“Can He Survive the Holidays with my Family?”
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little less than a year and a half and we are very happy together. However, we recently had a fight about the holidays coming up and because we also fought more than usual last year about the holidays, I’m worried we’re heading for a couple months of frayed nerves and emotional outbursts. Here’s the back story: my boyfriend is an only child and was raised in a home-schooled Jehovah’s Witness household. He gave up his religious upbringing years before I met him but because he does not have a close relationship with either of his parents, he had never had a traditional family Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together until I brought him to my family’s last year.
For the most part he enjoyed himself and felt welcomed by my family. However, there were problems that neither of us anticipated that led to a lot of arguments. An example is I took him to go Christmas Caroling with my family expecting him to enjoy the corniness of the whole thing. Instead, he was tense and silent. I realized later that he did not know any of the Christmas carols and the religious theme of some of the songs made him feel like an outsider (though my family is not very religious).
Another example is the way my mom would gently nag him at Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner in a cheery matriarchal host kind of way (it’s her way of making someone feel welcome). My mom would say something like “Don’t eat too many peanuts, save room for dinner!” or “Did you like the pie? I’m sorry if it tasted bad. I made it just for you!” and I could see him getting a little defensive and tense at this attention being put on him. He wouldn’t say anything rude or impolite, but he would give answers in kind of an humorless/uncomfortable tone and I could tell he was not his usual happy and goofy self. I didn’t want him to feel left out and I was overprotective of his feelings, and defensive about my family seeming big and loud and weird.
Cut to this year. My boyfriend asked my advice on what presents to give my family because he wants to take an active part in the gift-giving this year. I threw him a few ideas and I told him how sweet he is to get them all gifts since he doesn’t have to. He looked a little confused and asked why he doesn’t have to and I said “You know, because you’re a guest.” Immediately, that made him defensive and hurt because he thought it implied he was still an outsider. We moved past that, but it has made me nervous that this year’s holidays will be just as tense as last year’s.
Is there any way to address potential issues about the holidays before they happen, or will that just make it worse? Is there anything I can do to make him feel and act less agitated and uncomfortable this time around, for both our sakes? Or should I just trust that he’s trying to take more of an active part to feel more comfortable and stop letting myself get worked up? — Already Holi-dazed
To answer your last questions first: no, you should not just “trust” everything is going to be fine this year if your boyfriend is already giving you indication that it won’t and last year’s fiasco is still fairly fresh in your minds. Don’t leave anything to chance this time. Have a talk with your boyfriend about what you can do to make him more comfortable. Have some suggestions ready at the get-go.
For example, give your boyfriend some ownership in the festivities, which is probably what he was after when he decided to get gifts for your family. In addition to giving him some (reasonably priced) gift suggestions for your immediate family members (and going shopping with him!), ask him if he’d like to share a favorite dish he likes to make (or remembers fondly from his childhood), or make a playlist for your commute to your family’s and/or for all of you to listen to during some part of your holiday festivities. Bring something jokey from the two of you for your whole family, like light-up necklaces or reindeer antlers, to cut the tension as well as to establish you as a unit so he’s less likely to feel like he’s playing on some team all by himself.
Finally, and above all, communicate with your boyfriend. Talk about some of the issues you had last year and discuss how to circumvent them this year. Would he rather sit out Christmas caroling? If so, maybe you should arrive to your family’s after that traditional event. If that isn’t possible, consider sitting out the caroling with him so he doesn’t feel like such an outsider. While the rest of your family is singing “Jingle Bells,” it would be a great time for you and your boyfriend to set your own tradition as a couple and enjoy a little one-on-one time. How about filling up a mug with some hot chocolate, getting in a car and driving around your family’s neighborhood to check out all the Christmas lights? Of course, another alternative is that you start teaching your boyfriend some of those Christmas carols he didn’t know the words to last year. You could even fire up the ol’ Christmas channel on Pandora and start filling your home up with festive yuletide tunes to get you both in the mood…
The most important thing is to let him know about how important he is to you and how much it means to you to have him be part of your family holiday celebration. Assure him that he is not only welcome there, he’s wanted there — and not just by you, but by your whole family. And communicate with him about how much your family means to you, too, and that it’s equally important that he accepts and welcomes their quirks as much as possible. Tell him that that’s the best holiday gift he could give you this year. Well, that and maybe a new car full of cash.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
The holidays are stressful in any relationship, be grateful you don’t have to fight over where to spend them or try to figure out how to fit three Thanksgiving’s meals in your stomach.
