“Am I Just His Booty Call?
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss how to know when you’re just a booty call, dealing with his next door ex, and …well, just keep reading.
I think you got your answer pretty loud and clear, my dear.
The apartment, while fantastic and affordable and dog friendly has a drawback. It’s a duplex and my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend lives on the other side. They dated in high school, sort of tried to make it work a year or two after and once drunkenly slept together at a party a summer or two ago. So they’ve been broken up a while and I like her well enough and I love my boyfriend, but do I really want to live next to her? Sometimes I’m more uncomfortable around her than other times but it’s always a tiny bit weird.
My boyfriend thinks living in this apartment together is a good stepping stone, and while I agree with him, part of me really doesn’t like his ex being next door. — Ex Neighbor
Your boyfriend’s ex is going to live in the apartment next door to him whether you live with your boyfriend or not, so decide whether you have a problem with her living next door to your boyfriend or her living next door to you. If it’s the former, that’s kind of out of your control unless you want to suggest your boyfriend move, which I’m sure won’t go over very well, and if it’s the latter, then don’t move in next door to her.
what you enjoy most of all sexually….and just as much as you want to. — Waiting to Hear Back
No.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
LW3 Have you never heard of inappropriate?
I wonder if Wendy gets many letters like this.
Yulch. LW3 is scary. I hope Wendy doesn’t attract too many crazy people. That’s what scares me most about blogging and putting your identity out there. Though, it’s inspiring me to write something about an experience I had with a crazy stalker. I’m not sure how he found me but he stalked me at work for about a year – my firm hired a private investigator to figure out who he was and for a brief while had security escort me around (weird!). Anyway, I’ll tell you guys about that sometime. The stalker is in jail right now. It’s such a weird story though that you probably won’t believe me.
Yikes! That’s really scary, Addie. Will you be told when he is released?
I should. The detective I correspond with is really great and responsive and he keeps me up-to-date. In fact we exchanged emails yesterday about the guy. Other people assigned to the case since he first was sent to jail/mental institution in 2007 have been not so helpful.
Is the detective single? Can you imagine what a great “how we met” story that would make? 🙂
And that stalker experience must have been so scary. I remember when I was 16 some guy in my music class became kind of obsessed with me, he even “carved” my name into his arm, was ringing my house at all hours. I was freaking out, so my sister (black belt in karate) threatened him. And yours sounds a lot more hardcore than that!
I’ve read that exact plot in SOO many romance novels!! 😀
It reminds me of a movie, can´t think which one though. That Meg Ryan one where she was trying to be more dark? And before getting all that scary plastic surgery?
When he gets out, find out who his probation officer is, if you can. I know that you’re a lawyer, but having worked in domestic violence, that’s the one thing many women forget to do, and one thing that can usually help. Good luck.
My daughter and I just finished reading Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms last night. Is that where you got your name?
That’s a good point, Temp. He was in jail and then got out – and I had the probation officer’s contact info. Then I got a letter from the guy (violation) so I called the officer and he didn’t work there anymore. And no one had been meeting weekly with the guy like they were supposed to, and the guy fled to Texas. Then he started stalking someone else. (Creepy factor: we all look alike, which is what confuses the guy. He thinks we are the reincarnation of someone from England who he needs to protects us from – nothing makes sense.) Anyway, it was a bit of a nightmare getting the police to act on the violation bc the violation was across state lines and bla bla bla. But finally this detective in Texas got on the case and he’s in jail for violating his probation re mycase. You don’t mess with Texas, I’ve learned.
He’s in *Texas*?! That’s even better! All the best romance novels are set in Texas.
Lets make it happen, s_d_g!
😀
Haha – I wonder if I’ll meet him. I didn’t have to testify in my case because he tok a guilty plea. Don’t know what will happen if/when he goes to trial in Texas! I really don’t want to testify because for 2 years now he has stopped mentioning me — so I’m hoping he forgot about me. Now, wayy back before we even knew who he was and I had that security, one of the police officers was HOT. I tried flirting but he was all professional. Also I may have sucked at flirting. That would’ve made a nice love story.
You could go to the trial all Audrey Hepburnish (big sunglasses, scarf over your hair) so the stalker doesn´t recognize you! Oh, and don´t forget the trench coat. We all know that with a trench coat nobody will recognize you.
