“He Says He Has a ‘Fear of Relationships'”
When we got back, we kept seeing each other, but he hasn’t seemed all that interested in getting to know me. Our conversation revolves around flirting and sex. I’ve tried to steer it otherwise, but it’s very hard when he doesn’t seem too invested.
Then he tells me his live-in ex of over a year cheated on him with a married man. I’ve also been cheated on by my ex, so I know how devastating it can be. But he says he thinks he has a fear of relationships now. And that brought a red flag to mind of “commitment phobe!” I’m hoping not but after observing how he is with me, I’m worried he might be.
He’s going away for work in a week and will be gone for a few weeks or so; I’m worried I’m going to get hurt again. He knows I like him, but he never compliments me unless it’s in a sexual way. And whenever I’ve been worried and tried confronting him, he becomes all ambiguous or tries to avoid it by saying we’ll talk more later and “we only just met” which, ok, maybe, but a lot has happened, some of which I regret, like sleeping with him too soon.
Please help! What do I do to get him to see me in a different light? Aside from not knowing if he really wants to be with me or just wants a mistress, it’s the best relationship of my life! And I feel like we could be really good together if only he wasn’t afraid to open up. It’s driving me nuts to say the least! — Different Light Needed
Unless this is the ONLY relationship you’ve ever had, it’s hard to fathom how this is “the best relationship” of your life. You said yourself he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you, he never compliments you, and your conversations revolve around flirting and the topic of sex.
This isn’t even really a relationship. This is a 40-year-old guy preying on a naive, inexperienced 25-year-old young woman. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He just wants to have sex with you and maybe hang out a little bit. This isn’t about him being cheated on before or him being a commitment-phobe or you sleeping with him “too soon.” None of that matters. It’s irrelevant because…he just doesn’t care that much about you. I’m sorry.
Take a lesson from this two-week relationship: When a guy tells you he has a “fear of relationships,” that’s code for he “just wants to bang you without any strings attached.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
WWS
WWS
For one thing, you really haven’t known him that long. For another, this can’t be the best relationship of your life, because this is only barely a relationship. And the kind of relationship it is, is friends with benefits. You might really like him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to date you, and do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you have to convince to care about you? Cause that actually sounds pretty depressing.
There’s nothing wrong with friends with benefits relationships, if that’s something you enjoy. But that doesn’t sound like what you want with him, so MOA
Dude, if you have to write to an advice columnist about a guy you’ve been seeing for 2 weeks, MOA. And don’t beat yourself up for having sex with him “too soon”. Sex should be fun, not something you use as a bargaining tool to get a guy into a relationship.
‘Or so he says…’, so you don’t believe that he’s never been married or you’re not sure? Also it’s been two weeks no matter how fast you’ve moved you did only just meet! If you’re unhappy with how fast you moved tell him that. But, the one thing you can’t do is make him want the same things you do. Also maybe listen to what you’ve learned from this if two weeks is two soon for you to do certain things with a potential bf without being outside of your comfort zone, then next time, don’t.
Everybody say it with me now: “He just wants to fuck you.” (It’s actually pretty fun to chant. Especially if you clap along as you say “He” “wants” and “fuck.”)
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And LW, it’s fine if he just wants to fuck you. But if you want a relationship, find it with someone else.
WWS. If you are looking for a relationship, look somewhere else. And women of the world: You can have sex with someone the first time you meet them and get married and stay together forever. How early you have sex really doesn’t matter when someone cares about you and respects you.
Good grief. We say around here a lot if a guy tells you who he is or what he wants, BELIEVE HIM. He told you outright that he doesn’t want a relationship. Don’t hold out for him because he doesn’t want what you want. It has absolutely nothing to do with timing — you would NEVER be good together.
This “relationship” is not built on sturdy ground. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you and that’s concerning. In the beginning of the relationship, things *should* be easy. It should still be new and awesome. You shouldn’t be trying to “convince” him to have a relationship with you.
