Weekend Open Thread: Embarrassing Bedroom Moments
In about 12 hours, Drew, Jackson and I will be boarding our flight — at an ungodly hour, but the tickets were cheap — to the Dominican Republic for our first family vacation. It’s been a crazy and exhausting and wonderful and exhausting 13 months since Drew and I last took a vacation (not counting a few weekend trips to see family and friends) — I was hospitalized twice with infections, I went into pre-term labor at 27 weeks pregnant, I gave birth successfully to a healthy, full-term, beautiful baby with no drugs (not by choice!), and we’ve spent the last 7 1/2 months learning to be good parents while still being good partners to each other and maintaining some semblance of lives outside our child (not always easy). We couldn’t be more ready and excited to kick back and relax for a few days (well, as much as one can relax with a mobile, curious, mischievous infant at foot)!
Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. Namely, your bedroom (or someone else’s bedroom that you’ve been in). This was a topic suggestion in the forums the other day and I thought it would make a great weekend open thread discussion: what is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the bedroom (feel free to post anonymously if that’s more comfortable)?
P.S. I have some columns lined up for next week while I’m away — pretty amazing ones, if I do say so myself; seriously, great bunch of letters — but posting may still be a little light depending on how much time I feel like devoting to work (not much, I’m guessing. Did I mention that the condo we’re staying in is right on the beach??). There’s always the message board to keep you occupied until I get back…
[image via]
* If you’ve got a suggestion for a future open thread topic, email me at [email protected].
I was a late bloomer. After going on my first date at 21 and having my first kiss at 22 (with someone wildly inappropriate) I still had two big thresholds to cross: having sex for the first time and my first relationship. I decided it would be too intense to do both those things with the same person so I decided to find someone that I trusted but didn’t care about to have sex with first.
I met this guy, a friend of a friend, at a party and later ran into him at a local bar. I thought he was cute, I knew his roommate and he lived in the neighborhood. That night I decided to stick with the “liquor before beer” rule, but made the mistake of following up a vodka martini with a pint of Guinness. After getting drunk enough to initiate footsy under the table, he invited me home with him where we made out for a while. He got up to go to the bathroom and suddenly I didn’t feel so good.
His bedroom actually lead directly to a second floor balcony and a stairway down into the alley below. I remember getting up and desperately fumbling with the lock, which I couldn’t figure out how to operate, before somewhat inevitably beginning to throw up at my feet on his bedroom floor. He came up behind me saying “oh, my god” and let me out where I finished over the edge of the balcony.
I honestly wasn’t sure he was going to let me back in. But amazingly, he was not only cool about it but kept trying to convince me to brush my teeth to keep making out! That total acceptance and excitement to have sex with me was exactly what I needed, and I hooked up with him for about six months before deciding I’d rather be with someone that I had things in common with.
Hey Wendy, How do you think you will handle babysitters on vacations, if at all? I haven’t been comfortable enough to do that yet, unless we have family with us who will volunteer.
Which forum was this, and how did I miss it?
Right?! I love embarrassing sex stories!
First off, Enjoy the trip!
ok, I’ll share one. Back when the SO and I were just FWBs (look at me and all these abbreviations, I’m so hip), we were in the middle of some pretty hot lovin and all of a sudden, he compliments me by saying I have the nicest a-hole he’s even seen. Who the hell says that? Of course, I burst out laughing and we kind of lost the mood. But I get to forever remind him that the first compliment he gave me since we’d become a couple of some sort was that.
That’s amazing.
What if he meant “are” and not “have” – “oh baby, you are the nicest asshole!” Awkward.
For the record, I do not think you are an asshole and I am sure your asshole is very cute. As cute as assholes can be.
In the early months of our relationship, my fiance accidentily threw me off the bed and into a closet door. He was trying to role me over but was a little excited and I ended up on the floor. After we laughed so hard we cried he joined me on the floor for the remaineder of a romp.
