“Why Do I Attract Such Weirdos?”
At some point, for some reason, this reality hit me hard, and made me reevaluate the people I had been surrounding myself with in Florida. I felt they were now holding me back and I was losing my “depth” and “intellect” by missing out on stimulating conversations. This realization soon turned into lack of respect towards them. That lack of respect then turned into resentment, and today we are no longer friends. I feel awful for writing them off like that, just because they were not like my “Boston Friends.” I started comparing everyone I met to my “Boston Friends,” and there was never a comparison. Till this day, everyone I meet I feel like the minute they piss me off or do something I don’t like, I cannot be friends with them. I tried changing and giving people a chance, but maybe I am the one attracting weirdos. The type of girls I meet here are either boy crazy whores, really air-headed, compulsive liars (they fabricate most of what they’ve done or have to impress others) or just party girls.
I am 27 now, and over the drunken weekends (although I don’t mind stepping out from time to time). I’m also in a 5-year relationship and over the whole dating scene (although I don’t mind giving dating advice and hanging around single people at all). But why am I attracting these weirdos? I understand I have high standards for friends and the people I surround myself with, but why can’t I ever meet someone who meets those standards? And believe me, I have tried so hard to overlook certain flaws, and it’s just so hard to find that too. I always blame it on Florida, and how it produces a bunch of shallow idiots, but now I can’t help feeling like it’s me, but I don’t know what to do about it. — Make New Friends, but Keep the Old
Well, you got one thing right: it is you. The reason no one can live up to your standards is because you’ve made it so impossible to be your friend so you don’t have to ever go through the pain of losing a friendship again — either to a move, lifestyle change, or a friendship breakup. As someone else who spent her childhood moving around all the time, I can appreciate the walls you learn to build up in order to protect yourself from the pain of saying good-bye to people you care about. But you take the wall-building a step further and turn your nose up at everyone, deciding anyone who isn’t exactly like you is weird, shallow, stupid, air-headed, and crazy. In doing that, you make yourself utterly unlikeable. I guarantee, most people who just read your letter have an idea that you’re a real piece of work (and that’s putting it nicely). You don’t attract cool people into your orb because you, frankly, are not cool. At least, you’re not giving off that perception of yourself.
You should feel bad about dumping your Florida girlfriends, whom you said you had a great time with, simply because they didn’t mesh with your Boston Friends. It’s okay to have friends who meet different needs — in fact, you should have friends who meet different needs — and it was stupid to dump a group of people whose company you enjoyed because you felt they didn’t provide the deep, intellectual conversations you suddenly remembered you craved. You should have kept them and joined a freakin’ book club or signed up for a anthropology or political science course somewhere.
What you need to do is stop trying to squeeze everyone into a one-size-fits-all robe of standards and. instead, appreciate the gifts each individual “weirdo” in your life brings to the table. So what if you have a few friends who like to party all the time? If you can enjoy that from time to time, keep those friends around for a fun Saturday night out. And since your 5-year relationship is a focal point in your life, why not try to make some couple friends whom you and your significant other can hang out with together? And if you want to meet people you feel you have more in common with, search for like-minded friends at places where your common interests are the main draw, like a trivia night or Meetup groups or a yoga retreat or whatever it is that nourishes your intellect. And if you can’t think what that might be, I’d say that’s your main problem right there, and you need to stop relying on other people — like your Boston Friends, for example — to define what’s important to you, and start taking some ownership of your life.
3…2…1… Boom..
This is not going to end well. But hey, at least we got what we asked for!
That was awesome. Thank you.
WWS.
I´ve heard of friends being dumped for a lot of valid reasons, but because they don´t provide the same kind of intellectual conversation as other friends is not one of them.
If you value intellectual stimulation, it’s a perfectly valid reason.
I know I shouldn´t bite. But seriously? If LW said she had a great time with those friends, but then realized that compared to her Boston friends they weren´t as intellectual? Sorry, I didn´t realize that all friends have to be exactly the same.
She had an epiphany: namely, her Florida friends were shallow and not like her, and not the sort of people she wanted to be. Lightning bolt insights like that are good.
I guess I missed the news flash where they announced that shallow, superficial people make good friends.
LW obviously thought they were good friend until she got a chance to compare them to her perfect Boston friends.
Correction; she had fun with them. But when Boston friends turned up she realized what she was missing, and realized that her new friends are fakes. Look, the DW community tends to go totally binary on letter writers. If the community likes the letter writer, they’re all sympathetic. If they don’t like the letter writer, it’s a pack of wolves. In a sad twist of fate, unhappy people are typically less appealing than happy people. We’re in wolf territory with this one. So you know what? I’ll stand back and let you all rip this depressed person to shreds. Go for it. Enjoy.
Look, I’m sure some people will come on & rip this girl apart, but the majority will offer insights she may not have considered during her “epiphany.” Personally, I think her realization was partial & a bit off– she suddenly looks down upon not only those who used to be her friend, but seemingly EVERYBODY in the state of Florida. If she still likes to “step out from time to time” then why did she feel the need to dump everyone she used to go out with? If they’re truly horrible, then okay…but I think she should examine her feelings closer.
Your first sentence! I was on the more sympathetic side, read all the comments so far and they are pretty balanced. Some hate, some love, some understanding.
Florida is very different from Boston, home of many excellent colleges (Harvard) whereas Florida is a lot of fake boobs, etc. VERY different cultures. I am an east coast gal living in the west so I can appreciate the differences. Here people are physically healthier which fits with my current lifestyle but I enjoy hanging and talking with my (more intellectual) east coast high school buddies more. Yet I would not expect my east coast friends to hike in the high mountains. They may keel over and have a heart attack, for cripes sake! So I have different friends that I do very different things with. I think when we are in our 20’s we see things more in black and white like that. I think with maturity she will find a middle ground.
Agree completely. I have different needs met by different friends. None of my friends is able to meet all of the “friend needs” I have. I’ve learned that just because I have different hobbies or interests from my friends that doesn’t mean those people aren’t my friends. Some of the people who’ve treated me the best have had the least in common with me!
It’s one thing to realize your current circle is not a good fit. It is another to think no one on the planet is good enough for friend-hood.
Its a valid reason to decide you’re not getting enough out of a friendship, but I don’t think its a valid reason to disdain these people.
You know what DMR? I value intellectual stimulation as much as anybody , but I don´t feel the need to have deep intellectual conversations with the world. I know who I can have political debate with (and who I can´t), and so on, with a lot of different topics. I also have a friend that pretty much has no idea what´s going on in the world, and doesn´t care about politics. But she´s a sweet person, and we get along well. I´m not going to stop being her friend just because I can´t have a deep intellectual conversation with her.
I agree. I like to consider myself decently intelligent, and I do enjoy on occasion long debates on politics, culture, social issues, ect. But sometimes I like zone out to crappy tv. Sometimes I like to not think at all and do athletic activities. And I have friends that share all of these interests with me. They just all happen to be different people.
If DMR exclusively wants to engage in intellectual conversations, if that’s the one interest he’s enjoys pursuing, awesome. No reason for him to make friends who don’t also wish do to so. But we know the letter writer at least on occasion enjoys a night of partying, so why not keep a few (maybe more casual) buds around for when she’s in the mood to go out?
When I was in college, I ended up with one huge group of friends. And while it was nice, things got…monotonous. Seeing the same people, talking about the same things, doing the same things. It got boring. Now I have the same number of friends, but most don’t know each other. Sometimes I miss the big get-togethers, but I also enjoy the variety.
If the LW is like DMR and exclusively wants one certain type of friendship, I think there have been some good suggestions by other commenters on how to find them. But if she has broader interests (even if they’re not as strong), I do hope she considers reaching out to those who share those other interests. Even if a friendship is based only one one common interest, that’s okay. Sometimes that’s all you need.
I value intellectual stimulation but I don’t get it from all my friends. Should I dump my friend who came to take care of me after my surgery because she doesn’t engage me in intellectual stimulation? That’s really shallow especially since she went out of her way to be a good friend to me.
WWSx1000!! I think Wendy chose her words wisely in saying we would think the LW was a “piece of work”, which is exactly what I think. I’m sorry that everyone in an entire STATE is not good enough for you. That’s what you are saying: that you are above other people, that you are smarter than other people just because they have different interests than you. Well guess what, I love to talk about boys, clothes, and partying but I’m also a librarian with a Master’s degree who reads The Economist and can hold a pretty decent conversation with anyone I meet. And if I met you I would think you were a boring weirdo. Sorry for getting so fired up about this, but I hate when people equate “fun” with “stupid and shallow”
Oh and if you really hate Florida so much, why don’t you just freaking move. You’ve had 8 years to find a new job in Boston if that city is so important to you.