Look, I’ve been there. I know how uneasy it feels and I know how much you WANT to have a relationship with him. I was in the exact same boat. I can also tell you if I could have a do over in my situation, I would have MOA’ed a LOT sooner.
LW– You do know that if a man on crutches approaches you in a parking lot and asks for help putting something in his car that he’s most likely a serial killer, right?
“Oh honey. No.” That was actually my first thought. This is just so much no.
Like someone else said, you should never have to convince someone to go out with you. If he actually wanted to have a relationship – if you were someone he cared about to have a relationship with – it wouldn’t matter how scared he was. He wouldn’t care, or he’d figure something out.
Look, there’s no secret formula to deciding the absolute perfect timing to sleep with a man so that he won’t think you’re slutty (I still don’t understand how a man can think that of a woman he himself has had sex with) and won’t think you’re a prude. I hate that women still feel like prudes and whores are the only kinds of women you can be, and I hate that we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that having sex (or waiting till we’re comfortable) with someone we’re attracted to can ruin a relationship with that person.
If a man dumps you because he feels like you “gave it up” too soon (ugh), the problem is not that you had sex. The problem is that you had sex with an asshole, and you dodged a bullet.
Ok, so I get what everyone is saying. And this guy really does sound like he just wants to sleep with this LW and noting more. But….
What happened to just dating. Two weeks is NOT long in my opinion. Why do people have to decide within two weeks if they need a relationship? I know everyone is different, but for me, that’s moving way too fast.
In summary, yes, I think this guy is probably an a hole. Especially given his age. I also think the LW is jumping the gun a bit. Maybe if she said two months….
LW, you need to chill the hell out. It’s no wonder the guy is wary of a relationship with you. If this is how much drama you’re generating after two weeks, the thought of how much you’d create after 2 years would alarm anyone. Parsing every compliment? Saying “a lot has happened” when it’s only been two weeks?
Back off. If he’s interested, he’ll act interested. If he’s not, you just saved yourself from wasting any more time on him.
WWS, WEES. I mean, yeah, it’s only been 2 weeks, but to me, the writing is on the wall? This guy is a 40-year-old musician who has the “I’m so hurt by my cheating ex” line & “Let’s go on random crazy adventures, I’m so freeee” persona down to a art. LW, you seem to be looking for women’s mag type advice like “Don’t worry if you slept with him ‘too soon'” (which, I agree with everyone else, there is no “too soon”) “—you can still backtrack by hanging out during the day! Refuse late-night booty calls! Hint around being taken out to dinner!” But I can tell you, even if you waited & shown you wanted to be DATED (however one does that?) this guy would still want a fling. Because that’s what he wants. I know you like him, but it’ll probably be best to drop things for the sake of your heart, & let this romance be a fun story you tell to friends…
Aim higher!
It’s been 2 weeks.
He lost interest because you stopped having sex with him.
FFS.
This guy doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to bang you. Not everyone wants to have a relationship!!!! So ladies (or anyone, for that matter), if you want to be in a relationship, look for someone who also wants to be in a relationship. Why is this concept so difficult for people?!
I have food in my fridge older than your relationship, LW.
ha 2 weeks, that’s like a short shelf-life for things hanging around in my fridge…
I have food older than two weeks! Our CSA veggies hold super well.
“What do I do to get him to see me in a different light?”
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Be less easy.
I guess my biggest question is why you even want this. What’s so alluring about trying to convince a man that he should want to be with you? Don’t you want a relationship with someone who isn’t afraid of them?
Eh, it’s too simple to cast the guy as the villain. But hardly accurate. Look, sorry, this LW is not naive — but instead rather dim. He has been VERY upfront that he is NOT into relationships. He has told her this. Repeatedly. She just refuses to hear it… Meanwhile, her own behavior — falling into bed without even so much as a real date would definitely make many a man think she is not exactly looking for a deep relationship either.
PS — What delusion makes some think that a man saying he has a fear of commitment somehow truly means he wants YOU to help him get over it? Trust me — when somebody says they have a fear of heights — it isn’t code for “but by all means, please take me skydiving.”