I once had a mentally ill stalker who ALSO was trying to “protect” me from something. He thought that people were out to get him (the usual paranoid stuff), but also had it in his head that they would come after ME in order to get to HIM. You know, because he loved me so much and all.
How many guys like this are there?
How creepy. I hope he´s getting the treatment he obviously needs.
What kind of moron pisses off a lawyer unless they are one themselves or know a damn good one…??? Idiot. THey should have charged him with failure to produce proof of common sense in addition to stalking charges.
I got stuff like that within 12 hours of creating my (now defunct) profile on OKCupid. Weirdos abound.
I for one was hoping for some specific answers Wendy! I’m a little disappointed.
😉
bahahahhaha. that third one really cracks me up. The nerve of some people!
LW2-ugh…I’m about to tell you a story that I HATE but it was a part of my life. Before I met my boyfriend, he agreed to let his ex live in the basement of him and his roomates townhouse for her last semester of college (he lived on the second floor). It was completely stupid of him and a lesson that he needs to say “no” more often. Jump to a couple months later when I met him and we began dating. I trusted (and still trust) my boyfriend for nothing to go on, which was a big step for me but I just knew he wasn’t going to cheat on me. All thoughts aside about how I felt about the matter, I tried to go into it with a positive attitude and focus on the fact that the situation was only for 4 months. Even though she had a boyfriend she would be completely nasty to me every time I came over and constantly bring up their relationship even though they had broken up a year ago. After telling another one of her “remember when we did this together” stories, it took his roomate saying “Yeh, remember when you guys broke up” to get her to finally shut up. Only 2 months into the arrangement though my boyfriend just had it with her and told her off one night about her harassing him and me. She moved out the next day. I think the problem was that even though they didn’t want to be with each other, it’s still hard to see your ex with someone else. So your boyfriend may be over his ex, but it may be hard for her which could make things more complicated than necessary. Why not suggest that you and your boyfriend get a place of your own if you really think that moving in together is the right step for your relationship at this moment?
There’s two things I like about your comment “Only 2 months into the arrangement though my boyfriend just had it with her and told her off one night about her harassing him and me,” that I like. Number one it gives me the impression that your BF is not the quick to anger type, and number two that when push comes to shove he’s willing and able to stand up for his GF. Definitely two important traits to have.
Agreed.
Wendy, was the third one addressed specifically to you? Or was it one of those random porno-spam emails?
Oops – wait – I see the reference to the blog. That’s really creepy – I hope you don’t get too many of those…
LW3, a tad creepy don’t you think? Yet, I admit that I was curious as to what goes on between a man and a woman when they really like each other. When I was 8.
Ew ew ew LW3!
LW1 – forget him. Dont pretend you want to be friends either, you lasted perfectly well without him before, you will do again. So much drama could be avoided if people gave up on being instant-friends with people who treat them disrespectfully.
LW#1 – It sure sounds like you’re his booty call. The real question is, “Can you live with being JUST a booty call?” If you can’t, then find someone who won’t make you a booty call.
LW#2 – I’m assuming that the boyfriend’s ex was living next door when you started dating him. So why is she such a big deal now? Are you sure SHE is really the issue?
LW#3 – I think Wendy is already perfectly happy with the two main men in her life already. She doesn’t need you.
3 main men. Don’t forget Miles!
Ahaa wow. Great letters!
LW1: If you’re looking for a boyfriend, you really need to look anywhere but the club. If you’re looking to find a FWB or booty call at the club, be prepared to be treated as such.
LW2: You may love and trust your boyfriend, but the fact that this girl makes you uncomfortable says something. If you trust him to live next door to her and not cheat, then great! Now you can decide if you want to live with him based solely on your relationship with him, nothing to do with her.
If the thing that makes you uncomfortable is that he lives next to her and can see her all the time, then you need to figure out if you truly trust him. You don’t want to move in with him just to be closer to the situation to make sure he doesn’t cheat.
LW3: How embarrassing.
If a guy calls you his best friend and you aren’t actually best friends, he’s just sexin you up.
No one has ever tried to bed me by calling me his best friend. … Favorite person to eat and drink with? That works every time.