“why don’t you just freaking move”
Oh…. great advice. Delightful. The sort of choice advice I love to see here.
Letter writer: I’m lonely, can’t make friends, and generally not happy.
Comment community: You suck. Just freaking move.
Why don´t you actually try reading the letter?
LW: “I always blame it on Florida, and how it produces a bunch of shallow idiots”.
I hate when people blame their problems on where they live or their situation when they have the opportunity to change it. If you don’t like something about your life and you have the ability to move or get a new job, I would do it. While I think the problem here lies with the LW, if she truely believes she will be happier with people in Boston then she should move there.
If your advice to move was intended to be sincere, it certainly didn’t come across that way.
Oh my god I’m such a mean person, right? And If I was having this conversation in person with a dear friend I would say “then why don’t you just freaking move”.
Exactly with the dear friend business, Kerrycontrary!
I moved to LA from Chicago, and I’ve had a fair amount of friends move out here the same way only to complain constantly about how much they miss Chicago and how much LA sucks. So leave. Seriously – some of us like it here and call it home. You don’t make friends by walking into their house and insulting everything.
It may sound harsh, DMR, but I’m on the LW’s side. I’ve been in her position – I’ve been a friendship curmudgeon. And I knew I had to either get a little more compassionate or move the hell away from the situation if it was making me so miserable I couldn’t connect with others.
That’s what I kept thinking the whole time I was reading the letter and waiting for an explanation as to why she doesn’t just go back to Boston! Honestly at first I thought maybe she was still a minor. I do think its mostly the LW’s fault that her friendships aren’t working out. However, different parts of the country do have different kinds of people. I’m not generalizing entire populations, but I’ve lived in Florida most of my life and people are different here. South and Central Florida are very different that North Florida and most everyone is from some place else. In general though I think people from the south are more friendly than New Englanders so I’m actually the opposite of what the LW seems to think. And yes before you respond that Florida is not “really” the south, you must have never been to N. Florida, it’s the same as S. Alabama/S. Georgia.
I do agree there are different regional cultures. And just like if you were travel to another country, moving to a different part of the country can sometimes result in miscommunications or misconceptions when interacting because you don’t understand all the unwritten norms that everybody else has unconsciously internalized.
However, its not THAT different, and she has been there eight years. She should be able to understand and interact with the locals by now.
I totally agree. I have lived all over the country and I will tell you that most of the cultural differences are superficial. You will find good people, a mcdonalds, and rough people everywhere. Maybe it is harder to find an anti gun person in rural alabama but you can find them. I remember the first time I came to the East Coast I thought everyone was yelling at me, then I fould out that is how they talked to each other. I think she is forgetting all the annoying things about her boston friends because she only sees them in small bursts.
She’s in a five year relationship. I imagine that’s probably tying her to Florida.
Which brings a whole other question about geographic location and relationships…
This is just speculation, but I’m guessing that her boyfriend may be the reason she hasn’t moved. Maybe he has more ties to the area than she does, or just doesn’t want to move for some reason.
Yeah, can´t wait for gatorgirl to comment!
You know, there is so much going on in this comment chain, I don’t even know where I would start! First off- it is not just that easy to move! Maybe the LW has a good job, maybe her BF has a good job; maybe the BF’s family is in FL. Who knows! But it is not just that easy to move because you’re having a hard time finding friends! Secondly, I live in North Florida, and trust me, when you leave city limits…you enter Southern Georgia.
@kerrycontrary There are most definitely people who are intelligent and fun! As I said in my post below, my fiance’s (and his friends) are great examples of that! We can have a 10 hour tailgate before a football game and then Monday they are in suits teaching class.
I think the fact that this LW is living in FL, and I’m assuming a college town, is being over looked by a lot of people. I grew up in the North, spent 5 years in the Carolinas and now have been in FL for a year. It is a vacation state. There is a huge vacation mentality here. I mean how can it not be? It’s beach weather 9+ months of the year, there are a pleathora of power-house college sports teams and professional teams, there is a continuous and year round stream of vacationers. I mean who doesn’t want a margarita on a Tuesday when it’s 95+ degrees and gorgeous! I have found that it is much more “accepted” to live a “party” lifestyle.
I have had a terrible time making friends here, and it is not because I think I’m better than everyone/anyone else.
Wait, not “fiance’s”. I only have one. Just wanted to clarrify.
As a live long Georgian who has spent a significant amount of time in FL, as well as time spent in both urban and rural parts of the state, I have to agree with your assessment of the difference in lifestyle. The area you live in makes such a huge difference. Atlanta (and metro-Atlanta) is WAY different from either north or south Georgia! The people and culture in metro-Atlanta are FAR different than the people outside of metro-Atlanta. Even though you can find decent people everywhere, you definitely find that people in an area tend to agree on their priorities and lifestyle. Someone who enjoys high culture, exotic food and intellectual conversation is probably going to have a hard time finding people with like interests outside of Atlanta but still within GA. Where as someone who enjoys relaxing on Sunday, spending lots of time outdoors and contributing to a small community probably wouldn’t like Atlantans very much.
Also, it’s worth noting that I’ve had some really bad experiences in FL. Well, pretty much all of the experiences I’ve had in FL have been bad. And it’s always been because of the way the people acted.
But even then there are more regional differences. Athens is a lot more like Atlanta whereas Rome is a lot more like rural GA than you would expect from a “college town”. The comment about people tending to have similar priorities and interest still applies for those areas though.
Perfect advice, Wendy.
And not to toot my own horn, but us Boston area people are indeed hard to beat. We set the bar for cool, intellectual people. Ha ha 😛
Seriously though, LW… pretentious is the worst way to be. So, stop. Having different types of people around makes life interesting. Embrace it.
I moved all over growing up. I lived in 7 states and 9 houses. I was in 3 high schools. So I get the moving thing. But I found that moving all over proved that there are good people and jerks everywhere. Your life is going to change alot and some friendships might not be relevent anymore. But to write them off seems silly. Like I have a friend who I adore but she is happily single living the city life and I have moved to the suburbs and am married. We might not see each other all the time but try to meet once a month. why does it have to be all or nothing?
I agree with everything you said, especially the last part because I have friends who are still living the “young” life (however you want to put it) so we see each other way, way less because we just aren’t doing the same things, but still love each other. However, imagine if that friend of yours was all your friends. Wouldn’t that be hard on you?
I feel like you just have to join new groups and do new things. The LW knows how to do this because she has done it her whole life. I feel like it is the song “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.”
We often get letters from people who have never had to step out and make friends and that is a hard, scary transition. When you are like me, a “Corporate Nomad”, then the fear of new situations is just not there.
She could spend her saturday nights with the party crowd but Tuesday night with a book club and Wednesday at Bible Study and Thursday with some sort of Social Awareness organization and Sunday morning at yoga. I am willing to bet that she could meet 10 “deep” people in a week just by doing a different thing every night.
Your letter is off putting, and personally, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who thinks like you. But, I won’t be mean. I’ll just reiterate what Wendy said and that it’s important to have a multitude of friends who feed different interests.
For example, I have my best friend from junior high. We don’t talk often, but when we do, it’s like nothing ever changed. She knows me inside and out. A friend like that is important.
I have my sisters and my cousins, who are like sisters. We’re all dorks together, but it works.
I have a couple close girlfriends that I made when I moved to my current city. One I work with and shop with and go to dinners with. She introduced me to a plethora of her friends, and now I have a good network. My other friend I met through a meet up. She lives near me, we go to movies and brunch and e-mail on a daily basis. She’s my go to friend when I want to relax. I will also travel with her. I also have a group of girlfriends who I go to dinner with once a month and check out a new place.
I also have a couple guy friends when I need to throw some dudes in there.
So my advice – find a couple going out friends. If you need intellectual conversations, call your Boston friends. Do as Wendy said and go to places and meet people with like interests. I can’t believe there is nobody in an entire city that can’t do that. And if you truly are that unhappy, move.
I lived in Florida for 5 and a half years after college. It’s not that bad. I had a lot of friends there too.
WWS– especially the part about different friends meeting different needs. LW: after a certain point in your life, you don’t NEED one, homogenous group of friends. You can be friends with whoever you want, based on your unique set of interests.