The foundation of this “relationship” is sex. So, it’s pretty much only going to be about sex. Sure there are some people out there interested in getting to know you afterwards, but I think your best bet is to get know someone before, just so you can avoid these kinds of problems. If you don’t like to have sex without commitment, that’s perfectly fine & don’t listen to those who tell you that you should feel otherwise. Personally, I don’t get the appeal of even being naked in front of a stranger, let alone sex. To each their own. But if you don’t like having sex without a relationship, then don’t have sex til there is a relationship. And this is not even a relationship, especially since it’s only 2wks, and he clearly has no desire to know you (except in the biblical way…). Be true to yourself. Find someone who handles sex & relationships the same way you do.
LW, sex isnt your issue. people (exhibit A: above commenters) will pretend like it is, but it really isnt the issue. now, it is an issue- it breaks my heart that you are feeling guilt and/or sadness and/or regret about having sex with this guy… it breaks my heart because i remember what that feels like. so for you, separate of this whole pretend relationship problem, you need to tackle this negative sex thought process and patterns you have embodied. where did you learn it? how often has it affected you? do you agree with it? really tackle this, learn from this, and if need be, change your frame of mind, because i cannot tell you how freeing it is to make your own decisions about sex sans regret and/or sadness and/or guilt. its incredible. get to that spot for yourself, in whatever capacity that takes.
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now, about this pretend relationship- oh LW, two weeks? really? i mean i get that this guy is showing signs of being a dick, but- TWO WEEKS?? do you not see how crazy this is? because its crazy. this guy is doing nothing wrong- he met someone, had sex with them, took a mini vacation with them, and has continued a mostly sexy fling with them. all of that is fine! it sounds fun in the right circumstances. but it is not a relationship. and there is nothing you can do to make it so. that is just not how life works. so, you have three options- 1. you leave, because this isnt the type of relationship you want to be a part of, 2. you stay, hoping and praying that he will eventually read your mind and do what you want him to, or 3. you accept this type of relationship as the type of relationship that he is willing to offer and have fun. option 2 is for crazypants people, so you have 1 or 3.
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ps for the future, you might want to actually get to know a guy before you push for commitment. you know, date him, have some fun, see what kind of person he is BEFORE you even start to think about whether you two should be together. insta-commitment is not always a good thing. the need for it, in my opinion, points to something missing in your life … and that something will never be filled with a relationship, fyi.
I used to think that having sex too soon made the guy lose interest in me. I slut shamed myself. Honestly, though, whenever I really *thought* about it, I realized that frame of mind didn’t make any sense. ‘If only I would have waited a few weeks to have sex with him- then he’d still be interested in me!’ what? Where did we get that idea? 90’s rom com’s? Like keeping your body from a guy casts this magical spell on him that makes him fall in love with you? Nah, it’s just that if he was going to lose interest in you after having sex with you on the first date, he was going to lose interest no matter what.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting a bit before hopping in the sack if you get easily attached or put a lot of power on sex (sex=love), but that won’t get a man to fall in love with you and want a relationship with you. That will only keep you from having sex with the men who don’t.
LW, re-read what you wrote and try to look at your “relationship” with an outsider’s point of view. It’s pretty black and white. Not every guy who buys you drinks wants to have a relationship with you. That’s okay. It really has nothing to do with you. Be flattered that he finds you attractive and move on if you want something more substantial than a booty call. Chalk this situation up to “wanting different things” and move on. You will drive yourself *insane* analyzing every guy you go on one date with.
All I have to say is IT’S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS!!!! Chill out girl!
You seem to think that deeming him to be a commitment-phobe after he says he is afraid of relationships is jumping the gun, but that’s essentially what he flat out told you. I think the concept of a commitment-phobe is used when it really shouldn’t be — like simply not wanting a relationship doesn’t mean you’re “afraid” of commitment — but regardless, he told you he doesn’t want a relationship. And to top it off, he acts like he doesn’t want a relationship.
If someone tells you explicitly that they don’t want to be with you that way and then backs that up with action, then believe them.