again, I’ve never used astrology to make a judgement on anybody or anything, and I’ve never used it as an excuse as to why I am the way I am.
Slamy May 30, 2013, 1:00 pm
This is funny because I am a Sagittarius – I dated an Aries and we got along well. My Cancer boyfriend was kind of terrible. So was my Scorpio boyfriend. The one I got along with the best was my Leo.
Judge me!!! My mother is really, really into this stuff so I was raised to believe in it, kind of how some people’s mothers force God down their throats. We never went to church, we went to psychic fairs.
Slamy May 30, 2013, 1:09 pm
Have to add that I do not read my horoscope and haven’t in years.
MsMisery May 31, 2013, 11:58 am
I’m a Scorpio, and sometimes I judge people based on their signs. Oh but since I am a Scorpio, I am judging the shit out of them anyway.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 9:48 am
Yea, no, see that friend would cause me concern. Even though I’m sure she’s splendid! Besides, everybody loves a good Sag. 😉
honeybeenicki May 30, 2013, 10:38 am
I fit mine (Leo) really well too. But I don’t read my horoscope and then base my entire day/life/decision on it.
Lindsay May 30, 2013, 11:51 am
I think all LWs need to identify their sign and their partner’s sign from now on. It’ll help us give better advice. 😉
sophronisba May 30, 2013, 9:46 am
I like to think of astrology as additional information that can help identify patterns. I’ve had three Aquarius boyfriends – so much fun and a great mental connection but the bedding was ghastly with all three. So now I don’t date Aquarii.. just as good a criteria for sifting the wheat from the chaff as any other, IMO
MackenzieLee May 30, 2013, 10:05 am
I’m with you AP. I saw the word capricorn and stopped. I
othy May 30, 2013, 10:12 am
As a Libra, I’m quite rational and have a hard time taking astrology signs seriously.
Lily in NYC May 30, 2013, 10:13 am
You are not alone. I had to force myself to read it after seeing the word Capricorn. I’m surprised LW doens’t go to a psychic or tarot card reader to get advice.
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 10:25 am
My one friend does that. I had a conversation with her once about how she went to a psychic, & I was kinda laughing along like, “Ooh, how fun!” “…and she told you what?? ahaha” but halfway through, I realized she was actually taking everything as serious life advice? She was saying things like, “And she told me the guy’s name started with M & I’d meet him this summer, do you think maybe it’s Mike? even though I met him already, maybe she just meant things would get serious this summer?” WHAT
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 10:30 am
That’s really sad. This will sound funny coming from me, but I feel like some people are the same way with regard to religion. They just need someone/something to tell them how their life will be and it gives them some comfort. Maybe its not sad after all, if its helping.
bethany May 30, 2013, 11:33 am
I took my cat to a psychic once.
In my defense, it was a free 10 minute session at the pet store…
Lily in NYC May 30, 2013, 12:40 pm
What??? That is hilarious. What did the psychic say about your cat?
Friend of Beagles May 30, 2013, 1:02 pm
So don’t keep us in suspense: What did the psychic, I mean, your cat, say?
bethany May 30, 2013, 2:24 pm
Well, at the time I thought it was profound stuff, but looking back it was pretty standard stuff. She said he loves me a lot (duh), that he’s kind of scared of his brother (duh. I mentioned that I have a 22lb cat, of course he’s going to be a little scared of him!), and that he really missed his fleece blanket (isn’t it like a rule that people with pets have at least 1 fleece blanket?)
But anyway, it was fun, and it was free, so whatever.
Copa May 30, 2013, 11:45 am
I’ve secretly always wanted to go to a psychic just for fun, just cause I’m curious, not cause I’d take it seriously.
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 12:03 pm
I actually did go with this girl a couple times, she had a habit of taking it way too seriously whereas I just thought it was cool to see how the psychic assessed me (because, really, all they’re doing is making character assessments?) When we had this conversation, it was a couple years later, & she was kinda even more off the deep end about it.
