“He’s on Anti-Depressants and Didn’t Tell Me”
I feel so stupid because I didn’t realize that he had emotional issues. He said that his doctor prescribed them for some chest pain issues that he’s been having, but I don’t think he realizes that I recognized the name, since it was a generic. I don’t know how to bring this up. Is not saying anything the best plan? I had to seek counseling last year, which he knows about that, so I don’t think shame is the issue here. My first thought is that maybe he’s unhappy with me, because he’s pretty solid at work and his band is becoming more popular on a local level. He has no real stressor in his life at the moment, which makes me think I might be the problem.
Should I just pretend I never found out this information? I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m really afraid that he’s keeping something big from me. Another part of me wonders if the reason that he’s withholding this information from me is because he knows that I am very wary of anti-depressants because I know so many people who have fundamentally changed and lost all sex drive while on them. — Rx Blues
No, no, no — do not pretend like you never found out what you discovered. Communication is always the best policy. Because what you don’t know here is much scarier than what you do know and as long as you remain in the dark, the not knowing is going to eat away at you and your relationship. There are lots of possibilities for why your boyfriend is on Paxil and why he hasn’t told you. I’m not a doctor and don’t know much about that particular drug, but perhaps it truly was prescribed for something other than depression and anxiety. But even if he is taking the drug to treat psychological issues, it doesn’t mean that you are the cause for his problems.
You mention that your boyfriend has no stressors in his life, but in the same paragraph you say that he’s “solid” at work and that his band is taking off at a local level. What a lot of people aren’t aware of or don’t truly understand is that success can be just as nerve-wracking and stressful as failure. It’s true. With success and everything it entails — more work, a tighter schedule, less time for yourself, more pressure, more responsibility, more people counting on you — comes stress. Perhaps your boyfriend is feeling some of that. Or, maybe his issues are unrelated to his work. But that still doesn’t mean they are related to you. But even if they are — even if you and your relationship have somehow caused him to crack and seek help from a professional — don’t you think that’s something you ought to know about and discuss with him? And if he isn’t coming to you to talk, you need to go to him.
Don’t pussyfoot around this. Come right out and tell your boyfriend you know he has been prescribed Paxil and it’s your understanding that that’s a drug that treats psychological issues. Refrain from being accusatory. I’m sure he knows where you stand on anti-depressants and that’s part of the reason why he hasn’t openly discussed this with you yet. So don’t confirm his fears that you are someone who will judge him for needing help. And don’t make this about you. It’s not. This is about your boyfriend’s health, so approach it from that angle. Be compassionate and understanding. And keep your judgment about anti-depressants to yourself until you have a better idea why your boyfriend is taking them and what his plan for treatment is. And remember: There’s no shame in taking medication if it’s necessary to be well.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
It’s true that sometimes antidepressants can be used to treat pain, although I don’t know anything about that particular one. My guess is that he really is just embarassed for you to know. Sometimes depression is more of a chemical imbalance than having any significant stressors in your life, and not necessarily something you missed. A lot of guys tend to see themselves as fixers, and see it as a sign of weakness to have to ask for help. Which might help explain why it was ok for you to see therapy, but not for him.
I think the important thing is the lack of communication. After 7 years together, you guys should be able to talk about these things. We all go through rough patches, and sometimes we need to ask for help. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just tell him you know, let him know you love him, support him, and are there for him. And then let it go. I think this is one of those cases that pressing the issue isn’t going to do anyone any good, especially if he’s feeling ashamed about it.
anti-depressants are sometimes used to treat “pain”, but only in the sense that non-specific pain is often a symptom of depression. So if a person frequently complains to their doctor of non-specific, not localized, but interfering with their day-to-day life “pain” and there’s no other cause for it, a doctor might look to depression as being a cause of the pain and treat accordingly.
Oh ok, I never really knew what the science behind it was. My only experience with it was when they put my mom on cymbalta to treat fibromyalgia. But this was a few years ago, I think before fibromyalgia really had a name…
That being said, it didn’t work. And the doctor took her off of it without weaning her off properly, and she had some really, really nasty withdrawl symtoms from it. So for her, the treatment ended up being worse than the cause. But I digress…
One thing that Wendy missed is that depression is often caused by a chemical imbalance, not by some sort of life event. So it’s very possible that his depression is caused by his chemistry, not by you.
That aside- Do what Wendy said. You’ve been together for 7 years. You should be able to talk to him about this.
