“He Loves Another Woman, But I Still Want to Marry Him”
Afterward, I sat him down and told him I looked at his phone and what I found. I told him I was most upset that he deliberately omitted any information about the girl and that I couldn’t understand why he felt he couldn’t tell me. He equated their friendship to my platonic male friendships. I told him I’ve never omitted telling him!
He explained that he loves her in a platonic way and didn’t understand why I was upset about that. I told him I didn’t think he would be happy either if I was telling my male friends that I loved them — a point that he agreed with. Eventually, we somewhat straightened the mess out, but I later found out he told his friend that I freaked out at him, and then she apparently freaked and they are no longer friends.
Basically, our underlying issue is our difference in communication. I am very upfront about everything and who I’m hanging out with, male or female. It’s my way of trying to include him in my social life since we only see each other on the weekends. He doesn’t quite reciprocate this in the way I’m looking for. I’ve expressed an interest in hearing more about his daily life, but he never shares anything about the people and friendships he cultivates on his own. When I press him, he gets defensive and doesn’t want to share. He tells me I’m crazy, paranoid and that he wants to keep his privacy. I just want to be included and occasionally be told about the other people in his life.
So, how do I better explain this to him? Or am I actually that crazy girlfriend and just can’t recognize it in myself? We have been slowly making plans for marriage (saving money, etc.) but I wonder if that’s truly a good idea. I think breaking up with him right now is a rash decision. But I don’t know how I feel about the thought of him acting like this, brushing any concern of mine off and calling me crazy. What do you think? — Communication Pitfalls
Breaking up with some guy who acts shady, repeatedly disrespects you, tells another woman he loves her, refuses to tell you anything about his daily life or the people he interacts with when you’re not around, and then calls you crazy for wanting to know stuff about him IS NOT A RASH DECISION. You know what would be a rash decision? Marrying the douchebag.
Come on. You can’t be serious, can you? Oh, I know you’re serious. Sadly, for every letter like yours that I post, there are ten others just like it. Ladies, ladies, ladies, let’s get it together. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not the way we — or anyone! — deserves to be treated. Life is not so lonely as a single person that putting up with crap like this is a worthwhile cause. It’s not. I promise!
If we women continue putting up with behavior like you’ve described in your letter, we will continue being miserable. The change you’re looking for isn’t going to come from the guy you’re dating. It’s been 3 1/2 years!! If he were ever going to come around and be the decent sort of boyfriend and human being you want him to be, it would have happened by now. It would have happened after the first time, let alone the second, third, and fourth times you pleaded with him to share more of his life with you. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think you’re going to get married and he’s suddenly going to wake up one morning and be a good guy? It doesn’t work like that.
You are dating a douchebag. He’s going to continue being a douchebag. Why? Because he’s gotten away with being a douchebag for 3 1/2 years now. He’s gotten away with having some sort of secret life from you, complete with women he never mentions, and he has no interest whatsoever in changing that. He chose you because he can get away with being a jerk. If he was forced to make a decision between being a jerk and being with you, I’m sorry to say: you aren’t going to win that contest.
No, the change you’re looking for has to come from you. So, wake up, pull yourself out of whatever fog you’ve been living in all these years, get some freakin’ self-esteem and tell this guy you’re over. He doesn’t deserve you. And this is no kind of relationship to build a future on. Breaking up with this jackass will be the first step you need to take to finally empower yourself and begin a path toward personal fulfillment.
The path you’re on doesn’t lead there, I promise. It only leads to heartache, misery and self-loathing. And there is no way off the path other than dumping your boyfriend. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what you NEED to hear. It’s what so many women in your boat need to hear.
MOA! Enough is enough. Life is too short to spend precious time hoping other people will make the change you want them to make. BE THE CHANGE YOU NEED.
Be the change you need. It’s the only way.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
done and done. good advice as always, wendy. love the fire in your advice!
Amen to that, Wendy!!!!
Ditch the loser, as Wendy says! His claims that you are “crazy” and “paranoid” are just ploys for him to divert your suspicion from his shady, shady ways.
