“Do I Have to Invite My Mother to My Wedding?”
When I found out my parents had gotten divorced I thought, “Good, now she won’t be at my wedding.” I may sound bitter and I am. I lost out on a childhood and a loving mother. But I have turned into a wonderful person despite these hardships. That’s why it’s so difficult to decide whether or not to invite my mother. The decision is compounded by many family members giving advice on the issue. Everyone says invite her because I’m her first born, even though none of them have a relationship with her. They are worried because of her deteriorating mental condition due to a fatal disease and are concerned that she may harm herself if not invited. Also, they believe I will regret not inviting her. My aunt has even offered to “babysit” her to make sure I am not caused any undue stress, letting my mother travel with them and stay with them since the wedding is far away from my hometown, where my mother lives.
All I want is a drama-free wedding. I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I know I will be happier if I don’t invite her and I know I wouldn’t regret it. But if she were to commit suicide because of not being invited, it would haunt me, even though her mental health is not my responsibility. What should I do? — Not My Mother’s Keeper
First of all, congratulations on your engagement, and good for you for rising from the ashes of your abusive childhood to create what sounds like a happy life. I’m sure a big part of where you are today is due to making wise decisions that support your emotional and spiritual well-being (like seeking therapy to help deal with childhood traumas). Your wedding and the decisions you make regarding it should be handled no differently than the decisions you’ve made in the last ten years since you left your abusive home. Do what is best for your emotional and spiritual well-being.
You’ve already said that you don’t want your mother at your wedding and that you know you wouldn’t miss her presence. And why would you? You have no relationship with her. The legacy she’s left in your memory is that of an unkind and unloving mother who made your childhood hell. You already know better than to let her into your present and let her wreak havoc on the stability and happiness you’ve found. And it doesn’t sound from your letter that you have any reason to believe she’s a changed woman now and that, even if she were, you would welcome the new version of her into your life. It sounds like you’ve made peace as best you can with the fact that you don’t really have a mother, and while I can’t imagine how sad that’s been for you over the years, I have a harder time imagining how devastated you would be if the time you decide to give her one more chance is on your wedding day and she found a way to fuck that up too. Any maybe her way of screwing it up would be to simply be there because her presence alone would be enough to steal some of the light from what should be one of your brightest days.
You deserve a bright, drama-free wedding day. Don’t invite your mother to your wedding if doing so is going to threaten a peaceful day. And don’t let well-meaning, but mis-guided family members guilt you into it either.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
“I know I will be happier if I don’t invite her and I know I wouldn’t regret it.”
There’s your answer. Wendy’s right. It sounds like you have made peace with this situation, don’t let your getting married change that. Enjoy your day how you want to.
LW…sorry about the stress you are going through right now with your mother…i hope you will take Wendy’s advice as I agree with her 100%…i hope your wedding is a fantastic and happy day for you and your husband to be….after what you had to endure in your childhood you deserve to have a beautiful wedding surrounded by the people who love you and want whats best for you….and if you do ever want to reach out to your mother…don’t feel that your wedding day is the time to do it….there is plenty of time for that…don’t ruin your special moment and don’t feel a shred of guilt
WWS, for sure. If the two visits you’ve had with her haven’t gone well, what makes you think the wedding would go well too? Your wedding day should be happy, and it should be about you committing to your life with your future husband. It’s not a day to make amends or try to reach out to people, etc. It’s literally about just getting married. Celebrate what you already have on that day, and don’t try to create or mend any relationships. If your family members try to guilt you into it, reiterate to them that you know it will go poorly if she’s there, and you want to have a happy, stress-free wedding day. Having her there would completely ruin your day. If they continue to push you about it, let them know it’s not up for discussion. And I agree with Wendy about the card. You could send her a card with a wedding photo in order to extend a gesture. Don’t ruin your wedding day over this.
Also, who’s to say she would want to come to your wedding? If she’s only contacted you twice in ten years, she doesn’t sound too interested in your life either. I don’t say that to make you feel bad. I say it to make you realize that she is not dependent on you for her mental health status.
