Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “I Cheated on My Boyfriend But I Didn’t Kiss The Other Guy”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I recently got into a relationship with a guy who is very sweet but who doesn’t do normal boyfriend things. For example, his friends told him in front of my face that I have a big butt and he didn’t do anything. This made me feel uncomfortable, but I have not addressed it yet. Then, last week, I cheated on him with my best guy friend. (I gave him my virginity). I have been friends with him for six years, but he is a player type and I don’t think I have feelings for him. When he has sex with other girls, he uses protection and does not kiss them. When we had sexual intercourse, though, we did not use protection and he attempted to kiss me, but I kept moving and closing my lips. I am honestly confused. Please help. — Lips Closed

Break up with your new boyfriend since neither of you respects the other. (He doesn’t defend you to his jerky friends, and you cheat on him). Then get tested for STDs, and don’t have any more unprotected sex with anyone, especially “player types.”

I have been with my fiancé for two and half years. I broke off the engagement a few months ago after noticing that he was on dating sites. Since then, we went to counseling for a while, but he thought it was a waste of time because, according to him, the counselor wasn’t getting anywhere. He has a tendency to just disappear for days at a time without being heard from. Then he will call or text me and tell me that he needed time to think or that he was angry and needed to cool down. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is bipolar and maybe that is part of the issue, but the more it happens the more I want to withdraw. I feel like this is a relationship that is going nowhere, but yet I have very strong feelings for him. I would like someone else’s advice on the situation. Can you help me out? — Withdrawing

 
You broke up with him for a reason and that reason hasn’t changed. Your boyfriend has untreated issues, including bipolar disorder, that are keeping him from maintaining a functional and successful relationship. Not only that, but he also isn’t interested in committing to one person if he’s on dating sites while engaged to you. Strong feelings are not enough to make a relationship work, especially if your partner isn’t interested in working on the relationship (or himself). MOA.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for three months. He works two jobs, seven days a week. We’ve gone from seeing each other twice a week to seeing each other once a week to, lately, maybe just once every other week. He has never come over to my place, and I have always driven to see him, which is a half-hour drive. He has cancelled on me every time I have asked him to come over. I just found out that he chose to go out with his friends for a recent long weekend instead of being with me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me only. But I never see him, and he knows how very upset I am. He is supposed to move in with me at the end of next month, but now I am thinking twice about that. He says that he never sees his friends or his family because of his work schedule. I can’t handle being lonely, and I told him that. I told him what my mom thought about his never coming to see me and how she thinks he shouldn’t move in. He got mad at her comments and won’t let it go, even though his friends told him the same thing — that he should come to see me. I don’t know what to do. I have strong feelings for him, but should I end it? — Three Months In

 
It’s been THREE months?! And this guy has NEVER been to your home? And you only see him every other week? AND YOU’RE PLANNING TO MOVE IN TOGETHER IN A FEW WEEKS? Dafuq?!? No. Just, no. Back up, slow down, and, for God’s sake, quit relaying messages from YOUR MOTHER or depending on your boyfriend’s friends to defend you, and speak up for yourself, sister. If this guy isn’t giving you the time of day, MOA. If you have to twist a guy’s arm to see you, especially just three months in, then that’s a clear sign this relationship isn’t working. And you sure as shit should not share a home together, good lord.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

33 comments… add one
  • Ika

    Ika October 24, 2014, 8:29 am

    I HATE when people are all meh, sex is NBD. But KISSING? OMG! A kiss is so intimate!!! I blame Pretty Woman.
    Maybe that wasn´t LW1s point, but it was the vibe I got.

    Apart from that, WWSx3

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    • avatar

      Taylor October 24, 2014, 9:41 am

      YES! THIS! Drives me nuts. And kissing is intimate, but no need for a condom? Sigh.

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      • Ika

        Ika October 24, 2014, 9:43 am

        Because it was SPECIAL!!! Not like the other girls he DOES use a condom with.

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      • Raccoon eyes

        Raccoon eyes October 24, 2014, 10:32 am

        So disturbing. There is no other word for it. And cmon, if you are going to screw him and this is your first time EVER HAVING SEX, why not kiss him? Wouldnt you rather remember your 1st time as being special, not that you were obsessed with keeping your MOUTH closed during it? This is neither here nor there for the advice LW1 is seeking, but YEESH.

