“I’m a Bridesmaid and I’ve Been Relegated to a Hotel”
I expected to pay for a hotel the weekend of the wedding, but not for the planning weekends leading up to it. Every other time I have visited her in our seven-year friendship, I have always stayed with her. Should I say something to her or just do my best to understand and let it go? — Bridesmaid on a Budget
Call up your friend and explain that since you have only budgeted to pay for a hotel once for her wedding, you’ll have to help her pick out dresses and make other wedding plans long distance. Fortunately, a little something called the internet makes that a lot easier, as does a phone. If she has a problem emailing links to you of dress contenders and would rather get your input in person, she can either invite you to stay in her spare room despite her fiancé’s fear of “awkwardness,” offer to pay for your hotel, or come to you.
I don’t think we’re going to be able to change their minds so my real problem is how do I keep my folks from feeling snubbed or slighted? I’ve planned all kinds of activities for the weekend, but I’m pretty sure they’re going to notice that the point of their trip bailed on them. — Snubbed Bride
I would hope that spending time with their daughter and enjoying the many activities she’s planned would be a bigger draw for your parents than spending an entire weekend with her unsocial, future in-laws. And why is it necessary to force a friendship between the two sets of parents anyway? They’re not getting married to each other — their kids are! One meal together will give everyone the opportunity for face-time and small talk, and if your parents really feel like they need more than that, well, there’s always the rest of their lives to come visit.
What’s a good way to bring up this guy’s divorce in an email with him? I feel like I should broach the topic before I end up dating him for awhile only to get hurt if he gets back together with his ex-wife. — Not a Rebound
Slow down! You haven’t even met the guy and you’re already talking about a future relationship AND break up? If you like the guy, go out with him. Have dinner and see how you feel then. Ask how long he’s been divorced if you’re still really curious. But if you want to avoid taking any risk in dating, then you probably just shouldn’t date, period, because any time you go out with someone, divorced or not, you put your heart on the line, and no amount of questions in an email beforehand is going to protect you from that.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS, WWS, WWS. these all seem like such weird problems. weird, and really simple to solve…
LW1- “oh, im sorry, i can only afford hotel for the wedding weekend! but i understand that your fiance and you want some privacy now that you live together. i guess we will have to facetime the dress shopping!”
LW2- “so, bob’s parents are only going to join us for dinner on friday night. they are just not the social type, and so this will be easier for everyone rather then forcing a whole weekend of interaction. but, we still have x, y, z activities planned!”
LW3- just stop. your being “that girl” that plans the wedding as she looks at online dating profiles- dont be that girl.
oh and also- what is with the “oh he is divorced, wa wa waaaaa (sad trombone sound effect)” mindset? so what if he is divorced? and so what if it was recent? you have no idea who this guy is and the circumstances of his divorce, why write him off so quickly?
my coworker just did this same thing this morning- she walked in and said “so i found out he was separated, dang. too much drama for me”. and i didnt say anything, but i was like, why? why is that a lot of drama? did he tell you, last night, the second time you had met him ever, all the drama he is in right now or do you just assume?
i just dont think that is an accurate, fair or intelligent way to weed through people at all.
I agree and furthermore having a cordial relationship with your ex doesn’t mean reconciliation is imminent. It means that two grown ups are dealing with their lives in a mature way.
I don’t understand the whole mindset of they can never talk or be friendly with their exes after a split. Especially if they have kids-they need to be on good terms!
Actually, I think it’s smart to be cautious about dating a recently separated/divorced person. When I was single, I did date a couple of guys who were recently divorced and they both ended up reconciling with their wives. Separated but not divorced likelihood even more.
One of my friends went out with a man who had recently split with their wife, and ex showed up at his apartment and threatened her with a knife.
Are all recently split couples trouble? Maybe not, but I seriously think if its’ been less than six months it might be good just to stay friends for a while.
Also want to add: the man I married (just celebrated our 48th) was married before, but I was extremely cautious before I let myself get emotionally involved.
Regarding the third letter, it’s just not good online dating practice to have a lot of correspondence, social media involvement, and/or google stalking before meeting someone in person. If there’s interest, get OFF the internet and into a bar for a drink as soon as possible. Have a nice friendly conversation without getting into too much heavy personal detail, and get a sense of whether you are even interested in the guy before you worry about anything else. I would honestly wait a couple dates before you casually bring up someone’s marital status / divorce. Don’t go into it with preconceived ideas.