Always pays to be suspicious when someone tries to flip the script on you
I said it before and I’ll say it again. Any guy who calls you “crazy” is only doing so to cover up his suspicious behavior. And how can you consider marrying someone that you hardly know given that he won’t share his daily life? I only see my boyfriend on weekends. But we talk every day and text a lot throughout the day. I know pretty much everything about his life. While that isn’t everyone’s style, you should be very wary of someone who won’t share his life with you. Basically you are just a weekend girlfriend and I can almost guarantee that this is the sort of guy who forgets to mention he has a girlfriend when he’s out at bars hitting on single women. Oh, and having your boyfriend say he loves another woman is always a good reason to break up. always.
Guys who call their current and ex-girlfriends crazy are definitely sending up a red flag. I dated a guy who said all of the exs were crazy, but didn’t think much about it. After we broke, he informed that because we broke up I was now crazy. He was a winner.
I know, it’s sad that women have been guilted into feeling like an emotional reaction is something to be ashamed of.
Why would a guy with nothing to hide feel the need to be “a sneakster so his girlfriend didn’t know” about his ‘platonic’ friendships??
Other than agreeing with Wendy’s advice all I can think to add is that you need to ask yourself is are you thinking of staying because you really love him and want to make things work or because it’s comfortable and you don’t want to be alone. There are far worse things than being alone, like a boyfriend who doesn’t want to share his life with you, calls you crazy and has other ‘girl’friends that he loves.
There are so many things about this that I find very sad.
-The only thing you got from that incident is that you have a communication problem?! Your guy is very possibly either cheating on you or in the very least, is thinking about cheating. The message didn’t say “the girl he loved as friend”, it said “the girl he loved”-period. You know, if it walks like a duck…Why would you believe his half-assed explanation only you would know.
-You have been dating for 3.5 years and you still only see each other on weekends? No Tuesday night movies? No middle-of-the-week dinner? Never? In my opinion, that is only normal if you are in a long distance relationship, and even then, you should find a couple of weeks a year to spend together. Because he is spending that time with someone, very possibly his “platonic” girl friends, and being all proud that “his GF doesn’t know”.
-It is very normal to want to be a part of your SO’s life. You don’t have to spend every moment together, but yes, you should know what he does the other 5 days a week, and who he hangs out with, not in order to keep tabs on him, but to get to know him better as a person. To me, this alone would be a red flag.
Look, you gave it your best shot. You sat down calmly (which shows way more patience than I would have had in this situation). You talked, you explained what you wanted, he refused. This is not a guy you should marry, this is not a guy you should even be friends with because he simply doesn’t really respect you.
i also think it’s odd that after 3 1/2 years they only see each other on the weekends. i can’t even imagine that. i realize that everyone doesn’t follow the same time line but, that’s still along time in a relationship to be spending such a small amount of their time together.
I am really sick of women that are sane, rational, and just asking for a loving stable relationship to accept being called crazy. And then not only that, but they choose to walk on eggshells and cater to their boyfriends because they are afraid of being labled crazy.
Lets get one thing straight – if your boyfriend calls you crazy that should be a HUGE red flag that you are completely sane and just one step closer to discovering something about him he doesn’t want you to know. You know the kinds of guys that have secret second lives? The ones that have multiple girlfiends. I bet Elliot Spitzer had a secret life and his wife just assumed she should relax and trust him and not “act crazy”.
As to whether to break up with him or not – I am not as convinced as Wendy that you need to do that now – although I am surprised you have waited 3 and a half years to suddenly become confused about his secret life – because i’m assuming it has always been like this or you would have mentioned that you were concerned that he had just suddenly quit telling you who he hangs out with and what not. So all that being mentioned – if you can not explain to him that you just want to be a part of his life – his WHOLE life – meaning knowing what he is up to and caring about him even when you two aren’t together – maybe this isn’t a relationship that will ever become more serious than it is now giving you the things you want like marriage. The only thing that makes me think that you should in fact break up now is that he has told you you’re crazy and you didn’t argue and instead started doubting yourself. Seriously? You have such little self esteem that he’s acting shady and you start considering what you should change?
Agreed.
It seems to me the only true “difference in your communication” is the fact that you told the truth. He, in turn, lied, shifted blame, and denied.
Now you’re in denial because you still want to marry this guy in the hope that he’ll change. It hurt when he lied to you. It should hurt even more when you lie to yourself.
Time for some hard truth: He will not change. If he’s lying to you, he’s lying to her. It’s who he is. Do you really want someone like that as a husband? A potential father?