Yeah, doesn’t seem like they have made it past making out in his car either, As Drew would say on Pawns stars, so if you put everything together, this is most definitely not authentic!
and I mean he doesn’t like her like that, and doesn’t seem like he wants a FWB either.
Drew is my favorite autheticator on that show. He’s has dry humor much like Rick. I also loved Becker too, which is the same type of humor.
“making out in the car only” should be a HUGE tip-off that you are a booty call. Seriously, what are you guys 16? Why can’t you make out in…you know..his apartment/house/condo? +
It’s probably one of the following reasons:
a)he has a girlfriend already.
b)lives in his parents’ basement
c)has no respect for you
All three options pretty much yell ‘BOOTY CALL’ to me. But hey, you know that just maybe cause I have standards.
yeah,
disregard that last ‘yeah’ that was supposed to be deleted.
Making out in a car is only if you are on the way to one your respective places. He’s definitely hiding something from you, if all you do is makeout like high school kids.
Maybe they are in high school? I don’t know if that would make this letter better or worse…
And I can only imagine when she says they go out to eat, it’s at a drive-thru and they don’t even eat anything before parking somewhere.
Or he lives in his car.
LW3 should have come to the Chicago meetup last Saturday if he wanted to learn all *that*.
OMG… don’t give him/her any ideas!
Did…did LW3 just happen?!?!?! Seriously?!?
LW1: Sorry, girlie, but yes, he certainly doesn’t act like he sees you as more than a booty call. if he does, then he’s got a sh*tty way of showing it, and in either case, you deserve better.
LW2: Is the weirdness because you both know that you’re the new her? I think that you should first consider whether you think moving in with your bf is a good step for you two (which it sounds like you have), moving into that specific house is a good idea (also sounds like you have), and whether or not having her downstairs will bother you. If you really think about it and the weirdness is just awkwardness, maybe take baby steps to hanging out with her and building a friendship/acquaintanceship between you two that is based on you and her rather than her being the ex?
LW3: you give me the heebie jeebies. Seriously?!
LW3- Ewe! What the hell is wrong with people. And I like how he sent an email, and then a follow up the next day, because persistence is charming! Seriously, how do grown adults think this type of behavior is appropriate?
LW1: I’m sure he “likes” you well enough, but you’re definitely a booty call. Seriously.
Also, he’s not actually thinking over your question (“Hmm…good question…maybe I actually LIKE THIS GIRL!!”) He was just trying to avoid answering… I hope that’s obvious.
LW2: It’s sounds like you and the girl are actually cool with each other, but you only get weirded out when you stop to think about it. If you want to live with your boyfriend again, I’d say to just go for it. It sounds like he’s the one who referred to it as a “stepping stone” so at least it’s not a permanent arrangement!
LW3: Hahahahaha wow.
LW1 never says they had sex. They sound like they’ve been dating for like two weeks….I say she should stop asking so many questions!
I don’t think they’ve been dating. I think they’ve been making out, with him sketchily calling her his “best friend.” Asking if he likes her and whether she is a booty call is a reasonable question at this point, I think.
Same thought!!!
You aren’t a “booty call” if there is no booty! Barely a FWB.
And after a couple weeks, you aren’t his “best friend,” unless he is sorely lacking in any personal relationships.
You are two people who makeout. He’s your pg-13 lover.
Though, taking a more nuanced approach, way to give him all the power! A fair question (albeit it early and likely to end things) would be “Do you think/see this (is) going anywhere?” “Am I just a booty-call?” is just sad.
LW1, how are you even his best friend if all you do is make out in his car and you’ve only known him a few weeks? Does he call you all the time to tell you what’s going on his life? Does he ask you what’s going on in your life? Does he ask your opinion on important matters? Does he go to you for support and vice versa? Has he introduced you to his friends? Do you guys hang out in groups? Does he text you throughout the day to say he’s thinking about you or ask how you’re doing?
Seriously, we’ve said it here before. If a guy wants to be your boyfriend, he’ll act like your boyfriend. This guy ISN’T doing that. MOA!
LW 1: Simple rule to live by–if it looks like a booty call and feels like a booty call then you’re a booty call. Not hard to figure out.
LW2: I’m not sure what to tell you other than trust your gut. If you aren’t OK with living next to your bf’s ex then you probably have a very good subconscious reason for feeling that way. Also, that situation kinda seems like some drama waiting to happen.