You obviously like to party, or else you wouldn’t have gotten close with those Florida peeps (sorry, “people” just didn’t sound right in that sentence…). Don’t you think that mayyybe they weren’t just shallow party girls/boys? What did they do when they weren’t hanging out with you? I have my party friends too, & their other interests are completely foreign to me. And visa-versa! Our conversations tend to revolve around “OhMAHGOD remember that one night??”
It’s okay to bond with friends over a specific hobby (even if the hobby is “partying”). Some friendships are just like that. The only reason you’d then turn around & deem everybody around you one-dimensional is if you’re unhappy with YOURSELF. Surrounding yourself with less “weirdos” isn’t necessarily going to help you develop your own intellect, or whatever. Your friends should supplement your life, not create your life.
Oh, & I agree with kerrycontrary when she advised you to move. If you blame everything on Florida, maybe your attitude will change once you change location?
Very well put. Plus, if they were party friends, did she expect them to stop dancing/drinking for an hour to discuss world politics?
Party friends seem to be a lot easier to find than friends you can connect with on a “deeper” level.
I’ve moved around a bit and found it difficult to make friends as an adult. In Vegas, I befriended my co-workers. Here in St. Louis, I’ve found belly dance to be a good way to meet new people. And still, no one REALLY compares to to my hometown friends.
I think what the LW might be discovering is just that it’s a lot harder to make those “deeper” connections with friends as we get older – and it takes longer! She might feel closer to her Boston friends because they met at a younger age and went through some formative years together. I think she might be mistakenly placing the majority of the blame on her inability to find friends on her geographic area. I think of course it does play a part; but her age, desire to do things other than party, and attitude are playing a role as well.
Belly dance is wonderful! Definitely a good way to stay in shape and meet new people.
I can totally to relate LW. I need friends who stimulate me intellectually. Party people, sports people, they all bore me to to tears. It’s not personal, it’s just how things are.
So you’re an intellectual. You had “intellectual stimulation” up in Boston and that side of you was satisfied and nourished. But the reason you can’t find it in Florida is that you’re hanging around in the wrong circles. You’ve got the wrong day job, the wrong interests. You are an underachiever.
So here are some tips. Go to college. Join a book club, or a writing club, or any kind of organization that involves cerebral stuff.
One other thing: you have to accept that most people are ‘weirdos’ as viewed by someone else. Embrace people’s quirkiness and diversity rather than running from it.
Accept people for who they are….and don’t turn your nose up unless they do something to hurt you (on purpose).
My favorite line is that someone who cares about you will never intentionally hurt you. They might say or do something without realizing but will never do something to spite you.
Your former FL friends may be less mature and intellectual than you, but nothing you’ve written makes them sound like weirdos. People change over time. You’re in a long term relationship and feeling more serious about life. There is nothing wrong with no longer being into the binge drinking, boy chasing, clothes shopping phase of your life. These girls and you are at a different place in your lives. Find new friends. You might be happier moving back to Boston.
As I was reading this, I kept thinking you must be around 22 because your letter doesn’t strike me as someone who is 27 and should surely be more mature by then. I’ve lived in a number of cities throughout my life and ironically grew up in Boston. And I did grow up in quite an intellectual environment, and sure I do love having such conversations, but I cannot stand to surround myself with people who are all like me. I don’t see how anyone could tolerate that. It’s boring. Friendships are supposed to help nurture you and are an added benefit in life.
I now live in Georgia–the only thing I will say is that I have come to personally find the south to be a pretty fucked up place at times. But you can’t use that as an excuse as to why you don’t have friends or don’t like your friends. I love my life in the south, and my friends and all the pros outweigh the cons for me. Some of my friendships are different–but that’s only natural for being in a different environment. You seem like the sort of person who only wants to have friends who fit in a narrow, subtype. And after having made friends from all over the world from the places I have lived, I can say that having friends that have different values, morals, interests, and cultures keeps it interesting. I don’t mind the occasional party and I like to be a bit on the wild side, while one of my best friends has never been drunk in her life and is saving herself for marriage. We have lots of shared interests and never run out of ideas to have fun–it simply doesn’t matter that we live different lifestyles or have different beliefs on some issues. All of my friendships are profoundly unique and they each greatly improve my life in different ways; I think it’s boring to expect as Wendy said, friendships that have a one size-fits-all approach.
And, the fact that you want to blame on your problems on Florida just shows that it’s you that is the problem. YOU don’t like your friends. You’re the one that feels you are too good for them. That speaks volumes about you, your self-esteem, and your own unhappiness. Your standards are too high. Friends are there for you, they are people to do activities with, etc, but their characteristics do not define who you are. I think you’re afraid “to be one of them”–so do whatever you want, but you don’t have to judge people so harshly. And stop taking life so seriously.
Perfect, Kristina.
I mean, even the TV shows my 4 year old watches always explain how everybody is different, and how that´s a good thing.
Children’s shows are great at teaching kids about how everyone is different. I miss Sesame Street.
I grew up in the Boston area in a town that is known for having a great school system…most of the kids in my high school partied harder than anyone I knew in college and had no intellectual conversations outside of being at school. You can find all sorts of people in every location, you just have to know where to find them. I totally agree that it’s the LW projecting onto the people of FL and is being unfair to them! Great comment Kristina.
Heh, the town I grew up in has been given a little nickname in reference to the hard partying ways of the high schoolers.
Haha yeah, my town has a bunch of bored rich kids whose parents aren’t too concerned with what they do so they party and party hard.
I’ve lived in GA my whole life. I think “pretty fucked up place at times” describes it quite well. But you are right, you can find decent people even in a place that is “pretty fucked up”. If you can’t find any friends, you aren’t looking in the right places. If you can’t find friends, you’re doing something wrong.
I think you definitely like Wendy said need to stop comparing all the people you meet to your friends from Boston. You will never find someone just like them, anywhere, not Florida not Brazil not California, it doesn’t matter where you move. And as long as you keep comparing them you’ll always be unhappy. Does that mean you have to hang out with people you don’t like? Absolutely not, but maybe if you stop comparing you will actually find that some of those people would make good friends, for different reasons than your friends from Boston do.
And I get that your relationship is your focal point but you don’t mind giving out advice or hanging out with single people? I’m not going to judge you for the way your letter was written but rather the tone. You’re willing to hang out with them long enough to give them advice since you must be so good at it?
I would, while you’re taking time to not compare your friends to one another, also take a look at the way you present yourself to new people you meet. Perhaps you while being pissed off and having people do things you don’t like, are doing the same things to people who would potentially be great friends by having a kind of crappy attitude.
Thought the same thing about what she said regarding single friends. Oh gee, thanks lady for all your sage advice on relationships and obtaining boyfriends. ::Rolls eyes::
She is in need of getting off her high horse.
Disagree. this is a damned if you do/damned if you don’t. If she hadn’t mentioned that she likes hanging out with single people, then we would have jumped on her 5 year relationship and inferred that she looked down on single people. There really is nothing for people in relationships to talk about about dating with single people other than to listen and laugh and sometimes offer advice. (Having been on both sides of that, currently a single person). I’m taking that sentence at face value, not as condecending. There is no way to state positive facts without sounding like you’re condecending, bragging or lying. (“I’m not Cindy Craford, but I’m generally considered pretty and on the lower bmi side for my height” = “she thinks she’s G-d’s gift”- type mentality).
it was more that she made it seem like the only thing she could offer/get from single people was giving her sage advice. i have friends who are currently in a relationship and our relationship does not revolve around me giving them advice. it’s not just the way she wrote that portion of the letter either, it was that combined with everything. and more specifically the caveat of i don’t mind giving out advice that i found off. if that’s all you’re doing with your single friends then yeah, maybe they don’t want to hang out with you either.
*currently not in a relationship
People: letter writer is clearly depressed. If you aren’t seeing that, then you’re blind.
I gotta say, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but you’re not really being the nicest contributor to the comment community. I didn’t necessarily agree with kerrycontrary before, but you didn’t have to attack her like that. “If you aren’t seeing that, then you’re blind”? Why not address this comment to the LW and say something like “LW, you sound depressed. Have you considered therapy/counseling/getting a puppy?” But putting on your judgy voice with your fellow commenters isn’t really doing much for the DW community.
(I know Kerry irl, so I’m a little defensive of her. She’s awesome. Even if she gets riled up over DW letters.)
She’s awesome. Even if she gets riled up over DW letters.)
aren’t we all, Christy 🙂
That’s because I was getting upset by the way the DW community sometimes tears down letter writers, and so my comment was motivated by that.