He will not change.
Accept it, and end the denial. End this relationship now and end it for good, for the sake of your self esteem and self respect.
Repeat after me: “He will not change.”
Getting married won’t change him, having kids won’t change him, moving in won’t change him, giving him space won’t change him, smothering him won’t change him. In the same context – “He will not leave his wife/girlfriend/fiancee for you.”
Yes, yes, yes. I became a lot happier person once I realized it was not my job to change and/or rescue people (mainly guys).
OMG the “rescue him” complex. Story of my life. Uck. All the wasted time/energy/emotion…
Yeah… The only ones who truly deserve rescuing are stray puppies… and kittens… and baby birds… 🙂
And the friend who is having a bad day and needs to go out for food/drink/shopping.
Agreed.
Ah yes. The rescue complex. Been there. Almost identical situation. I had no idea it was so common. LW, MOA stat.
If anything he will leave his wife/girlfriend/fiancee for another woman – or women. He will not change, but you can definitely change how you react to guys like this.
By DTMFA for starters, then looking for guys who don’t fit this pattern.
I know this is off topic, but are you going to be contributing while Wendy is taking time off? I always enjoy reading your posts because they’re thoughtful, compassionate, and give clear instructions on what you think should be done.
I didn’t work up enough nerve to ask…and thank you for the compliment.
NEWSFLASH: Guys don’t have completely platonic female friends all that often. When they do, they don’t tell them they love them and then go on to confess to feeling guilty about sneaking around behind their girlfriends’ backs.
You know what that means? IT MEANS IT ISN’T PLATONIC.
I just recently “broke up” with a guy friend because of a similar issue. We truly were just friends, in that nothing ever happened between us, but he had told me he loves me (not often, but more than once), I’m the best friend he’s ever had, I’m the only one who’s ever been there for him blah blah blah, but that he just didn’t feel that way about me.
So yes, I think that some guys are capable of having close, platonic female friends – not that I think that’s the case here – but at the same time, it confused the sh** out of me, and I kinda feel sorry for the girlfriend. I wouldn’t want my bf saying things like that to another girl, and it put me in the uncomfortable position of feeling like “that girl” in someone else’s relationship.
i think it may be possible if the said platonic friend is a friend to the girlfriend as well. i mean, i have some very good guy friends, one that i have known since 5th grade, and i love him very much and would always be there for him. BUT, he also is in my boyfriend’s life- they are friends, my boyfriend has met his family, ect… we are all social together, is what i mean, i guess. there are no secrets. i think that is where the problems are coming in- the secretiveness.
Oh honey, this is not a good relationship. Not at all. There was one thing that struck me as odd and it was this line:
“Basically, our underlying issue is our difference in communication.”
No, your underlying issue is that your d-bag boyfriend is sneaking around behind your back talking to another girl and telling her that he loves her. There is no way on Earth or any other planet that this is a “platonic” relationship. The other underlying issue? You let him treat you the way he does. He doesn’t tell you about ANYTHING in his life and gets defensive and calls you crazy if you want to talk to him like a normal human being? I understand having some privacy, but this a total shut-out. He isn’t just omitting things, he is purposely keeping things from you.
Leaving him now is not a rash decision. If anything, it is a decision that has been delayed too long. How do you expect to ever marry him and have a life together if you aren’t allowed to be in his life? Do not, do not, do not marry this guy. Just don’t do it. Are you that afraid to be alone? I know how that is. I was with someone for 4 years who I knew I didn’t want to be with after about 18 months but I stayed because I was comfortable and didn’t want to be alone. I was much happier when I realized I was better off without a man in my life than I was with him. Move on now so you can find someone who will treat you well, love you without sneaking around behind your back “loving” someone else, and open up to you and embrace your presence in his life.
AMEN, Wendy!!
LW, you say “Basically, our underlying issue is our difference in communication”- I can assure you, that is NOT your underlying issue! Your underlying issue is that you and your BF want different things. As someone else pointed out, he wants regular sex, and a fall back person. You want a life partner. Those are clearly 2 different things!
Why would you allow some loser to treat you this way? Grow a pair and dump him before he dumps you!
I watched a Tosh.0 episode that indicated to me that vagina’s are not able to take a pounding….or the girl in the video was a complete wuss.