Wendy is exactly right…don’t let anybody guilt you into doing something that you KNOW wouldn’t be best. Also, suicide threats—no matter who they’re coming from—should never be used as a bargaining chip. (I know it wasn’t a “threat” necessarily, but if family members are making you feel like an extended wedding invitation to your mother would prevent her suicide, well. That’s a lot to have hanging over your head, & it isn’t right of them to even say.)
Sorry, LW, for the instantaneous demise of your “very relaxed about the wedding plan” status! With everyone in the family (and now the online community) having an opinion about what should be done with and for your troubled mother in this situation, it must cast something of a pall on your ability to have a care-free day. Have you considered a charming destination elopement instead? You can side-step all issues and throw yourselves a less fraught-with-expectations party for friends and family later. I understand Paris is lovely in the spring…
That’s an excellent idea.
Your intuition is speaking to you loud and clear. It’s telling you “Don’t invite her! You won’t regret it, you’ll be happier, and it’s true to who you are.”
The only thing that’s messing with your intuitive confidence in this situation are the opinions of everyone else. They might mean well, but meaning well doesn’t count for much, honestly. So, do whatever it takes to drown them out and get back in touch with your sense of inner confidence that what you want to do is right. You don’t need to justify to anyone, or yourself, why you choose not to have your mother at your wedding.
And whatever your mother does with her life is her responsibility. It seems like the two of you have a practically non-existent relationship; one that’s been non-existent for years and years. Why should you, someone who has moved on with their life, feel responsible for what another person you barely speak to does with their life — good, bad or otherwise?
The fact that she’s your mother does NOT obligate you to any kind of relationship, role or service in relation to her. That’s a limiting belief that’s likely causing you guilt, spurred on by the unhelpful commentary coming from other people. Allow yourself to release that belief, and be happy!
You don’t owe your abuser anything. The family members’ concerns about suicide just sound like manipulation and their own guilt projected onto you. This is your wedding, you don’t want her there, end of story.
I will never understand why people try to force others to have relationships with people just because they are family. Especially when it’s not in the interest of everyone involved. I read a lot of advice columns and I see this all the time. “I don’t want to have a relationship with _______ (relative) but everyone else in the family says I should, what should I do?” I would not hesitate to cut off someone in my family if it was the healthiest decision for me.
LW, I think if you don’t want her there, and know that you will not regret it, then that’s the final word. I wouldn’t even give anyone else a chance to talk about it with you. Have a wonderful wedding and concentrate on you and your fiance. Congrats and good luck.
No, LW, you definitely don’t have to invite your abuser to anything. Best of luck with your upcoming wedding!
I was sexually assaulted by a relative as a teenager. Up until about three years ago, I still had to have a lot of interaction with him at family events. I avoided them like the plague and rarely went home once I went to college. Since him and my aunt divorced, I have not had to deal with him, and life has been much better.
I say, if you don’t want her there, don’t invite her. It will sit in the back of your mind and cast a shadow on your wedding day. Your wedding day is about you and your husband, celebrating your promise to each other. You should not have to worry about anything else.
You absolutely don’t need to invite her and you shouldn’t! If anyone tries to pressure you say ” sorry but I don’t want to be reminded of the abuse I suffered on my wedding day.” That should shut anybody up. The suicide cry is manipulation plain and simple. If you cater to it then it will get worse.
My dad and brother weren’t invited to my wedding. And I didn’t suffer at their hands anywhere near what you went through with your mom. I had people offer to babysit too but the reality was that it would have been distracting. My mother would have been ill at ease and her comfort was paramount to me and I would constantly have been on guard for ‘something’ upsetting happening. I’m not big on it being ” my day” but I did want everyone in the room to just wish us happiness without resentment or agenda. My brother figured out on his own I got married though I’m sure he resents that he wasn’t invited and I told my father after the fact. My dad was upset but if he is honest with himself he knows why it happened the way it did. It’s not my place to lessen the consequences of other people’s actions. Do what is best for you. You can’t live your life hostage to someone else’s threats of suicide or their mental illness… or their wishes or whims either. Congratulations and I wish for you a lovely wedding day.
Children of maternal narcissists unite. Anyways you already know what’s best for your own well being, so now just stick with it and don’t let anyone guilt you about it. Let your aunt know that you want to enjoy your wedding and that you want her to as well, so having your mother there (even being babysat) would prevent that for both of you.
