“He Still Hasn’t Made NYE Plans With Me”
If you want to know if the guy’s interested in hanging out on NYE, just ask him already. Don’t waste your time and energy being passive-aggressive. Most guys — especially ones who are, for all intents and purposes, in a relationship and therefore not thinking about whether they’re going to find someone to sex them up on NYE — don’t really put much thought into the occasion. It’s very possible that your dude, who lets you initiate everything, simply assumed the two of you are going to do something together and you’ll just do the organizing like always and let him know what’s up.
But perhaps you’re writing because you’ve had suspicions your dude is over it. Or maybe since he is seemingly the kind of guy who never plans or organizes anything, just once, you’d love it if he took the initiative and planned a nice night out for you two. And if you’re feeling either of these scenarios, you’re still being passive-aggressive by setting up this “trap” for him and watching and waiting for him to walk right into it.
If you really want to get to the bottom of his behavior, just communicate with him already. Tell him what you’re feeling. Tell him you want to spend NYE with him and you’d love if he planned something, or at least initiated a conversation with you about plans. Tell him that going forward, you would love if he’d take a little more agency for planning things for you two to do together – that it would make you feel loved and cared for an important to him. This will be far more productive than sitting around waiting for him to either pass or fail a test you’ve set up for him and finding yourself with no plans and a broken heart on NYE.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Amen, Wendy! If the LW can’t bring herself to ask her boyfriend about NYE plans, then that says a lot about her mindset and security with this relationship.
You sound like someone whose dude has left her hanging on NYE and you’re bitter about it and Googling advice and found my column and taking out your resentment on me. I wish you peace in the new year and hope you find healthier, more productive ways to cope with your loneliness.
I wish her the ability to use punctuation.
Geez, freak out much? With wrapping up things at my job before leaving for vacation, preparing for my Christmas Eve party, doing Christmas shopping, and just catching up on everything I’ve been putting off until I had a day off, NYE is the last thing on my mind. If it were December 28th, yes, you probably should be a little worried, but you still have time.
Secondly, if you have planned EVERYTHING EVER, why would he think to start planning this now? I’m sure he think you already have it taken care of. If you want him to take responsibility for it, sit him down, ask him to plan the evening for you, and outline what you have in mind. If you want to go to a fancy party with a champagne toast, tell him! Otherwise, don’t act all pissed off when you end up in a cocktail dress, sitting on his friend’s couch, playing video games all night.
When you say you’ve been dating several months I’m going to guess that means between three and four and you’ve initiated everything? Like every date? If that’s the case then instead of seeing if it happens again which it seems like you’re assuming he’s going to, talk to him! And I think the other thing people assume about NYE is that everyone feels the same way about it. I really dislike NYE, I don’t really know why, I’ve just never been a fan. I’m perfectly fine sitting at home with ice cream and Dick Clark and going to bed, BEFORE midnight. Now I sound like I’m 80, which I’m not, but my point is, if you don’t let your SO know that NYE is important to you, they might not realize, especially if you’ve only been dating 4 months.
It’s also strange to me that you say in your letter that he might ignore you on that night. What makes you think that? Do you feel like he ignores you at other times?
*sigh* If you are so immature that you can’t talk to your boyfriend about it, then why don’t you just break up with him so he can find an actual woman and not a girl-child parading around with a pair of tits?
Grow the fuck up and put on your big-girl panties and ask him. You have obviously spent enough time over-analyzing this shit with yourself, your friends, and now DW and by extension – us. Now do the grown up thing and do what you should have done in the first place and ask him. You have big girl words, use them.
***For the record – AKchic has no patience for this kind of stuff today and probably should just avoid commenting on the obvious***
This is unnecessarily harsh. You have a perfectly valid point, but do you need to condescend to the LW? This is the kind of comment that I would guess makes the LWs feel attacked on this site.
Yeah, comments like this scare me away from writing into DW. Telling her to dump her bf so he can find a REAL woman, b/c she’s a little insecure/inexperienced? Yeesh. Don’t worry, LW, lots of us overanalyze our relationships and need to work on better communication at some point; this doesn’t make you a horrible girlfriend, just one who is learning like the rest of us. I’m sure even AKchic hasn’t always been The Perfect Woman.