At risk of flooding the “most recent comments” with my name I HAVE to apologize for that unnecessary apostrophe in vaginas.
Can I google the Tosh.O thing (because I have no clue what that is) or am I going to get fired for that? 🙂
Amen, Wendy! You told the truth like it needed to be told!
That’s ok, I’m probably cheating with a bunch of people (family and friends) and my animals too then. My issue was that the text said “the girl he loved”… definitely says something more than just a platonic friend that you love.
Agreed with both of you. I just wanted to throw out my clarification now, since we’re being inundated with a plethora of “guys who love you don’t love other people” statements (and variations thereof). It just rubs me the wrong way to think that someday it might be me you were writing about…and all b/c of my undying devotion to my cat.
All those flavors, and only one word for love? The English language sucks sometimes.
It’s just that he said “the girl he loved”. Not “the friend he loved”, not “the girl he loved as a friend”, throw the “sneakster” into that mix, and it really becomes interesting. Unless, of course, he is being a sneakster because he is planning a surprise party for his GF with a “girl he loves platonicly”
Mmm. “Platonically” and “as a friend” are not free passes either. Call a spade a spade – if he loves her romantically, tossing around phrases like “platonic friend” doesn’t make it better.
It’s HIS phone. She’s HIS friend. Presumably, she (other woman) knew what he meant when he said “I love you” no qualifiers (romantically, platonically, douchetastically) would have been needed if no one else was going to read the message. Do you qualify it every time you use the phrase?
You’re right, his phrasing of “the girl I love” is a huge red flag, but it’s because she’s *THE* girl he loves – “the” meaning there is one and only one girl he loves, a girl who is not his girlfriend. As opposed to the presence or absence of a qualifying “I love you…platonically.” Does that make sense? I’m bad at explaining these things.
I understand what you mean. When I say “I love you” to a friend I don’t add “platonically”. I just think that if the girl is just a friend, wouldn’t it make more sense to say “hanging out with the friend I love”, but even that coupled with the other quote sounds sneaky.
Its ok, I have undying devotion to my cats and dogs and my husband gets jealous. He calls one of my cats (who is 19 years old) “the bastard” because the cat gets really possessive of me. He hates when anyone touches me and insists on sleeping between us, etc.
Amen, Wendy. Amen.
LW- this dude is sneaking around, with holding information from you, and telling you you’re crazy. What in the world is your question? Grow some balls and dump this loser. You deserve better.
A relationship is: putting the needs of the person you love above your own and NOT keeping score.
YES on the not keeping score.
A relationship is: the safe place to go at the end of the day to completely be yourself while being motivated to be the best version of yourself.
I couldn’t find a way to formulate the part about being motivated to become a better person, but that is definitely a big part of being in a healthy relationship
A relationship is: talking about goals and dreams and (hopefully) sharing some of both.
Haven’t read Wendy’s response or the comments but:
– He doesn’t want to share details with you because the more clueless you are the easier it is to get away with being a dirty scum bag.
-The girl (you said “friend”, I say “side-squeeze”) freaked because you found out about her.
-YOU DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF BETTER – HE COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD YOU AND IS JUST HAPPY YOU PREFER TO HAVE THE WOOL IN YOUR EYES.
-Lastly, why aren’t you more upset and righteous about exorcising him from your home?
Also, yes he is telling you you are crazy to make you doubt yourself and believe his story…have some freaking confidence in your own ability to assess a situation.
Jeebus I can’t believe I was fooled. I have to amend my 2nd bullet. She totally didn’t freak out…she freaking went under the radar. He told you she freaked so you would stop worrying about it.
Some how manage to give him an STD without giving it to yourself and GTFO of that relationship.
Wow. You really just told her to give this jack hole an STD. So effing funny!
Ugh really LW, this guy is texting some girl behind your back, wont tell you about her, and tells this girl he loves her, cant wait to be with her, and sneaks around on you. What more could you possibly need to find out to make you believe that this guy is cheating on you? It may not be physical yet (probably is though), but he is at least mentally cheating on you. If this girl was really his platonic female friend he would have told you about her right away, introduced you two, and would have tried to get the two girls he supposedly loves to hang out with each other. This guys is definitely playing you for a fool, and you need to dump him now, because since he already got away with it this time, it will be that much easier for him, and every time he gets caught he knows exactly what to tell you so you will stay with him. I just can’t believe you bought all the bullshit your boyfriend was selling you!