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      • avatar

        kali October 24, 2014, 2:40 pm

        Assuming he does use condoms with any of them – could just be his schtick.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 24, 2014, 10:21 am

      YES. Pretty Woman, gawd, the worst movie in the history of the world.

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  • avatar

    eelliinnss October 24, 2014, 9:06 am

    Hey, RE: LW3… can we just put up a big banner somewhere that says “If he says he loves you but doesn’t act like it, he doesn’t actually love you” ? I think that would help a lot of girls.

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  • avatar

    Taylor October 24, 2014, 9:44 am

    LW1. Aim higher. Get tested, and start taking birth control/using condoms.
    LW2. Aim higher.
    LW3. Aim higher.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph October 24, 2014, 8:58 am

    I hate it when people say “I gave him my virginity.” Did you like wrap it up with a bow? Is he carrying it around in his pocket now?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy October 24, 2014, 10:00 am

      And, like, what does one do with someone’s virginity once he’s in possession of it?

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      • Ika

        Ika October 24, 2014, 10:05 am

        Can it be regifted? Or is that frowned upon?

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 24, 2014, 10:23 am

        haha, not frowned upon if it’s given in a white elephant exchange or whatever that’s called.

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      • Guy Friday

        Guy Friday October 24, 2014, 10:33 am

        Now THAT is a white elephant party I’d be interested in attending:
        .
        AP: “Hey GF! I got you ___’s virginity!”
        GF: “Oh. Thanks. Well, I mean . . . here’s a sweater.”

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 24, 2014, 10:13 am

        Shows it to his friends, so they all know that he has it.

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      • fast eddie

        fast eddie October 26, 2014, 8:24 am

        I paid to have mine removed but wish I’d have gone with the luxury package, it was over so dam fast. (sigh)

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 24, 2014, 10:22 am

      Hahahaha

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    • avatar

      zombeyonce October 24, 2014, 11:07 am

      The guy I first had sex with was also a virgin at the time, so I like to think that we exchanged virginities and that means that I still have one (his). And since I can’t ever give his virginity away (wouldn’t it be interesting if that were possible), it’s like I’ve always got a virginity in my figurative pocket. Totally not going to hell for premarital sex now, Mom! 🙂

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    • avatar

      Taylor October 24, 2014, 12:10 pm

      I always liked the quote “I didn’t lose my virginity, I know exactly where I left it”.
      =)

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    • possumgirl

      possumgirl October 24, 2014, 1:45 pm

      Monica: What?! I mean, I didn’t work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!

      Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one’s gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you’re not actually gonna have sex with him! You’re just gonna make him think that you are.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph October 24, 2014, 3:41 pm

      I know I went the funny joke way with this, but thinking about it more gets my feminist hackles up. The phrase exists because we treat being a female virgin like it is some sort of prize to be won or flower to be gifted… and that is some gross shit.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 24, 2014, 10:01 am

    LW1: is just another case of somebody who thinks a guy is telling her the truth even though he lies to everyone else. Oh yeah sure I use condoms with all of those other girls, but hey it’s special with us since I’m stealing your virginity, so I’m just going to go without a condom this time. Either way break up with your boyfriend, and have an 8 year on and off relationship with your best friend, and write back then when you want to know why it’s been 8 years and no engagement.

    LW2: Your boyfriend disappears for days, and is on dating sites… I wonder what he could be doing 😉

    LW3: Good decision making process you have going on there. So you have physically seen your “boyfriend” like 10 times, and only at his place, but hey lets move in together that sounds smart, might as well get pregnant too, he will have to see you then!

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  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday October 24, 2014, 10:38 am

    Does anyone else feel a little for the guy in LW3’s letter? I mean, OK, moving in is rushing it, no doubt. But they’ve been seeing each other for 3 months, he’s working 7 days a week, and he’s catching heat for having one weekend with his friends? And now it’s “do we end it?” I mean, it’s been THREE MONTHS. I don’t think it’s out of the ordinary for many couples who have regular 5 day work week jobs to be still figuring out schedule balancing and all that 3 months in, let alone ones where one is working nutty hours. Anyone else feel it’s a bit early to be assuming it can never work out?