It’s December 20th. Most men have just started to think about Christmas shopping today.
(ok maybe not MOST…. but many)
I’d venture a guess that many men start thinking about New Years Eve somewhere around December 29th.
I haven’t bought a single present yet. I’ll do it on thursday I think.
Just friggin ask him. Or if you want him to make the plans, tell him that. “You know what babe? I’d really like it if you planned a nice date for the two of us for NYE!”
Honestly, you need to talk to the guy. Because most men don’t understand women AT ALL when they’re trying to give silent hints. It doesn’t work. She’s upset cuz she didn’t get what she wants, and he’s just confused and wondering what happened. TALK TO HIM.
This is so true. I constantly have to fight back my passive aggressive tendencies because I know it will do no good our relationship. You only set yourself up to have hurt feelings when you silently test your boyfriend (“if he doesn’t do X, then he doesn’t really care about me”). The only thing he’ll pick up on is that you’re stewing and mad at him about *something*, but he won’t know how to fix it.
LW, you have to just come out and let him know what you’re hoping will happen on NYE. Don’t wait for him to not make plans and then think, “Aha! I knew he never cared. This proves it.” You’ll end up “right,” but heartbroken.
*From my male perspective*
It’s almost New Year’s Eve? Interesting. I should maybe do something.
Awesome response.
*laugh*
My SO turns 30 and my 3rd son turns 8 on New Year’s Day. We KNOW when New Year’s is because we’ve got a kid counting down not only Christmas, but his birthday as well. And he doesn’t want to share a cheesecake with John this year. Jake wants a Phineas and Ferb birthday cake this year. They both still want beer-battered halibut for dinner though. AND homemade macaroni & cheese.
Anyone want to come help?
I will help if I get to eat homemade macaroni and cheese and two kinds of cake 🙂
*laugh* Can’t guarantee baby moose in the yard, but I can guarantee weird children!
LOL i know we’ve already had the conversation on an earlier thread, but… i told a guy i’m dating when he asked that anything involving puzzles & new journals would be appreciated for NYE : )))
anywayz, yes, you don’t have anything if you don’t have communication. so tell him: “oh actually i feel weird saying this because i feel like i have been initiating a lot of plans & i don’t want to pressure you, but i feel so good spending time with you & it would be so nice to have NYE plans with you : ) what do you think?”
voila : )
I get you’re in this weird “Still a new relationship so you don’t want to make assumptions but together long enough that you are important to one another” phase so you may not quite know where you stand.
However, I’ve got to agree with Wendy, just ask him. It doesn’t have to big and serious, “Where do we stand?” sort of talk. Just ask him what he’s thinking for NYE, and if he would want to do something with you. Bonus points if you already have a few ideas (likely he doesn’t have any). If you’ve already done this, and he’s still being evasive, well maybe that is a sign he’s not that into you. But if you two haven’t even talked about it, I’d assume he just hasn’t thought about it yet.
And for the record, my boyfriend (whom I’ve been with for YEARS), hasn’t asked me about NYE’s yet either. And I doubt its because he doesn’t want tobe with me that night; he just hasn’t given it any thought.
Well I would say that if you are pretty young that he probably already has started to think about it, and or has plans. I would definitely talk to him abour this, because if you don’t, with the amount of time you have been dating he will probably leave you out of his plans, and not feel bad about it, until he finds out that was what you have been pissed about. If he is in his mid to late 20’s or older I would say he hasn’t even thought about it yet, so again just talk to him about it. I really think it would have been way way way easier to go up this guy, and say “hey what are our plans for NYE?” than to write into here, and have people most likely go a little nuts, and tell you that you have bigger issues, if you can’t communicate over something so simple. (I don’t think that is the problem, I just think that is the reaction you are going to get)
“with the amount of time you have been dating he will probably leave you out of his plans”- yeah but doesn’t he want some sexy time that night too? And logically that person would be his new girlfriend? Or are men not looking to hook up on NYE? Is that just a female expectation?
I’m pretty sure this is less about NYE than it is about how he “never initiates anything,” your fear that “he doesn’t even care,” and your suspicion that he may not be that into you.
