“I Can’t Get Over That My Wife Had Sex Before We Met”
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From a LW:
I’m married for six months with the girl of my dreams that I have been dating for seven years before that and we have been living together for over 5 years but I’m unhappy.
I don’t know how to describe this, neither have I ever told someone this except my shrink (who kind of sayd it “the mans man way of doing”, and just noded his head, which left me with a lot of ?????? over my head) so please, before You judge me like every article I read about it or every women I started to even have a glimpse of conversation about it ( starting with “I have a friend”) or even man please hear me out.
I have slept with only my wife in my life, and she has slept with a few men before me. I was 21, and she was 24 when we met, and I fell in love immediatelly. But the problem is I just can’t get over the fact that I didn’t have a sexlife before her, and she did before me. And no matter what I try that pain won’t go away, it just gets bigger and bigger, like a hole that I can’t patch up no matter what. We are expecting a child, and I am so happy, and can’t wait to be a father but i just can’t bypass that pain. it’s been nagging me for over seven years now, a little after we started dating. I love that woman but I just can’t….I feel like a boy who’s trapped with a grown women. I never felt like “The One” no matter how hard I tried.
Please spare me the “You neanderthal, male showinist and insecure pathetic little boy You”, “It’s not Your buisness, it doesn’t concern You, You are judging her”, and all that. I bite my tongue so many times during our relationship, and marriage not to tell her that, so she doensn’t feel uncomfortable, and judged. I don’t know if Your blog is related more to women than men, but I would appreciate it if You would at least send me something.Get therapy because you have insane jealousy issues. Also grow up. The Word (not even hers) did not begin and end with you. You may not want to hear that your views are wrong, chauvinist, etc. but they are. Continue to bite your tongue. She is a woman not the Virgin Mary.
if you can’t get passed that fact, then you definitely need therapy – because there’s something else bothering you. I can’t imagine a sane person being THAT upset about someone having sex before them if everything is OK in the relationship. Unfortunately it also sounds like you were having issues with it before you got married, but got married anyway – which you should have dealt with before you got married.
go see a therapist.
I think you should ask your therapist what he meant by that because frankly I have no idea. I think so much of this has to do with the fact that you haven’t gone through the process of being intimate with someone and then moving on because once you’ve done it you realize there’s no great mystery. I’m assuming that while you didn’t sleep with another woman other than your wife you kissed a few. Try to think of it like that–you went out with them, did something physically enjoyable (or maybe not), and when it was over they may have taken up some space in your head but after awhile they’re no more than a passing thought now and again (if even that). If what pains you is a feeling of missing out…well…you may have missed some things but you also managed to take a shortcut to love, marriage, and a host of other things that are ultimately pretty great.
Oh something else that stuck out was you feeling like you’re a boy and she’s a grownup because she had some sexual experiences you didn’t. Having sex doesn’t make you a grownup. Being a decent, responsible person who holds himself to high standards is a much better benchmark.
Your therapist just said “its the man’s way” and nothing else? I think the first thing you need is a new therapist!
I’m confused what all the problem even is, there seems to be a mixture of multiple issues. Is it that you are less sexually experienced than her/never had the chance to sow your wild oats? Or is it that she did have another sexual partner besides you (8 years ago) and you have this desire for a madonna/virginal wife who never had another sex partner? And what’s this “The One” business? Do you think she’s still hung up on her ex?
If the first or third, I would suggest opening up to her about it and really discussing it. If you need to experience another woman to feel like you measure up, well, there are ways to do that. If you feel like she doesn’t love you or is hung up on her ex, that’s about way more than just her not being a virgin when you met, its about your current relationship not feeling secure enough for you.