This isn’t really a bedroom story because we had just moved into our house and were sleeping on a mattress on the dining room floor, yet we decided it would be the perfect time to “christen” the house. In the middle of it, my fiance farts very loudily, stops, looks at me and we both start laughing. Ah, romance.
I don’t really embarrass easily so nothing comes to mind. If I fart or he bashes my head against the wall, we usually just crack up about it. There have been a few times though that I’ve come home seriously trashed and jumped in bed with my boyfriend, only to have to run to the bathroom to throw up almost immediately after we finished. I’m not sure who this is more embarrassing for, haha.
Happy vacationing Wendy!
I have nothing to add to the topic while using my actual user name =)
Here’s my most embarrassing story: My super hot and sexy neighbor wanted my sex so bad (you know, because my inner sex goddess is so sexy and god-like), that he needed me right then and there in the elevator. He couldn’t wait to have me, so he tore off my dress with his teeth and stuck his member in my sweet spot. And I apparently was so sweet (and hot and sexy and god-like), that he screamed my name so loudly that the whole apartment knew I was having hot and sexy sex in the elevator. I was so good that my neighbor couldn’t contain himself, I guess. (That was me trying to “brag-plain.”)
P.S.. Notice how Wendy usually offers up her own stories before she opens the weekend forum for our comments? Well, notice how she didn’t offer up her embarrassing bedroom stories first? I noticed it too. I’m not falling for this. I’m not sharing. Imma gonna sit back and listen to all of your stories.
I was going to say the same thing. Not about my neighbor screaming my name in ecstasy in an apartment elevator, but about Wendy not sharing a story…
COME ON, Wendy! Let’s hear it! 😉
Seriously, how gullible does she think we are? “We” excluding, of course, Leah, let’s_be_honest etc. who already spilled. Haha.
Yea, exactly. I thought there would be a ton of posts by now. Nope, just a couple about falling off the bed and giggling, and one about my asshole 🙁
That’s why some of us posted anonymously! 😉
Haha…that had me dying laughing on your spoof of 50 Shades of Grey!!
Well one time a condom got stuck and I had to have the bf very carefully and clinically help me get it out.
Wendy you should make up an embarrassing story. And use lots of dumb euphemisms
most of the time, we laugh a lot in the bedroom. the only thing that embarrasses either of is is passing gas either during, or right before. i’m happy to say this has only happened a couple of times in our 6 years together, but i’m always mortified by it. any other time, it’s funny lol
Don’t worry, I’m sure we all have embarrassing sex stories that involve farts (or other body parts that make fart noises).
I farted at church camp once, loudly, during an assembly, when we were all very quietly praying. Everyone heard the fart and started laughing – it was so embarrassing! Only those next to me would have known I was the farter had I not stood up crying and ran off into the arms of my older sister who was a camp counselor. Sofa King Embarrassing.
I was 8. I never went back to that camp. And I became an atheist at 12. And part of me wonders if it was because of that horrible, horrible experience when I farted so damn loud during prayer.
Sorry, no sex story until Wendy spills a story first. But here I’ll gladly share fart stories.
Reading this story at work led me to do the ‘i’m trying to stifle my giggle by clenchin my teeth and the sound that comes out is ungodly’ kinda laugh. It sounded like a teehhechookepshheehaw!
I just guffawed at work too. Thank you. 🙂
Yeah, I just snorted at the office. I spent Friday night flying to New Jersey and Saturday evening/night flying back to Anchorage, so Sunday I was recovering. I’m bummed I missed out. When I get home – I will spill some stories.
I have a pretty good fart story. Last year I was cuddling with my boyfriend after we had watched a movie and I had fallen asleep. In my sleep I apparently let out this HUGE loud fart and didn’t even realize it. He told me about it when I woke up and I didn’t believe him, but apparently it happened. I was beyond embarrassed until he high-fived me. I’m glad we have that kind of relationship. 🙂
I had an awful thing happen to me once… after giving birth you tend to have LOTS of flatulence. The kind that just pops out of nowhere, as it were. And loud.