Sometimes they do say crazy shit though! Like the one who shook her head sadly & said “let him go” in reference to a guy was dating (whose name started with a letter that it really did start with)
bethany May 30, 2013, 2:26 pm
I went to a palm reader years ago (just for fun, not taking it seriously at all) and she was SPOT ON about very specific, not everyday stuff that happened like 2 weeks later.
iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2013, 4:22 pm
Dish! What was it?
Boosker June 1, 2013, 5:47 pm
Psychics, horoscopes, astrological signs, all seem pretty ridiculous to me. But I will say that in the sixth grade, I called one of those physic hotlines and the guy said I’d marry a man named Paul. At the time I thought it was ridiculous because I was 12 and the only Paul I knew was this weird kid a grade behind me who had a lot of saliva. I also got in a ton of trouble because only the first five minutes were free and I had no sense of time back them. HOWEVER…17 years later, Paul and I have been married for almost four years now. (A different, less spitty Paul).
rachel May 30, 2013, 10:23 am
AP, I’m with you! I wonder if she was expecting us to read it with astrology in mind. Like, oh, you just have to talk to him when the moon is waning over Jupiter, and then he won’t be jealous…or something. *sigh*
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 10:27 am
My horoscope says I should ignore people like you.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 12:31 pm
Yet another reason why horoscopes should be ignored!
HmC May 30, 2013, 10:54 am
That “block” in your brain is logic. Astrology is stupid, and it’s flabbergasting how many otherwise sane-seeming people believe in it. Like, every woman I know. It’s amazing, truly.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 12:32 pm
Yes, that’s definitely it, logic!
Diablo May 30, 2013, 12:32 pm
So, according to conventional western astrology, I’m a Taurus, the bull. But in the Chinese zodiac, I’m a horse. I had high hopes that this would contribute significantly to my male endowment. Damn!
Meanwhile, my wife is a Libra and a Tiger. Apparently, according to the relevant placemat in the Chinese restaurant we like, horses and tigers are romantically compatible, which is a relief, because would you guess they were? However, it doesn’t seem to help me during the act to think, “I’m a horse banging a tiger, i’m a horse banging a tiger.” So, from a practical point of view, i don’t think astrology works.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 12:35 pm
Really? I feel like you would feel powerful knowing you’re just a dumb horse banging a big, scary tiger.
Diablo May 30, 2013, 12:39 pm
I’m a SMART horse, the kind that can count by clopping his front hoof and stuff! And I’m a thoroughbred – I always cross the finish line before her! Then i shout, “LOSER!”
PS – Nobody let M read this, or I’ll never get laid again.
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 12:41 pm
Omg, I kinda want to be the one who finishes first just so I can shout loser!
Diablo May 30, 2013, 12:46 pm
Make sure you make the “L” sign on your forehead when you do it.
John Farrier May 30, 2013, 4:03 pm
Astrology can be helpful, in a way. When a dating partner mentions it in a favorable light, it’s a signal that the person is a fool. That’s important information.
Addie Pray May 30, 2013, 4:23 pm
LK7889 May 30, 2013, 5:16 pm
I absolutely love your choice of avatar. Quark and DS9 FTW!
Alena May 30, 2013, 9:30 am
In your second paragraph you mention that you were screaming at him. Were you screaming at him because you hadn’t talked for two days? For calling you while you were away? Because you had to work the next morning? Did his texts happen before the phone call? Also, what kind of “mushy” texts are accusatory and mean?
I’d like to point out that your assertion that jealousy is an issue because he’s been divorced twice and you’re a widow makes very little sense. I’m going to make the crazy assumption that his divorces ended because of his spouses cheating, because that might shed a little more light on the issue. Truth is, not everyone who has been cheated on gets wildly jealous. I know plenty of people who have been cheated on, found out about about it, and then moved on to happy, trusting relationships with future partners. The fact that you’re a widow seems to not add anything to your assertion, unless he thinks you’re still so obsessed with your deceased husband and somehow respecting/loving those who have passed on is against the rules of relationships.