I agree. No need to invite her. She may be offended, but if she’s not too broken up over your lack of a relationship, then it probably will come as no surprise to her that she’s not invited. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t give her an automatic invite — anyone else that you’ve only exchanged a handful of cards with over the years wouldn’t get invited, so don’t feel bad about it.
Unless your mother is financially contributing to your wedding, you have no obligation to invite her. My aunt did not invite her mother to her wedding and had a lovely time. Surround yourself with loved ones that day. Best wishes.
Right there with you, LW. My mother has an undiagnosed mental illness, which I haven’t babbled on here about in a while. I’m not currently speaking to her after the blow out fight we had over the holidays. Last time I decided I wasn’t speaking to her, my family was exhaustingly insistent that I make amends, despite how abusive she is. And it pisses me off because they don’t want to deal with her either, they just want me to handle it.
Wendy’s advice is spot on. I’m just commenting to say I understand, especially about feeling responsible for her. My mother has threatened to harm herself on numerous occasions, and while I echo the sentiments above that it is NOT your responsibility to care for her well-being (especially considering how she didn’t care for yours), I understand that little tug inside you that feels responsible no matter how much therapy you go to, or how sure you are of your decision. It’s flippen annoying, amirite?
If you haven’t done it already, I’d check out a support group in your area for children of abusive parents. I go to the NYC chapter of NAMI’s Sons & Daughter’s monthly meetings, and though I felt really silly at first (about 8 mos ago), it was very powerful and cathartic to hear other people who have had the same/similar experiences as I’ve had. It really helped me let go of a lot of guilt and to make better choices for myself.
Anyway. Congrats on your engagement and enjoy your wedding! This stranger on the internet demands that you do! 🙂
One point not raised by others (unless I missed it, of course!) is that you will have almost this same exact dilemma/decision if you have any children.
The biggest difference is that the issue/decision will be there every holiday, every birthday, and every milestone — every single day, really — and your kids will have needs also. I won’t sidetrack this any further but, if you think you will have kids, I suggest you start thinking about it.
LW, I am not telling you to invite your mother to your wedding. That is totally up to you and that is one day. However, if she is dying, i suggest you talk to her. Are there questions that you have? Now is your chance. I think your Aunt is trying to protect you from the what ifs and the whys that can haunt you.
Weddings loom so large when you are getting ready, years later, you look back and wonder what the big deal was. Again, if you think your mother will make a scene and ruin this, then don’t invite her. But if many people in your family are telling you to invite her, maybe ask what they hope to accomplish with that. Is there something about this story that is missing?
Great advice Wendy, and I totally agree – don’t invite her! There was a fantastic Slate article last week (I think) on what adults owe their abusive parents; you might want to track that down if you want any extra assurance that she’s not your responsibility. And shouldn’t be, especially on your wedding day.
As an aside I kind of know what you were going through. I had guests at my wedding asking me to invite different people or friends I hadn’t seen in ages which was really hard. My wedding was in my hometown but it was a destination wedding – and a big reunion – for a lot of people I’d lived overseas with. The pressure to invite people I hadn’t banked on inviting was quite intense and unexpected. I ended up not giving in, and I do regret not inviting one person, but overall I made the decisions that would cause less stress for me on the day and that was right for me at the time.
Congrats and all the best for a very happy future together.
This is not *nearly* the same as your situation, but I hope it will give you perspective. I have a…second cousin? (my mother’s cousin’s child. Someone tell me what that relationship is to me). Anyway, this chick is toxic. Just toxic. Never wants to talk to anyone in the family until or unless she need something. At previous family weddings, she has (a) shown up in white dresses (b) gotten drunk and done semi-strip-teases on the dance floor (c) worn entirely inappropriate dresses that she just “happens” to spill out of during, you know, the bride and groom’s first dance. When my fiance and I were planning our wedding guest list, I deliberately did not include her. My mother, who is forever pushing a relationship “because she has no other family and no on likes her” was told, in no uncertain terms, that whatever relationship SHE wanted to have with this family outcast was her business, but our wedding was our business and she wasn’t coming, end of story.
Forcing my mother to admit she didn’t like my cousin either was a turning point for her, so it might be for your aunt, too. If you present it to your aunt in such a way as to force her to confront the reasons she doesn’t like/doesn’t have a relationship with your mother, it might help. Just an opinion.
