“Am I Unlovable?”
I’m educated, employed, decent looking and I don’t suffer from mental illness — and I don’t have any cats. The guys I’ve been involved with have been pretty much my equals — I really wasn’t dating up or down. Am I unlovable for some reason? Am I destined to be the crazy old aunt who has only my siblings’ kids to fawn over? — Emerging Spinster
Hey, what do you have against cats? Seriously. Maybe you should get one. Over my 25 years as a cat mom – RIP Miles and Simone – I had three serious boyfriends and a husband. Just sayin’. I’m actually not kidding about getting a cat — or some sort of pet. A dog would be great, because it would increase your chances of meeting someone what with all the dog parkin’, and neighborhood walks and doggie parties dog people are always having. But the real benefit or being a pet owner is that it helps you cultivate love in your life.
Love sort of feeds on itself. When you get a little bit, it tends to grow and grow until you feel abundant in love. Do you think that’s just a coincidence? It’s not. Love makes people lovely, and lovely people attract more love. And maybe you can’t just go out and get a boyfriend, but you can go out and get a pet and trust me here, pets can bring as much — and often, much, much more — love to your life than some dude can. So, go to the humane society and get a cat or a dog or some other fuzzy, lovely animal and watch your heart grow.
If you can’t get a pet right now or you don’t believe a four-legged friend is going to solve your relationship problems, I have some other suggestions for you. The first one is to relax. You’re 31, not 81. You still have plenty of time to find a meaningful, long-term relationship. My second suggestion, and this goes along with the idea of getting a pet and cultivating more love in your life: start being the kind of person you want to attract. You describe yourself as educated, employed, decent looking, and free from having a mental illness (or a cat). Is that the best you can do? Really? Because if I were single and someone said he had a friend for me to meet who was “employed and didn’t have a mental illness,” I’d say, “Eh” and I doubt I’m alone, which means you either need help selling yourself, or you need to become more interesting and appealing.
How do you become more interesting and appealing? Take some classes (improv, photography, and music classes are some good examples of classes that will broaden your horizon, change your perspective and attract new people to your life), travel, be a good friend, read a lot, see art, go to good movies, be kind to your family, be kind to strangers, volunteer … do things to better the world, or at least better other people’s lives. That way, when people describe you to their friends — friends who may very well be single, awesome and looking for someone special — you’ll sound like a catch. Because, seriously, “She doesn’t have a cat,” doesn’t sell you. Neither does, “She has a job.” That’s something you say about someone who … well, who kind of sucks in almost every other way.
Don’t be someone who sucks. Be awesome. Be so awesome that you actually start believing your own awesomeness and quit settling for these long-term casual relationships with guys who don’t mean that much to you simply because you don’t think you deserve — or can attract — better. BE BETTER. Be better at being you so you can attract the kind of person you want. It really is that simple. If you’re so concerned with dating your equal, be better so you’ll date better, because the problem here is not that you’re “unlovable.” The problem is you selling yourself short and settling for less that what you really want because you’re afraid of pursuing more and getting rejected and hurt. And until you pursue what you really want, you’re going to continue having a string of casual, meaningless relationships at best.
So, work on yourself. Work on yourself and mingle. Go places where you’ll meet a lot of people. Join groups, take classes, and get a dog. Make yourself interesting and available. Put the word out with your friends that you’re looking for someone special. Peruse dating apps. Make an effort. Quit dating people who don’t excite you. Be a nice person. Don’t rule out potential boyfriends for stupid, superficial reasons. Send out good energy into the world. Do all these things, and it will happen.
And if it doesn’t? Well, there’s nothing wrong with being a crazy cat lady.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Don’t waste your time with long term casual relationships. What’s the point if you are interested in moving forward with someone? And don’t be afraid to tell someone you are seeing after a certain amount of time that you are looking for more. Men respect women who know what they want and don’t just drift around according to their man’s desires.
LW, the one thing that really stuck out to me was the fact that your ex is now dating someone who looks like “they ate” you, and then imply that the fact she makes a lot of money is how she snagged him.
What a horrible thing to say! Maybe your boyfriend left because of the negative way you choose to express yourself. It just always grates me when people imply that because someone is overweight, they automatically have no redeeming qualities. Maybe she has an awesome personality, or they have similar life goals. Hell, maybe your ex just realized he likes big ladies.
I don’t think it’s that you’re unlovable, but let’s face it- YOU are the common denominator in all of these relationships. Maybe it’s time to take a real hard look at how you put yourself out to other people. I think Wendy is spot on about the “selling points”, but also take a look at how you treat others, because if your statement about your ex’s new girl is any indicator- you can come off as pretty harsh.
You seem to be a pragmatic, analytical person-which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, analytical people can have the tendency to baldly state what they feel are facts, which can potentially offend others.
