Dear Miles: “He Laughs Like a Little Girl!”
I’m on vacation through May 13th, and in my absence Miles has offered to guest write a couple of columns. Here’s one of them:
Dear Miles,
The heel of my shoe broke off. I almost fell down and broke my neck and all my boyfriend did was laugh at me! I am so angry right now! Plus, I have to spend the whole day walking around with a broken shoe. What’s so funny about that? I never want to see him again. Also when he laughs he sounds like a creepy girl. The Germans call it shadenfreude. I call it MOA! Jerk. — I Broke My Shoe
Dear I Broke My Shoe,
It’s true. I eat too much. In the mornings I eat all of the dry food and at night, when the man serves us canned food, I eat all of mine and most of Simone’s. I eat very fast. I shove my face in the plate and don’t come up for air until it’s all gone. Then I saunter around the apartment and fall asleep wherever I stop. I can’t go on like this. I have to get myself together.
*If you have a relationship/dating question Miles can help answer, send him your letters at [email protected].
Miles is the best advice-giving cat ever. I give him mad props for being able to type with no opposable thumbs…as opposed to my cats, who like to walk on the keyboard and type stuff like lsdkfj ;oeskluri;oewfri;oewjfrklsenfl/k. 😉
My cat, Eloise, is fond of stealing treats from under my other cat, Dinah,’s nose. I will give Eloise a treat, which she’ll happily eat…but when I give one to Dinah, Eloise will come up and snatch it before she even gets a chance to taste it. It sounds like Eloise and Miles have something in common there.
Haha my kitten Nhuri does this with my older cat Na’ima. I give them both equal treats at the same time, but little Nhuri inhales hers and then tries to steal Na’ima’s treats. I solved that problem by giving the kitten her treats in the kitchen and the older cat gets her treats on top of the cat tree. Na’ima actually knows to wait up there for me now when the treat bag comes out 🙂
I once left a bag of cat treats in the shopping bag instead of putting it away as soon as I got home and my cat Todd found them, ripped the plastic/foil lined bag open and ate ALL the treats before I found what he had done. Bad kitty right there.
Na’ima does this if I ever forget to put the treats in the cupboard!
That’s what my cats do too. I can’t even put them in cupboards because they can open them, so they are on the highest shelf in a small built in shelving unit in our hallway that is less than 10 inches wide so they can’t get up there.
My cat won’t steal treats, even if they are sitting out, but god help the container of catnip that gets left out, because it is going DOWN. He also feels the same way about containers of parmesan cheese and spices up and until the moment he gets close enough to realize they aren’t actually nip.
It wouldn’t be bad if my cats did that with food you would expect, like cat treats. Once, while my mom was unpacking groceries, my cat Fido tore through the plastic wrap of a pack of mushrooms and ran off with one. And I have caught my other cat Spot chewing on a pack of my gum. It’s quite disconcerting when your brand new pack of Orbit has holes all over the corners of the package.
Thumbs up just for the names Fido and Spot! Awesome cat names!
I still have holes on my laptop from when my roommate’s cat chewed on it. I don’t see the appeal of electronics but whatever.
I LOVE when people use regular people names for their pets! Todd. I love it! My mom’s dog is Stewart. Unfortunately, my cat came from the pound with the name Cami and she answers to it, so it never changed.
He’s actually named Professor Todd Lindley, named after a real professor I had. 😀
That’s even better! Do you use his whole name when he’s in trouble? I would. That’s just great. 🙂
I am catless – husband has a allergy and he wont man up and deal 😉 so to fill up the hole in my heart we have ferrets. Yes I admit it, I own two girl ferrets and before that we also had two boys. They are very catlike and use the litter box (epic win) and eat kitten chow. Zeva is deaf and honestly is possibly the most idiotic animal I have ever came in contact with and Abby is an escape artist that likes to break her stuffed animals necks before dragging them into hidey holes. Even though Abby is the skinner animal she loves stealing Zeva’s treats (Rosies Treats which are dehydrated meat strips with no artificial fillers or additives – we also give them to our pitt mix), and since Zeva can’t hear her coming she never wins.