I am one of those people. Chemical imbalance, so it’s important for me to stay on my medication even when life is wonderful. I’ve been feeling wonderful (for the most part) for the past two years, but my doctor still won’t let me come off my medication. He lowered my dose to a maintenance level, and it’s likely something I’ll need to be on for a long long time. No shame in that.
I have HUGE problems with people “who have issues with anti-depressants” in the same way I have problems with people who are “wary/ take issue with hormonal birth control”. I understand that for you, or for your friends, those drugs didn’t work. I understand that for some people, there were serious negative side effects. I think it’s smart to do your research, read up on the drugs you’re prescribed and ask your doctor knowledgable questions. I even think it’s smart to seek things like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or other types of therapy as an alternative to anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety meds. But if those drugs didn’t work for you or your friends? YOU are not a universal entity. For every person who didn’t like the side effects, there are people for whom anti-depressants have literally saved their life, people for whom lithium for bipolar disorder or anxiolytics for severe anxiety disorder have allowed them to function at a level where they can be almost “normal”. So don’t be so quick to hate on prescription drugs. Because for some people, they are life savers.
Actually there are a lot of skeptics when it comes to SSRI’s and for a pretty legitimate reason. They aren’t shown to be much more effective than placebo for treating depression. There’s actually a fair amount of controversy over them in the medical field. Particulary with Paxil in fact.
I’m just saying, with the whole “do your research” thing… that goes both ways. I wouldn’t compare skepticism about SSRI’s (I’m not talking psych meds in general, just this one type) to being skeptical hormonal birth control.
Try googling “Are SSRI’s effective?” or “SSRI controversy” and you’ll see what people are saying about them.
Maybe it’s something he has been taking since before you met. I wouldn’t assume you are the problem.
My mom had to take medication to level her moods. She would be a huge bitch for no reason (literally, she walks in the door and I say hello and that set her off), but taking the medication, it helped her level out. Sometimes the medication changes them for the better.
Like Wendy said, you should ask him about it. He might be embarrassed by it, but try keep your wariness at bay. If he was on it before you met, he’s the same guy, and if he started after you met, you didn’t indicate any changes in his personality, so your experiences with other people don’t apply to him. Make him feel comfortable and talk about it.
If he knows that you don’t approve of anti-depressants, then obviously he’s not going to want to tell you. (Sidenote: A lot of drugs have side effects, like basically for everything, so I imagine it’s more than that — unless you shun every prescription there is, too.) Anyway, you should talk to him about it. There are a lot of reasons people could feel anxiety or be depressed (isn’t Paxil also for anxiety? which could also cause chest pain/panic attacks?), sometimes for what looks like no reason. So, don’t assume it’s you. I’d take a look how you express your opinions in the future, though, because if someone you’ve been with for that long is afraid to tell you about his Paxil, then that might be a problem.
I’m with you, LW, when it comes to antidepressants. I’m never thrilled when I hear that people I know have been prescribed an SSRI, especially if it was prescribed by their physician (who really has no grounds) or by a psychiatrist who isn’t ALSO working with the client in therapy.
It makes me crazy with rage when physicians just hand them out; a friend of mine once texted me: “I just got back from the doctor… I joined the Prozac Nation!!” Why are you EXCITED about being on an antidepressant? It’s totally messed up. These drugs are SO serious, and it really bothers me when people don’t treat them as such.
Anyway, about your issue. I wanted to throw in some info about Paxil (or generic Paxil, in your case). It’s actually chemically different from Prozac and Zoloft and other “depression” drugs (meaning you take it differently and there are different rules). It’s used to treat depression AND anxiety disorders, so don’t jump to the conclusion that he’s depressed. A lot of people have anxiety disorders and don’t even know they have them.
Of course talk to him about it. He shouldn’t be keeping this secret from someone he’s lived with for 6 years, and as long as you’re going to be open and understanding within reason, he should let you know what’s going on.
I’m so glad Wendy spelled it out – COMMUNICATION!!!!
You cannot; simply CAN.NOT. have a healthy, serious relationship with someone if you can’t talk to them about the difficult things (like depression). I don’t want to beat this LW up, but I’m really almost mind-blown at the sheer number of people who are afraid or hesitant about open, honest, serious communication!
And quite honestly you, LW, aren’t the only one in your relationship who seems to be hesitant about open and honest communication. Maybe this is a personal preference, but if I’ve been with someone 7 years (that’s a common law marriage, where I’m from!), my boyfriend should be telling me things like “I’m on this new medication that treats psychological issues.” I almost don’t blame you for wondering if it’s about you; I might wonder the same thing if I found out that my boyfriend wasn’t telling me something of that magnitude.