This person is depressed. All the things that people are geting in knots over that the LW said, are irrational – like thinking everyone in the world are weirdos. Besides that, frankly I’m not here to make friends, but to call it as I see it.
OK, haven’t read Wendy’s reply, but I imagine it was hard for her to be kind and the commenters will rip her a new one, but…
I have to say I feel some understanding here. Putting aside the negative attitude she comes across with, she clearly just doesn’t feel like one of “them.” That’s not so terrible. I’ve spent times with different types of people that just aren’t like me (not that I’m better, just different). I prefer friends on the same wavelength as I’m on (mature, not a huge party, settling down with their lives, into the same things). I’m not going to be great friends with someone who has a totally different idea of fun as me and who is into all things that I’m not into. When I put it like that, don’t you think everyone is like that? At 27 she wants more mature friends whose lives don’t revolve around boys and partying. Good for her. I totally get that.
But writing off an entire state full of people?
Well, to be fair I said “putting aside the negative attitude.”
Sorry, I must have missed that part. 😉
I just tried to cut threw the snotty part and see the real issue. I usually don’t, but when I finished reading the letter, I thought I bet if she wrote this differently, we would all be understanding.
But if, as has been said here before, LWs write their letters in a way so as to be seen in the best possible light, and it came out like this, what will LW really feel?
Good point. I’m really not defending the bad things she said, and I know everyone else will cover why that’s wrong of her.
I live in FL and the party mentality is pretty permeated in this age range. Of course there are pockets of responsible and mature individuals, but if she’s living in a college town (which I assumed- could be wrong) it’s going to be everywhere.
I’m so glad you piped in with this.
Even my fiance’s friend who are all Phd candidates and mature, intelligent, responsible people, live a bit of a “party” lifestyle. There are Tuesday Boosedays and 12 hour tailgates and Sunday Funday pool parties. But there are also days full of teaching classes, grading papers, writing and researching for their dissertations. Being 26 and living in a college town is a very strange experience.
I totally agree with you. I am a long time FL resident and also this letter really pissed me off and I am going to refrain from commenting further, I will say that she could live in a more party area. In my location, there are tons of families and people are settled. Oh and intellectual. Just wanted to throw that in there.
But stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. And she’s not writing off an entire state of people; she’s being honest with how she is perceiving them and asking for help. “I don’t seem to fit in with these LA-type people, NYC-type people, northern californian-type people, seattle-type people, brooklyn-type people, miami-type people, deep south-type people, midwestern-type people, etc.” — those sentences make sense.
Are there people there who don’t fit those molds? Of course. Do regions have stereotypes for a reason? Of course. Most regions are damn proud of their reputation and the area fosters that type of feel and if you don’t fit it or just plain don’t like it, that can feel incredibly isolating. There’s a reason some people LOVE living in LA and people need to get the hell out of LA before they lose themselves. Same with every other location. Acknowledging that you don’t like a region’s pathos isn’t the same as writing off everyone in that region.
Just yesterday Wendy herself said Brooklyn is all yuppie moms (or something like that).
But let’s take florida. In the 2000 election, the state was divided by something like 500 votes. That shows there are diverse groups in that state. I think more she lives in the wrong part of the metro area. Like I live in a wealthy suburb with organic food places and good schools. A certain person does gravitate there but 5 miles away is a thriving youngish area and five miles the other way is a huge “gayborhood”. I think she has gotten lazy about meeting new people. She has found it easier to stay in with her SO then to put herself out there and try new things.
I’m going to purple thumb you for mentioning that without the use of the word Chad.
Sure, but you can say the same thing about Brooklyn. Hassidic Jews, Russian mob, Russian non-mob, yuppies, hippies, hipsters, and proud Puerto Ricans all call it home and are damn proud of their spheres. But if you live in Williamsburg, it can feel like the whole worlds are hipsters drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon to be ironic.
I’m not doubting that there are people other than the people she dislikes around her, but she isn’t crazy, selfish, egotistical, bigoted or superficial for FEELING like the homogenous group is all-incompassing when she is as lonely as she is. Yes, of course she should try to branch out and meet new people, mainly by doing things that will expose her to different types of people than she typically meets. She acknowledges that she is being unfair. But I disagree with your seemingly casual diagnosis that she’s done it because it’s simply “easier” — that minimizes how difficult it is to put yourself out there with strangers to try to make friends while trying new things that aren’t comfortable. That is incredibly difficult — made more so by a cycle of depressive thoughts that it isn’t worth it because everyone you meet will be the same as the people you already know and don’t like. So when you meet them, and see any similar traits to those people you’ve rejected, you call the endeavor a failure and go home, feeling helpless, shitty and alone — doomed to a life with no friends.
This is not an easy cycle to break and it isn’t because she’s close-minded — it’s because she’s sad and feels hopeless, which leads her to be close-minded. I think a lot of people have the wrong cause and effect going on. She was fine with her friends until she remembered real friendship and remembered who she was and who she feels she wants to be again. She feels alone and helpless and that if she gives in to being friends with these people, that she’s sacrificing who she really is and she’s scared that she’ll lose that person altogether if she’s not careful, because she already lost her once. Many of us remember who we are and what we want when we are surrounded by those who love us and those who remember our hopes and dreams, even when we forget them in the mundaneness of everyday life. When our love ones remind us of those, it can be intense and life-altering, as we see that we’ve lost pieces of ourselves we used to value, and we scramble to get them back. That’s what she’s doing.
So LW, you have already begun the process of remembering who you are, what you value and who you want to be. Now, you just need to take real steps towards re-becoming that person, and exposing yourself to others who value the same things you do. There are people who value them and you need to dig deep. The good news is that you have a partner who is there to support you as you try this, to be a person to come with you so you don’t have to go to a poetry reading in a shady part of town alone, or to drive with you the 3 hours to the college to attend a symposium on string theory. The fact that you have a partner makes this infinitely times better, because you honestly can’t fail at it. If you meet people while doing things to make you happy, awesome. If not, you still are doing things that make you happy and you are not alone. You are loved and worty of being liked, as evidenced by your partner and your Boston friends. There are other people who are equally worthy of being loved and liked – by you. Go find them.
So we are saying the same thing? There are tons of different people, stop stewing and go find them?
Yeah I’m not much one for DC people (even though kerrycontrary, RR, and Brad are all great). It’s just not really my bag.
(Is that a real saying? That’s not my bag?)
Absolutely. Especially if you happen to be Austin Powers. “This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby.”
Sorry. Flashback to 1997 over now. Return to serious and sensitive commentary.
fine, but that 1. doesn´t give her the right to label everyone who isn´t her ideal friendship type a weirdo and 2. she´s complaining about not having the kind of friends she wants, but does everything to make sure she won´t find them…
I get the part where she writes someone off as soon as they do something she doesn´t like, because I´m like that. I make friends fairly easily, but can´t manage a whole lot of them, so as soon as my “quota” (I don´t have a number or anything) is reached, it´s really hard for people to make friends with me because I become a lot more choosy. Basically, they have to be really awesome for me to be interested in a friendship. To be clear, I´m not unfriendly to anyone, I just don´t befriend them.
Maybe that´s what´s happening to the LW? She actually has enough friends just not close by, and that´s why she´s so picky?
I get the feeling that she´s just idealizing the Boston friends, and holding the bar so high noone else will ever hope to meet the standards she´s set for someone to become her friend.
I thought that too! She barely sees them, but has built them up in her head and idealized her memories with them.
Oh yeah, she defintely is. I just don´t get why she seets the bar so high. If she wants more friends, why doesn´t she at least start out with what´s available?
A lot of people just know me as the party girl, because, yeah I go out very often and have fun, but I also read poetry and love philosophy. But you will only ever see that if you try to get to know me.
Another great point. Its possible some of these FL friends have different sides to them she’s never given them a chance to show.
Exactly, if you´re at a party you´re probably not going to sit down to read poetry or discuss politics or whatever. In a different context you might.
And the person who tries to make it THAT kind of party….. is probably the least fun person to spend the party with.
Right, because no one ever likes to have real discussions at parties. Come on, that is really not a nice thing to say at all.
Of course people have discussions at party, but the environment isn´t really fostering them; loud music, a lot of people, distractions galore…
That isnt at all what I meant, I cant have been clear.
All I meant was when I’ve been at a party, and everyone is in a good mood, and laughing and chatting etc and someone says, “Well, I really want to hear your views on Alice Walker refusing to publish The Colour Purple in Israel to protest the regime. Forget about what you were talking about, and pay attention to what I have deemed worthy of discussion.”….. well, that sucks. Work with your audience, you know?