So, like Wendy said- Don’t be sucky. And for goodness sakes, be a little nicer. It never killed anybody.
Wow, I was all prepared to be sympathetic. At first when I read Wendy’s response I thought it was a little harsh. I guess I didn’t catch the “looks like she ate me.” Thanks for the catch, callmehobo. Because I think that one phrase changes the whole tone of the letter.
And now I’m so angry at the LW that I can’t form a coherent response.
bingo
This LW seems obsessed with symbols.
Her problem, as she presents it, is that she’s over 30, she wants a guy to say “i love you” to her and she wants a FB status change (because that’s all that relationships are, right?).
Then all she has to say about the new girl is she’s fat and rich (because beauty and money are the only two measures for girls, right?) .
And about herself that she is employed, educated, not ugly, not crazy (the fact that she doesn’t have any cats is supposed to prove that, even if she meant it as a joke).
Nowhere in this letter she talked about who she is besides obvious symbols that she’s a catch. Or about what kind of guy she wants. I wonder if she even knows that.
It seems to me that her problem might be that she’s shallow. Or that she’s so clueless about reading reality that all she has to go by are things that are easy to identify and that are supposed to mean something.
People can tell if you want them or you just want things from them (like, you want them to say “i love you” so you feel lovable, and you want them to talk about it in FB so other people know you’re lovable too). I don’t think you’ll get what you want if all you want is someone employed, educated, not ugly and not crazy to tell the world that you deserve love. What’s in it for them?
Wow. Maybe you aren’t unlovable but right now you sound like a jackass. If your take on your ex’s girlfriend is that she looks like she ate you then your problem getting a boyfriend has to do with your personality. Normally I’d be kinder like callmehobo but screw it. If you dish it out in life be prepared to take it. In two small paragraphs you managed to convey bitchiness, biterness, and a misplaced sense of entitlement. Employed and not hideous are not the traits anyone aspires to in a partner. And while wit is great – wit that disparages others for no reason is cruel and a sign of weak character. And when men see signs of this type of bitchibess – they run. As they should because who would want to be saddled with that type of personality day in and out? I don’t have any advice to catch a man for you – my advice is to volunteer somewhere where you can start doing some good for others, where you will learn a little humility and become a better person over time. Maybe then you will have developed some traits to make you lovable.
I know it’s cliche, but it’ true: if you stop looking for something, you’ll find it. Sometimes if you stop looking for love, you may find something that you wouldn’t normally notice. Do things you want to do and make you feel good, and you’re on your way to find someone.
Can I just say I loved the twist in Wendy’s advice of latching onto the cat comment. I think it’s a very valid point. If you don’t know how to express you feels of love towards your boyfriend (or anything fuzzy for that matter), why would he open himself up to reject by saying “I love you” when he doesn’t think you love him back?
What is this about “dating up or down”? You don’t choose the people you love just because they’re educated, employed, decent looking, don’t suffer from a mental illness — and don’t have any cats. That seems awfully shallow. Is that how you want someone who is supposed to be a life partner to see you? Doubt it.
So stop focussing on the surface traits that men SHOULD find attractive, and start focussing on the traits they WILL find attractive – charisma, vibrant and fun-loving personality, passions, fearlessness of just putting yourself out there… your warm smile – things like that will attract people to you. Certainly, you don’t need all of those qualities, but you definitely need to have that type of self-worth and self-esteem. Money, good-looks, employment can come and go, but if you have decent personality and can love someone for who there are instead of ‘what they have vs. what I have’, you won’t have trouble finding a partner.
Your letter reeks of low self-esteem. The best you can say about yourself is, as Wendy noted, that you’re employed and decent-looking, and you don’t have any cats (WTF, by the way…I love my cat). Then you cut down the woman your last boyfriend dated after you by saying she looks like “she ate you” and makes three times as much money, as if that’s her only redeeming quality, and as if those totally shallow/physical things are the only things that are important in a relationship.
I think that’s your problem. You’re so focused on the superficial you’re not letting yourself experience anything deeper. No wonder you’ve only had casual relationships, and nothing has grown into love! You have to open yourself up to people in order to be loved, LW. That means being vulnerable. That requires you have a little more self-awareness than “I have a job and I’m ok-looking.”
What do you feel? What do you think? What do you want? What are your dreams? WHY do you want a serious boyfriend? Why do you want to be loved? Who are you? Who do you want to be? Where do you want your life to go? What role do you see this bf playing in your life? What qualities do you want him to have? Don’t list anything physical here- I want to know what personality you are looking for. Do you want someone fun-loving, or more serious? Is a sense of humor important? How about kindness? Compassion? Ambition? A strong work ethic?