LW3: Just yuck!!!!!!!Seriously. Eww. Go away.
Making out with a guy you just met in his car is really not a good idea. Does no one think of personal safety anymore? LW#3: Gross. I had a stalker experience too and it was a scary time in my life.
You said, “No,” but I know that just means you want me to try harder. I’ve just mailed you a lock of my hair, because I can tell you are interested now, and that’s the kind of thing you enjoy most of all, sexually. Your signals are so strong. I will be at the next Chicago meetup as Addie Pray has suggested (I know you told her to say that, because your inhibitions kicked in, and you were shy. That’s one of the things I would like to talk about). Your blog just turns me on and makes me want to do the things that men do to women they become very sexually interested in. I am anxious for our date, so we can talk about the things that we wonder about. Sexually. I want you, I want you to know I want you, and I want you to want me to want you. Do you? Let’s talk about it.
Forever and ever and ever.
And ever.
LW3
Damnit you beat me to it! I was going to create a fake LW3 account just to get everybody going.
You are awesome.
Nice one!
But seriously, LW3 kind of makes my skin crawl…
LW1: Yes. you are just a booty call & this guy sounds super intelligent. NOT
LW2: Sticky situation, idk if I could handle it, but that’s just me. Kudos to you if you are able to make it work, hopefully someone gives soon, whether it be your bf or the ex. If not, I say you just suck it up & move there. How often do you guys see/run into her anyway?
LW3: gross.
LW1: Yes, you are his booty call. If you don’t want to be, cut off all communication with him ASAP. Otherwise he’ll probably suck you back in.
LW2: I would be uncomfortable with my bf living next door to his ex, but that’s me. Are you OK with it? If you don’t want to move in, don’t move in, it’s that simple. Just talk to your bf about your concerns.
LW3: Really? Really, you thought that would work?
Wendy, if you get a lot of letters like LW3’s you should post some of them more often as they’re pretty amusing to read.
I, like LW 3, would like to know WHICH “hole” to put it in…and the acceptable rate at which the initial penetration is to occur.
OH come on Budj; why are you asking this? You’ve surely seen a porno or two before. You should know that the “best hole” to put it in if you want her to cum her brains out like 10 times is her butt and there’s *obviously* only one acceptable speed—the jackhammer speed. And just remember to do it in some really awkward and uncomfortable pose/place. That doing it in the bed stuff is just for chick flick movies. Sounds counterintuitive I know but it makes the porn girls cum in buckets so it *must* be true. And make sure you don’t spend any time with foreplay or lube, that stuff is just a waste of time. Yup. GL buddy.
COMMENT (thread) OF THE WEEK!
I heard that if you can fit your balls and shaft in the b-hole that it feels really good for her – would you care to elaborate?
I’m sorry but I can’t be a smart ass with this one. Do people seriously try to do this??? And ouch that sounds painful for the guy… WTH is wrong with some people?!?
Dear Wendy,
I snooped into my boyfriend’s browser history and saw that he likes to watch a lot of butt porn. I checked it out and it involved the man sticking the shaft and balls into her butt. I get frequent hemorrhoids so this act would be very painful for me. But should I still do it so that he won’t cheat on me? And do I bring it up and let him know I snooped on his browser history?
~Pain in the Butt
*On second thought, maybe I should’ve sent that letter to dan savage…
Dear Pain in the Butt,
First I’d like to congradulate you for your courage to snoop on your boyfriend’s computer. Most women today feel that this is an unacceptable violation of privacy but you are wise enough to see past this silly belief.
As for your question, yes you should absolutely do it anyway. Look what matters most in a relationship is making sure your man’s desires are completely satisfied. If this means you risk aggravating your hemorrhoids then that’s what it takes. Just remember that if you don’t give into this desire of your boyfriend hasn’t shared with you yet and he cheats on you—then it will be 100% your fault.
And yes you need to tell him you snooped on his computer. He will definitely be very flattered to learn that his girlfriend went snooping on his computer because it will show him just how much you love him.
I wish you the best of luck and remember that a little bit of lube goes a long way!
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter!
‘First I’d like to congradulate you for your courage to snoop on your boyfriend’s computer. Most women today feel that this is an unacceptable violation of privacy but you are wise enough to see past this silly belief.’