I don’t think the fact that he’s a capricorn has much of anything to do with this situation. I think that it’s your way of finding an explanation that’s easier to digest than the blunt truth. Telling yourself that “Oh, he’s a capricorn, they can be moody,” might be easier than “He just went out and blew $40,000 on a truck he can’t afford, AND he regularly withdraws $400 a week from the ATM. He has a serious money management/spending issue. Also, he’s being mean and uncaring to me.”
Maybe the breathing difficulties are making him cranky. Maybe those difficulties are another superfluous detail you’re adding in hopes that there will be a magic explanation for why things aren’t like they used to be, so it can go back to how you would like it to be.
I do think it sounds like you’re spending a lot of time guessing at what is going on in his head, but you haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about what you’re feeling. Look at the bare basics. Don’t ignore things here and there because they might be “because he’s a capricorn” or because of his breathing difficulties. Take note that you don’t have sex, he doesn’t tell you he loves you, he accuses you of cheating, he’s constantly suspicious of your activities, etc. Also take note of the good things about him. Then you could just move on, if that’s what you want to do, or you could talk to him. If he needs to change things in order for you to stay, don’t just let him plead with you and promise that “things will be better!” Make sure he tells you what he will do to change those things, and hold him to the things he says.
Copa May 30, 2013, 9:31 am
I stopped reading at “Most women would forgive and forget”.
MackenzieLee May 30, 2013, 10:23 am
I hate when anyone tries to make themselves “better” by putting down the rest of woman
HmC May 30, 2013, 2:58 pm
I hate when being overly forgiving is confused with strength.
sophronisba May 30, 2013, 9:31 am
Listen to TECH and pay attention to what is in your head and what is right for you instead of reacting to his moodiness, trying to interpret his words-and-actions-that-don’t-match, testing his emotional state by asking leading questions (do you want me to move out?), etc. It’s not if you fit with his life, it’s if he fits with yours and I don’t see anything in this letter to indicate he is a marvelous fit or is bringing a whole lot of positives to counteract all the negatives you’ve detailed for us. Don’t let habit and inertia slow you down – get moving.
Emily May 30, 2013, 9:40 am
It sounds like she already knows what to do! Peace out, woman! You are unhappy and miserable in this relationship. MOA!
parton_doll May 30, 2013, 10:02 am
Go. Just go.
painted_lady May 30, 2013, 10:03 am
Um. Leave. Whether he’s cheating but doesn’t want to lose you or just treats you like shit because he’s an insecure jerk, you should get the hell out. Whether he’s got bad heath and is depressed and therefore an asshole, or he’s an asshole because he’s a Capricorn, you are dating an asshole and should leave. If he’s being this way because he’s over it and wants you to dump him, that’s a big glaring neon sign that you should GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. Also, if you are screaming at someone you supposedly love, you should be dumped.
You can make every excuse in the world, LW, but no matter why your relationship is shitty, you’re screaming at your partner, and your partner is acting like an asshole, this relationship is a terrible idea and both of you should be single until you can treat your SO like a decent human being.
Lily in NYC May 30, 2013, 10:09 am
Oh my god, are you serious with this Capricorn crap? No. Just no. He sounds like a dick, you sound immature. Move out. Who cares if he’s being manipulative and trying to get you to dump him? He’s an ass and you shouldn’t be with him and it’s obvious you bring out the worst in each other. And stop reading the astrology column in the newspaper. Astrology is as “real” as that Long Island Medium who pretends she talks to dead people.
Stephanie May 30, 2013, 10:16 am
This letter reads like “50 Shades of Grey, the Dear Wendy Edition”. MFOA-Move the fuck on already!
Diablo May 30, 2013, 5:31 pm
Who else thinks there should be a forum called “50 Shades of Grey, the Dear Wendy Edition”? I’ll start. The lady lay with her left leg along the edge of the swivel table, her left hand manacled, the right free and waiting. The man in the leather mask held the neck of the stuffed goose absolutely rigid and…
Who’s up? Anybody? Bueller?