LW, your boyfriend seems to get off on being withholding. He rebuffs your many attempts to try to get to know more about his life and he enjoys sneaking around behind your back. Only people who have a need to be “in power” and like stringing people along would do something like that. Not only that, he’s being extremely selfish when he knows that his behavior is hurting you, and he’s making no effort to change.
Other than the difference in communication, I think what’s frustrating you the most is the fact that he’s refusing to include you as a part of his life, and you’re just waiting for the day when he’ll finally open up and incorporate you into his life. I think you might be still holding onto that hope because you’re preparing for marriage (which, unfortunately, won’t change a single thing; it’ll just make things worse because once you’re married you’re actually living with every single problem in your relationship instead of going to your own house to get some escape), but deep down inside you know that it’s not the right solution for you. If you’re having doubts about spending the rest of your life with this man and you’re not even engaged, it’s a pretty big red flag. You mentioned in your letter that you weren’t sure of how you felt, so I would definitely recommend taking some time to yourself to figure what you really want from a relationship and whether breaking up with him would really be all that bad.
Good luck, LW!
Honey, where exactly do you intend to draw the line? Where is the point that you stop bartering your self-respect for the semblance of a relationship? Is it at disrespect? At disloyalty? At lying? At infidelity? At the point where he is confessing his love for another woman? Or will you wait to catch him having sex with someone else in your bed? Or when he gives you an STD? Will you wait until disrespect spirals into contempt and abuse? Where exactly is your line in the sand? What is your self-respect worth to you?
You know what you need to do.
ugh, this dude is a straight up player and the LW has got her head buried in the sand…”hang out with the girl he loved” and “being a sneakster so his girlfriend didn’t know.” this is all the evidence i would need that the guy is a total cheater…you don’t tell platonic friends you love them, you don’t sneak around behind your girlfriends back and brag about it, because number one it is dishonest and number two it is disrespecting your girlfriend… personally i don’t know why either of these women would want anything to do with this guy. its letters like this that make me glad i am single.
I want to add my voice to this growing chorus of “move on.”
LW, please hear this: You should not feel guilty about wanting to be involved in your boyfriend’s life, or for asking about his friends and daily activities. That is not being clingy or possessive or crazy. It’s normal for people in relationships to want to share things with each other and tell each other about their day — especially when they don’t see each other every night. His avoidance of your questions, the way he shuts the conversation down by saying, “Don’t worry about it” … that’s not a difference in communications styles. That’s his way of shielding his life from you, and only giving you crumbs of what a true relationship is.
When he tells you you’re invading his privacy, what he’s really saying is that you’re crossing the lines he’s drawn for you, and and you’re finding out too much about his true self. And that true self is someone who is emotionally (if not physically) cheating on you. It’s someone who doesn’t value you enough to let you in.
The way things stand now, you aren’t even really in a relationship. If it were me, I would tell him that he’ll be happy to know he’ll soon be getting all the privacy he wants because you’re leaving.
Haha awesomely hilarious to break down what he’s doing. I couldn’t quite explain why his need for “privacy” was so irrational, but you’re dead on.
Yess, the only thing I needed to hear from this letter to know the bf is a douche is that he ACTUALLY said “Don’t worry about it” to avoid answering something. Ajfds;ajkga!!!! That is the worst.
My boyfriend has platonic female friends. I know all of them, he tells me when he’s hanging out with them, and we all go out together on occasion. He does not tell them he loves them, and he does not hide them from me. Because nothing is going on with them. You don’t have a communication issue. You have a cheating issue.
“We have a communication problem” is fast becoming the most over-worked phrase and conclusion. LW — you do not have a communication problem, you have a cheating problem. If your bf were a perfect and honest communicator he’d say “I’ve found this other woman that I want to cheat with. I think I might like her better than I like you, but I don’t know for sure, so I want to stay with you while I see how things work out. I may come back to you full-time, at least until the next good opportunity with a hot woman comes along. I hope that’s ok with you. I don’t like talking about this or having you look at my phone messages, because, although this is what I really want to do, it is a little awkward when you know about it and I don’t know quite how to explain it, so that you’ll be okay with it. Really, you’ve been just great to me and I sincerely hope that never changes.” Would that really make the situation at all better? Does it really add any information that you don’t already have?