The fact that you’re thinking all of these things is pretty solid evidence that they all exist. People who feel cared about and whose boyfriends are into them typically don’t have reason to think the opposite, as you do.
As the others have said, ask him about NYE. But most importantly – If you feel like your boyfriend isn’t that into you, you should probably spend some time examining that particular feeling. You shouldn’t initiate everything, particularly in a new relationship, and you should feel (again…particularly in a new relationship) like your boyfriend cares. If you don’t…MOA.
“The fact that you’re thinking all of these things is pretty solid evidence that they all exist.”
I don’t know. It’s possible that they DO exist, of course, and her feelings here are evidence of that. But I think it’s also entirely possible that she’s just being a little neurotic. As a fellow neurotically-minded individual, I can relate to over-thinking things and creating problems in my mind that turn out to be nothing once an honest conversation is had.
So LW, talk to him! If he isn’t giving you what you need, you have to be able to tell him that. And ask him for what you do need in order to feel secure in this relationship. I think that’s your first step anyway, before dropping the guy. It’s perfectly reasonable to tell a boyfriend that you feel a bit over extended and that you would really appreciate him doing a bit more of the planning. Honestly, in my experience, a lot of good guys can be a little clueless on the whole plan-making front. If he thinks you’re being unreasonable or doesn’t take any action to make you more secure, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you.
As ANOTHER “fellow neurotically-minded individual”, I’ll say that yes, it’s so, so easy to fall into that trap of perceiving that your guy’s lack of planning=he doesn’t like you or isn’t into your relationship. But guess what, some guys just don’t plan. Once you make a conscious decision to accept that you’ll often be planning outings for the two of you, the more likely you’ll be able to realize that his mere presence is what is signaling his feelings for you. Guys (for the most part) won’t hang out with you if they don’t like you. Women try to spare each other’s feelings, etc, whereas guys have no concept of sucking it up and going out with a girl just to be nice. My guy every so often reminds me….”if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here with you”.
Agreed, I nearly broke up with my current bf about 4 months into our relationship cuz he stopped texting/calling as often and I figured he wasn’t as committed to the relationship as me. I was pissed and getting ready to dump him when a guy friend told me that I should TELL him how I feel. So, I was like okay, I’ll give it a shot.
I told him I feel like I’m not a priority to him when I don’t hear from him at least once during the day and that I’d like him to text/call more often. His response? “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t know I was making you feel unimportant… I’ll do better!” And he did. From that day on, I’ve always received at least a Good Morning/How was your day?/Goodnight text if not all three and more. Here we are, a year and a half later, and I nearly dumped him over something so small that was solved by TALKING.
THIS. amen, MissDre. You never know unless you try talking it out. And if they rebuff your talking efforts? Well then you have knowledge and direction. But at least you KNOW!
Eh, I don’t know if the fact she is having these feelings (without solid evidence to back those feelings up), means they are correct.
True, people are often perceptive and can gain an intuitive sense if there partner is backing away, but it’s also true that people who are insecure in themselves (and the relationship), will lead them to question things that don’t mean anything.
I know when I first started dating, I was pretty insecure and would over-analyze every interaction with the guys I was dating. I scrutinized every word, gesture, and tone. As I grew more comfortable in my own skin and become more experienced in dating, I relaxed. I stopped looking for things that weren’t there, or that didn’t mean anything significant.
If the only concrete example the LW has is that the boyfriend didn’t invite her to do anything for NYE (which is all she’s provided us with), she’s probably over thinking this.
Well said. Yes, I think that insecure feelings like these are more of a yellow flag than solid evidence of anything. They signal that a discussion should be had, and priorities should be sorted and thought about, and compromises should be considered. But depending on the person, they aren’t necessarily evidence of anything real. Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, learning how to voice your needs in a reasonable (and heck, even loving way) is such a good growing experience. Speaking for myself, if I chucked a guy every time I second-guessed a relationship I’d definitely be alone forever. (Not that being alone is bad, it’s just not what I’d prefer.)
Exactly!