Stephanie May 30, 2013, 10:17 am
Don’t forget your rucksack and hair ties.
Grilledcheesecalliope May 30, 2013, 10:20 am
I didn’t know Capricorns are moody. Also a Capricorn would never impulse buy a car they couldn’t afford. He’s lying about his sign. Dump him.
Fabelle May 30, 2013, 10:28 am
I laughed out loud at this, haa
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 10:30 am
Capricorn or not, this guy is a loser. Dump him immediately and get on with your life. Who needs this kind of drama? So says a Scorpio.
Nookie May 30, 2013, 10:35 am
I haven’t read the comments but jeez, c’mon already. Move out and move on, it sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
Liquid Luck May 30, 2013, 10:42 am
I’ll make this very easy for you: this guy DOESN’T LOVE YOU. I know, I know, but he says he does! Except it seems he’s stopped even saying that. He says you’re the only one for him! Except for, you know, the ex-wife he was sexting and the other women he hooks up with while you’re away (clever of him to accuse you of cheating though, that always works!). You have such a great relationship! Except for the fact that you don’t have sex, are constantly fighting, and he’s completely paranoid every time you so much as glance at your phone.
Seriously, get out, and get some therapy. No woman with self-esteem would allow herself to be treated this way for almost half a decade. Dump the guy, spend some time being single and figuring out what you want, and then work to make yourself someone worthy of having a committed, trusting, and respectful partner.
Lynn May 30, 2013, 10:52 am
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him. And if I were a guy, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with you either. You screamed at him on the phone? Um, why? Just MOA.
On a side note… do any of y’all notice any correlations to your personality and your sign? Because I am a stereotypical Leo for sure. And a lot of my friends are just like their signs too. I don’t necessarily believe in that stuff, but I do find it interesting/fun to read about especially since I very much am like my sign… in both the good and bad ways. Hahaha uhhh.
Kate B. May 30, 2013, 11:18 am
I do. Look up Scorpio in any astrology book. That’s me.
MissDre May 30, 2013, 11:45 am
Yes, I mentioned above that I’m a Cancer and any time I read any description of my sign, it fits me exactly. My boyfriend is a Leo and he says the same thing about his sign description. I definitely believe that there’s some sort of truth to these things. But at the same time, nothing is set in stone, nothing applies to everyone, and I would never make a decision or any kind of judgement based on astrology. That’s definitely taking it too far. I’d also never use my sign description as any kind of “excuse” for negative traits or bad behaviour. It doesn’t matter what your sign is, if there’s something about yourself that you need to change or improve, you have the power to do it.
KKZ May 30, 2013, 2:00 pm
I fit pretty decently into the Sagittarius shoebox. My mom is a textbook Virgo, obsessive-compulsive anal perfectionist. My brother exhibits many of the Libra characteristics – as a child, he was always very concerned with things being fair. My dad is a Libra too but I have never really noticed him being particularly Libran.
Husband is a Taurus and something I read about Taurans once said they are just fine and dandy until someone jumps over their fence, and then they charge – that is my husband for sure. His father is a Gemini and has the “two-faced” thing down pat, his mom is a Libra and is a peackeeper, often at her own expense.
I think astrology is an entertaining diversion but I certainly wouldn’t base any life decisions on it.
Sue Jones May 30, 2013, 10:58 am
Whatever he is or is not doing, the truth is that you are not happy with him. MOA.
Mel May 30, 2013, 11:10 am
Run away…astrological signs have nothing to do with anything here. He’s just a grade A jerk and you shouldn’t waste any more time on him. Unless of course you enjoy having constant drama and being involved with someone who doesn’t trust you to buy a stick of gum without meeting another guy and cheating. In that case, go right ahead and stay where you are 🙂
Bittergaymark May 30, 2013, 11:12 am
Considering how awful he thoroughly sounds — and the fact that you are a DW LW — I remain simply amazed you don’t have kids already with him… But by all means, YES! His biggest problem is that he’s a Capricorn. If only he was, I dunno… A Libra?
