“Am I Wrong to Cheat on My Sick Husband?”

I love my husband dearly, but he has never been romantic in the slightest. However, on every other level we connect very well and he has a beautiful soul. Unfortunately, his health has been dreadful for years and now he is in constant pain for which he takes morphine which often makes him drowsy. The only physical contact we used to have was love-making, and that hasn’t happened for several years, leaving me feeling very lonely, especially as we have separate bedrooms.

You can guess what’s coming next: I’ve met someone who, for some reason, fell in love with me terribly quickly and now showers me with love and affection. It’s like a rainstorm in the desert, and I find it impossible to resist. He finds it wrong that I should be so lonely and miserable, and how do I argue with that? I am! Of course, I feel horribly guilty all the time, but the thought of giving up the happiness I’ve found feels impossible, like going from color back to grey. What is your opinion, please? — From Grey to Color

My opinion is that you are deserving and entitled to the love and affection and happiness you crave but that what you’re describing raises several red flags. First of all, be wary of anyone who lays on the affection and love quickly, especially if you’ve just shared how lonely and miserable you are. You could be the victim of “love bombing,” a type of emotional manipulation that uses excessive flattery, early and over-the-top expressions of love, lots of gifts, and plans for a future together to win trust. After the love-bombed lets her guard down, the love bomber becomes more controlling and eventually abandons the relationship, leaving the love-bombed confused and ashamed.

I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here, but I know that there’s a strong possibility. I also know that you are deserving and entitled to the love and affection and happiness you think you’ve found in this man. You deserve it without the guilt, and the only way to have that is to be ethical in your pursuit. The easiest and best way to be ethical is to rule out the pursuit of it with your husband. Does he know how you feel? Does he understand that you are parched in a desert and need water to survive? And is he willing to, and can he, provide the water? What would he need, if anything, to better meet your needs? If he can’t or is unwilling to meet your needs, will he give you his blessing to find intimacy elsewhere?

You say you and your husband connect very well on nearly every level and that you love him dearly, so it’s certainly worth trying to get all your needs met by him. Sharing your feelings with him is a good place to start. And if you think you could use some guidance and support in this and it’s in your budget, a good marriage counselor can help you both process your feelings and figure out a path forward.

Part of a path forward together, if your husband is unable to meet your needs, may involve, or evolve into, ethical nonmonogamy, which you can read about and discuss with your husband. If ethical nonmonogamy is off the table and your husband can’t or won’t meet your needs, you will need to decide whether to stay in your marriage or move on. My feeling is that you will get the clearest answer to this question if it involves only you and your husband and not an interloper dropping love bombs on you and distracting you from your own conscience and good judgment.

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6 Comments

“I feel horribly guilty all the time, but the thought of giving up the happiness I’ve found feels impossible.”

It sounds like she is already sleeping with this person, not just thinking about it. I agree with the advice, but you can’t innocently propose ethical nonmonogamy when you’re already in another secret relationship. I think she either has to admit it’s already happening, or end it permanently and completely before trying to talk to her husband. I’ve seen people try to morph their cheating into ENM without ever being honest, and it’s not fair.

The correct answer to your question is: “Yes.”

Yes, it’s wrong to cheat on your husband. It wouldn’t be wrong to leave him or to tell him that the marriage isn’t meeting your needs (at all) and it either changes, you file for divorce, or you meet your needs outside the marriage with his agreement. Just having an affair behind his back is wrong.

I’m not sure why you want to say you love your husband dearly. From what you say your marriage was affectionless (at least physically) from the start, except for occassional sex, which disappeared years ago. His health may prevent him from having sex but it doesn’t prevent physical affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, meeting your needs in ways other than penetrative intercourse).

Something seems off. He may have always been asexual and just did what he thought the absolute minimum to keep you. He may be gay and same deal. He may have never been all that into you and wanted a housekeeper, caregiver, live-in best friend. It sounds like he never held up his end as a husband and you should have told him this was unsatisfactory long ago. Now he’s sick(er?) and you feel guilty about leaving.