“My Boyfriend’s Paid My Bills for Years But Won’t Marry Me”
I made it clear when we started dating that I wanted to get married and start a family eventually. His friends all told me Mark would never marry, but he assured me they were wrong. I have tried to just not care about the marriage thing, but I can’t change the fact that I want to share someone’s name. I told him I would sign ANY prenuptial agreement that he wanted, no matter the terms, but he is still fearful of marriage because of his success, as well as because of deep issues regarding his parents and their marriage.
I can’t imagine my life without him, and I really do not want to leave because I believe we are meant to be together, but I am just not happy with the current situation. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation: damned if I stay, and damned if I leave. OH, and he has officiated the weddings of two sets of our friends, so I had to sit and watch him through two ceremonies! Talk about torture! Any advice on how I can keep my relationship intact but still be able to get my needs met? — Needing Nuptials Now
Well, what ARE your needs exactly? And how will marriage meet them? What is it that you want that you think only marriage will give you? Simply a name change? Kids? A deeper commitment? Once you are very specific about your needs, then you can make an argument to your boyfriend about how marriage is the thing that will get these needs met and that, without marriage, your needs continue to remain unmet. And then you have to decide what you’re going to do should your needs continue to be unmet. You’re either going to accept that this is how it is — that you will likely never marry this man — or that you need to move on. And if you decide to move on, you need to have a plan for supporting yourself since you have been supported by someone else for the past six years.
The way your boyfriend probably sees it is this: he is meeting your needs. You are provided for. You have all the material things you could need or want and you don’t have to work. AND you get his companionship and love. AND you get to be on his insurance, too. In his mind, he’s probably wondering what else there is. You push for marriage, but he doesn’t understand why marriage is so important when you are already getting everything you could want. So it’s your job to articulate what you’re missing and why marriage is so important to you.
You say you made clear in the beginning that you wanted to start a family eventually. Have you discussed that again in recent years? Does your boyfriend want kids? Does he think marriage is essential in starting a family or does it not matter to him? If you aren’t on the same page regarding kids, then there’s no point in getting married. If you are on the same page, then what’s the general timeline? And now does marriage affect (or not affect) that plan?
Finally, are you prepared to leave your boyfriend if he continues to avoid marrying you? Are you prepared to get a job and start supporting yourself? When you let someone fully support you financially without being legally wed, you put yourself in a pretty precarious position. Sure, it sounds cushy to be provided for, but what happens if your boyfriend suddenly decides he wants to break up? Legally, you have zero protection. No alimony, no stake in any shared assets, nothing. You lose your financial support and your health insurance and you don’t even have a job in place (or recent job history to help get you a job). Don’t you worry about that?
Do you have a plan in the event of a breakup? If you don’t, I highly recommend you formulate one. Not only will a plan give you a sense of security, it will elevate your position in the argument for marriage. It will show your boyfriend that you are actually prepared to leave him if your needs continue to go unmet. I can almost promise you that, as long as your boyfriend believes you wouldn’t really leave him (if for no other reason than you can’t afford to), he won’t take your push for marriage seriously (unless he has a sudden desire for it himself, and that doesn’t sound likely).
Make your needs clear, and make clear that you are prepared to leave if they continue to go unmet. And as you’re doing this, think very seriously about whether you really want to marry someone who is so averse to marrying you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Why are you letting him support you? I find this very weird. It’s one thing if he’s helping you because you’re going to school or something. Or if you’re a SAHM. But you can’t be a SAHM without actually being a mom. Of if you’re disabled or you’re on a visa or you have some other reason why you can’t work. If none of those are true, then it sounds like you’re taking advantage of him, frankly. I don’t think I’d want to marry someone who expects me to support them for no reason, either. You say he’s fearful of marriage because of his success. Well, it sounds like he has reason to be. You’re in the best years of your life for working/career, and all you’ve been doing is cleaning the house.
I just feel like she would have mentioned that, because this sentence: “I take care of everything at home: the cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc” seemed defensive to me. If you’re doing the housework plus other stuff, you don’t break “housework” up into three separate tasks like that to make it seem like it’s more. You know what I mean?
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But I agree, if she’s doing something else, like the things I mentioned or the things you mentioned, then it’s fine if they both agree. Whereas if all she’s doing is the housework, then even if they agree, I don’t think it’s really fine. She’s at risk, like you said, and she’s not really contributing the way she should be.