WWS for all of them (& I like Katie’s suggested things to say for all the situations)
LW1: If you tell her you’ve only budgeted for the wedding stay, she’ll either accept a virtual shopping session, OR offer to pay (like Wendy said). I mean, she could also flip out, I guess, but from what you wrote, she doesn’t sound like the type.
LW2: Yeah, one meal is enough for the two sets of parents to at least meet, & get to know each other a bit. I don’t see why they need to spend the majority of the time together—& I think your parents will be more understanding than you think.
LW3: WHOA. Take things one step at a time, okay? Or maybe…don’t? (I can’t tell if you’re being overly anxious about his “divorced” status, or if you’re really just not okay with dating a recently divorced guy?)
Agree with LW2- one meal is PLENTY of awkwardness. I have been married 7 years and my parents and in-laws have not seen each other since the wedding. It isn’t that they don’t like each other, but there are no reasons. They have their own families and lives. But honestly, the more they see each other, the more reasons they can find to dislike each other.
Yes. My parents haven’t spent any time with my 2 sets of in-laws since the wedding, either.
They probably will when/if I have a baby, but even then, it’s not like we’re all going to be spending a ton of time together.
Yea, If we had kids, I am sure our parents would see each other more. But most of the time, they don’t want to travel hours to visit each other. But to force a whole weekend is going to be just that, forced. It will be worse if the inlaws clearly don’t want to be there then if you just do dinner.
Once kids are in the picture though, in laws do end up spending quite a bit more time together (bday parties, dance recitals, tball games, etc.), especially if they both live within a few hours.
Right? I wish. Unfortunately, it’s not.
Wendy is messing with my world
I was confused too. I’ll just go tell my boss that I’m not coming in tomorrow because this week’s shortcuts have already happened. I’m sure she’ll understand, right?
I was confused, too. Although these aren’t so palm-to-the-forehead-y as “Shortcuts” usually are, haha. (& if a bunch of people hadn’t already wished me a “happy Thursday” today, I’d also think it must be Friday 😉 )
LW1: No. That’s not fair. First of all that’s weird that her fiancé doesn’t want you to stay. I really hope that trend doesn’t continue because that’s shitty. Don’t go unless they’re providing housing in some way.
LW2: Parents meeting for the first time is kind of stressful anyway. Believe me, it’s best to stick to one meal for now anyway. I doubt your parents expected to spend an intensive weekend bonding with your future in-laws, but if they did, plan some other activities to fill the time and don’t frame it the way you did to us. Tell them that you have X, Y, and Z planned during the day, and you’ll all be joining your in-laws for dinner. Don’t say “They don’t want to hang out with you because they’re sucky and nonsocial, so I guess we’ll have to come up with something else.”
LW3: WWS.
“Tell them that you have X, Y, and Z planned during the day, and you’ll all be joining your in-laws for dinner. Don’t say ‘They don’t want to hang out with you because they’re sucky and nonsocial, so I guess we’ll have to come up with something else.’ ”
Yes, yes, yes. I have a feeling this LW’s first instinct will be to frame it in the latter way. Don’t, LW #2, don’t!!
I really hope she doesn’t, but I think she will. LW, NEVER say anything bad about your in-laws to your parents. It will just breed resentment, and they will probably never forget the things you say. It’s your job to coordinate and make sure your parents see the best in each other, IMO. And luckily for you, it’s easier to see the best in someone when it’s just for an hour and a half rather than a whole weekend.
1 confused me too. Why would he not want her there if they have a spare room? Is she going to do all this wedding stuff and then never see her friend again because she’ll have to stay in a hotel?
I imagine life is crazy with the wedding planning stuff, and fiance doesn’t want to feel like he has to be “on” in his own home when so much else is happening. I can certainly imagine feeling that way, especially for a multi-day visit.
I do understand wanting a break…but one weekend with your fiancé’s friend/bridesmaid in town? I mean I think it’s kinda shitty to say no, specially when fiancé already promised. And, it sounds like they have pre-wedding activities to do (the ladies) so the guy wouldn’t have to be “on” 24 hours a day.
But I’m also the kind of person who lets my husbands smelly college friends crash on our living room floor for 3 or 4 nights to go to football games. So I just don’t see the big deal!