One day when my eldest was a few days old, my husband and I were arguing about something (those were some tension filled days). I got up to storm off… and out came a long chain of terribly loud farts. SO EMBARASSING!!!! At least with our laughter the fight ended, I guess.
The worst is when I fart in my sleep and it wakes us both up.
I have a story like that too (luckily it’s not directly about me. I do enough comically embarrassing things). My boyfriend and I were laying in bed one night in that time just before sleep when everything is ultra quiet. He dozed of as I lay awake for a few minutes. Out of nowhere (and still very much asleep) he let out a loud, brassy fart. It was so loud, in fact, that seconds after it happened, he snorted and opened his eyes, haven been shocked awake by the sound of his own fart. I immediately lost it and broke down into the sort of laughter that leaves you crying and shaking. Much to his credit, he immediately appreciated the humor once I was able to explain why I was giggling with such glee.
I have been developing the bad habit of telling his friends about, “the time that Ben farted himself awake,” when I’m intoxicated. It’s a bad habit.
I did that once in school! But luckily, that was when the guys in my class thought it was hilarious and cool to fart loudly in class, so the guy in front of me claimed it as his own!
I had a FWB for about a year. Before anyone asks or jumps to conclusions: starting it up was easy, breaking it off was easy, nobody’s feelings developed more or got hurt, it was the perfect situation.
The first time we hooked up, things started out fine.
Until he was helping me take off my shirt, and I elbowed him in the face. Right in the lip! Poor guy even bled a little. I obviously felt horrible. But our laughter helped ease some of the ‘first time’ nerves and I think set the mood for our whole FWB relationship. It was just fun, plain and simple.
Embarrassing when I think about it though, even 3 years later!
When my husband and I were still in the really early “let’s have sex everywhere, all the time” stage, we came home very late celebrating my 21st birthday. I was very, very drunk and insisted we sneak into my parent’s finished basement and have sex because no one could hear us down there.
Well, my parents took me out for my birthday the next day and invited my husband (at the time just “a guy I was dating”), my grandmother and some close family members out for the occasion. Just as were getting drinks at the bar before dinner, my dad leans over to me and let’s me know that I woke the ENTIRE house up the night before with “our charades” . I didn’t have time to let him know that we got busted before sitting down for dinner. So I sat through two hours of a very awkward dinner, only to have my grandmother announce to the table at the end of dinner how happy she is that I settled down with a man “with real stamina” and clicked glasses with my husband. Hands down the most awkward birthday dinner. ever. lol
That is really funny, mandalee!
Lol! I just read that aloud to my boyfriend and we had a nice chuckle. My boyfriend thinks your grandmother is hilarious.
And now we’re brainstorming trying to remember a funny sex story. 🙂
haha Thanks! Yeah, my grandmother is something else. Definitely the most inappropriate person I know by far.
That is definitely the best story!!
You must have posted this in the past, I remember it because it reminds me of my aunt that was super cool in the same way. Great story. 🙂
This should be one of those going to be deleted threads.
Just as well I can´t think of any embarassing moments…
Since I have no shame…
This is the story of how I lost my virginity. It was prom night because I wanted to have at least one stereotypical thing happen in my life before I started making choices that successfully stopped my family from expecting anything “normal” out of me for all eternity. I kid, I kid. It happened on prom night because I was 17 and horny.
So anyway. I was getting all hot and heavy with my then-boyfriend and by the time we were naked, I realized we’d been naked together a lot lately and so I boldly suggested we throw away our v-cards. Obviously, he agreed; he practically fell off the bed trying to get a condom. It’s an image that still makes me smirk in a self-satisfied kind of way: I made him nervous! My vagina is all-powerful!
We had a little difficulty getting it in, and then our skin kept making fart noises since, as guileless virgins, we didn’t know how to create a rhythm, and this made us giggle. On a side note: sex didn’t hurt me the first time. It actually felt kind of good. I thought there was something wrong with me because of that. Otherwise, all of this is pretty standard for those first-time, uncoordinated gropings in the dark, I’d say.