Fair enough!
JK this is exactly what I was thinking. She made friends with these people during a time in her life when making friends was hard because she moved a lot, and now she has decided that they are the best friends ever. LW – if you lived in Boston, I assure you that you would find something “weird” about these friends.
I’m not giving her a free pass to label everyone who isn’t like her a weirdo. You’ll see my comments above about why I wrote what I did. I imagine if she wrote more like what you just did (which is a lot of what she was saying, but without the judgment of others), we would be more understanding.
But she didn´t. Plus, if I´m in the situation that I´m trying to find friends, I´m a lot less choosy, and get to know people a lot better. When I first moved here I made really, really, great friends, who maybe now I wouldn´t start befriending anymore. But I got to know them when I needed friends, so I was able to see what they´re really like and they´re amazing.
But it sounds like she really did get to know these people, and they are not her cup of tea. Why is that so wrong? There are millions of people I don’t hang out with me because they aren’t my type.
I think the LW’s real problem is not that simple, though. If she phrased it like, “hey, I’m in my mid-to-late 20s, in a serious relationship, & I’m over partying all the time. But due to my prior lifestyle, I only have really wild friends– how do I make new friends??” then the advice would be different.
The letter she DID write though, is a lot more nuanced. She gives enough background (moved around a lot, idolizes her Boston friends) and clearly explains the mindset that led her to this situation (“this realization soon turned into lack of respect…lack of respect then turned into resentment, and today we are no longer friends”) AND leaves her “voice” in the letter (which has been described already as pretentious, snooty, arrogant, etc.) so there’s many things to focus on here. The combination of everything in the letter makes it harder to boil down to “eh, they’re just not her type.”
Very true. I will say though that just yesterday I wrote a letter to Wendy and was so overly concerned about every single word knowing how we all analyze everything.
I’m in my mid 20’s and live in FL and find myself with the same problem. You’re expectations are probably a little too high. If you still live in your college town, then the “college lifestyle” is probably still a very common occurance. I live in a major college town in FL and have found that most people, not all, have the party mentality all the time. I’ve decided it’s just a fact of my FL life I’ve accepted.
But I bet if you went one town over, you would find a whole different group of people.
Eh, I mean I’m not sure. I’ve spent a fair amount of time in Jacksonville, Gainesville, Tampa, and Orlando and it all seems to be pretty similar. Of course there are lots of families and retired folks, but the people in the mid to late 20’s range in all of those cities (and I know people who actually live in most of them) seem to live a more “party” friendly lifestyle then my friends of the same age in the Carolinas and the North. Admittedly I don’t know much about South Florida. So of course all of this is in my personal experiance but I understand where the LW is coming from. (Not so much her “holier than thou” tone but)
Right, I would assume that people in florida are more beachgoers then skiing because of location. Philly people are more likely to boo at you for wearing the wrong shirt somewhere. But these are surface things. You can’t get to know someone if all you do is pregame and club. My father did a research study on skin care in the 70s. He said the amazing thing was when they polled the teenagers from NY in the study, they very forcefully told you that they had no idea what they were talking about. The Valley Girls sounded like idiots but totally knew what they were talking about…totally, for sure. If you didn’t know better, you would assume the New Yorkers were correct. The point I am making is that if you judge something on the surface, you can miss all the real underneath.
But ALWAYS judge a book by its cover. Those fuckers are never deceiving.
Whaddya think of the 50 Shades cover. I was disappointed, I was expecting a book all about the various types (50 to be exact)
of gray color that is out there. That book would have been a fascinating read.
But I wasn’t talking about judging by their cover…I’ve spent time in these places and with people from the cities I mentioned. I live here. I’ve had a hard time making friends because of the same reasons the LW stated and I live in FL.
You know… it takes a long time to develop the type of friendship that comes from knowing someone a long time. You can’t expect new relationships to be a deep as friendships that you have fostered for a decade or more. For me it takes about a year for a new pal to be a good friend… you learn about each other, develop trust slowly as you slowly open up, and pretty soon they are good friends – IF you are also a good friend. Not many adult women would want to put up with someone who would drop them as soon as they did something that you didn’t like.
I don’t intend for this to sound as harsh as I’m afraid it’s going to sound – but I think you might need taken down a peg or two. Don’t worry – life has a way of knocking you down sooner or later – it’ll probably be a pretty humbling experience when it happens. And trust me – you’ll be much better served if you’ve actually bothered to make some friends and be a friend. You aren’t as great and special as you think right now – everyone has their own problems, and a little compassion will others would make you more likely to make some friends. Now put on your makeup, knock down your walls, and go out there and get some coffee with a new person in your life!
It sounds like you’ve outgrown the party girl stage of life but haven’t moved on to anything else. If you’re not meeting people like yourself you’re hanging out in the wrong circles and need to make a change in your life. If you find something to do that is meaningful to you, you will end up surrounded by people who find the samething meaningful to them and friendships will grow. So it’s up to you to find something that is intellectually stimulating to you.
I wonder how much of her resentment of these girls is due to her embarrassment at having been like them.
Yes. I think at least one layer of this can be explained by a fear or embarrassment on her part that maybe she “turned into” the same type of person she’s eviscerating here.
Just find some free events in Florida that you’re interested in and check them out on your own. Or join a fun class like Zumba, or a nature club or whatever your into. Meet people with similar interests and BOOM!
Is the city’s so full of horny singles well, then, I guess you have the rest of the state to explore.
why assume that your ‘Florida’ friends are shallow? they might very well be, but did you put any effort into really getting to know them on a personal level, not just a party one?
I can kind of relate. I”m in a five year relationship, and we moved to London in December, from New Zealand (via Australia for a year and a half).
Making a new group of friends is so very, very difficult. I’ve been thinking this over lately, especially, as I know that I will always end up back in NZ, probably at the end of next year. Thats where I belong, and this travelling is an experience which I enjoy, but know will end.
Therefore, it was really hard for me to bother making friends. I had my BF, and I’m a solitary girl anyway, and my wonderful, fabulous friends and family in the Southern Hemisphere meant I always had an email to reply to, or a skype date to make. Because I work low-level jobs, I often find it hard to relate to my co-workers (not because I’m better, but because they are usually either students, which I am no longer, or older people who are working their way up, while I am there to make cash.) so making friends always got put aside.
But here in London, a couple months ago I started feeling really down. My BF is better at making friends than me, and while I like the people he hangs out with, I’m a girls girls, and I’ve always needed my own friends. So I made an effort, and went out with the most unlikely candidate, whom I work with. It was a bit awkward at first, we come from different educational, economical and racial backgrounds, but we both wanted a friend. And now we both have one.
I’ve kind of learned that friend groups arent made, they grow. And I have to grow my own, over here in London, where I cant piggyback off knowing what school someone went to, or knowing their older brother. Everyone has something to offer.
Ok, that was long, and more about me than I intended. And its possible, you are depressed, which you should look into. But there is no rule saying you cant have more than one group of friends. And I’m sure there is something about your Boston friends that annoys you, or makes you glad they are far away, sometimes. Just something? I love my best friend but sometimes when I get emails from her on certain topics, I’m so glad I’m not down the road anymore.
As I was reading the letter, all I could think was “this person sounds so arrogant” and if that’s the attitude you’re giving off to other people, it’s not surprising you can’t seem to make friends who can satisfy your needs. No one friend or one group of friends is going to satisfy everything you need/want, especially if you’re holding them up to an idealized standard (i.e. your Boston Friends). When I moved overseas, I felt like I had the same problem–most people I met in my new country seemed to only want to party and get drunk every night while I’m not really into that anymore. But they were good people, so I kept them in my life. I wouldn’t go out with them every time–I would hang out once every two weeks or so (and would usually go home a bit earlier than everyone else) and that was okay. I would also suggest activities to them every once in a while that were more my style and, you know what? They were into that, too! It was a give and take and I eventually found other friends I could do more low-key stuff with, while still keeping my “partying” friends around. You don’t have to have just one group of friends and you don’t always have to do what they want to do. You don’t have to drop friends simply because they don’t fulfill every need and desire you have (you said yourself that you enjoyed being around them). You can have “partying” friends, you can have “low-key” friends, and you can have “intellectual” friends. Each group has their own place in life and sometimes they will even overlap. But in order to have any friends at all, you need to reflect on how your attitude makes you look to other people and probably make a few changes.