See, I got the sense that on the phone with LW1, friend just offhandedly assumed it wouldn’t be an issue (likely because it was never an issue when she was living alone), and when she did check with fiance, he had an issue with it. So it wasn’t a promise so much as a “I’m sure it’ll be fine, let me double-check with Fiance.” And fiance didn’t think of it the same way.
That makes sense. I get really exhausted having guests. But I think the friend should have translated it better, and I personally would have just sucked it up. Hopefully, it’s just because of the wedding and not a permanent thing. When I visit my friends and their husbands, the husband either plays video games and leaves us alone or he hangs out with us as a friend (or a mixture), so not too much of a hassle.
It is hard, for sure. When we were wedding planning, the last thing we needed was more sheets to wash, and keeping guests was hard, but it’s not optional. You HAVE to do it if you want to have your friends and family involved. If it’s so hard for him, he can go spend the weekend with a friend too. Plus there’s something really fun and special about how intense everything is during the wedding planning. It was challenging, but I loved every minute of having my friends crash in my messy pre-wedding apartment. It’s just part of it.
My boyfriend’s parents and my parents met for the first time when his parents visited the area where my parents live. Neither my boyfriend nor I were there, and his parents stayed overnight at my parents’ house! But, they got along great and it all worked out, but yeah, weird way for the parents to meet.
LW3 – you know what you need to so far. That is, because you are on Facebook, that he is really divorced and not secretly cheating. So go to the bar and bring it up on the 3rd day.
LW1- Absolutely tell your friend it’s not in your budget to get a hotel. You planed the trip based on the promise of staying with her, she changed the deal.
LW2- My suggestion would be to plan an activity for everyone to do. Go golfing, a street festival, wine tasting- anything really. Invite both sets of parents along. If one set doesn’t show, well they look like the dumb dumbs, not you. My SIL dealt with this with her husbands family. They where pretty absentee for all of the prewedding events, it hurt her feelings for a while until she realized it wasn’t a commentary on their relationship, rather their own nervousness and social fears. She has a great relationship with them, but the don’t join in big public events.
And LW3. You’re nuts. You’re worried about a guy reconciling with his newly divorced wife after a few e-mails and NEVER meeting him?? WHAT? Maybe meet him once or twice and see if there are any sparks before jumping to outlandish conclusions.
LW1: None of my friends have ever had a problem with me staying with them and their boyfriends/fiances/husbands, so I find it really annoying that he finds that “awkward.” I like Wendy’s advice. FWIW, though, choosing dresses online kind of sucks because clothes look different on than they do on a computer screen.
LW2: Unless you explicitly told your parents that they’d be spending the entire weekend with your fiance’s parents, they shouldn’t be that disappointed. Please don’t make a big deal about it to your parents or anybody, though. Honestly, I assume your parents would rather spend time with you (and your fiance) than a random couple they barely know and have to meet out of obligation. If they hit it off, I’m sure his parents will make more time for them.
LW3: Yeah, slow down. People seem to think that a divorce deserves more explanation than a relationship. Would you really expect a dude to give you the details of his last relationship before you even go on a date with him? My roommate just started dating a divorced guy, and they didn’t talk about his divorce until the second or third date. I mean, she knew he was divorced, but talking about exes isn’t exactly first-date material. And please meet up with him instead of being pen pals and Facebook stalkers with each other.
I know my husband would probably be a little annoyed if one of my good friends stayed with us for 3 days (but that’s only because my friends and I are kind of obnoxious when we’re together- lots of inside jokes and old stories, stuff like that). But he would never tell me that they couldn’t stay with us. He’d probably use their visit as an excuse to go do something fun without me, like go visit a friend for the weekend or go snowboarding or something else fun.
LW1- Am I only the one that doesn’t understand how having a guest stay in a spare room for a weekend is “awkward”?, especially when said guest is your fiance’s best friend, but I guess that’s besides the point. I couldn’t imagine making my friends budget in a hotel for weekends at a time to help plan my wedding. It’s perfectly reasonable to say you can’t afford it, and either she can volunteer to pay for the hotel or plan long distance.
LW2- I agree with Wendy, a dinner with everyone together is more than enough. Your parent might be more social and his aren’t. Believe me, when it comes to in-laws this is a very minor problem to have.
LW3- I think you’re definitely over thinking and worrying when you haven’t even met the guy yet. Maybe you’re just not comfortable dating someone who is divorced if you’re having all these thoughts already?