Listen honey, your problem isn’t communication – it’s that this your BF is has had an emotional (and possibly physical) affair with this other woman.
Please listen to Wendy’s reply and the advice in all the comments. There’s a reason we all agree this guy is a giant d-bag.
BREAK UP WITH HIM! There is no doubt in my mind that this is what you need to do!!
Even if you take the possible cheating out of the equation, you still have someone who doesn’t include you in his social life, doesn’t share any information about his day-to-day activities and gets defensive when you ask, calls you CRAZY or PARANOID and completely brushes off any concerns that you have, and basically doesn’t take your feelings/wants/needs into consideration in any way whatsoever.
Ugh, I got mad just reading this. He is SUCH a douche. PLEASE do not allow him to continue this behavior.
I know there must be SOME good in this relationship to keep you hanging on, but Wendy is right: it’s time to MTFOA!!! (Move the Fuck on Already!!)
WTG, Wendy!!
Seriously, LW, you seem nice, but so, so naive. Dating for 3.5 years is serious, and the fact that you aren’t intimately involved in the details of his life is a red flag .. scratch that, it’s a whole army of red flags.
I understand the importance of communication, but if he just doesn’t give a shit, you can talk your head off and it won’t make one bit of difference. Communication only works if everyone’s listening.
This one doesn’t need much explanation: just dump the guy. You don’t need to rationalize it, you don’t need to think it through, you don’t need to try and “straighten things out”: he’s bad news. Just dump him. And to be perfectly honest I wouldn’t really give him the benefit of an explanation either-I’d just tell him “sorry our relationship isn’t working for me anymore.” Don’t give him anymore ammo to call you crazy-just simply say “I’m no longer interested”
Your cat is accessible by txt? Cool 🙂
Tears poured down my cheeks as I read this. I have tried so hard to get the women in my life to have more respect for themselves, that it is okay to have standards and expectations, and to be the change they want in their lives…As I read it though I am reminded of my own relationship, and the way that I make excuses for behaviour I swore to myself I would never put up with, and here I am still making excuses for love for the 2nd…3rd…4th time…
Thank you, Wendy (and all the wonderful posters on this site!) for reminding me to see things as they are, not as I wish them to be-and that no matter what, there will always be people who can help you see the light 🙂
Good luck, honey! Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.
And your response made me want to cry.
It sounds like you know what’s what. I’ve been you (and I’ve been the LW). Making excuses. Wanting to believe things are different.
Please trust me- it may be inconvenient and very scary to break up with someone. Your lives are so intertwined. But, you WILL feel so much better. I am guessing you live with a little (or big) pit in your stomach. It is CONSTANT. You can make it go away. You can make yourself feel like you’ve lost a million pounds. Why keep doing this with someone that hurts you? What’s the point? You may love this person, but love is supposed to lift you up. Stop being pushed down!
Wishing you the best!
LW, I hope that all of these comments help break down the huge wall of denial that you are hiding behind. If you really need proof to see what is so glaringly obvious to everyone reading your letter, why not call your boyfriend’s platonic friend and calmly ask her about the situation? As for the moving slowly towards marriage bit, you are also moving slowly towards divorce! This guy has “communicated” who he is quite clearly to you, but you are refusing to believe it. The money you are saving for your future wedding would be much better spent on a therapist to help you figure out why you allow yourself to be treated so poorly. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have been both cheated on and cheated with, and at one time was every bit as deep in denial as you seem to be now. Hopefully you will be smarter than I was and not have to learn these things the hard way!
I see my husband only on weekends since he’s stationed two hours away, and I know everything about his days. I know what he trained in, how his dog did, what he’s doing that night and who he’s going with. I don’t even have to ask for this information: it’s freely given because we enjoy sharing our days with each other since we cannot physically be with each other until Friday. That’s love. Period.
You are a fool. Your boyfriend says that he is sneaking around on you, and you think that it’s just communication that’s your problem? Tells a woman he loves her ‘platonically’, but wont talk to you about her? You snuck into his phone because you don’t trust him, and for good reason. Wake up and smell the douchebag in the bed next to you.