But no matter what, both of you need to come to terms with communication. Open, transparent, honest communication; not passive-aggressive or indirect reaching comments – an actual conversations where everything is laid out on the table. And it’s not just you, LW, it’s SO MANY LW’s on this site…and so many humans, in general. I’m sorry for taking out my frustration with this epidemic on you…but it struck a chord with me.
I can see where your boyfriend is coming from, if it’s been a chronic condition for him. You should definitely speak to him about it, though.
On the surface, I seem to be a very happy, successful person. I have close friends, a great job, and just finished up my degree at a good school with decent grades. I’ve had chronic, fairly severe anxiety issues for about 5 years. I take a very low dose of a mood stabilizer, and between that and therapy it manages my condition very well. I always feel very awkward with a new guy when it comes to my medication–partly because the prescription I take can also be used to treat schizophrenia in much higher amounts, so I don’t want them to think that’s what I’m dealing with, and also because since it’s well managed I don’t want to cause worry/alarm that I’m a crazy lady. My current partner has been wonderful about this, but there have been a couple of guys in the past who have treated me completely differently when they found out I was being treated for anxiety.
You definitely need to talk to him about it, and try not to bring your own prejudices against anti-depressants into it. While some people may change a lot and lose their sex drive, you don’t mention these issues with your boyfriend. While some people handle certain medications badly, for many psychiatric medications give them the gift of being able to manage their illness while leading and maintaining a happy life.
“You mention that your boyfriend has no stressors in his life, but in the same paragraph you say that he’s “solid” at work and that his band is taking off at a local level. What a lot of people aren’t aware of or don’t truly understand is that success can be just as nerve-wracking and stressful as failure.”
YES. It always surprises me when people think, oh this person has everything together so there’s no reason for them to be stressed. I think that for a lot of people who are prone to depression/anxiety (I truly believe that it is chemical and hereditary) everything going right is just as stressful as everything going wrong. How else would you explain the number of people with “successful” careers who have depression issues? I can’t tell you how many people I know from college and law school who have been on this type of medication at one time or another.
Like someone else said above, if LW didn’t notice any side effects or change in her boyfriend’s personality, then I don’t think the drug itself is a problem. There’s nothing wrong with getting help, and I bet that his doctor did prescribe the drug because he complained of chest pain/pressure. I’ve had that exact conversation with my doctor.
LW just needs to talk this out with her boyfriend.
LW has seen her bf’s behavior and experienced his level of sexual desire. If she had no hint of any problem before accidentally finding out about the prescription, then she seems to be worrying overly much about the potential side effects.
I didn’t realize so many DW commenters were doctors.
Anyway, I’m grumpy this morning. I think LW has bigger issues than this if they’ve been together 7 years and she can’t say what she saw, not that I necessarily think its any of her business. I don’t find myself required to tell my SO about everything I do/get at a doctor’s office.
To the LW- yes, talk to him about it. I would stick with fact-based questions, like maybe “Oh, when did you start taking this?” Also, like Wendy said, don’t make it about you. I understand why that would be a concern, but it’s going to sound self-centered and obtuse if it’s one of the first things you ask (I say this because my boyfriend has a tendency to always ask “Is it me??” whenever I’m upset or annoyed, and it’s pretty exasperating)
As a more general comment, I just want to say that I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be wary about taking SSRIs or concerned if someone you know is prescribed them. Obviously, they help many people, but the medical controversy surrounding them is a real, actual thing. HOWEVER, the LW still needs to keep her personal opinion out of the discussion when talking to her boyfriend.
I wanted to echo what some of the other commentors said about Paxil specifically not being prescribed for depression but rather for an anxiety related issue. It can be prescribed for OCD, PTSD, generalized or social anxiety disorder, etc etc. Don’t jump to the conclusion it is for depression.
I took Paxil for about a year when I was dealing with intense panic attacks due to social anxiety disorder. I’ve been off the medication for over 4 and a half years and while on the meds and since I’ve learned who to cope with the anxiety in other ways. It has been difficult to talk to my BF about my anxiety issues, but you have to communicate in a relationship!!
Talk to your BF in a nonconfrontational way. Clearly he already knows you saw the prescription on the CVS account…so just talk to him.
One other note- there are some pretty scary side effects when going off of Paxil. Make sure if he does decide to stop (now or in 10 years) that you consult a doctor before and monitor his symptoms.
