“How Do I Find a Quality Person to Date in My Podunk Town?”
I moved here for my ex and now I can’t leave because, even though he was a crappy husband, he’s a pretty decent dad and I’d never want to take my kids away from him. I come from a working class background and it makes me feel so snobby to say that I don’t want to date an assistant-backup evening stock boy from the local hardware store but that, and 60-year-old men, are the only interested parties these days. I’m also aware that I’m only a moderately attractive single mom who is rapidly approaching middle age. The few guys around here who are a “catch” can do a lot better than me. I tried online dating but there are only a few local guys and the guys from further away aren’t interested in coming here.
Do I resign myself to living a mediocre existence in this small town forever or just stay lonely for another decade until my kids grow up? — Ready To Mingle
Oh my, the defeatism here is something! First of all, we’re a quarter into the 21st century, and it’s probably time to retire the idea that a college degree is a measure of someone’s quality. A college degree doesn’t tell you that much about a person. It doesn’t tell you about his upbringing or his interests, how he spends his time or how well he cares for the people he loves. It doesn’t tell you much at all without the context of everything else that makes up a person.
And what’s this about the guys you consider “catches” doing a lot better than you? How do you know you aren’t what one of them would be interested in? Have you talked to any of them? Have you asked any of them out? In what you call a “podunk” town where poverty is rampant and only 10% of the population has a college degree, maybe a woman under 40 who has a masters degree, owns her own home, and has a good job would be particularly attractive to someone. It’s defeatist to assume otherwise when what you are offering is exactly what you’d be attracted to in a man.
And have you considered that the absence of such a man in your life doesn’t have to mean living a mediocre existence for the next decade? You can build a rich and exciting life without a romantic partner. In fact, I suggest you do just that. With three school-age kids, I’m sure your free time is limited. What if you filled it not with the pursuit of a man to date but with the pursuit of activities that interest and inspire you? I think you might find that pursuing joy in all its different forms will open your world a little more and maybe organically bring people into your life who might lead to a romantic match.
Even if you don’t organically meet someone, and you decide to keep looking online, cast a net wider than the small town you live in. I’m not sure I buy that every guy in other towns wouldn’t be interested in going to your town to meet you – have you really asked all of them? – but even if that were true, why rule out meeting in the middle or you going to their town? Again, kind of defeatist to give up without even really trying.
Stop limiting your choices. You have more possibilities than being lonely or living a mediocre existence. But you can’t give up before you even consider what they may be.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Totally agree with Wendy. I was single after the same number of years and had four children. I met, dated and married a truck driver. At first i had some of the same thoughts as you LW, but it’s been 18 years since that date.