That being said, I agree with Wendy’s advice that you do need to find a way to make him feel include, but was anyone else a little creeped out by the fact that he didn’t think of himself as a guest anymore? I know he’s latching on because he didn’t have this growing up, but I found it odd that after only a year and a half he, what, thought he was part of the family?
Anyway, create your own rituals, your own food, your own gifts, and talk to him about all of this and it should reassure him enough to make things easier. And honestly, the biggest thing that will make this easier is time. He will eventually not be an outsider but it takes time and you can’t really force it.
Good advice Wendy! in reading this letter I felt as if the boyfriend was whiney and was bringing the exclusion on himself at times by assuming he is an “outsider”. Who doesn’t reply in a friendly manner to a mother that made you Christmas dinner? I think you need to talk to him about his attitude as well if he continues to put a damper on things. He’s a bit of a negative nancy
LW- do not ignore this, it will only make things more difficult and stressful. Talk to your BF and identify some things that are big stressers for him. Once you two are on the same page about what triggers his stress you can help him avoid/minimize his stress, which will allow him to be his “usual happy and goofy self.”
I’ve been in the situation your BF is in- an “outsider” who grew up very differently from my BF’s family. I grew up a liberal Northern, his family is a conservative and Southern. The first Thanksgiving was definitely a challenge but the BF and I have talked before and after every family gathering about what happened. This year is my 4th Thanksgiving with his family and I can not wait to see them all. It will get better if you two just talk about it and work to minimize each others stress.
Also, think about telling your mom to cool it a little bit. Your BF may have been overwhelmed by her (seemingly) constant checking up on him.
Your boyfriend is experiencing culture shock because he was raised in a very different way. People who leave radical Christian cults often have similar experiences because they have not learned popular American culture. I know this is hard to imagine because we take our culture for granted.
He is nervous because he is not familiar with how most Americans celebrate Christmas and does not want to make cultural blunders or look foolish. He is probably also embarrassed of his ignorance of American customs because as an American he is expected to know them. But he is trying hard to learn these new customs and with some orientation from you, he can be more comfortable this year.
I noticed that Wendy didn’t pick up on this but the LW’s mother sounds passive aggressive. LW wrote “My mom would say something like “Don’t eat too many peanuts, save room for dinner!” or “Did you like the pie? I’m sorry if it tasted bad. I made it just for you!” The first one isn’t terrible, but the last one is textbook passive aggressive. If someone doesn’t eat a lot of pie, you don’t comment on it and if you do you don’t say “I made it just for you.” Perhaps LW’s boyfriend picks up that the mother doesn’t want him there, hence the awkward interaction with the mother. Plus, I don’t think it is weird to be a little annoyed at being called a guest by a serious girlfriend. It seems off putting. Really close friends, or serious boyfriends, or family members are not really guests unless you are talking about putting out guest soaps and towels.
Going to tradition you aren’t familiar with with a “rambuncious” family can be very stressful and uncomfortable, especially if it is very different than what you experienced.
My exBF’s family was like this. We’re all jewish but they do christmas with his mom’s boyfriend. The first year, I didn’t go because I was spending the vacation week with my own family (we had been dating for 2 months) and up until the day we broke up, I never stopped hearing about how I missed it.
The next year, I clearly had to go and thus hauled ass to get there even though I was out of town that weekend. They rescheduled it so I could be there, even though I repeatedly told them I was fine missing it and had prior commitments that day (my bff from college’s bridal shower and bachelorette was the night before in a different city which I had to leave at the crack of dawn to take 5 buses to make it to freaking staten island for christmas dinner).
I was SO freaking uncomfortable with everything: from the guilt-inducing comments from his mother that I could not figure out why she wouldn’t drop (how they were lucky i didn’t have to work and miss it again, like i had last year), how we never visit them, how he works too hard and I should make sure he eats right and sleeps better.
I smiled as I opened horrible present after horrible present that they couldn’t afford but insisted on giving (including a non-refundable leather jacket for my bf that didn’t fit him) and enormous clothing that his mom (who has a good 15 pounds on me, and I have at least 5 inches on her) told me “she tried on and they were big, so they should fit me”… they didn’t.)
They were all happy as a clam and i was trying to figure out how to handle it with a smile the best that I could. Every time his mom nagged me about what her son was eating and how i should be monitoring it better, how she knew i took cooking classes and maybe next year I would make something so we wouldn’t have to eat her attempts, which she apologized for, which by the 18th comment and 20th compliment from me were grating on me, I tried to smile and laugh when appropriate, reassure and shrug when appropriate, and not let my face give away the fact that i found the whole thing bewindering.