LW, I have a very similar relationship with my own mother as a result of physical, mental, and emotional abuse, and have been married twice. The first time I got married, I did not invite her because I was, like you, afraid there would be so much drama at my wedding and that she would inevitably make it all about her and upset me. Everyone in my family was in an uproar, calling me and insisting that I invite her or badgering/threatening me. Even my sister, who was so sad about it, cried and said she was worried that I would later regret not having her there. I have never regretted it: I made the best decision I could at the time for myself even though it meant that I could not invite my dad, either (complicated dynamics). Well, the marriage lasted only 7 months (for reasons not involving my decision not to invite either of my parents), and fast forward a few years–I got married again a few months ago. This time I made a different decision. I had my dad walk me down the aisle and my mom was invited. I think that I’ve grown a lot in the last few years, and my relationship with my husband is different such that I felt stronger and more able to deal with any drama that might have ensued. Plus I felt a little protected by the fact that I hadn’t invited either of my parents to my last wedding so my mom would feel like she needed to be on her best behavior because it wasn’t an empty threat that I wouldn’t invite her. Still, it was difficult and I agonized over the decision to have her there. I was still incredibly worried that she would cause a scene or upset me, and I ended up not inviting her to the rehearsal dinner. It turned out that I just didn’t care what she did on my wedding day, and aside from a quick hug and being genuinely glad that she was there, I didn’t see or think about her much the rest of the night because I was having such an amazing time. I’m not sure if any of this will help you, but I wanted to write and tell you that I can totally relate and you can (and must) only make a decision based on the information you have right now about what is best for you and your fiancé. Don’t second guess yourself. Even if you’d make a different decision later down the road, like I did, that does not mean that your decision now is wrong. Good luck, and the best advice I can give you is that no matter what you decide, focus on what a wonderful thing it is to be making such a special commitment to someone you love.
elope
Thank you so much for this article. I’m in a similar situation and it is so difficult. I go back and forth of this issue. My mom turned from a domineering monster to a pathetic pile of tears once that she didn’t have me to push around any more. She is so socially awkward, and thrives on attention and sentimentality, so her precious daughter’s wedding would bring out the absolute worst in both of us. But she doesn’t have many friends (because of her behavior) and I truly feel sorry for her. I don’t want to look back on this when I go to my grave, and say, wow, you chose your own comfort over forgiveness and love, you hardened your heart and really hurt the woman who raised you. But it will be so awkward for my dad’s side of the family. It’s going to be a very small wedding (like less than 25 people), and she created the classic “Parental Alienation Syndrome” with my dad when they got divorced in my childhood. (yes, it is a real phenomenon, she almost lost custody of me and my sister because of it). People are already giving me a hard time about my decision to not invite her. They can’t fathom that a girl would not love her mother, or even talk to her. The problem is she seems so very nice and sweet to outsiders. She is this sugary-sweet, well dressed conservative lady, and I’ve got gauged ears and purple hair and tend to be a bit brusque. (Having a fierce appearance helps me to be perceived as strong, and keeps people from taking advantage of me like they have done in the past). I end up looking cruel and hard-hearted in this situation, like I am the bad guy. At least I have cut ties with her family too (I knew that if I cut ties with my mom, they would never stop trying to change my mind and making me feel guilty.) I’m considering not having a wedding at all, just get married somewhere with no guests at all. But why should I let her take this away from me, or from my dad’s family? Surely the fact that my dad and stepmom would love to see their daughter get married counts for something too.
Don’t do it, she sounds like she doesn’t deserve to be invited. Don’t feel guilty, people forget that kids grow up. If my mother were bringing up her kids now she would be put in prison for abuse. What was acceptable then is not now a days. I’ve always invited my mother and have been a good daughter for many ye I hate her. I can no longer do this because her behaviour is becoming intolerable to me. She is a bully demanding that she is including at Christmas. Well, the last couple of Christmas’s I haven’t invited her and it’s felft bloody good at the same time I am ridden with guilt as she is 82 and uses this as a ” how much longer do I have on this earth ” Well, when she goes I will be crying for what I didn’t have with her and it won’t change anything in the way I hate her.