Holy frack! This isn’t a relationship – it’s a disastrous break-up waiting to occur. The longer you refrain from doing this, the worse-off you’ll be. A relationship is not a weekend thing – it’s something that you develop over time, with great consideration and mutual respect. The minute he stopped communicating with you in order to develop that consideration and mutual respect, he stopped being in the relationship. I would say he checked himself out the day you asked about this girl and he responded with “Don’t worry about it.” There is no consideration or respect for your feelings in that response.
DTMFA. For real.
DTMFA!
I am 100% against snooping, but letters like this make me feel like snooping is necessary.
Why oh why oh WHY are there so many douche bag boyfriend letters on here recently???? Good grief.
Hint: If your spidey-sense is telling you that there’s something not right and something is going on that he’s not telling you about, chances are you’re right. Most of us girls have great intuition. I hate that so many resort to looking at their significant other’s phone instead of talking to them outright about an issue. That just opens up another can o’ worms.
All right, LW. :::deep breath::: I want to say all of this to you in a way that I think you need to hear it.
What your “boyfriend” is doing to you is one-half starter emotionally abusing asshole, one-half cheating asshole (and don’t be fooled: if he wasn’t cheating on you yet, he was veryveryvery close to doing so – whether with this “friend” or other “friends”). He devalues your opinion & your feelings. He calls you crazy and makes you question your own sanity. He has eroded your sense of self-worth. (because surely, no self-respecting person would tolerate that kind of treatment from a friend, let alone a significant other). I did a Google search to find some ways to identify emotional abuse for you and found some questions that I think may specifically relate to your situation, so I wonder what your responses would be if you could asked yourself: “Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you? Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem? Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?” Yes, yes, and yes? He chooses to tell you nothing about his life because as long as he avoids talking about it altogether, he can avoid slipping up on the detailed lies he’d have to create to keep you in the dark about all the things he’s doing that a trustworthy significant other shouldn’t.
Don’t you realize?? “Hang[ing] out with the girl he loves” should be a phrase reserved for his time with YOU! “Being a sneakster so his girlfriend didn’t know” is not necessary when he’s not doing anything wrong! After 3.5 years, why, oh why, don’t you respect yourself enough to DEMAND better from someone who is your potential mate? Love yourself more!
A couple of years ago, my husband began his own love affair… with his job. We’re still young. Too young to be spending our lives at work and being too stressed, worn out, or sick to enjoy our time together at home. I cried, I screamed, I railed(!) against becoming second place to his job & the effects it had on him. I DEMANDED better because as the woman he loved, I DESERVED better, and today, we are better than ever because he (and I!) loved me enough to recognize it & do something about it. In love, YOU DESERVE BETTER than someone who hides their life from you, who puts you down for daring to care, who sends questionable texts to women you don’t know, and who obviously isn’t making an effort to do better! There are other fish in the sea! For the love of god, throw this one back and go fish!!
“I told him I was most upset that he deliberately omitted any information about the girl and that I couldn’t understand why he felt he couldn’t tell me.”
Oh, my goodness.
This would have been an excellent letter for His Take. I think the guys might have had a few suggestions to help the LW understand why he felt he couldn’t tell her.
I have said this before, and I’ll say it again….
hold the people you choose to be in your life to VERY high standards.
i wonder what exactly this guy is doing that is meeting ANY “usual” standards in relationships… to me -and maybe i’m the crazy one- he is epically failing at meeting any sort of standards set in a healthy relationship
what exactly are your standards, LW?
So about that privacy thing… Privacy is a great thing. But what he’s wanting is not privacy. It’s secrecy. My boyfriend and I are both big on having our privacy, meaning that we’re not jealous when we go out with friends, we don’t go through each other’s stuff, and we don’t read text messages and emails. It does NOT mean that we hide our friendships from each other or that we refuse to share our social lives. AND we’re long distance and don’t even see each other every weekend. I know the nature of all of his female friendships, even if I don’t know every time he goes to lunch with one. He knows about the guys I talk to, even though I don’t tell him every time we talk. And if something fishy comes up, we share it with each other because that’s what you do in an honest relationship.