I guess I know who not to invite to happy hour. I wouldn’t want you to have too much fun. Bored people are boring. Why don’t you be the change in the world? Seriously. Find people that are into whatever intellectual things you’re into. Visit the space station with a fanny pack – I’m sure you’ll attract some intellectuals.
I love the fanny pack. I read a quote today that said “When was the last time you did something for the first time.” We live in such a dynamic world and I feel that people cling to thier habits a little to hard.
So remember your post last night about your opinion on sleeping in the same bed? The one where you really, really shared your opinion no holds barred. As I read it Im like, damn, someone’s had a couple drinks. Then I saw someone posted on the Drunk DWrs thread. I bet myself it was you and won. Anyway, that made me laugh.
I am so inappropriate. All the time. 🙁 <—- that is my ashamed face.
Eh I went back and read it and I still stand by what I said – I maybe just could have worded it better, haha. Drunk and sober IWTTS pretty much always agree on their opinions, it’s just that drunk IWTTS enjoys painting visuals just in case people don’t understand EXACTLY what she’s talking about.
You know, I’m in a really good mood today, so I’m going to give the LW the benefit of the doubt. I am not a fan of hanging around with the people I imagine you would call “air-headed” or “boy-crazy whores” or whatever else. So you know what I do? I don’t make friends like that. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m sure some of my friends are like that, but I don’t let it interfere with my friendship with them. I am not a party girl. I don’t drink at all and the only time I go out is to see bands play at bars (where I sit and drink soda all night). Some of my friends love to party, which is fine… I just choose to not partake in that.
I completely understand the need for intellectual stimulation, but different friends should meet different needs. I have friends I can call to discuss politics and philosophy and other things like that, but I also have friends that I can call to go out and have a night of mindless fun. Not all of my friends are exactly copies of each other and to be honest, I don’t usually have them all together at once because I know the groups wouldn’t mix well. I have a big Halloween party every year, and that’s the only time I invite everyone to be together. Sometimes they surprise me and hit it off and sometimes I’ll get a call the next day with a friend saying “What’s up with so-and-so, she seems like an airhead” or whatever. But I don’t judge the so-called airhead based on my other friends.
So my advice? You seem to be stuck and that sucks. It really does. If you don’t like the people you are meeting or just don’t seem to be hitting it off with people, try meeting different people. Join a book club, poetry club, political club, etc. Take some classes at a local community college where you can have deep and intellectual conversations. And please, stop comparing people to other people. No one is exactly the same and that’s good. Repeat after me – diversity is good.
I doubt that everyone in Florida is horrible, airheaded, whorish, and dumb. I especially doubt that since I do have friends and family in Florida and I know that’s not the case. It seems to me you are just looking in the wrong places. I’m not going to fault you for being picky about your friends. In some cases, that’s a great thing. But really you should loosen up a little and be open to the possibly awesome and loving friends that you’re passing up just because they don’t know who Nietzsche or Marx or Kant are. I love a good, intellectual conversation but I think my brain would fry if every conversation I had was like that.
Get out and meet some new people and be open. Also, if you’ve been in a relationship for 5 years then your SO must provide some kind of intellectual stimulation for you, right? How do you feel about your SO’s friends? That may be a start too.
I hate to break it you, it’s called growing up.
I have learned that not all friendships are created equal and making friends can be a little difficult as an adult. I am sure you have heard other people complain that it is hard to make friends, and it’s true. It has taken me YEARS to make a group of friends that I consider close and true friends. It’s a lifelong process.
Not to be cliche or anything, but often times I have heard that if you can count your friends on one hand, you are really lucky–it’s true. As you age and you become more definitive and selective, you will notice who you prefer to be around. I have a ton of friends spread across the country and sometimes it can feel as though all my friends are far away.
It’s not that you are attracting weirdos–it’s that making friends as an adult is harder. Plain and simple. Maybe you need to join a gym and be more selective and be SECURE with that fact. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
WWS for sure.
Ever heard of confirmation bias? It’s what happens when we remember things that confirm our already-held notions more than we remember things that contradict those notions. So if you leave your house with the assumption that Florida is full of shallow idiots, you’re only going to pay attention to the shallow idiots you encounter (as your mind goes “See??! See?! I was right!”) and won’t take notice of the people who don’t fit your expectations. I get the feeling from your letter that when you meet new people, you treat them like you suspect they’re all blow-up dolls and you’re just looking for the air valve to prove it.
Also, no one is perfect. I’m sure even your Boston Friends do or say things that make you roll your eyes. My very best girl friend is chronically running late – but instead of getting mad at her, we just laugh and call that “Danielle Standard Time.” Her interests and mine were pretty different when we first started being friends, and over time, they’ve bled into one another, which I can only appreciate! It’s because of her that I took up pole dancing for fitness and got in great shape, and because of her that I now know I like wine (she is a sommelier and got me to develop my taste for wine by bringing lots over to my place whenever she visited), and because of her that I am now a total Doctor Who and Star Trek fan. And I love her for it. I value everything she’s brought to my life, even if I do have to add some padding to our plans to make up for her running late.
Most important to remember, though, is that YOU too have flaws, flaws that you would expect a good friend to overlook. So instead of running like the wind the moment someone says something to piss you off, ask yourself… “If one of my Boston Friends said that, would we immediately stop being friends?” If it’s not a total dealbreaker in your existing friendships, it shouldn’t be a total dealbreaker for a new person.
This is all excellent! The LW’s Boston friends aren’t perfect, of course, but shared experiences growing up and the fact that they’ve known each other for so long can make it easier to put them on a pedestal. I think most adults find it more difficult to make friends as grown ups, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s crucial to keep an open mind! One of my dearest friends is someone that teenage me never would have been friends with, but she’s basically the best thing that’s ever happened to adult me.
I think Wendy’s advice was really spot on.
I don’t want to get to hard on you LW, because its clear you’re lonely, isolated, and to an extent, homesick for your own people. I get it, I’ve been there.
But Wendy is very right, you will never find a friend (much less multiple friends) who are going to meet every single checkmark in your list. I bet if you weren’t already friends with your Boston friends, they’d fail too. Our friends don’t need to be our everything. No one person should be our everything. If you find someone you connect with on just one shared interest, that’s enough. If they like to party, then you have someone to go out with once in a while. If you want deep intellectual conversations, find an outlet for that and hang out with those people in that capacity.
Connect with people on your shared interests, and let all the other stuff slide. Friends don’t need to be our everything.
Huh…I saw the title and thought “maybe I’m not the only one who kissed a guy who then started masturbating without warning”. Nope, just a pretentious woe-is-me letter.
Honestly though, stop expecting one person to meet all your needs. Have friends you can have fun with and talk about superficial things. Have friends you have deep conversations with. Have friends you talk to all the time and ones you see every so often. And don’t judge someone as superficial until you know them better. Some people take longer to open up and the “superficial boy crazy whores” are just putting up a barrier.
Yeah, I read the 1st couple of paragraphs wondering when she was going to get to the “he took IT out” guys. 🙂
I wish I had a dick just so I could pull it out in uncomfortable situations. And pee anywhere. Like out the window while driving.
Sometimes when my massive cleaving is showing too much, it makes my boyfriend worry about other dudes checking out my huge boobs. I tell him to MYOB, so now if I have a low cut shirt it, he’ll walk into the room with a little bit of ball showing through his zipper. Its gross and hilarious all at once.
ps sadly, I’m lying about the massive boobs part…
You are on fire lately. Don’t disappear. I enjoy Lol-ing at your comments all day so I can avoid working.
And your 2nd paragraph: I´m one of those people that comes off one way, and once I warm up (I´m very shy) I often surprise people. I have been told SO many times that someone thought I was snobby/shallow/standoffish/whatever at first.
WWS (again). Come on, Wendy, fuck up a little so we can disagree with you.
HEY YOU GUYSSSS….. Last night there was a free symphony in the park – I think it’s an every-Wednesday thing at the Pritzker Pavilion in Millenium Park in Chicago all summer long. (Seriously, summers in Chicago are THE BEST). Anyhoo, I went with a big group of friends for a friend’s birthday. I drank a whole bottle of wine. And then some more wine. I think we averaged at least 1 bottle per person. And I tackled a girl. She started it by sitting on me. And then I tackled her when she got up. And then we rolled around a bit.