I was like this too! My ex messed with my head a bit (emotionally abusive) so when I started a new relationship I dragged a whole bunch of past baggage with me. Not a lot of fun for the bf. In the past I had to walk on eggshells and be super intuitive since he hardly ever meant what he said, so as not to piss him off. But with my “new” boyfriend whenever I try that crap or am feeling insecure about what he said (reading into things) he tells me that he means what he says, he doesn’t have any hidden agendas and if he didn’t want to be with me he’d tell me. Which I think is the case with most guys.
So I definitely think, with the info we have, that the LW is over-reacting. Chill out! Ask your boyfriend and I’m sure you’ll feel very relieved when he says he wants to spend NYE with you.
Ok you have two options. Ask if he wants to do something for NYE and then plan it, or tell him you would like him to plan something since you always do the planning. Testing a man, or anyone including friends, never turns out well.
A second amen to Wendy and to the other reader’s comments – I had this convo about 2 weeks ago with my boyfriend of 6 months – and just as suspected, he hadn’t given it any thought and assumed that we would be together. He actually suggested that we go to my friend’s small cocktail party rather than the big bar extravaganza with his frequently frat boy behaving friends. So have a little faith! I too have to fight back my passive aggressive motivations, and the reason why this relationship is working thus far is because I communicate with him!
Most likely situation…
LW’s Dude’s Friend: “What are you doing for new years?”
LW’s Dude: “New Years? OH…I don’t know….this girl I have been hanging out hasn’t brought it up yet…we’ll figure it out soon.”
so yea….if you want something…tell him? It doesn’t mean any less if he doesn’t just “get it” by your non-existent clues….it means less if you ask him to make a change and he does a completely unforgivable job of following through after agreeing to make said change.
LW- while I think there might be deeper issues here than just NYE…speak up all ready! If you want a NYE with your man, tell him.
When NYE rolled around for the first time in my BF and my relationship (about 4 months in) I made it perfectly clear that we would be at the same party and I would get a kiss at midnight. He could pick the party, the friends, socialize with whom ever all night- and I would be happy so long as I got that kiss. He made my kiss happen and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary Sunday.
Just tell him what you expect. Guys (in my exxperiance) don’t get why NYE is so important to woman, it’s just another party for them
I once had a boyfriend who knew my birthday was one week away and still he mentioned nothing about the night. So I asked him. What are we doing for my birthday. He shurgged and said “don’t know.” So I said, how about we go to the Melting Pot? And he said, sounds good. So I made reservations for us at the Melting Pot. I was so excited to go there with him. That night he comes over to pick me up and he hands me a card and says “sorry, forgot the present.” “Oh, okay” I said a little disappointed. However, I got a card so I open it and it pretty much said that the best thing about birthdays is staying in bed all day or something – there was a sexual inuedo there too. Nothing about love, feelings, or anything to show he cared and this was someone I have dated for almost 6 months at this point.
We make our way to the restaurant and it was honestly kind of boring. Conversation dragged and I wondered what was up. No looking lovingly into my eyes, telling me how much he cared. He paid, he brought me home, we kiss and he said “good night.” At this point we had never told each other we loved each other and I was kind of expecting it that night. I start crying right then and there and he asked what is wrong, I said “this is my birthday and I am your girlfriend and you don’t even have one compliment for me? You can’t tell me anything nice and sweet?” And he forced a “you know I think you are pretty and smart” I shook my head, softly whispered good night, opened the door and then shut it behind me. I then ran to my room crying my eyes out. I had the biggest cry ever and it was MY BIRTHDAY. I yelled in frustration and cried myself to sleep.
A week later he broke up with me.
So what do I think about a guy not making plans for NYE? Well nothing if the relationship is solid. My fiance and I haven’t even talked about the day yet. We haven’t even talked about Christmas Eve yet! But I know whatever I do, I will be with him because we go together. We are a couple and I trust that. If you don’t have that level of trust yet then I think you need to take it as a possible sign that he may not be that into you.
btw – when my birthday came around for my then boyfriend (no fiance) he planned it in advanced. He got my boss’s email address and arranged to come in the night before to my office and put flowers and a super sweet card on my desk. Love that man!
I meant to say “now fiance”
Mind games don’t work. Wash, rinse and repeat.