Anti-depressants aren’t always prescribed for just depression. Tricyclics are used for neuropathic pain in cancer patients, trasodone is sometimes used as a sleep-aid, wellbutrin is sometimes prescribed to help kick-start weight loss. How is it being prescribed: is it a tabled, capsule, liquid, extended release, modified, etc. While in my experience Paxil isn’t usually prescribed for chest pain, it’s not completely out there that his doctor would have prescribed it for something other than depression. Paxil is used to treat more than depression. It’s sometimes prescribed for diabetic neuropathy, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (although that seems to be a very unlikely reason for him). Point is, you can’t assume that it’s depression when that drug treats more than that. He’s in a band that’s getting more popular, probably playing more shows; maybe that makes him anxious. Maybe the pressure to perform well is causing panic attacks. Is he diabetic? Maybe he is just depressed and knows how you feel and doesn’t want to tell you. I don’t know about you, but I can feel when someone is judging me. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for almost a year now, I had a lot going on in my life and wasn’t dealing very well. It gave me more energy so I wasn’t sleeping so much so allowed me to get out more which allowed me make friends and have fun and get back to “me”. Sometimes anti-depressants save lives and sometimes they just provide the kick you need to get going on your own. I know who supports me and I know who judges me because they’re “wary” of anti-depressants. Remember this: just because it’s not right for you doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If you want your boyfriend to talk to you, you need to approach him as a loving, supportive partner who believes he should do whatever it takes to deal with whatever is going on in his life and who would never, ever judge him based on her own (founded on second-hand stories I have to say) opinion. Most likely, he wants to talk to you, he’s just afraid you will judge him, which definitely won’t help whatever issues he’s dealing with.
“chest pains” can be a symptom of panic attacks. You say you’re wary of anti-depressants, and if he is stressed out/depressed, he doesn’t want a lecture or an argument – he wants help, which is probably why he started taking them and kept it from you. My 2nd husband is anti-medication and blames his younger brother’s issues for it. After a long talk with my former MIL, it turns out that the brother wasn’t getting the help he needed, and wasn’t really even on medication in the first place, but my 2nd husband wasn’t really around and was too young to understand that, but automatically blames medication and is wrongly blaming medication.
When I needed medication, I took it. When our kids needed medication or faced being expelled from school (and I can’t just stop working to home school them when I was a single mom), I ignored him and put my kids on medication. My ex may not like it, but since he is across country and sees them once every 12-18 months, I know what is better for them than he does at the moment.
Talk to your boyfriend, but be open-minded. You may be wary, but you have probably always had a partial view of things, or skewed view because you’ve never been the one taking the medications, or never have known the full circumstances of everything.
Is it possible that you are over thinking this? Is it possible that he’s not lying to you – that he was in fact prescribed the drug for the reason he told you?
Granted, I’m not a doctor, nor am I familar with Paxil and all its uses, but I take a particular prescription that can also be used as an anti-psychosactic or as an anti-depressant. I am not pyschotic, or depressed, but if my boyfriend didn’t know why I took it (he does), and he googled it, he would see a whole litany of possible reasons for taking the drug, some mundane, some distrubing.
If you want to bring it up with your boyfriend, I fully encourage that, but from my own view point, it is possible you could be over-reacting to this.
I think, like most everyone here, communication is key. I also don’t understand not telling your SO (especially if you’ve been together for a long time and/or are married) about significant happenings/feelings in your life. Your SO is supposed to be your partner, someone you can trust and support you in your time of need – who you can confide in, etc. If you are going to be on a medication, especially for an unknown amount of time, I think it is important your SO knows about it. Why would you hide it? Why would you want to?
I didn’t *laugh* about this issue, but it kind of struck a note with me. I take acycolvir to manage chronic shingles. If my boyfriend found out I took it without hearing how and why from me, and he subsequently did a quick Google search he’d think I have herpes. Wendy is right, what you don’t know is much worse than what you do. LW, this is someone you love, be kind and nonjudgmental and ask what’s up.
First, here’s my advice:
At this point, I do think it would be appropriate to have a conversation. He knows you know and you know he knows you know. If I were you, I would ask how his chest pain is since he started taking the new medicine. Mention you were surprised to see Paxil for chest pain since you know it’s commonly used for treating depression and anxiety. Give him a chance to open up; if he’s not ready to talk, remind him he can tell you anything and you won’t judge him; let him know you are available when he is ready to talk and that you just want to see him get better.