I have found, in life, that we tend to attract people like ourselves. So if you want certain traits in a boyfriend, work on cultivating them in yourself. That means start thinking about what you’re GOOD at, what you WANT to be good at, and what you can do without.
Just curious… How do you know that your exes didn’t love you? Have you ever told any of them that you love him? Just because they didn’t run to the Facebook and didn’t immediately changed their status, does not mean that they had no deep feelings for you.
How is your relationship with your friends? Are you a generally affectionate person, or do you never share your feelings with people that are close to you? You simply may have a type of personality that does not inspire people to share their feelings with you. That is not meant as a disparaging remark, but some people do come across that way.
Like everyone else said, try to sincerely see people as individuals, with their personalities and quirks, and not perfect looks. And if they do have the other things, like an equal job and education, that is a plus, and not an absolute requirement for a good partner.
I agree with other commenters that you seem to be too concerned with the superficial aspects of yourself and the guys you are looking at as potential partners. The thing that makes it a little more complicated, in my eyes, is its a little bit of a chicken-or-egg scenario. It could be that you’ve never had a meaningful relationship because you have always sized up guys based solely on their looks and status, not true compatibility. It could also be that you haven’t met someone you are truly compatible with yet, so a lack of a true, deep connection has caused you to focus on the superficial, because that’s all you really know. I mean, if you’ve never really gotten very close to someone, you might not know enough about how they tick to know what the real, underlying issue was, so on the surface its a mystery.
That said, there’s obviously something about the way you are conducting yourself that is not attracting a serious relationship. One thing that stood out to me about your letter is that you never said how you feel about these guys. They may not love you, but do you love them? Did you want a serious relationship with any of them in particular, or just someone in general, and you thought they might be an okay match? If you felt only a lukewarm attraction and connection with them as well, you might have just been keeping yourself off the market and wasting your time with guys who you will never have a deep connection with, so you haven’t had the chance to meet the right guy for you. On the other hand, if you did feel really strongly about them, why did you allow yourself to be strung along in a “long-term casual relationship” with them when you really wanted more? I think a big issue here is you settling for less than you truly want. In the future, I wouldn’t enter into anything long-term, casual or otherwise, with someone you are not extremely excited about, in the type of relationship that you really want. If you want to find love, you have to be open to it, which will not be the case if you’re in a long-term thing with a dude who will never amount to more than a casual thing.
“Don’t be someone who sucks.” Made me laugh out loud. On a wednesday morning!
New mantra!
tough one!
What’s wrong with a cat or two?? Some days I think my BF likes my cat more than me…
LoL me too!
Geez LW, what the heck do you have against cats? and people who are heavier than you? Does having a cat (or 2) and being overweight make me unworthy of finding love? Thanks a lot.
Its your attitude and the fact that you look down on other people that prevents you from finding love. Try being a nicer person.
About the cat thing, I so agree with you Wendy. I’m not sure how the crazy cat lady sterotype got started, but having a cat is just as likely to be a plus then a minus when it comes to dating. There are just as many diehard cat lovers that are men as there are women. When I first got my cat, most of my guy friends went ape shit and wanted to come over and play with him all the time.
Plus, while the cat wasn’t the final selling point, I know that he was a HUGE plus for my boyfriend when he first met me. If I recall correctly, he said “Dooder (cat name), you are the cutest thing I’ve seen all day!” when he first saw the cat. They now have a platonic, but passionate love for one another.
So don’t get seven cats and sequester yourself in your apartment with them, that’s creepy, but having a cat will definitely appeal to the cat-people crowd. Same with a dog (except, you’ll attract the dog people). Pets are great.
Love is not a one-way street. Asking “why haven’t any of these guys loved me?” is meaningless if you haven’t loved them either. Wendy’s right, you need to give love to get it back. Stop dating men you don’t (and don’t expect to) love.
You cannot be truly loved until you truly love yourself.
Spend time getting to know yourself and finding people who match your interests. Someone will poke out and be as awesome as you are!
I haven’t read ALL of the comments yet, but… has the LW ever been in love? Why does she want someone to love her if she doesn’t love them back? I feel like she’s focusing on how she wants someone else to feel about her, rather than how she feels about someone else. Is she looking for some type of validation, or does she really want to have a meaningful relationship?
“Don’t be someone who sucks.”
Ha! So true. So many people seem to bemoan their lack of love by blaming others, or the world, or luck, when it really does start with yourself.
LW, I’d also recommend some therapy, if that’s at all possible. Now, I’m not really one of those people that believe that therapy is a cure-all. I think for it to work, you have to be open to it and have realistic expectations. And I recommend it to you, not because you’re crazy or even seem to have serious issues, but because I think it might just help to talk out your feelings with someone objective. Maybe you are doing little things to push guys away, or maybe your defeatist attitude is translating into your actions without you realizing it. Anyway, I really think it couldn’t hurt. Maybe just feeling that you are investing in your own well-being will be the jump start you need to start working more actively at improving yourself and your outlook, and ultimately, finding love if that is what you want.