All this to say: LW, I’m not saying you need to go be friends with EVERYONE and their brother (but yes you do if the brother is good-looking), but you should try to appreciate your friends for what they offer, even if it’s just, for example, someone to wrestle with on a Wednesday night after lots of drinking. In my case, no one else would have tackled that girl, so I hope she appreciates what I bring to the friendship. I’d hate for her to dump me because, for example, I can’t get through today’s Supreme Court ruling without falling asleep to save my life. (Side note, horray for today’s ruling! I’ll be able to tell you exactly what it means… later.)
I’m still a little drunk. First week back to work without daytime dearwendying is off to a GREAT start.
Someones been watching too many lesbian pornos…
Like this comment!
You know what, I get along with women so well that I think I’d be a really successful lesbian. I wonder if my poor track record with men has something to do with me being a repressed lesbian. I did enjoy tackling that woman. And if I do say so I think she enjoyed getting tackled by me. Hmm.
Hahaha if only it worked like that. I get along really well with men, but I don’t want to bone them.
I actually had a conversation with my GF (who’s bi) about how someone was saying that everyone is bi, and in response, she showed me a picture of a gorgeous shirtless man and asked me what my reaction was. When I said, “I mean, he has a nice body” she was like “Yup, you’re not bi. That definitely wasn’t my reaction.” So all you have to do to test that, AP, is look at scantily clad pictures of gorgeous women and gauge your reaction.
Well, to be honest, I look at women more. Like, when I flip through magazines and whatnot, I’m always checking out the women. I’m not sure I want to have sex with them, but I kind of do if they are Tina Fey, Meryl Streep, Julianna Moore, Cate Blanchett, … Nancy Botwin, Alicia Florrick… and people like that because I find them incredible cool, sexy, smart, and awesome. What does this mean? But then I had that dumbass neighbor that I really liked having sex with but didn’t want to talk to. Can I have sex with men but then have emotional relationships with women?
Basically I want sister wives. I think that’s it. I’m a polygamist at heart.
But do you get turned on? Bare man-chests just don’t do it for me. Bare lady-chests, though? Different story.
Christy, have you never read a deleted thread before?!?! I’m freaking out over here!
I have to give up after about 300 comments usually. So I’m totally lost, LBH. Sorry!
Some people, not naming names, confessed to solely watching lesbian porn while thinking they are straight.
I watch gay man porn more than I watch straight porn. It’s not necessarily about the genitalia with porn. I know a lot of people prefer same-sex porn because of 1 the equality between the two actors and 2 not feeling like women are being oppressed by the industry.
Now that y’all know too much about my porn habits…
I prefer lesbian porn too.
Funny to think of it that way. I’m bi too – I’m more inclined to be attracted to women in pictures and porn and stuff, but more likely to actually sleep with a guy. Although I wonder if that pattern might be different if I’d ever been single long enough to actually pursue women (I married my high school sweetheart so I didn’t really get a chance to explore much). As it is now, I live my real life as a heterosexual and nurture an active homosexual fantasy life. It suits both “sides” of my sexuality pretty well. But I’m not sure how I’d respond to your test, Christy!
If the hypothesis is that all people are bi, you’ve self-confirmed that. You don’t need to do that test.
But what does that mean for me Christy?!
And re: that test, if you show me a picture of a hot shirtless man… my gut reaction would be the same as yours. … I need something more, some connection, to get my excited. I mean, I had zero connection with my ex-neighbor that I had sex with for 9 months, but from the moment we met there was a lot of chemistry – but just physical. But if I had just seen a picture of him? Probably nothing.
Then you’re definitely a lesbian. 😛
I love how we’re all harassing the resident DW lesbian for lesbian tests. You’re the best Christy!
Hey, at least I’m doing the helpful tests as opposed to the joke tests that are so funny.
Do you own cargo shorts?
Do you have at least one hardware store’s phone number saved in your phone?
Did you basically cohabitate with your last partner after less than 3 months?
Do you wear your significant other’s clothes?
Are you occasionally self-righteous?
Then you might be a lesbian. (Actually, I wear my gf’s cargo shorts, fwiw. Two birds, one big gay stone.)
And if you laughed at my use of “gay stone,” then you’re definitely a lesbian. (Stone butch lesbian, for the uninitiated. Which neither of us is, btw.)
Well folks, I’d like to take this opportunity to come out and announce I am, in fact, a lesbian. I laughed way too hard at the big gay stone joke.
Ditto!
Completely unintentional.
Welcome to the club!
So, uh, Christy. You’re lookin mighty fine in that avatar…
Ditto!
Haha, sorry, I’m taken. Although I do love your avatar.
Gorgeous scantily clad women motivate me to go to the gym, because I WANT that figure too. If she’s shirtless, I’ll wonder what mine will look like after I have enhancement surgery (after I breastfeed my last kid, my gift to myself will be a boob job-wheter its a lift or a implant is tbd). What does that say about me?
Oh and I’ll often times try to pin point what products their makeup artist used in their makeup looks, and then try to determine how much and where photoshopping was done.
When its a Hot shirtless man, I picture him and myself having some fun 😉
Exactly! It’s an evaluation vs an attraction.
I actually really like that way of comparing reactions. Are you evaluating them or are you attracted to them?
Me too! Boob job after last kid is done breastfeeding is seriously on my wish list. The only thing that´s different is that it would be either lift or breast reduction. There is nothing else I would get surgery for, but that; hell yes.
My boss and his wife scheduled her boob job and his vasectomy together after they finished having kids.
Boob jobs scare the crap out of me. I´m pretty flat, and I´m sure once I finally wean my 2nd daughter my breasts aren´t going to be what they once were, but just the thought of going under the knife is enough to make me make the best of what I have.
The only time I´ve seriously considered one was during a breast cancer scare I had a couple of years ago, if I´d had to have a reconstruction I probably would have gone up a size or 2.
Lili – I think we are the same kind of I-like-staring-at-women people. I mean pretty women are really motivating. If I see a hott one out and about I’m like ugh I’m so lazy I should have worn more make-up today. Or man I need to get to the gym and quit eating, look how flat her stomach is! Except I also like lesbian porn.
Is there such thing as too many?
After you’re done reading it will you please e-mail me a case summary. It’s 65 pages long. I can’t do that on top of reading tax cases for my real life. It’s too much. And I’m slightly hungover as well. Ugh I need to go to the pool and read but I lost my pool key and every time I go and ask someone to let me in they look at me like I’m breaking and entering. My area is full of snotty old people.
Actually I will. I think I’m going to write an article about it …
I think I’m going read it when I fake sick to hang out by the pool.
My copy is still sitting on the printer down the hall and I can’t make myself get up to get it. 168 pages. But everyone is going to ask (my mom already emailed me asking what i think of it), so we kind of have to.
I think it’s a little weird to completely dump your friends because they aren’t intellectual enough for you. You enjoyed spending time with them, so why couldn’t you just make more friends who had your interests? The first problem, though, was forcing your groups of friends to hang out. I don’t mind meeting a friend or two when I’m visiting someone or they have visitors, but it’s not particularly fun. I want to hang out with the people I made friends with, not strangers who are going to be gone in a couple days anyway.
I’m not even sure what you mean by “weirdos,” except that the people you meet aren’t people you want to be friends with. I’m sure being in a long-term relationship has closed you off at least a little from making friends, as it does naturally. And if you give off a judgmental vibe, then you might be scaring off the nice, normal people anyway.
This reminds me of several things. First, an old educational film from 1958 called The Snob. “The snob. Hurting everyone. Herself. Her parents. Her friends. Other people.” The protagonist in the film is very self-involved and doesn’t have time for people who aren’t study worms like her. At the same time she resents the students at her school that are carefree and enjoying life, and have an easier time getting better grades than her. No one likes her and even when they give her a chance, she isn’t capable of returning the favor.
I’m also reminded of a LW from way back that came across as so bitter about being lonely and not having a boyfriend. She was so caught up in not having friendship/romance in her life that she blew off people and judged them without knowing them. All guys wanted, according to her, were good looking shallow women. She never once stopped to consider how she was projecting herself to others and that her attitude, more than her looks, was a major turn off.
I mention those things because I was the same way. I never had a best friend growing up and I desperately wanted one (and still do). Sure, I met a lot of people and I had some varying degrees of friendship with many of them. But for the longest time I didn’t stop to consider people who weren’t like me. The shallow people, or weirdos as LW calls them, were nice enough but all I could focus on was the superficial things about their lives. It took some time to realize that -I- was the superficial one and not them.
I’ll be blunt here. I appreciate being able to hold serious discussions, full of depth and intellect. But focusing on just that makes LW comes off as somewhat pretentious. And pretentious people are a major turn-off for me. I do believe there are basic standards we should uphold people in our lives to. However, setting high unattainable standards is really just putting up a wall between you and others. You’re not just weeding out the weirdos but everyone else as well.
