Updates: “Left off the Guest List” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Left of the Guest List,” a guy who was peeved about not being invited to his girlfriend’s daughter’s wedding. Keep reading to see if things were resolved.
My girlfriend and I finally had our discussion about why I was left off of the guest list to her daughter’s wedding. It was not an easy discussion. She thought I had no interest in going to her daughter’s wedding. I asked her “what made her come to that conclusion.” I told her that I was hurt by not even being asked or told I wasn’t invited. She did apologize for her not even asking if I wanted to go. It was a very hard discussion to have, and by the time we had it, it was too late for me to attend because I could not get the time off work on such short notice.
It still hurts when I think about it, but I am trying to get a handle on it. I do think we cleared the air. I did tell her that if I “didn’t care” it wouldn’t hurt. But it did hurt because I do care. I do hope and believe in time I will get over it because I care a great deal for her. Thank you again for your advice. Without it I probably never would have said anything and it could have had a bad ending.
Thanks for the update. Best of luck to you both — and to the bride.
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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HMM I still think it sounds weird— why would she just assume you wouldn’t want to go? Severe lack of communication there… is it possible she was evading the whole thing due to some other reason? I’m glad you two spoke, but yeah, good luck with everything.
Very weird. And why wait til its too late to discuss him going?
Anddd, why still behurt if she presumably said he can go?
I’m thinking he probably mentioned it like riiight before the wedding. Like, she’s packing up and getting excited about it and he felt too hurt and had to say something.
I’m thinking they have only been dating for less than 3 months and she is just DATING him. Why would she want to bring to him an event where his picture is going to be taken and live in the daughters photo albums forever?
the girlfriend’s response sounds like a cop out “oh i thought you wouldn’t want to go”….if you are in a committed, long term relationship isn’t it just understood that you would be included?…wouldn’t you be included in all major family events (christmas, other family get togethers)….it sounds like the girlfriend might not think the relationship is substantial enough to include the LW in her family events either because the relationship isn’t to that point yet, or possibly never will be?
My thoughts exactly.
I am unclear as to whether it is long term or not. In his original letter he doesn’t really mention how long they’ve been together, only that the daughter has been engaged for 3 years. Maybe I misunderstood the letter.
yes, thats what i thought when i first read the original letter….it depends on how long they have been together…..that information would make a huge difference in whether or not it is normal to exclude him
i just cant imagine being in a relationship a connection and communication so far gone that this would even happen….
unless you were dating someone for a month.
Did we see this update before or am I just psychic?
I think we both have ESP 🙂
It had been posted before, I guess accidentally— I also thought I was having deja vu, & then I saw my comment at the top (which I barely remember writing) from 9/12
No no no, LW, come back! I have more questions. So, after she said “oh, I thought you wouldn’t want to go,” what did you say? I assume, “why would you think that?” Then what did she say? Then what did you say? Aslo, when did you find out about the wedding? And then when did you find out you weren’t invited? And then how long before you said something? I just need a full time-line, with lots of details. Please come baaaaack!
Um. Why even bother having the discussion if its truly too late for You to attend? And how annoying this update didn’t clarify if you were lesbians or not. As frankly only then does any of this make much sense….
I feel like this situation is another one that could have just been avoided by talking. Not by sitting down and having a “discussion” about it, but literally just TALK to your partner in every day life.
How is it that this subject never came up before? Did you ask her how the plans for the wedding were coming along? How did the date of the wedding never get mentioned? If she didn’t mention it why didn’t you ask? No wonder she thought you didn’t want to go.
Wait, wait, wait… you’re saying I should TALK to my partner? Like, every day? I don’t know if that works for me. I would rather bottle everything up until all the little things becomes a big thing and then I can blow up.
Yes, what’s with this talking nonsense? I’d rather feel disrespected in silence, cheat and then blame them.
I didn’t understand that when I read the original letter either…like how in the world did this NOT come up until it was “too late to attend”. It makes no sense. What do you talk about if the daughters wedding NEVER came up? Do y’all never talk about the daughter? There was never a moment where you thought to say out loud “I’m really looking forward to her wedding!” or something like that. I don’t get how something so MAJOR as the wedding of a child wasn’t discussed like weekly- even just “hey met the florist! Man flowers are pricey!”
Talk people.
yea, this is what i meant in my comment, not so much that good relationship communication would be so far gone- literal, actual, day to day communication would be so far gone.
how did none of this come up? i just dont get it.
OP described his (or her) relationship with the daughter as “cordial” which is kind of a weird word to use so maybe she just doesn’t like him (or her) and had no issue being rude and not wanting to send an invite. From all of the wedding angst posts that show up I could see that being something the mom would go along with to not ruffle any feathers.
Yeah, if at some point, he’d just been like, “Oh, am I invited to the wedding? Just wanted to check,” then it wouldn’t have required a discussion and wouldn’t have happened so late that he couldn’t take off work.
My only way to make sense of this scenario, that a relationship could possibly exist where the communication is so poor is, that, perhaps the LW habitually goes on and on about “how he doesn’t believe in marriage, weddings are bullshit and overpriced, how he hates getting dressed up, and it’s just a piece of paper, anyway”…. if he has even hinted that this is part of his worldview (and this was common to a lot of Boomers when they were hippies), then and only then can I see how “she didn’t think he would want to go”. Otherwise, I call total BS and fishiness on LW’s GF’s part!
My college BF was like that back in the day… Long hair, birkenstocks and ev-er-y-thang! Actually he still looks like that, but he got married eventually (to someone else, thankfully!)
Maybe the LW assumed they were invited to the wedding and when they realised that might not be true, they stewed too long. I agree communication is severely lacking here but is that a possible explanation? And like @meelomilo said, the use of the word ‘cordial’ to describe the LW’s relationship with the daughter… well that seemed like an odd turn of phrase to me as well.
Maybe the LW’s lady friend explained why she thought he didn’t want to go, so take this with a grain of salt. But my friend had a similar situation where she was going out of town and the guy she was seeing asked if someone was cat-sitting for her, and she said no. He got super confused and was like, “Wait, why didn’t you ask me?” and she said it never occurred to her that they had gotten to that point where she was supposed to ask him to cat-sit for her. Mostly because he took days to respond to her emails and wouldn’t make weekend plans with her until the night before.
Obviously the LW and his girlfriend are more serious than that, but sometimes you have to look at what vibe you give off if someone makes a wrong assumption about what you might want.