I agree about LW1, it would be really weird to me if my fiance told me one of my friends couldn’t stay over. He knows and gets along with my friends who he’s met, and I’m sure trusts me enough that the ones he hasn’t wouldn’t be some kind of crazies.
I totally agree about LW1. I don’t get what’s awkward about someone staying in the room you specifically have designated for overnight guests…
Right, isn’t that the purpose of a spare room? My husband and I pay $400 extra a month to have a 2-bedroom so people can visit us since we live so far away from our friends and family. I just don’t get the logic.
Do you really need to be “on” though when your significant other has a friend in town though? My husband’s friend came to visit the other week, and they hung out and did whatever, and since I had stuff to do did my own thing- went to class, studied, hell even put a face mask when I knew they’d be gone for awhile. The only thing I couldn’t do was walk around naked or spend an hour getting dressed since my clothes are in the spare bedroom.
I’m also a huge introvert and need my space a lot and still don’t feel pressure to be “on” for my husband’s guests unless it’s my in-laws because they exhaust me in general.
Regarding this first letter. I went through a very similar thing when a good friend got married. All of a sudden I was not invited to stay at my friend’s apartment when the fiance moved in.
It bugged me for a while. I think I just had to get used to the idea that my friendship was changing with her marriage. His wishes and priorities were now her priorities.
I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to visit or see my friend I would have to pay for a hotel. This would probably mean I would not see her as frequently as I used to. I also hoped that if they got a larger place or eventually moved into a house they might have more room for me and not feel so “awkward.”
So yeah, I think this is just an unfortunate case of your friendship is changing because she is getting married. Expect other changes too.
LW1: Wanna talk about awkward. Awkward is your boyfriend’s parents and sister staying with you in your livingroom, which is only separated from your bedroom by a curtain, and when there are adorable little windows (with lanterns in them! So cute! But awkward) that go from the livingroom to the bedroom. Seriously, our apartment has a verrrrry open floor plan, and for a couple its perfect, but with guests? Especially parents? Awkward. A spare bedroom is not awkward.
That said, don’t judge the guy too harshly, especially if they just moved in together. It can be a stressful transition, especially with all the wedding planning. Just express to your friend that you’re disappointed and that you really appreciate her trying to help you find a hotel, but unfortunately your budget is tight and you’re not sure you can add a hotel into your expenses. Then ask what you can do to help remotely.
LW2: “Hey Mom and Dad! So right now the plan is dinner with Bob’s parents on Friday night, and then Saturday we’re going to the unicorn zoo, then the moon, then to feed the dinosaurs! Sound good? Let me know if you’d like to try to squeeze in a visit with big foot while you’re here.”
LW3: Step away from the internet. Put down the iphone, log off facebook, and get your butt to an actual restaurant or bar or cafe or wherever and meet this guy in person. I’m glad you’ve hit it off on the internet, but before you worry about him leaving you for his ex wife, maybe see if you actually, you know, even want to date the guy?
LW3 – I could have written this EXACT letter in December. But I probably would’ve done so with less anxiety. (Maybe…) I met my current boyfriend online, we were the same ages/age difference as what you described, and when we became Facebook friends, I actually wasn’t intending to LOOK for his ex-wife (but put two and two together while looking through some of his photos). And then I stopped the stalking immediately because I didn’t want to fill in the blanks.
My advice to you: don’t fill in the blanks, stop making assumptions based off of Facebook. They’re Facebook friends. So what? You run the same risk of getting hurt no matter a guy’s romantic past, no matter where you meet him. Just like this divorced guy you’re chatting with may reconcile with his ex-wife, anyone you meet anywhere could, in theory, reconcile with a past love. Don’t judge him for his divorce until you’ve heard details that worth judging him for. Chances are he’s more aware of the stigma of being divorced than you are.
How do you bring up his divorce with him? Don’t. Let him be the one to bring it up. Just like it’d be pretty weird if he started asking too much too soon about YOUR past relationships, it’s weird if you start hounding him for the details of his divorce too soon. If you haven’t met in person yet, it’s too soon. Date him like you’d date anyone else: get to know him, see if you like him, decide if that’s what you’re looking for in a partner.
When his divorce comes up — and I’m sure it will after a few dates — decide how you feel about the details he gives. If he has nothing to hide, he’ll probably be open to any questions you have about it.