The LW clearly has a very outgoing, “rambunctous” family (caroling is not passive) and she might think its awesome and welcoming for her BF, but it might be more than just “different” for her BF; it might be downright awkward and unpleasant at parts. My BF’s family sure was welcoming… incredibly uncomfortably so. I think everyone thinks their family is amazing and thus, paints that picture, but guests might not see it the same way and that doesn’t make them ungracious or killjoys. It takes a little while to adjust. And if they treat him like “one of the family” with all the bad shit (like the compliment-begging, unnecessary guilt-inducing mother), it would be surprising to be told you aren’t considered that in other contexts.
So I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t read “fiasco” in last year’s holiday events. I read “fairly new couple still working things out regarding traditions”.
Frankly, it sounds like LW’s mom (being cheerfully matriarchal) was trying to make him feel like he’s not “just a guest” (although in my family, the word “guest” implies the phrase “honored guest” rather than “just a guest”). Does the bf not enjoy singing? Then he shouldn’t sing. Is he just uncomfortable because he doesn’t know the words? Then teach him some! (If the religious theme is bothersome, “Jingle Bells” and “Frosty the Snowman” are secular).
I would personally take it as a sign that bf is looking long-term in this relationship in that he wants to bring gifts and seems to want to ingratiate himself. However, my husband and I go together on gifts for our family members, and I don’t see why LW and bf shouldn’t do the same, each contributing a little and shopping together.
As for getting used to mom and the family traditions…this takes time. And experience. My family is small but kind of crazy, in a mostly good way. (My father would say we don’t suffer from insanity. We thrive on it.) When my husband (then my boyfriend) first met them, some very dear family friends were over and we had a WILD game of Win, Lose or Draw (if you think that’s impossible, I cordially invite you to my next family function). By the time everyone wandered to bed, my “uncle” was joking that “Well, that’s the last we’ll see of THAT guy”. At our wedding a couple years later, my “uncle” congratulated Mr. Greebo and said “I guess you’re tougher than I thought. I was sure you were a goner.” We all still have a good laugh over it.
My long-winded point is that adults deal with their discomfort. You can ask about ways to make him more comfortable, but it sounds like he’s already exerting himself. That suggests that everything will work out fine to me.
Wendy,
I love your idea about the LW and bf doing something together, privately. And LW, I think it’s a great sign that he wants to participate in gift giving. Especially if he was given a gift or two last year.
Read my response to Calle’s statement about helping your boyfriend out when your mom says something that might make him uncomfortable. After you do this a few times, he’ll hopefully pick up the cue and will be able to fend for himself.
Your boyfriend sounds like a cutie!
Agree w/ all of Wendy’s advice.
Holidays are stressful for everyone, & I’m usually the weirdo having to excuse myself during pie-time to take a nap or read by myself – so set up a signal that means you & he need to take a little walk around the block between courses (or in lieu of rowdy group activity) to get some air, some quiet, & some calm : )
I must be getting crotchety in my old age but, Oy Vey!
The boyfriend knows he had an alternative upbringing and has a very different experience from the large majority of folks, so why is he so danged touchy? Is the whole world supposed to tiptoe around his delicate feelings and bend over backwards to make it okay for him, while he doesn’t have to do anything but act tense, look shocked, get hurt feelings, and generally be a giant pill?
You’re plotting and planning on how to ease his way, LW, but how hard is he working to make things dandy for you this holiday season? Did he learn some carols to sing this year or look up some jokes to tell at the dinner table? Is he interested in expanding his horizons enough to accommodate your holiday needs or is it going to be ugliness from November to December every year? Something to think about…
Am I the only person on here that thinks the boyfriend was a total whiner last year? Look; if something is making you uncomfortable, you do the adult thing and TALK ABOUT IT with your S.O. He had the opportunity to say “it makes me uncomfortable when your family does ___; could we do an alternate thing by ourselves instead?” or whatever. Instead, he chose to sulk and pout when, presumably, the LW was concerned about her family liking him.
I’m glad he’s making amends by trying to be more involved this year and I think Wendy’s suggestions were great, but I don’t think he should have been let off the hook so easy for his behaviour last year.
Also, no, sorry, but you’re not “a member of the family” until there’s an engagement or similar commitment. Dating for a year and a half means you’re still a “guest” at family functions.
My first holiday season with my now husband’s family was stressful to say the least despite me having a good time in the end, and I can fully understand how the LW’s boyfriend is feeling. I think most of you are treating him like he’s a child for when he underwent a stressful situation over a period of time (holidays, especially christmas, are almost never a one night affair for families) where he was out of his comfort zone and I don’t think he deserves that.
