Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Clueless” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Clueless” who didn’t like that her fiancé had lied to her about going to a strip club twice and worried about whether she’d be able to trust him once they were married. I published her letter in last Tuesday’s column, but she actually wrote and posted it in the forums over 14 months ago (sometimes I comb through the forum archives to find compelling letters to publish on the main page for a wider audience). Here’s her update:

It really felt good to write and get my fears out there when I posted my letter in the forums last year. It was so hard for me to talk about and the comments really hit home and made me take a deeper look at things.

After lots of tears and a long heart-to-heart with my then-fiancé, my fears were eased. I knew in my heart that he went to the strip club more to please his friends and brother than for his own enjoyment. I wanted to be sure he was ready to put our relationship first, and he assured me that he was ready to be a husband first and foremost and I am so happy I believed him!

Our wedding was far from perfect. All the stress affected me physically and the Vegas trip for me was a BUST! I ended up with a UTI that put me in the hospital the night before the wedding. But my fiancé was there with me the entire time while all of our friends and family enjoyed Vegas without us. I ended up being released at midnight and made it to the ceremony the next afternoon. The wedding itself was perfect (with all of its flaws) and in the end I truly felt I made the right choice.

Here we are a little over a year out and our relationship is better than ever. Our first baby is on the way–due in October– and we are building a new home. My husband is 100% ready to be a daddy. He has grown as a person in ways I never thought possible. I have been having such a rough pregnancy and he is so supportive. I cannot imagine my life without him.

Looking at the big picture, our relationship needed those arguments and tears to help it grow. We both are stubborn and had been so independent that adjusting to being a couple was tough. Adjusting to being parents is going to be tough, too. At the end of the day though we are both too stubborn to give up on us. My husband realized what he considered to be a small lie was huge to me, and, since all of his hopes and dreams are built on our life together, no lie is ever worth risking that!

 
Thank you for the update. Congratulations on your wedding and pregnancy and best wishes for an easy transition for you and your husband into parenthood!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

24 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 25, 2013, 2:28 pm

    But wait, I thought the issue was that he LIED to you about it, not whether he went for others v. himself?

    Also wait, you went to Vegas for your honeymoon? I heard they have good strip clubs there… Kidding, kidding, I’m sure no one went to any strip clubs there…

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! I’d be suspicious if your husband suggests Candy or Chastity as names…

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary July 25, 2013, 2:36 pm

    Yay I’m glad everything went well. Why was your wedding so stressful? See everyone says “just go to vegas!” but apparently that can be stressful as well. I know a lot of people who were stressed until right after their rehearsal dinner, but after that everything was fun. Usually other people take care of any details/problems on your actual day.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 25, 2013, 2:48 pm

      I know someone who went to Vegas to get married since it’d be easier. Airline lost her luggage, including her dress, haha.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 25, 2013, 2:37 pm

    Oh yay I was waiting for this update! I love it! Congrats on your marriage and little one on the way!

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  • avatar

    Morgan July 25, 2013, 2:47 pm

    This update does still leave me a little confused…why did it matter why he went to the strip clubs if the issue was the lie, not the strip clubs? Or did more details come out in the original forum post that I missed?

    Anyway, so sorry you were sick for your wedding, but very glad you were able to make the ceremony and enjoy yourself! Congrats on your marriage and baby on the way.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson July 25, 2013, 3:23 pm

      Yeah but I mean it sounds like the problem fixed itself to a certain extent. I would say fewer than 50% of the people that write in ever listen to our advice. They do what they want anyway – and if that happens to be what we recommend then great! And she’s happy now so it’s hard to say it was a mistake. This wasn’t a clear cut situation anyway so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her just choosing to care about it less.

      I can think of a few examples in real life when I gave my friends really good advice to do X, and they did Y, and it worked out in the end anyway. You would never recommend they do Y because the odds of it working out are against them, but they chose to take the risk and VOILA. It’s kind of like getting back together with an ex. No friend in their right mind would recommend you get back together with a guy that cheated on you. But you could do it and he could never cheat on you again. So after the fact it’s easy to say – oh yay! Glad that worked out. But you would never recommend they do it before.