I think you should volunteer or get a job. You need more to your identity than being Mrs. Mark. What exactly would change with marriage? More evidence that things will last forever? A statement to the world that you two will be together for the rest of your lives? If that is the case, I suggest you examine your insecurity. You may have allowed yourself to become overly-dependent on your boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with wanting commitment but if wanting the commitment is based on wanting to feel safe because you don’t think you could make it without Mark than I would suggest you work on your self-confidence. The best way to build that up is by developing yourself and contributing more.
Fast Eddie, I get what you are saying, tongue-in-cheek or not. But Wendy is so right- if something happens to their relationship (or to him), she is up a creek without a paddle. And LW, you have the right to stay at home and be supported and be a SAHM or whatever…but not without a clear understanding with your BF of the parameters of that situation.
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I hate to say, but I find it telling that she doesn’t tell us his age- as in, he is older and she isn’t mentioning her (very real) fear it that the rug is yanked from underneath her when he finds another young thang. But maybe I’m just feeling pessimistic today.
Your boyfriend is getting the best of all worlds here really. You’ve become overly dependent on him and he’s satisfied with the status quo. Plus, without being married he doesn’t have to split assets in the event of a breakup which sound substantial. I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad guy but he really doesn’t have much of any reason to change right now.
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I agree with Wendy, figure out what it is that you exactly want. Then start laying to groundwork to get what you want. If you won’t get what you want from him you need to have a solid plan in place to transition to independence. What are your interests? What are your overall goals?
Here’s my take on this: LW, your boyfriend has a LOT of control in this situation. He knows you’re not going to ever leave because he supports you and you’re on his insurance. It’s time to take some initiative. Get some independence from him. Get a job and if you can, get off his insurance. If he decides to break up with you — and it IS a possibility — you’re screwed right now. Take charge of your life.
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I say get financial independence from him because his actions aren’t matching up with his words and quite honestly I doubt he will ever marry you. You’ve had TWO broken engagements where HE is the one who doesn’t want to follow through. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. You don’t want to be in a situation where you stay just because he is supporting you and you definitely don’t want to be in a situation where you are left with no income.
I really like that Wendy addressed this point: it is not safe to be entirely supported by a boyfriend for years and years ! A break up won’t be like a divorce, it won’t take months and be in front of a judge, it could totally be over in one single day, and then suddenly you have nowhere to sleep that night, no job and no resume.
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The Supreme court of Canada had to pronounce themselves on that very specific issue a few years ago (the famous Lola vs Eric). “What if a woman and a man live together for a long time, have kids together, but never marry, is the man forced to pay alimony on top of child support in case of a separation, in other words, should a couple be automatically married after two years of cohabitation and no other form of ceremony, in the hope of protecting the poor woman who were depending financially on their non-wedded partner ?” I was horrified by this case. Automatically married ? Aren’t we adults that can take our own decisions ?
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LW, don’t be like Lola who was entirely supported by the very rich Eric. Find a way to save money for yourself, find a way to keep your resume up to date.
What you are asking is a way to get him to change his position while at the same time you do not rock the boat or risk your relationship with him. But why should he change his position? HE likes the status quo. There will come the point where you will have decide what you want more….marriage? or him? And he knows it. Unless kids become a game changer for him – I suspect things will just keep as there are. I hope you have some sort of fall back plan in place in case of a break-up or if – god forbid – something happens to your boyfriend. I couldn’t imagine structuring my life so that my entire life and well-being is tied to someone else’s whim.
LW, do you want the wedding or the marriage? There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one. But, you need to think about that. If you really just want to be married, ask him to go to the courthouse and sign the paperwork. Then have friends and family over for a dinner party. That might be an easier sell. If it’s the ceremony…MOA. He’s backed out – TWICE – when you started to make arrangements. Figure out what it is you really want. And, for chrissakes, come up with a contingency plan in case something (anything) happens!
LW, from my limited understanding, if you two break up, you’re entitled to nothing. Sure, you could fight it in court, but legally, you get nothing.
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I’m only saying this because since you’re not working, you should probably take steps to secure some kind of financial future if you ever need it.
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Ok, now I’m going to read Wendy’s advice. And others.
Since you haven’t worked in six years you’ve also put noting toward retirement in six years. It is critically important, if you don’t want to be destitute in your old age, that you start working. If his income is more than enough to support the two of you, you could work and put everything you make into an investment fund for your retirement. Tell your boyfriend that since you aren’t married and won’t inherit from him that you need to know that you will have money when you are retired. He could hire a maid to cook and clean while you go to work. You need to establish a level of independence in case this relationship ends.