When we visited my in-laws for the first time it was a twelve hour trip to a massive family that by all accounts is completely different than the one I grew up in. For the short time (we could only stay a couple days due to my husband’s duties) I met over fifty people with all their children, questions about my family (which was not ideal in the slightest way so answering questions was very awkward), and being dragged into various traditions one that included me getting significant money as a reward for winning so I felt incredibly awkward and on the spot.
Many times I felt like I was overwhelmed, cornered, and grilled when I knew in my heart they were just trying to be kind to the woman who my now husband said was very special to him even after just six months. And, since I was no where near anybody who I could vent to, I took some of these frustrations out on my man. What else could I do? I had never been exposed to such things before, and I felt guilty every time I had to be vague about my childhood or not participate in the traditions because I thought that I should be so happy instead of awkward and bombarded. That made me angry at myself and my then boyfriend for just throwing me in to sink or swim.
In the end communication on the way back about how I felt and things I’d appreciate next year (some more time alone with each other so I could recharge was the biggest thing for me) and that we visit them on a much more low key occasion before the next round of holidays so I could slowly get accustomed to his immediate family and broaden out to the rest. Now that we have done that I am very excited for this year’s holiday visit!
Long story short: don’t accuse him of being a baby or a rude person just because a person from a very strict religion had a hard time being accustomed to an open and completely different family. Holiday’s aren’t like a one night party where you’re a little off center: they’re a compeltely crazy time where everyone is stressed. Give him a break!
LW: Talk to him about making him feel better, and if you want him to see you guys as family and be open with your family then don’t call him a ‘guest’. He’s not just a place-card at the table; he’s someone special you’re bringing home on the holidays to share that precious time with your family. Help him pick out gifts, teach him the non-religious carols, and give him some time with you alone to gain his bearings when things get a bit out of hand. Make a phrase or something where he can let you know discreetly he needs a break and trust me everything will go by so much smoother!
Wendy’s advice is right on, except I would add something else:
LW needs to talk to her mother and family. Frankly, they sound overwhelming to me and they need to take a step back. I would hate having someone watch everything I was eating and comment on it, or be forced to join caroling, for example. It’s something that she might not be considering, that her family’s holidays can be super intense … especially for someone without any frame of reference regarding normal holiday celebrations. I freak out about being expected to go to Mass because I don’t know all the rituals and bending and holy water stuff, and it makes me upset.
LW also needs to set up some traditions of her own with her boyfriend. Why not set up a small Thanksgiving together, or their own Christmas? I’m not suggesting skipping out on her family, just setting up something to look forward to for him. It’s silly, but having special traditions that aren’t his family’s makes me happy.
It is always going to be a culture clash when you get 2 families together. I was raised Jewish so Christmas at various boyfriends house was always a bit of a cultural experience. And different family styles can really grate on nerves and be confusing for those unfamiliar. If he can be included and if you warn him about some of the weird stuff he can anticipate, perhaps he can develop a tolerant sense of humor about it all… and given that he has already been through this before perhaps it will go easier this time around. Also at my husband’s house (atheists that are big on Christmas dinner and gifts), usually we give gifts as a couple to individuals ( to my brother in law from “us”, to his wife from “us”, etc) since the one related knows the person and their tastes better. And also now that there are so many kids we just gift the kids (and my MIL) so it doesn’t get so expensive. I find cultivating a compassionate sense of humor about family personality quirks is the best way to get through holidays. Have him watch “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and have a laugh….
Can I just say that no matter how wonderful your SO’s family is, sometimes putting up with a family and traditions that aren’t yours is difficult.
I love my boyfriend’s parents dearly, and I know he totally digs my family too, but spending christmas, or any other holiday, in a way that is not what I am accustomed to can be hard.
I think that maybe we should aknowledge that spending holidays with someone elses family (or people who are now your family virtue of marrying in) is not always the way you want to spend your christmas but you make that sacrifice because you love your SO.
My boyfriend and I alternate who we spend holidays with, and when its our turn to be at our families, we try to remember to be cognizant of each others enjoyment, and find ways to take the pressure off, by doing things like taking walks or splitting off from the main group for a bit.
While I may be “family” now with my boyfriends parents, it will never be the same as the family I grew up with, and that’s okay.
“Did you like the pie? I’m sorry if it tasted bad. I made it just for you!”
I wouldn’t know what to make of this joke because it sounds like she knowingly made it taste bad just for him. What is the proper response when someone makes it sound like they purposely ruin things for you?