But if the problem is wanting a virgin, you need to face facts. You couldn’t find yourself a virgin at 21, the odds of finding a virgin at 28/29 as a divorced man with a kid are WAY less. Your pool of virgins is basically evaporated. Heck, the pool of women you can reasonably date who only had ONE sexual partner before you is probably dry as well. People have pasts, and as they get older, they have even more in their past. I don’t really know how to help men who place such a high premium on virginity over the fact that SHE CHOSE YOU to marry and have a baby with. Maybe you’ll never be happy with her, but you won’t find what you’re looking for elsewhere either.
I agree with all of the advice above, including get a better & different therapist as that just sounds like someone with no training. Now, I think you need to think of this differently. You’re like apple pie. She had a few other pies before you, but you’re her perfect apple pie. It tastes & smells divine, & she returns to it day in & day out. Would prefer her to not knowingly made that choice? You can’t reverse time or knowledge. You on the other hand found your favorite pie immediately, good. It’s rare that it happens, but it did. Now, you need to return to therapy & get over it, or it will ruin your marriage.
I agree with finding a different therapist. It doesn’t sound like you feel you can question what the current one says to understand what they are saying.
If you can’t comfortably ask your therapist to explain what they are saying and you feel like a boy with a woman do you often feel like a boy in a man’s world?
Many people would consider you lucky for finding lasting love with your first sex partner. That’s pretty rare. Would it help if you looked at yourself as lucky rather than a boy married to a woman. Does it help to realize that your wife chose you instead of moving on to someone else. If you don’t feel like you were “the one” for your wife is that because she doesn’t make you feel valued? Do you feel that you come second or third or fourth in her priorities? Do you feel she doesn’t think about you or listen to you? Do you feel you can’t depend on her?
As someone else said it isn’t your number of sex partners that makes you a man. You are a man if you can support yourself and your family. You’re a man if you are emotionally supportive of your wife and your child. You are a man if they can rely on you to be there when needed. You are a man if you can see beyond yourself with empathy and love and concern.
You need to figure out why you feel the way you do and then you can begin to address the underlying issues.
You both had LOTS of experiences before you met each other, I’m sure. You’ve traveled to different places. You’ve eaten different foods. You’ve been to different concerts and seen different movies. None of that takes away from anything that you’re experiencing TOGETHER. She chose to spend her life with YOU and start a family with YOU so clearly, whoever came before you was not as special. You need to let it go. Anything that happened in her past before she met you is part of what made her who she is, and that’s the woman you fell in love with. So let it go, before you ruin what you have NOW because of something that happened before you even met.
So why did you get married, or stick around for 7 years? Just trying to put yourself through misery? Seriously it was that big of a deal you never should have made it this far.
You need a different therapist, because something like how much sex someone has doesn’t determine how grown up they are, or how much of a man one person is. This all on you my friend so either figure out away around it or go your separate ways, and have joint custody. Your next problem will be finding another girl who hasn’t slept with anyone yet, and then telling her that you have, and have a kid, so your values really won’t match up either.
You should definitely get a new therapist. This one is useless, or at least, you don’t understand him, which means it’s not a good fit. With a new therapist, you can work through what’s bothering you (and maybe pinpoint what you need to talk about with your wife). Obviously, she can’t change her past and neither can you. But maybe there’s something else there you CAN talk about to feel more like “a grownup” or whatever. Chuck your therapist and get a new one who doesn’t dismiss something that’s been bugging you for years with a vague sentence.
I’m with Skyblossom – she chose you. Whatever she experienced with anyone else, intimate or not, it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted you. So get your head out from between your ass cheeks and realize that sex isn’t the end all be all of a relationship. She had conversations and snuggles and dinners and fights with other people. She cried with and laughed with and danced with other people. Those experiences don’t diminish her experience with you. She doesn’t spend her time thinking “Hmmm, I wonder how Harvey’s dick is today? I miss that dick. Sure was a nice dick.”
Maybe having a baby is making you grieve about all the boobs you didn’t touch and all the women you didn’t screw. Get over it. Seriously. Go get a step ladder and Get. Over. It.
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