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 24, 2014, 10:46 am

      I do. Three months in and she’s already insisting they play house together. Talk about fucking needy and out to lunch about how relationships that actually last truly work. Yikes… But yeah, having just worked 12 days straight, I gotta tell ya. It’s no fucking picnic and I have ZERO interest in being social whatsoever right now.

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      • Ika

        Ika October 24, 2014, 10:54 am

        He didn´t HAVE to go along with it.
        I get the feeling he´s not that into her (otherwise he would make an effort to see her, even if he is that exhausted from work-he is still ok to hang with friends). So why the hell agree to living together???

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      • Nookie

        Nookie October 24, 2014, 11:22 am

        Yeah but… they sound super young this couple. I could be wrong but I made a lot of stupid mistakes in the same manner when I was younger and I’m not bringing up no babies. I think a little slack should be given, I mean most people have to go through this stuff to figure out how to have a mature relationship.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite October 24, 2014, 12:45 pm

      I do! They need to take a step back though, moving in together will fix absolutely nothing.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 24, 2014, 10:44 am

    And the IQs of all three LW’s could potentially set a record low! Even for Shortcuts… Good lord. That people are THIS clueless is just freaking depressing. Too depressing. Damn. I need a drink.

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  • othy

    othy October 24, 2014, 11:12 am

    LW1 – He uses condoms with other girls because they won’t have casual sex without it. You should do that same.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny October 24, 2014, 11:36 am

    Ah, the ‘ol “he doesn’t use condoms with me because he thinks I’m the best. He’s a player but he uses condoms with the other girls.” Awww, so sweet!

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy October 24, 2014, 12:17 pm

    Wow. Just… /sigh

    LW1: Break up with your boyfriend and then.. I dunno. I mean, you sound young so I guess keep making and learning from mistakes (You are doing the second part, right? Please?)
    And please, please use protection. And birth control.

    LW2: Aim higher. Why are you settling for this BS? He’s cheating on you. Stop making excuses for him and move on and find someone who won’t disappear for days on end.
    No, actually, get into therapy and find out *why* you put up with your fiance disappearing for days on end.

    LW3: oh my god, seriously? It hasn’t even been half a year and you’re planning to move in with this person? I mean, I feel for this guy. Working 7 days a week is exhausting, and you don’t sound particularly sympathetic to his schedule. Sounds like he’s probably doing the best he can.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster October 24, 2014, 12:20 pm

    LW1, you just need to have your boyfriend listen to Amy Winehouse’s ‘I Heard Love Is Blind’. It explains everything, so he’ll totally get it and you won’t have to say anything. Just let Amy do the talking!
    .
    Here, listen to it now:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYwU9oZ33RU

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 24, 2014, 1:21 pm

    Oh and LW3: I know what it’s like to work 7days a week, I have been doing it for pretty much 10 years now, and it is exhausting, but there is always time to hang out, you just find time. I actually think it is harder for people who don’t do it all of the time, and all of the sudden they work like 10 days in a row, their bodies aren’t used to it, and they are tired, and just want to hang in, but if this guy has been doing it for a while now, he knows what time he has available, and if you are important enough he will share it with you.

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  • avatar

    d2 October 25, 2014, 10:09 am

    LW1 – This sounds like you are just not ready to be in a relationship – maybe because you are young or maybe because you are inexperienced (or both). Neither of your relationships is going down a healthy path. You shouldn’t be cheating on your boyfriend. You shouldn’t be letting a player use you.
    You should end both relationships. Before you try again, you should know what you want out of a relationship and are prepared to commit to making that relationship work – and make sure your next BF has the same expectations and level of commitment.
    .
    LW2 – This indeed does seem like the relationship is going nowhere. I would trust your instincts on this one. Not all relationships work out just because one person has strong feelings about the other. This seems like one of those cases. Your boyfriend is not giving you much to work with so I would MOA.
    .
    LW3 – Maybe your boyfriend is being shady. Or maybe he is genuinely working so much he doesn’t have time to be as attentive to you as you would like. Either way, the two of you haven’t spent enough time together to actually know whether or not you are a good match for this to be a serious relationship (let alone deciding to move in together).
    It sounds like you are lonely and desperate to have some relationship fill that void. With that kind of desperation clouding your judgment, you will unlikely be able to make good relationship decisions. You need to work on yourself to get to a point that you feel complete as a person before you try to get into another relationship.

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