“How Can I Ask If I’m No Longer a Bridesmaid?”
I was asked by the bride to-be, an old friend that I am most fond of but admittedly not close to, or see a lot of, to be bridesmaid. I was very touched and excited. She mentioned it again a few times at different meet-ups in the following months, and she even introduced me to her partner’s family as a bridesmaid.
Five months later now, and a month before the wedding, I have not heard a thing. I contacted her, admittedly just once, to offer help, as I would bridesmaid or not, but I haven’t heard anything and I have not managed to see her. I am assuming at this point that things have changed. The bachelorette party has been organized, and I have not been contacted about the wedding, except for an invite (just for me and not my partner).
I was surprised to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the first place, and I entirely understand that there are more appropriate people/closer friends to fulfill the role; however, it seems odd, if the invite to be bridesmaid has been rescinded, as it seems it has, for it not to be acknowledged in any way. I am wondering if I have done something wrong — if I should have tried to involve myself more. I am pretty shy, but improving, and this situation feels the sort of thing I would like to approach with more confidence and assertiveness than usual.
I wonder whether I should acknowledge this with her or friends? Ideally, I would like to remove the elephant in the room before the hen do and wedding, but have I imagined the elephant as she doesn’t seem to be seeing it?! Pretending it never happened feels spineless, as it has bothered me and I feel it is strange.Any advice on how to approach this and if I should bring it up (and, if so, how to do so in the most positive way), would be greatly appreciated. — Bridesmaid No More
This is your chance to be assertive in a situation that really calls for it, so pick up your phone and saythe bride-to-be, “You had asked me to be a bridesmaid six months ago but I haven’t heard much on the wedding events and details. I’m assuming I’m invited to your wedding as a guest and not a bridesmaid, which I totally understand, but wanted to make sure.”
I know as women, we are taught to avoid being direct if being so could be perceived as impolite, but fuck that. We need to ask for what we need, and you need clarity (and you deserve it!). If the bride gets offended, you have no control over that and that’s on her. It’s offensive to you that she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then apparently rescinded that invitation, leaving the onus on your to figure out what’s going on. Get the direct answer you need and move on.
Beyond that, I’d advise that in the future when you genuinely want to maintain friendships, you, you know, put in the effort of maintaining them (make time for your friends, call and check up on them, invite them to do things, ask them how wedding planning is going, particularly if you’re a bridesmaid in their weddings!), and that, if you don’t have genuine interest in maintaining a friendship beyond being acquaintances or social media contacts, don’t say yes to an invite to be in a wedding party, even if you’re flattered to be asked.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I was a bit in the same situation. I was asked by one of my best friends to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, pretty much a month after she got engaged and way before any wedding planning had started. And then we didn’t really talk about it for months and months… My relationship with this friend is that we normally don’t talk for many months in a row (we live in different countries) but when we do hang out, it’s like we hadn’t been apart one second.
So after many months of not talking about the whole bridesmaid thing, I directly asked her “am I still one of your bridesmaid ? When is the wedding ? Where is it ? What do we do for the dresses ? What are my responsibilities ?” And she just answered all of those questions, and it was all nice and easy.
Being very direct and honest made things very simple in the end.
This is what I was thinking, too! You don’t want to show up to the wedding as a guest only to find out that all this time she thought you were going to be a bridesmaid and is just a sucky communicator.
It’s worth checking up on, just to be sure. I can’t imagine it would be good for the relationship if you “flake” on her wedding, even if it isn’t actually your fault. Wedding day stress does not bring out the extremely reasonable in people.
Point blank, ask the bride-to-be, “You had asked me to be a bridesmaid six months ago but I haven’t heard much on the wedding events and details, are you still wanting me to be one?”
I know society teaches women to be polite, not make waves, not hurt other people’s feelings, try to decipher what the other person REALLY means, etc. We need to quit that–ask for what you need. If the other person gets offended by you asking for what you need, you have no control over that, but you will get your answer and life can go on.
i would leave it up to the bride to be to acknowledge…..if she doesn’t say anything then just attend the wedding like a regular guest (assuming you want to attend)….maybe she realized after that there were people she is closer to that would be more appropriate choices….if anything it is a bullet dodged since you don’t have the added expense of buying a dress….that is how i would handle it anyway
Could go two ways. It’s pretty clear that you are not a bridesmaid. You clearly don’t have a dress and haven’t been given any instructions. This obviously would have happened by now. So, asking her about it is just to make a point — not to clarify. Unless you have no phone, email, mail box, or social media, then she could have gotten a hold of you.
That’s not to say that I think you NEED to not say anything. Maybe I am a spiteful person, but it annoys me when people are rude and don’t get called out on it. Generally, she probably felt awkward and wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the conversation, which is fine. But we’re all adults and if you make a mistake (i.e., asking someone to be a bridesmaid before actually thinking it through), you have to deal with awkwardness in order to make it right. People who try to skirt that annoy me because I force myself to go through awkwardness to do the right thing. So, I’d probably say polite, but making it clear that you’re confused about what happened.
I think either is fine. It’s up to you.
As everyone else has said, there’s no way a month before the wedding you are still a bridesmaid. You would have been filled in on details long ago.
Maybe it’s because I’ve known a couple of maids of honor who completely took over and made the bachelorette/dress shopping/other parts of bridesmaiding about them… But is it possible that the maid of honor just didn’t include you, for any number of reasons? In that case, definitely talk to the bride, she might just think you’ve been busy.