      Sorry if that didn’t make sense. I’m working from home today. Which means happy hour starts early.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 25, 2013, 3:26 pm

        Askhole: people who ask for advice and then do the opposite.

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 25, 2013, 6:04 pm

        Love it.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 25, 2013, 6:05 pm

        And YOU! Where have you been?!

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 26, 2013, 2:37 am

        Being far too much of a lurker! I’ll do better, I promise….

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 25, 2013, 6:28 pm

        ha, i love it too

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      • avatar

        Morgan July 25, 2013, 3:36 pm

        No, that makes sense.

        I also really like how she ended the update, that the relationship needed their working through the issues to help them grow. It doesn’t so much matter what the issues are, but seeing that you can work through them and are compatible in how you handle them is so, so important. This is something I’ve realized recently, watching a relationship (not mine, but someone I’m close to) implode for the third and final time (or at least I hope its final) due to utter incompatibility in how they work through even seemingly minor issues.

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  • Astronomer

    Astronomer July 25, 2013, 4:54 pm

    Hey, now. Let’s be nice and wish this LW the best! It sounds like they worked through it and have a good life together, and that’s all that matters in the end. I can think of half a dozen things off the top of my head that my husband and I have had to work through at the other person’s prompting, and another couple things that we’re still working on. I’m sure (assuming one of use doesn’t die next week or something) we’ll always be working on something or another. I like that we make each other better people and hold each other accountable for our actions. That doesn’t mean things aren’t pretty darn good as is. Now if I could just get him to stop slurping his damn cereal milk…

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  • avatar

    Grilledcheesecalliope July 25, 2013, 5:26 pm

    Damn girl, you’ve been busy. Congrats.

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  • avatar

    TMC813 July 25, 2013, 7:29 pm

    Wowzers 🙁 don’t know if its pregnancy hormones or what, but some of you are being harsh. It’s apparently too easy for you to sit behind a computer screen and tell other people what they should do with their lives. Planning a wedding is stressful. Emotions are high, finances are insanely stressful and committing to forever can be overwhelming. I posted on the forum and was overwhelmed by the judgment and negativity. I couldn’t even handle reading the comments. At that point I stepped away from the computer and thought about the situation and discussed my issues with my fiancé. In the end I made the decision for myself and glad I did. So call me an askhole if you must, but I’m the one living my life and dealing with my decisions and outcomes and I made the right choice. I was looking for support and help and when it became too hard to sort between meanness and actual advice I did my own thing. I’ve been a DW reader for years but this experience has really soured me on this whole concept. Thanks to those who wish me well-it means a lot!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 25, 2013, 7:36 pm

      Hey TMC, I wasn’t calling you that. Iwanna was talking generally about how 50% of people take the advice given and I had just seen that ask hole thing online so posted it. Good luck!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 25, 2013, 7:42 pm

      Come on – “askhole” was pretty funny!!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 25, 2013, 8:05 pm

      FWIW I don’t think anyone was judging you or whatever for not taking advice— it seemed more like a general discussion, the conclusion of which actually reflected positively upon you (like a “look, we always want people to take our advice, but sometimes NOT taking our advice works out fine! It could go either way, as demonstrated by this LW whose life has worked out well.” You know? Sorry if I’m not making sense, I may have had some wine..

      Anyway, I’m glad things have worked out for you & that you & your husband are journeying along together. Good luck in parenthood, & congrats 🙂

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 25, 2013, 10:07 pm

      I thought the responses were all really positive and that “askhole” was a joke. We actually get a lot of letters, I think, where people either acted before they got advice or the problem worked itself out on its own, and to me, the comments generally are as positive as the result is (aka, if someone is happy, then people congratulate them). I’m sorry if you didn’t feel like that was the response here, but it seemed to me that everyone who said it was being genuine.

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