I’ve never been around a family like the one described. Maybe it’s regional but I’ve never seen it.
Agh. My guy and I have also been together for almost a year and a half, we are doing our first big family holidays together (he’s coming to my big family Thanksgiving on Thursday and his mom invited us and his other immediate family for a Thanksgiving dinner on Friday) and this letter totally raised my blood pressure about the whole thing! I’ve spent time with his family and think they’re very sweet, and they’re actually very similar to mine, but now I’m starting to worry about seeming like a kiss ass (I’m sort of an uber polite person) or him feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason… Happy freakin holidays. :/
i was raised just like your boyfriend.. homeschooled, religious, no christmas or any other holidays for that matter…
I think that your boyfriend really feels like an outsider… because while he is an outsider to your family, he is even more an outsider to the general culture, so he is like doubley sitting outside looking in. so while most people meeting their SO’s family are somewhat of an outsider, but still understand family dynamics, christmas traditions, ect… he doesnt get ANY of it. he doesnt even understand how to act around a bunch of his own family! that would be scary for anybody, i can understand why he is feeling the way he is. and then, you mention nothing about some pre-party talks about what your family does on christmas, why you do it, the food you eat, ect, so it sounds to me like he was just kind of thrown to the lions.
but, on the flip side, i think that he is being really standoffish and just sitting neutrally at your house. not trying to fit in, not actively being fit in by you, just kind of there.
i think you guys need to kind of gain each other’s perspective- you need to understand that all this christmas business is absolutely foreign to him, and he needs to understand that everything that happens at christmas time comes from a place of love. I think that ultimately, if you love him, you will let him become a part of the festivities by letting him know how he can become part of the festivities. if he loves you, he will go along with them, and actively become a part of your family.
I’m sure the boyfriend will get more comfortable as he spends more time with your family. Do you live close enough that he gets to spend time with them in other settings than just Christmas? That might make things a little easier so that it’s not the pressure of the holidays and him trying to get used to your family again compounded.
On the flip side, as a guest at your family’s home, he should make some effort to be pleasant. It sucks to be an outsider, but it’s no excuse for being standoffish.
Ohhhhh the holiday season. I do love the holidays but they can be so overwhelming if you bring a significant other…or even more so if you ARE the significant other!
My best advice is to try to find ways to reassure him that you are on his side. There have been some great suggestions both from Wendy and from comments on here to do just that. Make sure he knows that you and your family want him to be included. You and your family don’t mean to make him feel like an outsider. Ask him what bothered him the most about last year. Maybe you can talk to your mom to help alleviate some of the awkward comments.
Large outspoken families are fun, but they can be very overwhelming to a significant other. Sit down and have a chat with him to see what it was exactly that made him uncomfortable and try to help him feel more at home, whether that means you jumping in when conversations lead to the land of awkwardness or whether that means that you stay home while others go caroling. Good luck!
As someone who sometimes has trouble taking cues from someone else’s family, I can see where your BF is coming from.
First off, he’s probably torn between the logic of his position (non-religious) and the desire to please your (semi-religious) family. Especially if his experience with religion was…less than cheerful, it probably still makes him uncomfortable being a nonbeliever in a sea of believers. Either way, he doesn’t know how to act since your traditions are wildly different from his. Show him some of your traditions; teach him some of those silly songs. He’ll probably appreciate your attempt to smooth his way rather than hover over his feelings like a mother hen.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume your BF is something of an introvert, ergo the trouble taking cues. I often have trouble sorting out whether someone is genuinely concerned about me or if gentle nagging is just their way of being affectionate (i.e. your mom). The pressure to perform when out of your element is worsened when you especially want to please someone you love. Your BF was probably so proud when he determined that giving gifts was a good idea since he figured it out all by himself (yeah, I know it sounds a little sad, but the socially inept among us *cough* me *cough* have to take small steps), and then when you told him he’s not obligated to you basically told him he got it wrong. Again. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but he’s clearly struggling to understand your family’s social dynamics and fit in, and your “guest” comment probably didn’t help.
Here’s the vision I’m having in my head:
BF [to self] “OK, this year I’m going to fit in and not be awkward. How can I fit in? Gifts. People who fit in bring gifts. Gift-giving I can handle. It’s just like birthday presents, but all at once, right?” [out loud] “Hey, LW, what kind of stuff does your family like?”
LW: “Awww, that’s so sweet since you’re such an awkward person who doesn’t fit in!”
BF: *tumbles back into the pit of despair*
If you’d left it at “Awww, that’s so sweet!” he would have felt like he’s on the right track instead of stressing about his “guest” status.