Now, here’s my two cents:
LW, I am a very private, guarded person who tends to internalize. In the past I have gotten really depressed to the point of having been hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Even then, I was unwilling to discuss the problems I was having. I would rather suffer in silence, then open up & expose myself like that to another person even though I know better and I don’t think there should be any shame associated with mental health. I know how dumb that sounds, but that’s just the way I am. Maybe your BF is like that, too? If I were to seek medical/psychological help, I most likely would not discuss it with my SO, but it would be because of him that I am actively seeking ways to get better. Again, maybe your BF is the same way?
Since we don’t know why Paxil was prescribed or for how long he has been taking it, it’s hard for us to say whether or not he should have already discussed this with you. The fact that he had it filled on your CVS account was dumb on his part if he was trying to hide this from you so maybe he was planning on talking about it when he felt ready. Knowing your opinions on antidepressants might have convinced him to wait & see how it would work for him before discussing it with you. Keep in mind that anxiety attacks can cause symptoms similar to a heart attack so maybe he is telling you a very simplified version of why he’s taking this medication.
In addition to being used to treat depressive and anxiety disorders, Paxil is also used to treat chronic headaches, tingling in the hands and feet caused by diabetes, and certain male sexual problems. LW makes no mention of their sex life, but if the bf is facing “certain male sexual problems,” perhaps he is trying to fix things while sparing himself the embarrassment of having that conversation with his gf.
Nothing has to be particularly stressful or sad for someone to feel depressed or anxious. My husband has depression and people would always ask me, “why is he depressed?” There is not an external reason “why” he is depressed–he has a chemical imbalance. We chose not to go down the medication route and instead chose to go with therapy, vitamins, and exercise. It was the subject of many discussions before we came to this conclusion, though.
Doctors, in my personal opinion, hand out depression medication like it’s candy, which is why I think you need to bring this up with him. I was misdiagnosed as “depressed” for over 8 years when really, I was just anxious–two different beasts altogether which (unfortunately) are so often lumped into the same category. But what you shouldn’t do is make it into a big deal, or make it into a “me” fest–don’t even bring up if you are the problem. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think you were the problem….
You need to discuss this, but you need to be sensitive as well. Depression that needs to be treated with medication can be pretty serious and you guys need to have an open communication line.
I’m sure other people have made this point, I haven’t read through all the comments, but I would say the chances of you being the problem are very slim.
The kind of unhappiness that comes from being with the wrong romantic partner is not the kind that anti-depressants would help. Having been both clinically depressed and in a bad relationship/bored with my partner I would say they are two very different feelings/situations. (If there was a pill that could make people happier with a bad/boring LTR or marriage I think it would be the most popular drug out there!)
Also with the chest pains comment and the situation about his band getting more popular I would place my bet on anxiety/panic attacks.
But its been 7 years, you really should be able to talk about anything at this point. You saw the prescription, there’s no unseeing it, just bring it up. Approach it with an open nonjudgmental mind, and don’t pry.
Boy was a can of worms opened on the SSRI issue! I think that the attitude expressed by many folks about how “there’s no such thing as depression” or “therapy doesn’t work on men” (heard that from my ex-husband, or that too many people take SSRI, shows why mental health issues have been stigmatized for so long. Yes I agree that this country pops too many pills, but if after/during therapy it is suggested that SSRI’s can help – why would strangers even begin to think that they have an opinion to offer. They don’t know the situation, they don’t know the medical history. It kind of reminds me of being pregnant – every woman (young and old) felt free to tell me that I should do natural childbirth or no I should take all the drugs – it’s my choice! Same way with mental health issues. Yes there are problems – I personally know someone who started on meds ended up very nearly killing himself, but a good Doctor knows this is a possibility and should warn their patients. I also have special people in my life that are alive now because they had SSRIs. It is an individual’s choice and as my wise mom says – “walk a mile in my shoes”!
It’s kind of like being a vegetarian or vegan – it’s a personal choice and I would respect it and would accomodate you the best I could at a dinner party, but don’t be getting in my face telling me I shouldn’t eat meat.
As the LW wrote in asking for help/opinions – I would say – for gods sake don’t make this about you. The fact that he went quiet when you told him that his two prescriptions are ready and that he know’s you are wary means he felt he had to keep it secret. After 7 years I would think that you would trust him to tell you what’s going on and that he would trust you that you wouldn’t be judgmental. If that’s the case I think some relationship re-evaluation is in order