You seem a little insecure about your relationship and the level of devotion your boyfriend has for you. The only way to get clarity is to ask for it. It may be you are not looking forward to the answers but truth that sets you free is way better that lies that make you stay – even the lies you may tell to yourself. First ask about NYE. I promise you he can’t read your mind. Eventually you can ask the questions you need to ask to figure out where you stand and then you can take whatever action you need to take to make sure you are with someone who values you and would never ignore you.
Right after thanksgiving I asked my guy what we are doing for NYE. Bewildered, he replied, “it’s way to early to plan anything!” Yesterday, I asked my guy again what we were doing for NYE. Once again, bewildered, he replied, “it’s way to early to plan anything!” Most guys don’t plan the way girls do. I honestly don’t expect him to be ready to make any definite plans until NYE is actually within sight, so don’t be too upset that your boyfriend hasn’t brought it up yet, it probably just hasn’t occurred to him yet to start making plans.
Make your own plans for NYE, you don’t need to do something with this dude. People are so wired to believe that it’s some special occasion when its really just another day. Also, if you’re the one who does all of the planning in the relationship, I’d rethink the relationship.
I agree it is just another day but I don’t agree with rethinking the relationship if she does all the planning. I do all the planning for my family – honestly though my husband works 50-60 plus hours a week. If I waited for him to plan something it would be…never.
I think she should just talk to him…Communication works wonders!
With respect, he’s your husband so I’m not sure the comparison works. Did he get that way by never once initiating anything? Did you ask him to marry you?
If not having plans for NYE set up right is your biggest problem, then you are just looking to cause problems or drama. I say that because, as everyone else has pointed out, this can easily solved by a short conversation and mind games only get you to being single and miserable wondering how it all went wrong. If it isn’t the fact that you don’t have plans and it is really about your bigger worries about the state of your relationship, well that can only be solved with longer conversations. Either way, talk to the poor guy!
If you have been doing all the planning in the relationship so far, why would he magically know that NYE is the night he should step up and do something different? You’re being a little neurotic here, over-analyzing the things that he’s doing or not doing. Please don’t take that as an insult, because every single female I have ever known does the same thing, ESPECIALLY in a relatively new relationship. The thing about new relationships is that you care about each other, so you want to read into things to make sure things are going well. But you don’t have the rhythms and patterns of a more experienced relationship yet. That experience calms down concerns about simple things that don’t matter much. It opens up a window to be more comfortable talking about things instead of resorting to passive-aggressive behavior that is ineffective and just makes you look crazy. Over time, you will hopefully realize that simple gaps in your relationship do not necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that he doesn’t care, or that he is intentionally (or even knowingly) putting in less effort. I’m betting that what is actually happening is one of the following: 1) He thinks it’s okay for you to keep making the plans, because you’ve done it willingly so far and haven’t brought the topic up to him. 2) As other people have said, he hasn’t started thinking about NYE yet. 3) Making plans is not something he’s good at, and it’s part of his personality. 4) …. uhmm… My pain killers from my surgery just kicked in, and I forgot #4. If I remember it I’ll post it.
My point is, he is not sitting at home intentionally ignoring you or your relationship. His mistake, if he’s made one (and I doubt he has), is only an oversight. It’s not malicious. This is what I recommend that you do: Say “Hey NYE is coming up, and I was thinking it would be fun to spend it together. Do you have any other plans?” ….. If he has plans already, don’t get mad. Remember, you didn’t bring this up earlier either. If he doesn’t have plans yet, tell him that you were hoping you two could come up with the plans together as a couple. I disagree with the idea of asking him to make all the plans for the night, because it’s not really fair to wrap him into spending NYE with his not-very-serious-yet gf and THEN demand that he make the plans (and he’ll likely pay for it). If you bring it up, you can’t force him to do it all. At least bring a couple of ideas to the table. But it will be more fun for you two to sit down and discuss it together. It will also give you a chance to help him learn how to make plans in case that isn’t his strong suit.
This is what I came here to say: “If you have been doing all the planning in the relationship so far, why would he magically know that NYE is the night he should step up and do something different?”