I think this situation is really suspicious, but I suppose I can see how you might want to give him another chance. If you do, you need to very clearly draw out what “privacy” means, and what your expectations are in order to have a healthy relationship. AND DON’T FUDGE ON THEM.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand or doesn’t need it explained better. He knows what you’re saying and is trying to play you. Don’t let him. There is absolutely no reason for a guy to sneak around with some other girl and tell her he loves her, friends or not. It might seem less weird if they had grown up together or something (the loving, not the sneaking), but that’s neither here nor there. A shady boyfriend is bad enough, but the fact that he dismissed your concerns and then whined about it is inexcusable.
I think the next column should be “You know you’re dating a douche bag when…”
Wow. Had to chime in. LW, the biggest thing I’m concerned about is how you accepted without question that it was okay for your boyfriend to call you crazy. That is why you accepted his story about this girl, and that is why you are accepting partial blame for this fight. Imagine instead what would have happened had you voiced a very real concern and his response was an apology, a validation of your feelings, and a discussion about how this could be avoided in future. Can you imagine the sense of relief? I dated several men in a row who were faithful but made me feel that my being involved in their lives and vice versa was being demanding, clingy, needy, and my favorite, “like you think we’re married” (which was said after over a year together and I suggested he join my family for Christmas dinner). My concerns were dismissed, and my requests were met with rolled eyes.
There are men out there who see your fear and hurt as valid. There are men you don’t have to beg to be around you. There are men with whom you can confess insecurities and needs without dismissing them. The first time my boyfriend and I had a disagreement, my stomach was in knots – I had very little to expect other than feeling like a silly, emotional, crazy woman after – but an amazing thing happened. He listened. He held my hand, he asked questions if he was confused, he offered his own view without discounting mine, and he came up with what we could both do to fix things. I was so relieved I cried. And he brought me Kleenex.
You can have this. You don’t have to feel like a piece of shit for admitting your feelings. You’re not asking too much, and you’re not even getting what you ask for now. Guys like mine exist. Lose this emotionally manipulative dick and go find one.
Oh, honey. Listen to your Aunt Pinky. Listen very carefully.
RUN!
Do not walk. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Do not accept calls from him or have any further communication with this guy. He is emotionally abusive. Please take care of yourself. Please protect yourself. Your letter really scared me.
Here’s a link:
rash decision?!
honey, the only “rash” here comes from all the sexually transmitted diseases this dickwad will be bringin’ home – if he hasn’t already.
maybe this will make me sound like a jerk, but I am always a trifle disappointed when the LW’s situation is so obvious to everybody that there is no conflict in the comments section. I mean, it’s great that the LW has such a clear path forward, but for my own edification, I love my bread and circuses. Maybe next time, sigh . . .
Thank God the LWs on here are finally turning out to be such strong, confidant women who truly have their act together at long last… The cool, level headed and straight forward thinking this young lady bravely displays here is truly the standard to which everyone on the planet (male and female) should aspire to…
Also, Mahatma Ghandi. =)
I think people are forgetting that men commonly feel a strong sense of infidelity when their partner physically does something with someone else. If a woman has a touchy guy friend then her boyfriend my be more on the defense even if they are just friends. Women however feel a greater impact when their partner is committing infidelity on an emotional level. So in the LW’s case yes he may be just friends with this woman that he “loves” (I don’t believe it for a second for the record), but love is a strong emotion so that’s going to naturally cause her to wonder if he’s more emotionally connected to this woman over her. From my experiences and perspective women have to coach themselves that a true male > female friendship doesn’t mean he’s connecting with her on an emotional level she isn’t at and it’s ok. It takes a while.
Umm…he texted another woman ‘I don’t want to be a sneakster”. Which I’m assuming means he didn’t want to sneak behind his girlfriend’s (you) back in order to see this friend. Yet, he refuses to tell you about said friend or any friend for that matter, thus he’s being a “sneakster”.
I think this guy gets off on the “sneaking”. Whether he’s actually doing anything sexul or whatnot with these women I think he enjoys the whole secret, behind your back, you have no idea what he’s up to, thing.
This fun game he enjoys will only progress when you are married. (ooooh now it’s even more sneaky and exciting when wifey doesn’t know).
Break up with him!
Absolutely dead on Wendy!!! It’s about time someone came right out and said, “Dump the asshole already!!” and about being our own change rather than waiting for someone else to change for us.