The embarrassing part is this: he had one of those “I’d rather it happen under my roof than in the back of a car” households so we really didn’t expect to be interrupted. Usually his parents just shouted up the stairs to us. I think they were trying to avoid the exact scenario that went down: His dad knocked on the door, then stood outside it saying it was getting late and I should probably head home. This is where we fucked up: we tried to sound too normal, “Ok! Be right there!” And so his dad opened the door, now chatting with us “How was prom? Was it fun?” meanwhile my boyfriend was, well, he was still inside me. But the lights were off! Thank God, right?! Of course, two seconds later, my boyfriend’s dad flipped the light on.
This is how it looked: we were completely under the covers with him on top of me. He’s a pretty big guy, and I’m tiny, so when the lights came on I shrank myself under him to the point where his dad couldn’t see me. And for a few more seconds, he kept yapping away with questions about prom, not realizing what he was seeing. Until he did. He abruptly stopped talking, realized that was super awkward, and said cheerily, “Ok. So you kids just tell me about prom later!” flicked off the light and shut the door.
We stopped after that! And now I get to tell everyone that my first time involved exhibitionism. 🙂
You tell this story SO WELL. Love!
Ahahaha!! Oh… I cringed >_<
Oh Em Gee – Obama is in the apartment across the street from me! I’m barricaded in. This is the bomb!
Actually, people are just barricaded out. I’m sure I can get out if need be. I’m about to go test the waters and see if I can walk around. … And take pictures. And sneak into the party. (He’s at a fundraiser in the mansion across the street, not “apartment” – excuse-moi.) Imma tell everyone I’m an intern.
I love that you posted this in the sex weekend open thread
Lol. It could be at the start to my most embarrassing bedroom moment. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sex with a secret service agent. Yum.
Sorry they only have sex with prostitutes.
Too much makeup and a slutty chic outfit? DONE.
just remember to demand money upfront or they might try to get away with paying 86 bucks for the night (cheap bastards)
.
take bail money with you, could be handy.
You mean, Barackaded in, yes?
well played, madam… well played
we usually lock our dogs out of the bedroom but occassionally we just go for it with the door open. one time our one dog came up and licked my husbands balls, haha. the look on his face was priceless i had no idea what had happened so i thought something went wrong and he was in intense pain. it definitely ruined the mood!
Haha, that reminded me, our (huge dog) used to enjoy bursting through the bedroom door, and jumping on the bed to play with us (one time he started climbing on my husband´s back!)
Our cat likes to climb under the covers and lay down between my thighs. It’s awkward.
ohh this is gross but my cat is sometimes curious about the smell… yea thats never fun. we usually dont let her get very far on the bed lol
My cats usually watch from afar, then when we’re done they come investigate. Like, what the hell just happened?
I had a girl cat who once crawled under the covers between my legs when I was asleep. She made it all the way to my crotch where she planted her cold wet nose. All I knew was that, one moment I was sound asleep, and the next moment I was standing up in bed wide awake.
After that, she slept on top of the covers. That worked out better for both of us.
I wouldn’t say that I’ve had any truly embarrassing moments in the bedroom, but there have been plenty of “mishaps”. Two somewhat recent ones come to mind…
I was giving a blow job, and uncharacteristically, I gagged. Gagged really bad, like, “Oh no, I hope I don’t hurl” bad. Then, I thought, “I hope he didn’t noticed…” and about that time, he says with his best attempt at sincere concern, “Are you okay down there?” And, then we both started laughing uncontrollably and couldn’t stop.
Another time, he was on top and wanted to finish on my face (oh relax!), but when he started to move higher up my body, he kneed me in the side really hard. I let out a yelp as he started cumming, and he shot cum all over the side of my face, including in one of my eyes. Cum in the eye burns like hell. So, I wanted to go to the bathroom to clean my eye out, but he’s still on top of me, so I tried to roll out from underneath him, but in the process, I pulled his face into the pile of cum on my face. He got up and we both started running for the bathroom – me saying, “Owww!” and him saying, “Ewww!”. We both ended up laughing hysterically at how comical the whole thing was, and I told him that it was a good thing that they don’t make couples apply “licenses” for sex, because I thought we’d be denied after that night.