I plan everything, because as Wendy said above, I start thinking about things months in advance. My boyfriend hadn’t even wrapped his head around Thanksgiving while I’m off looking at New Years options. He just generally assumes, a year and a half into our relationship and me always thinking 3 steps ahead, that I will plan things. If I want him to do it, I tell him specifically “plan this” and he does.
However you’re missing the bonus of being the one who plans things- you get to decide what you’re gonna do. Its awesome.
Yeah, I meant to include something like that in my comment too. A lot of relationships have these sorts of roles. As long as both people are on the same page, it’s no big deal. The problem in this letter is that the LW and her bf are not on the same page. Her bf thinks they’re on the same page, but she hasn’t let him know that they’re not. The LW either needs to accept the arrangement or communicate with him.
Agree. Also, ask yourself WHY you’re initiating everything. Do you think it’s lack of interest, or is it he’s not moving fast enough to plan stuff. I know this is going to sound a little like an attack, but I come from experience.
Sometimes, I, a planner, get really annoyed because other people aren’t planners. I want to firm up my plans NOW. I want to know NOW what I’m doing. Meanwhile, my friend, my boss, or friend is still trying to figure out if they can even do it. In my head, I’ve been waiting forever, and I start thinking they don’t care. In theirs? The planning has just started.
Are you in a similar situation, LW? Don’t know. If your underlying feeling is just that he doesn’t care, and that is why he doesn’t initiate, maybe you need to reevaluate if the relationship is worth having. However, if it’s even possible that you might initiate prematurely, and deprive him of the chance to do it, maybe that might be worth a little introspection too.
In either case, I’d use the NYE to feel out what it is. Ask him his plans. Ask him if he wants to do anything with you. If he says yes, ask HIM to plan it. Ask him to surprise you. The plan he comes up with MIGHT answer it. If the answer is no, well…that just might be answer enough.
I asked my bf last month if he wanted to go to a trendy nightclub with me and some of my friends over NYE since tickets would sell out before Thanksgiving…he looked at me like I was speaking a forgien language. I have a ticket for said sold out bar – I’m pretty sure the BF will wait until the 30th or 31st to figure out what to do and if I wanted to hang out with him that night I’d have to wait until then too.
I also asked the BF today if he had gotten me an xmas gift yet since he is going out of town on Thursday. He indeed has but he is a guy and guys tend not to put as much weight on things like xmas gifts and NYE plans (or heavens forbid Valentine’s Day!) so if I had to wait until next week to get my gift I would have just rolled my eyes (and maybe stuck some coal in his gift bag, just to tease him).
I’d guess from your letter that you are young, but I know plenty of women in their late 20s and early 30s who freak out about the same thing. Better to learn that communication is king and passive-aggressiveness will get you nowhere now rather than later!!
Well said Wendy. My initial reaction- did you ask him if he wanted to spend NYE together, or at least ask what his plans are?
If he is anything like my boyfriend, he rarely plans more than a week or so in advance, and generally defers most social planning to me, except for plans with the boys. Does it bug me? Sometimes, and sometimes I wish he would be more excited to make plans with me first but that is just not his style. I’ve stopped stressing over it, and now I know I have to be proactive about it.
Good luck!
He may not have the funds to do NYE with vigor. The tone of the letter implies that they are both young which rarely coincides with much disposable income. Xmas has yet to occur and she’s stressing about NYE like it’s some kind of do or die thing. All he has to do is make a reservation and get dressed. The attention to detail that women go through is beyond our male comprehension. Such is life.
Thanks for the advice. I’m not really sure about the relationship in the first place so we will see what happens.
Eh, he’s just not that into you. And, frankly, with all the passive aggressive bullshit going on it’s no great mystery as to why… No, but seriously. Why can’t YOU be the one to make plans?
I mentioned to him said I was coming back early from my trip and he said why are you coming back so soon we’re not say what I just don’t want to spend New year’s Eve out of town so he hasn’t even mentioned to me about plans for New year’s Eve so what should I do should I stop seeing him
I’d redo this question in the forum under advice.
With punctuation.
Make your own plans. Tell him if he’s available, he’s welcome to join, if not, you’ll see him next year.