Liquid Luck May 30, 2013, 11:29 am
Sorry, the correct answer is Taurus, although a Cancer would also be acceptable. A Libra is only one step above Capricorn.
othy May 30, 2013, 1:37 pm
Hey, don’t insult us Libras. We have enough issues with insecurity on our own.
Lindsay May 30, 2013, 2:17 pm
Woo hoo! Go Cancers!
Older and (hopefully) wiser May 30, 2013, 11:19 am
So everything’s going great for 3 and a half years and then, when you move in together, it all starts falling apart. First, he starts sexting his ex, then he becomes paranoid about your fidelity.Something changed. I’m thinking commitment freak out. Think about it. As soon as you take your relationship to the next level, he cheats on you. And then pushes you away. I think he owes you a serious discussion about his real feelings.
Amanda May 30, 2013, 11:44 am
Lindsay May 30, 2013, 11:46 am
It doesn’t take intuition to figure out that your relationship has crashed and burned. It’s odd to me that you could list THAT MANY things wrong with your relationship and your boyfriend and still be asking what you should do. You imply that if his awful behavior is caused by money or health, that it’s OK, as long as it’s not another woman. But it’s not. You’re obviously not happy. He’s jealous, he sexts other women, he ignores you when you go out of town, he is doing something shady with his money and he’s mean. Move on.
Lindsay May 30, 2013, 11:49 am
Also, just because when you ask if you should move out and he says no, it doesn’t mean that he actually wants to be with you. His actions are much clearer than what he’s saying.
j2 May 30, 2013, 1:18 pm
Is today Friday?
LK7889 May 30, 2013, 5:20 pm
Here’s a shortcut for you: “Dear Wendy, I married a Libra but I’m a Cancer. Should I MOA?”
AKchic_ May 30, 2013, 12:38 pm
Hold up. Being a Capricorn has NOTHING to do with this guy’s issues. How do I know? I’ve married two of them. Husband #2 is a 1/5 birthday and husband #3 is a 1/1 birthday (as is kid #3). I know quite a bit about supposed Capricorn behaviors.
The stars have not aligned to create an ultimate dick. No, this is 100% your guy, not fate or the will of the Gods.
His $400/week walk-around-money? Where does that money go? That is $1600/month. What the fuck is he spending it on? My 2nd husband used to want “walk-around money” too. $100/paycheck, which wasn’t as bad. Said it was for lunches and incidentals. Except, I packed his lunches to save money. He came from a family that liked to have money on hand “for emergencies”, but never learned how to actually manage their money properly. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t learned to manage his money, but that is his own problem, and not mine anymore.
Husband 3, while moody at times, has a legitimate reason. He has depression and PTSD.
My son? Of course he gets moody – he needs a nap. Or food. Or didn’t get his way. He’s a frickin’ kid. Does he need money? No. Does he overspend? No.
Is your guy being shady? Yes. Is he being dishonest? Straight up, outright, unequivicobly, yes.
Should you leave? That is a gray area. From the backstory, I would assume that you are in your late 30s to mid 40s at the least. If you have invested time and really WANT to stay together, give an ultimatum. Couples counseling, complete honesty (including financial) and financial counseling for him for the next 6-9 months to start. See where it goes. Re-evaluate as needed. If he balks, walk. If he is willing to jump through any hoops to keep you, see where it goes. Make sure one of the stipulations is that he adheres to therapeutic recommendations.
He could have a gambling problem you don’t know about, or even a substance abuse problem. These things tend to go hand-in-hand with mental health issues (such as depression or bipolar disorder).
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 12:40 pm
I <3 walk around money.
Bittergaymark May 30, 2013, 2:49 pm
Do many women REALLY feel the need to so police walkaround money? Honestly? Thank God I won’t ever have to deal with that… Whew.