Otherwise, great suggestions from Wendy on how to take your life by the balls (lady balls?)! Steer your own ship LW!
I didn’t plan on commenting because Wendy’s response is PERFECT (seriously, get a pet!). But then everyone was trashing the LW for the whole “looks like she ate me comment” and I think it’s a little silly, guys. Lighten up, maybe? Don’t we ALWAYS look for imperfections in the women our ex’s date after us? I remember examining a picture of my ex’s new girlfriend on Facebook a few years ago, staring at this beautiful woman and finding her extremely ugly. She had slightly larger thighs than me. Yes, that is what I came up with.
If your relationship was “casual”, why does it matter what the woman he left you for looks like? Or how much he makes? Unless he tells you those are the reasons he left you, of course. Did he tell you that he left you because she makes more money than you and he wants to sponge off of her instead? No? Then her money isn’t the issue. Did he tell you that he likes the fact that she is heavier and he couldn’t stand your bony ass? No? Then that’s not the issue either.
Do I know if you have a bony ass? No, I was merely using that as a hypothetical. Hurts when I suggest that your rear isn’t perfect though, doesn’t it? Betcha that if you’re willing to cut this woman down on a public forum to strangers, you’re willing to say something to people you know, who will say something to your former “casual” guy. Or even his new girl. How do you think they will feel about your comments? You come off as a bitter woman, and you are too young for that.
Did your guy KNOW that you wanted more than a casual relationship? If not, then maybe that’s why he left – to find a STEADY, committed and REAL relationship rather than a casual one.
You know what you want. The problem seems to be your communication skills. Or, at least one problem. You also seem to be a bit petty/mean/harsh. It’s going to be hard to find a guy willing to stick it out for more than two intro dates with a woman who keeps insulting people and acts like she’s got a thorny vine wrapped around her body.
I agree with Wendy that in reading your list I feel like maybe you are boring. And that’s unfair because it is just a letter and I don’t know anything about you, except what you’ve told us, which may be your problem in the dating world too. And even though I think your comment about the ex’s new gf can be offensive, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a nasty, bitter person. I think that a lot of people find faults with their ex’s new SOs like this. it’s easier isn’t it? dealing with being broken up with and finding out that your ex is dating someone new when they’re ugly, fat, poor, have kankles, etc makes it easier for you. but, i think you need to spend less time on what your ex’s new SOs do or don’t have and more of what YOU have to offer someone new. It sounds corny but try and come up with three adjectives that you think your friends would use to describe you, heck ask them to do it for you! And focus on the good things you have to offer other people. Dating is hard but it’s even harder when you go in to thinking you’re going to fail. Calling yourself a soon to be spinster is doing just that. And like Wendy said focus on the other kinds of love you have in your life.
I have no real opinion on today’s letter other, but I was suprised with all the offense taken to the LW talking about not having cats. Many times old spinster lady types are described as being the “old crazy cat lady”. Or at least in my area down here in the Deep South of central FL. I am surprised that everyone took her so literally. I know I married in my mid twenties to avoid the cat lady fate … although by my area’s standards, I only barely missed it 😉
LW, I am sure if you just take a look at your priorities and really decide that you are ready for a real relationship not a casual one, you will start moving in that direction. Regardless of the past, you can make new choices right now to move your life in the direction that you want. Good luck with love and avoiding crazy cat lady status!
Hey just trying to lighten the mood in what seems to be a surprisingly touchy little topic today. Happy hump day everyone!
I think what is hard to swallow is the rejection in general. Feeling as you have never been told, “I love you” by the age of 30 is tough to swallow. No matter what we may say, the LW is still going to feel the way she does. For her best interest, it would be to analyze the comments and work on improving yourself. Instead of questioning why someone chose someone else over you, try focusing on improving yourself and a better mate may come to you.
The only problem with that analogy and many others is the amount of time it may take to meet that person. You could lose weight for a year and never meet anyone, then gain 10 lbs back, and the guys can’t keep the hands off of you. You just can’t control when someone will come into your life and swoon you. The moment you start forcing the situation, is when the losers and jerks will come out in full force. They feed on women with low self esteem because they can get what they want with very little effort. Then you end up coming back to “Dear Wendy” and complaining about all men are jerks, when in reality, “your picker is broken.”
I tell people time and time again, if you tend to date the same type of guy, step outside your comfort zone and date someone a little bit different. Maybe he’s a little overweight or not as smart as you, but he may stimulate you in ways that no other person ever has.
Even if the date is bad, and the person is even worse, you have a wider spectrum of guys you care to avoid.