He wants to finish on your face but finds the touch his own cum to be eww worthy?? o.O
Well, I do see the irony of that, but I’m sure he’s not the only guy that wouldn’t want cum on his face. As much as I like him going down and having his face wet from me, it doesn’t mean that I’d want that all over my face.
Also, surprise cum? Much grosser than the cum you’re prepared for.
Ha! I have a very similar experience, except it was more like I got it in my eye and started screeching and tried to push him off, he thought he’d traumatized me or physically really hurt me (rather than just stinging like a motherfucker) and so stopped me from pushing so he could comfort me. He’s all like, “WHAT???? WHAT’S WRONG?!?!?! WHAT DID I DO?!?!?” and I’m all like, “OWSONOFABITCHAGHHHHHMOTHERFUCKERAHHHHHH!”and finally I was able to calm down enough to say, “They weren’t kidding when they said that shit stings!” At which point he got it, but then he was laughing so hard he could barely help me out.
That is hilarious!!!
Nothing embarrassing here, but I did accidentally punch my fiance in the eye during sex a few months ago when he turned his head while I was simultaneously trying to pin him down.
Anyone who pays attention to my posts at all will totally know who I am, but this is graphic enough and there are enough little eyes around, I would like to have plausible deniability.
Okay, so anyone who’s ever done summer stock knows that you’re usually in some tiny town with a movie theatre and restaurants that close at, like, 8:00, no cable and usually no internet connection, so you pretty much drink a whole lot, have a lot of sex with people you then have to see backstage and in the shop for the rest of the summer, and do a lot of drugs if you’re so inclined. And as a general rule, I don’t sleep with actors, but all of our techies were very, very unattractive and most of them were also creepers.
Anyway, so one evening after a cast party and many, many martinis, I made an ill-advised foray into the sleeping quarters of an actor. We were drunk enough that it went rather badly, and it wasn’t so much that we gave up the attempt as we took a breather to regroup and forgot not to pass out. On top of the covers. We were both called at 9:00 the next morning, so of course we promptly woke up at around 10:00, and so our mutual walk of shame happened with everyone watching. An hour or so later, I was chatting with a friend, who also happened to be the stage manager, who then tells me that when that actor was late, the director came and knocked on this guy’s door, and we hadn’t even stirred. I relayed this information to the actor later, who looked really confused and said he hadn’t even realized his bedroom door locked. Somehow in our drunkenness we had locked a door that he had never locked before and avoided the boss barging in on us passed out drunk and naked on top of the covers. Which then, of course, became part of what was relayed in the gossip mill for the next four weeks.
I know who this is. I do. I know one of the frequent commenters has a degree in a very unique field – like stage design or something, right? – and had at one point asked about careers with that degree…. I’m not sure I’m getting the details right and/or maybe I’m confusing two people, but I am remembering an exchange and I think *this* is that person. … Painted lady? Or BGM?
BGM does film. I’m the only straight DWer that works in theatre, that I know of (Christy does too).
In the beginning of my relationship with my wife, I got a really bad cold when we were still in that lets be in bed all the time phase. I had to um…stop to blow my nose a lot. So gross.
Sooooo sometimes when I’m in the shower, my SO will jump in to join me. (I highly recommend this.) So this was the first time he’d followed me in in our new apartment, and it was AWESOME and lasted FOREVER and he bumped my head into the tiles and I didn’t even care – I think it was the loudest I’ve ever been in my life. Even he was loud, and he’s not usually loud.
So afterwards he’s jumped out and getting dressed again and I’m finishing up my shower and sort of staring dreamily at the ceiling and looking at the extractor fan vent…and then I have this horrible moment of realization and poke my head out and go: “um, sweetie, you know how sometimes we can hear the upstairs neighbours talking when we stand in the bathroom…..?”