KKZ May 30, 2013, 2:57 pm
Only if we feel it’s being used unwisely and possibly to the detriment of the “unit” (couple, family, household, etc.). For example, if we’re saving up to move to a better house and making cutbacks in other areas to help save, but one partner is still expecting a large chunk of walkaround money, that’s worth questioning.
Needless to say, not a female-specific issue, I’ve known plenty of men who police their partners’ personal spending too. Don’t count on never having to be financially accountable to another person just because you don’t associate with women.
Lindsay May 30, 2013, 3:03 pm
I’m just going to take that as a compliment on women’s ability to understand budgets and not waste all their money on random shit. Thanks!
lets_be_honest May 30, 2013, 3:19 pm
If you can’t afford “walk around” money, and you are an idiot who will spend it anyway, thereby fucking up your family’s finances and ability to pay bills, it should be “policed.” Set a budget, give each partner the walk around money the family can afford to waste. I thought this was common sense. I’m surprised you would suggest people who are irresponsible with money should be given more with free reign to waste it.
AKchic_ May 30, 2013, 5:22 pm
Personally, I think BGM is a mysogynist with a thinly veiled contempt for anyone who engages in heterosexual relationships because it is considered the societal norm and therefore gets an automatic societal pass, whereas his doesn’t and he gets to play the victim, but if he doesn’t throw a spanner into the works once in a while and raise a fuss, nobody will pay attention to him like he wants them to.
Even though he knows that this website’s group is without a doubt, for marriage equality and feels that it doesn’t matter WHO an individual loves, so long as they are two (or more) consenting adults and an individual’s identity is their own thing to figure out, not society and not the government.
I’m going to get off my soap-box here because I know I could fill a few chapters on this tangent.
AKchic_ May 30, 2013, 3:05 pm
I don’t think it’s so much the fact that he wants the money to have in his pocket, but the fact that he’s burning so much that he wants to return his vehicle because he doesn’t feel he can afford it, when he has someone who lives with him (and presumably helps pay bills). If he can afford to take that much money out and obviously SPENDS that much money ($1600/month with no real sense of where it’s going) on top of monthly expenses such as vehicle payment and insurance, fuel, rent/mortgage, utilities, food, clothing, incidentals, health insurance, medical bills/medicines, retirement and savings, etc – it is cause for curiousity at the very least.
Especially on top of his sexting “indiscretion” with the ex-wife, who felt the need to contact the LW to alert her to the issue (for whatever personal reason she had).
The money issue is indicative of a bigger issue.
Red_Lady May 30, 2013, 5:37 pm
Good lord, PLEASE read what you write before you send a letter in! That was so difficult to follow, but it sounds like you have tons of reasons for not liking this guy, so just MOA
Biscuits January 13, 2019, 6:53 am
Capricorn’s are moody cry babies astrology is spot TFO they also likes to play the blame game knowingly they are the one tht the real guilt is on and boy oh boy the manipulative games goes on and on with them Astrology isn’t lying to ppl.
JD January 13, 2019, 3:10 pm
Oh dear lord. Cracking up.
ron January 13, 2019, 1:57 pm
Astrology is phony crap. If you are going to run your life by astrology, you are likely to have a truly shitty life.
Keyblade January 13, 2019, 11:15 pm
Oh you simply haven’t ever had a real chart. Done . May I humbly suggest you supply your time, date, year, and location, and I’ll read your life back to you with more clarity than you had liviving it the first time. I’m thinking of starting a buisness. Lol
anonymousse January 13, 2019, 2:07 pm
Astrology isn’t lying to people.
That might be the funniest sentence I’ve ever read in the comments. (If it had been written in a real sentence.)
Hazel January 13, 2019, 6:42 pm
Don’t run your life by astrology. Augury is much better, that and reading every third fortune cookie. Also tealeaves! tealeaves are great. At least you get a refreshing drink out of it.
JD January 13, 2019, 7:08 pm
Oh what about the tea thing where they read the left over tea pattern. Ya do that for sure.