I love ferrets, but they like to steal sometimes. My cousin lived with us when I was younger and her ferret was alway stealing socks and keys and anything else. My dad’s were the same way too. I also have cat allergies, but I suck it up and deal (plus I have lots of meds and bi-weekly shots).
Dear LW,
I know your pain. Sometimes, I roll around in my sleep and fall off my kitty tower and the Peoples laugh at me. It is not cool. I like to get them back by taking a big dump right in front of the litter box. That way they KNOW that I KNOW where the litter box is and refuse to use it. It is the only way they will learn. Perhaps you should go to your bf’s People litter box and go right in front of it. Then push the button that makes the water go all whirly. I like that part, but am afraid of it at the same time…
love and head butts,
Mischief
Double thumbs-up!
What I wanna know is whether or not these are real letters that Wendy gets! Because I would totally have my cat answer them if they were real. My cat Rafiki, is, erm, temperamental. Her advice would be nothing but swear words followed by a request for (people) food and a roll of toilet paper to decimate.
That would be awesome if even a few of them were real. Even if they were paraphrased.
She does list a different email address for Miles…so maybe some regulars have sent in ridiculous letters? I can think of a few to send in. Like, “my boyfriend refuses to buy kitchen towels, he just uses paper towels all the time. Should I MOA?”
I’m still trying to wrap my head around what a creepy girl laugh sounds like? I mean a creepy laugh to me is a cackle, but that’s usually old ladies that have that.
I have no cats. Just a dog. His answer to these letters would probably be somewhere along the lines of: That’s fantastic. Where’s my treat?
Haha my dogs’ answer would be A) –Justy– **Sideways confused look** Oh hi there or B) –Emma– *a long string of cuss words and a fart**. They aren’t the brightest critters.
Miles, you are too adorable for words. I will miss your sweet little face and kitty advice when Wendy returns. I want a cat more than anything, but I’m so allergic. Quakerboy’s parents have four cats, and they seem to find me the second we step into their house. One loves to scratch his face on my bony elbows, which is too cute, but also leads to me breaking out in hives and sneezing uncontrollably. Another one likes to sleep on my chest and nuzzle my chin…so. freaking. cute. But the hives on my face, not so cute. Passing the Petco adoption center by our apartment is torture…Any DW readers with cats have successful allergy abatement techniques?
Allergy shots. They are the only things that really work – especially if you want to actually own a cat.
I’m going to start allergy shots tomorrow! Although they’re for pollen, not cats. Luckily no cat allergies, since I have 2 of them 🙂
They gave me great Mother’s Day gifts yesterday. Fuji threw up on the floor twice and Calzo pooped on the floor! Both within 5 minutes of each other!
Miles –
Mummy used to store my kibble in a plastic bin with a lid. I could hook my teeth under the edge of the bin, pull it out of the closet, and pry up the lid. Then my kibble was available to me at all times. Then, Mummy said I was becoming too fat. Mummy tried changing bins, but I just got craftier. Finally Mummy started keeping my kibble in a bin with “latches” under something heavy, and they put some in a jar with a lid and pour it out for me when they think I need to be fed. But don’t they understand I am hungry now? Now? The kibble in my bowl is not enough! I need more! How can I make them understand how hungry I am? I know Mummy gets it; she always says I am “Wasting away to practically a lot.”
~Simon
I love you Miles.
Dear Miles –
I am a dog but I think we could be friends. I don’t have anyone to steal food from but I do like to shove my face into my dish and gobble it up. The male in the house just gives me dry food and I don’t like that much but I eat it anyways because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. The female in the house puts chicken broth on it and then makes it hot so it hurts my mouth when I gobble but I keep going anyways. The female laughs at me when I cry as I continue to eat. She’s very mean but I love the chicken broth-y food so it evens out in the end. I wish I could stop myself though because it really sucks to burn my mouth.
– Charlie
One of the litters we fostered this year would sit in the food bowl and eat around the edges scattering food for a few feet in every direction. More food got swept up then they ate. We tried larger bowls but that only resulted in more then one kitten in the dish at the same time. Multiple bowls only resulted in more food scattered. Sometimes one of them would eat his fill then pee in the dish. I guess to keep the other 3 from HIS territory. Conversely, they were excellent about using the litter box and extremely affectionate with people and each other.