“Good looking shallow women” that dress like sluts, don´t forget.
We should add that letter to the list we´d like updates from.
Yes! I remember that one!
Took me awhile but I found it. My reading of the letter was a bit clouded from the passage of time but the message about needing an attitude adjustment still rings true.
https://dearwendy.com/i-have-a-birth-defect-and-cant-get-a-date/
Well said!!
That is all. 🙂
Oh, some more practical advice LW, if you really are sad about this . . .
Check out http://www.meetup.com. Especially if you live in a bigger Florida city. After moving to Chicago, I fostered two different groups of friends by going to a meetup. One was a book club, and three of my best buds are from that. Another was a general getting to know you meetup and I have a couple other girfriends from that. There is meetups for all sorts of things, so you can surely find like minded people.
I also need to echo AP. Chicago in the summer rocks! Permanent smile from June (this year anyway) until November.
you guys, seriously, when there are 116 comments and im this busy i cant keep up.
please limit yourself when you know i am busy. this is kind of a personal insult….
Sorry Katie! I’ll surmise the comments in a nutshell: Some commentators think the LW is the problem, some say its the college town part of FL. Some say its hard to make friends.
Now for the real fun comments that have nothing to do with the letter: Christy’s giving us a bi test and we’re all responding-I think AP is THIS close to coming out. Some stuff about the new healthcare thing that passed this am and how mostly everyone’s too busy to read it all and we don’t know waht it all is, so we’re picking emotions to feel about it. Addie said she’s h appy (not sure why though) so I’m going with that as well.
Ok, I hope that was a concise summary!
Don’t work too hard 😉
Omg what would I do without you Lili!
Yikes. The LW sounds like a judgmental bitch. Seriously. Okay then, I guess, enjoy being alone. Forever. NEWSFLASH: LW, you probably aren’t nearly as deep or intellectual as you think you are. You want some proof? Just go read your own freaking letter… You certainly don’t know how to act older than 11.
LW, I’ve totally been in your position. It’s hard to find a balance with friends. And it’s hard, when you’ve got good lifelong friends, to realize that often, friendships serve different purposes and come at different depths. It’s not wrong to cut away people that make you unhappy, but it’s wrong to stop trying after you have.
Compassion is a learned trait, it’s not something we come by naturally, so I think perhaps you should practice it. When someone new doesn’t meet your expectations or disagrees with you that first time, take a deep breath and try again. Sure, sometimes it won’t work out, but sometimes, you may discover new depths to a person.
I also think maybe you should look in different places for friends. I mean, I don’t know what your strategies are, but building adult friendships isn’t all that different from dating. You have to go places where people like you are. And you have to have those first few awkward interactions before you know if things mesh or not. But don’t give up.
And like I said up above, maybe the problem isn’t people. Maybe you’re really unhappy in Florida, so happy Floridians make you rage. Find something you like about the place, and maybe it’ll make it easier to find something you like about the people. It’ll also make it easier for you to connect if you stop blaming location, since, like I said above, you won’t be insulting someone’s home the whole time you’re trying to forge a connection.
I suppose I would consider myself artsy and “intellectual.” However, I have some friends who are more “fun” types who might not necessarily enjoy discussing art or independent films, etc. Some of them are drop-dead gorgeous and place a lot of importance on their appearance. And I see all of them as being valuable, wonderful, interesting people. Some of them have pulled me through some really awful times. Conversely, I have had some more cerebral-types in my life who were intensely cruel and awful people. There’s just no way to judge who is going to make a good friend and who isn’t by personal interests alone. People will always surprise you. Try to include all types of people in your life, as things get very boring when they’re all the same.
LW, I wonder why you got to the point in your life where you put people in these boxes so quickly that are so inflexible. Apparently you do enjoy partying and talking about boys on some level, because you *did* like these people at some point. You also like intellectual conversations, obviously. And if your Florida friends are truly shallow, as in, they judge others based on appearance only, or they shun people who don’t enjoy the exact same things they do, then yeah, maybe you’re better off without them. However, maybe they’re every bit as three-dimensional as you are. Or maybe they’re not, and as long as they’re not cruel or hurtful to themselves, there’s nothing wrong with living in a way that makes them happy.
I have friends that I party with. I have friends with whom I can have long, intense, intelligent conversations. But my very closest friends? They enjoy as huge a variety of things as I do. And it took awhile to discover that about them. I moved a lot, and you may have fallen into the trap that I did for a bit, that you make these quick snap judgments about people because you’re the new kid and you need friends NOW. But it isn’t necessarily the best way to discover how complicated and multi-faceted and fascinating people can be.
A few years ago, I met the new girlfriend of a friend of mine. Blonde, plastic-surgery pretty, former stripper, initially sort of dopey, Lisa really irritated me at first. But her boyfriend was part of my core group of friends, so I had to hang out with her. And then I discovered that she’s one of the kindest, most generous, genuinely good people I’ve ever met. I’m so grateful for that lesson because I love Lisa dearly now and look forward to getting to see her. Is she ever going to join MENSA? No way. But as far as people to have in my corner, I couldn’t ask for a sweeter friend. And she is fortunately far less judgmental than I am and forgave me for being a total snobby bitch when we met.
So when you’re making new friends, remember that you aren’t the only one with mulitple interests. But it does take time to discover these things, and if you’re constantly writing people off, you’re never going to see those hidden sides.
That thing about Lisa sounds like a letter from here, hmm…
You’re so smart JK! The younger gf one.
Ooh, good detective work
Actually, no. Lisa’s a few years older than I am and initially comes across as a Real Housewife, just with less money. Fortunately, I have a good angel on my shoulder in the form of a girl from the same group of friends as Lisa and her boyfriend who encouraged me to get to know her better.
I´m glad I was wrong, I think we were a bit mean to that LW. 🙂
LW, this one’s for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB-wmOYelnM
You are Florida’s Sam the Eagle.
On a more serious note, scale back your expectations of your friends and try to focus on the positive in everyone you meet. You’ll find the more accepting your energy is, the easier it will be to find friends who are a good fit. And there’s nothing wrong with having concentric circles of connections with people. Some friends are on the periphery, but so what? It sounds to me like you might have realized something akin to, “Aha, I am an introvert!” You might crave more substantive friendships like those you enjoyed in Boston because you are energized by intimate groups of one, two, or three people. Look into introversion books and see if it sounds like you. It might be a place to start. That being said, be patient – deep connections sometimes emerge with people you don’t anticipate having much in common with.
I was forced to move from NYC to “the burbs”. Conversations went from deeply intellectual and spiritual to cleaning out closets,contractors and where to buy your meat. I get it. But I chose my friends because they have good hearts. And after we bonded, I started steering the conversation to topics that interest me.These people are brighter and have more depth than they let on. And the more I really get to know them, the more I love them. Hope that helps.
The author of this article is not shallow, airheaded, superficial, etc. She is right on in her viewpoint and that not only goes for Florida, but for CA as well. I hope she didn’t listen to the horrible comments the article said about her. It sounds to me like she is more mature than most of the people she is coming into contact with. Florida and CA are both known for their party, fun-sunloving lifestyles. Both are full of resorts and many people flock to both areas because of the warm climate.
It sounds to me like she had some great friends in Boston. Maybe she should move back there. I would like to meet more people like her and the friends she speaks about. Maybe I will move to Boston too!
Unfortunately, today our society is very materialistic, and the land of entitlement. I am glad to see this 27 yr old woman sees the difference and has chosen to keep her morals, common sense and better judgement. She will make a great mom, wife and employee. You go girl! I bet your parents are proud of you. I am and I don’t even know you. Hang in there. There are still some normal people out there, you just have to continue to search them out..
This is exactly why I do not ask for someones advice, if the person has integrity then you will get an honest answer, tact is best used when delivering bad news; as a former advice column writer I should know.
As a former advice column writer you’d see this is from 2012.
Lol, “former advice column writer.” Whatcha doin now, toots?
LW, please move to Boston, than, you see if you or if the location is the problem! How much actual time do you have to devote to these friendships, after work, commute, study, boyfriend, family, etc? How many friends do you need to make you happy.? Do you want to explore new hobbies and maybe make friends there – online and offline. How many times do you want to out a week, where do you want to go? What have you tried, we haven’t heard from you on this. And I agree with everyone else, it is harder to make friends when you are an adult, particularly as there is so much more things competing for your time.