As to how to talk to him, I suggest you read “He Wins, She Wins” by Dr. Willard Harley. It describes a process for presenting and working through problems in a marriage/relationship. He does say that if your partner refuses to work on issues you should separate because they don’t care enough about your happiness. You should care about your partners happiness and they should care about yours. I’m not sure that your partner cares enough to work out your issues and it may be time to leave.
Why is your boyfriend supporting you? Sure, it’s nice to be provided for, but what you’ve done is make yourself completely dependent upon him, which gives him all the power. Now, I’m not knocking stay-at-home wives. I’d do it if I could. It would give me lots of free time to pursue my artistic interests. But, at least they have protection in the event the marriage breaks up. You don’t. People say marriage doesn’t matter, but in fact, it does, under certain circumstances. Your BF could kick you to the curb and leave you flat. Or, you might stay in an unhealthy situation because you feel you have nowhere else to go. Give yourself some options and start working and saving. Your BF has given you an answer: he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, maybe he does. But he just doesn’t feel the marriage vibe. If you really want to get married, and I don’t blame you if you do, this is not the guy. My advice to you is to get a job, save some money, and move on.
LW, depending on the state you live in, you actually might have already acquired legal rights to some property. But as it stands now, whatever rights you may have, you would have to fight for them in court. Considering you haven’t really contributed to the partnership at all financially and you don’t have any kids, a judge might not be very sympathetic, so it might be a tough sell. Since your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, the two of you need to look into a cohabitation agreement (like a prenup without the marriage part) and come up with some agreement about how you’re going to be supported if the two of you split up. If he’s unwilling to do that, knowing that it puts you in a precarious position, then you need to start looking for a job and another place to live because he is not the man for you.
You’ve given this man 8 years of you life and you’re 31. How many more years are you willing to live in limbo? How many more years are you willing to give him? A decade? Two decades? If you live with him for another five years with nothing changing will you consider it a mistake? You’ll be 36. What if you turn 40 while waiting for him to marry you? You have to decide how long you can wait and when it is time to leave if nothing changes. How many years are you willing to give him if you aren’t happy? How many of your wants and needs are you willing to forfeit to stay with him?
I agree with Wendy and many of the comments here. I’d also like to stress that “making a plan” can’t just be you sitting around thinking about what you might like to do in the event that your relationship ends. You should meet with a family law attorney to figure out what rights you have, if any, in your current situation. You need to be working and making your own money asap. You need to be contributing to your own savings account and retirement account (Roth IRA, an investment portfolio, something). If your relationship ends, it is likely you will be left with absolutely nothing. You then need to take Wendy’s advice, talk to your boyfriend, and if you decide you can’t stay in the relationship without a marriage then you need to pick an end by which, if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed, you’re leaving. I would suggest an end date of 6 months from now, it will give you enough time get a job and build some savings.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound to me like your boyfriend is ever going to marry you. He’s backed out twice. Whether you stay or leave you need to make some serious changes to protect yourself financially. And remember, if you stay, at any moment he could kick you out into the street with nothing. You need to be prepared.
She needs a plan on how she can support herself. Accidents happen- what if he became incapacitated or worse, how would she be supported. He may never marry her, or leave her, but what happens if he passes away unexpectedly and there’s no documentation stating that his assets be left to her. How could she not have a fall back plan at the age of 31???
Honestly? I love how the prevailing theme here is all about how if this ends, it’s such a tragedy as she will be left with nothing… NOTHING! Um, really? How about the fact that she would be DEBT FREE and has basically had fucking SIX YEARS of PAID VACATION?
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Just saying…
Sounds like he doesn’t want to get married because he is very aware of this thing called divorce and of alimony, of which he would not want to pay her. But she did mention she’s willing to sign any prenuptial agreement… As someone who didn’t want to get married who has gotten married. Marriage itself hasn’t changed anything for me. I guess it’s more of a status thing, people take your relationship more seriously, and if you have kids in the mix, it’s good for them as long as you STAY together. But a marriage is not anymore stable than a dating relationship these days. I don’t feel more secure that I’m married. If I lost my job, my husband couldn’t support me, I make more than him, and he doesn’t even make enough to pay all the bills, but I do. I just don’t see the point of complaining about not being married if you have a successful boyfriend who is paying everything for you… Or would you rather be single and have to pay everything yourself just because he didn’t want to marry you? The grass is not always greener on the other side. Nothing is going to be perfect in any situation, you have to give and take. And apparently being fully taken care of is not what this woman wants.
Hot Woman Problems….