If you truly don’t think you can handle his “status” regardless of the details, move on now.
Ok this isn’t helpful to LW1, but it is sort of relevant. My husband and I live in a one bedroom apartment. We LOVE to host friends and family, but in tight quarters like ours, house guests can really start to cramp one’s style.
So, we have a 3-night rule. No house guests for more than three nights. Most guests aren’t staying in town more than three nights, anyway, but for the ones that are, it’s nice to have an it’s-not-personal rule to let them know that on night 4, they are going to have to find other accommodations. It’s not personal, it’s just house rules.
Anecdote time! This weekend my husband has two buddies coming up from out of town. I don’t know if he communicated our rule to them or not, but they are both staying with us three nights. EXCEPT! They didn’t coordinate with each other or my husband, and they are staying different nights, so we’ll actually have house guests for four nights. I guess they found the loophole! At first I was like RAWR but then I was like, eff it, and invited myself to stay at my sister’s place for a couple nights. It’s a sleepover silver lining!
Maybe the “spare room” isn’t a spare bedroom but just another room, say, an office (maybe his office?) or study or somewhere where wedding things are being organized. Or maybe he’s crazy. IDK not enough info on this one but I would def let the friend know that there is no way the LW can pay for three additional nights in a hotel.
LW1: I totally understand your disappointment. I personally think it’s shitty, but I am also sensitive to friendships changing after marriage. The thing is, the friendship WILL change and there isn’t much you can do about it. Even though it sucks, I think *I’d* just suck it up and deal with it because there are a million and one reasons they could have made this decision, and this is just how it might be from here on out anyway. (Unless you for real don’t have the money – then do WWS).
LW2: I don’t see what the big deal is.
LW3: I needed to hear Wendy’s response today because I am doing the same thing – overanalyzing before anything has even happened yet. I’m scared to even reply to a text message right now because I’m envisioning our future breakup and everything that (in my head) WILL go wrong between now and then. Yeah, let’s not do that, LW3. Time to take some risks!!
LW 1: The point of the trip is to help your friend with her weding planning, correct? If your best friend and her fiance can’t appreciate the reason why you’re coming in the first place and the financial sacrifices you’re already agreeing to in order to be part of this wedding I’d feel no guilt in saying what Wendy said. She has someone traveling 300 miles at their own expense to help her with her wedding and she and her fiance can’t let her best friend sleep on the couch? Get the fuck out of here! Something tells me that when the wedding is over this best friend and her new husband are going to further distance themselves from the LW and they won’t continue their friendship.
LW2: My MIL didn’t meet my family until the day of the wedding. She avoided it for a very long time, making things inconvenient by showing up an hour early to birthday parties and then complaining that because nothing was set up, she was going to leave (and then she would!) just to avoid my family.
She won’t talk to my parents. Insists that she doesn’t want to “get attached” because she’s sure we’re going to split up anyways.
A meet-n-greet dinner is fine. Warn your parents ahead of time that the future in-laws are not sociable and that they are kind of shy. They will have time at the wedding/reception to be awkward, just let it be.
LW2- I don’t think that this is really that odd. Idk why your parents or your fiance’s parents would want to spend a whole weekend together like that. Since travel is involved, I will guess they don’t see you often either and are most looking forward to hanging out with you, their daughter, and maybe a bit their soon to be son in law rather than his parents.
My guess is that everyone will breathe a sigh of relief knowing its only one dinner.
LW1). I’d be irked, too. This is yet another instance of how lame many people get upon marrying. Wendy has good advice… Much nicer than mine would have been.
LW2). Having witnessed inlaw introductions first hand, I gotta say. Less is more. It can be a strained relationship. Often odd rivalries arise among the mothers in particular. Honestly, be happy it is just one meal and enjoy the time with your folks.
LW3). Don’t date this guy. Don’t even meet him. He simply doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve you or your hopelessly pointless drama…
Um what is the point of having a guest room if your guests have to stay in a hotel?
LW1: you did mention that your friend has recently moved in with her fiancée. Is it possible they haven’t completely unpacked, organized, etc? Also, not all people enjoy having houseguests and are more introverted. It’s possible her fiancée is simply not comfortable with guests in general?
I wouldn’t take it personally. FaceTime with the bride and maybe host a sort of” Watch party ” for those who can’t make it? People can ooooh, ahhh and generally compliment the dresses they like and support the friends. Win/win.