Accidental exhibitionism, exhibit A…
Okay, I will add mine. I had enough trouble telling this story to my friends so I will stay anonymous. This happened with an ex when we were dating for a month and we were always into trying new things. I was in a handstand position while he went down on me, and with the rush of blood to my head, it felt really good. He had been holding me and my legs up but when I started shaking he dropped me. I hurt my neck really bad and we went to the ER because I was concerned. It was embarrassing enough to tell the doctors what really happened. They told me I could have been paralyzed if I cracked my neck in the wrong spot. All I had was a few bad muscle spasms, and they put a bandage around my neck. My neck was stiff and hard to move without causing a lot of pain, so I left the bandage on like I was supposed to. I had lunch with my parents the next day and when they asked me what happened to my neck, the only thing I could come up with to say was “Ummmm you don’t want to know”. They knew I was out late at his apartment, and I’m already horrible at keeping a straight face and lying. My dad laughed and said “So when are we going to meet your new boyfriend?” So awkward. I’m very glad they never met.
This story is totally exemplary of why I married my wife, and I really can’t tell it to any of our friends (well, obviously), but it cracks me up even now to think of it, so I’m gonna tell you. We’ve been married for a long time so we are pretty much past being embarrassed, but anyway…
There’s this very funny scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin in which Steve Carell’s character is forced to make up a sex story to hide the fact that he is a virgin, and he portrays the woman as saying “Ooh, yeah, you’re nailin’ me! COOL!” (Of course, when we first saw the movie, the talk was about how uncool it would be to say something like that during IT.) I don’t know how my wife found the focus to do this, but one time, just when I was very near the finish, she blurted out this exact line in pretty much the same tone of voice as Carell in the movie. (She would not ordinarily say much at all in words during sex.) She broke me up so badly I couldn’t cross the finish line (at least not for a few minutes), mainly because I knew she had been saving this joke up just to get me. Guys, if you ever meet a girl this much fun, marry her.
Aw, that’s cute. I like her humor!
Popped the air matress in the tent while camping in Yosemite. Not really embarrassing, but funny.
I read this after reading ‘Nother Anon’s and thought you wrote “pooped the air mattress” and I thought, shit, there’s a lot of poop stories.
Ok, that would have been embarrassing.
During my senior year in college, I was “seeing” this guy because he could cook really well and his house had heating while my apartment didn’t (yes, essentially, I was using him, I know). He also lived alone and VERY close to my campus. So, I’d head over to his house after classes to get some home-cooked dinner. Normally, after that, assuming I didn’t have lots of studying to do, we’d get drunk and have sex. Not entirely sure why since he was also completely disgusting. He let his dog pee and poop in the house and didn’t bother cleaning it up ever. And that dog was a horrible snorting pug who tried to pee on everything I ever brought over there and wouldn’t let me touch him without growling. But I digress.
The fourth or so time I went over there and spent the night, I was laying in his bed, naked, asleep, and hung over the next morning, when a woman starts yelling at me and asking me a bunch of questions about why I hadn’t cleaned up the dog shit on the floor in the living room. I wake up and realize that the woman yelling at me is his mother who I’d not previously met (I’d seen pictures though). Then she yells at me: “James! Don’t you know that you’re supposed to throw your rubbers away after using them?! If you keep throwing them on the floor, the dog will choke on them!” All I could do was respond: “Um, he’s in the shower.” So she stopped long enough to get a look at me (I’m a full foot shorter than this guy and 150lbs lighter- I have NO idea how she didn’t realize that sooner) and realize that I wasn’t her son. She just snorted at me and then left his house.
It was the weirdest and most embarrassing thing that had happened to me EVER.
What the fuck?
Yeah… That last semester at college was a real low point in my life. How desperate do you have to be for free food and warmt to sleep with a dude that lets his dog shit in his house?
The entire story does seem a tad bit messed up.