THANKS! This is what I’ve always said, but none of my exes agreed. They just called me crazy/psycho and a lot of horrible other mean words. Didn’t they know i was just LOOKING OUT FOR US.
I will def invest in a lot lube.
Hey, Lili, do you live in the DC/NOVA area? (Are those the same area?) I know a guy named Brad…
Yes Addie they’re pretty much the same thing. NOVA is all the areas surrounding DC which includes Alexandria, Fairfax, Arlington, Reston, Manassas, Chantilly, Vienna, etc.
LW3 is a creep with no game, has a skewd sense of boundries, and like many men, think that stupid talk like that is intriguing.
LW3: When a man and woman become interested in each other, they like to get to know each other. This is called dating. It involves (but is not limited to) dinners, drinks, conversation, the sharing of personal matters, and general adventuring. Feelings are had by all. There may be kissing, but not necessarily. It does not involve solely making out in cars (I’m lookin’ at you, LW1). Sometimes, the man and woman become VERY interested in each other. This is when they go into a bedroom, close the door, and make funny noises. Rumor has it they take off articles of clothing before making said noises. I believe this is called sex, but don’t quote me on it.
About LW1…I mean, is it really possible to be *best friends* with someone after only two weeks? As adults? That’s the kind of thing I’d have said about girls I met at summer camp in 5th grade. As adults, I would hope it’d take longer for someone to reach that status in your life. And if it DOES move that quickly…well, there’s a good chance this dude you’re making out in cars with is LW#3.
i totally agree about LW1. that was the first thing that i thought of, because i guess its just a known fact that if you meet someone in a club and then proceed to make out every time you see him, you are in fact a FWB. being “best friends” with that guy? thats weird!!
So we’re NOT BFFs after all?
The rules of the outside world do not apply to DW!
I have a male best friend… we have never made out. That’d be weird.
Exactly! (Unless they are your SO (of, you know, more than 2 weeks) and even then they are a different type of “best friend.”)
You get into a relationship with your best friend or your SO can become your best friend (That’s why they call them a bold: significant: bold other)… but you don’t become “best friends” by making out for two weeks. Sorry. You just don’t.
I think Wendy’s responses are spot on today. LW1’s dude is just giving her excuses. After a couple of weeks at best, it’s a little tough to believe this guy is really her “best friend.” Anyhow, he’s made it clear he doesn’t think as much of her as she does of him, and she should just move on.
LW3- whoa, just, whoa. Kind of creepy there, dude.
See, I don’t see it as an excuse; i see it as a stalling answer to a weird question. Let’s assume these kids are 20 (21 at most). guy meets a girl, has a nice convo, dances, kisses her. Calls her a couple of times, that week and the next — they hang out and then make out. Nothing so far indicates that he isn’t into her.
Then she asks him if they are just “booty calls.” In his head (if he were a girl), he’d be going: “Booty call? What is this girl talking about? I’ve barely made it to 3rd base, and that was over the pants.Its also been like at 5pm and 3pm on a saturday. And its been two weeks. I have leftovers in my fridge that are older than that. WFT? But I liked talking to her and she seems cool. Though possibly a little “crazy.” I liked that we were just hanging out and seeing where things led, though of course I’d like to bang her. Hmm banging her… not the point. I really have no idea what she’s talking about, but i’m definitly not supposed to answer yes to this question. but no means that we’d be in like a relationship or something.”
Outloud, he goes: “Good question.”
But he’s not a girl. He’s a guy. So in his head, he probably was thinking: “Booty call? WTF? Stall! But don’t say yes!”
Outloud: “Good question.”
You can meet good people at clubs. I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy but just because you met at a club or bar doesn’t mean that they aren’t a potential match.
I would have Miles respond to 3
LW#3 should have been a question for the guys to answer, or a your turn! When I first started reading it, I thought it was going to be the guy from the other day, Spencer or whatever his name is. You know the guy that thinks, that it is women’s fault men don’t get attention in school, and are stupid meanies.
sounds like she is a sad person looking to be liked…making out in his car after just meeting…crying bout if she is a booty call or fwb….missing the disrespect and the aswer
Ladies, ladies, ladies. Please remember that there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being a mere booty call.