“How Do I Tell My Parents I’m Pregnant?”
I’m expecting to graduate college next May, whereas my boyfriend, who is 23, spent four years in the military before college and is hoping to graduate in three years. His college is two hours away from me. We’ve already discussed some planning for the pregnancy; I’ll be moving to live with him and we decided not to get married right now. Most everything else, though, we haven’t talked too much about just yet.
Although we’re scared for many reasons, our biggest concern is how my conservative parents will take it. The plan was always that I would work, go to school, pay bills, and live with my mom and step-dad till I graduated college – this was their idea so that I’m financially stable when I move out. They’ve stressed time and time again that my boyfriend and I better practice safe sex, and that, if I ever got pregnant, I couldn’t rely on them to help us out. Even though they love my boyfriend and, of course, love me, I can expect them to be extremely angry with us – and my boyfriend even fears that they’ll kick me out over the news. I am expecting eyeballs, snide remarks, and maybe even tears.
Do you have any tips for me on how to tell them? And what are some tips that my boyfriend and I can benefit from as we prepare to become parents? — Pregnant Daughter
Readers won’t know this about you, but I recognized your name when I received your letter because you have written to me about a dozen times in the past few years asking for advice. I’ve published at least one of your letters already and have answered you privately at least one other time. And now I’m just shaking my head at the news that you’re pregnant. I’m sorry, but I don’t see this as a “wonderful blessing” at this point in your life.
You’re 22, unmarried, living with your parents, still in school, and in a relationship with someone who is equally unprepared to be a parent (and no, he is not a “father” already if he is not involved, financially and emotionally, in his child’s life; he’s simply a sperm donor). Based on previous letters I’ve received from you, I can surmise that this is a fairly new relationship, too, and it should give you serious pause knowing that the mother of your boyfriend’s biological child doesn’t want him in her son’s life. That’s a pretty big red flag there and one that you, as someone who is now pregnant by this man, should be very concerned about.
I know you wrote in asking for tips on how to break the news to your parents and how you and your boyfriend can prepare for parenthood yourself, but I’m going to give you a different kind of tip: think really, really hard about whether raising this baby is the best choice. There are other options (and this doesn’t have to be your only chance to become a mother). I’m concerned about two college kids whose prenatal planning so far is to not get married and whose biggest concern is how to survive some snide remarks from mom and dad about raising a child together.
How do you both plan to support this baby? How will you pay your medical bills? How will you finish school when you’ll have a baby to take care of? Who’s going to watch the baby while you’re in class or doing your homework? How will you pay for childcare? Honestly, telling your conservative parents that you’re pregnant should be one of the least of your concerns right now, not the biggest one. The biggest one should be how you’re going to provide a decent life for this child.
I hope this goes without saying, but please see a medical professional right away if you haven’t already. Get your pregnancy confirmed and find out the next steps in proper prenatal care. If you decide to give birth to this baby, whether you raise it yourself or not, there are many things you should and should not be doing to grow a healthy baby. A medical professional can also point you in the right direction for exploring options other than raising the baby yourself. (Even if you’re adamant about keeping the baby, it doesn’t hurt to educate yourself on different options available to you, as well as any assistance you may qualify for).
Whatever choice you make – and thankfully we live in a country where women HAVE choices when it comes to their bodies and healthcare … at least for now — you will need plenty of support. Surround yourself with people who are willing and able to give you the support you need, whether that’s your parents, doctors, a few trusted friends, or counselors at school. Good luck.
I posted this is the forum about a month back when somebody was asking how to support their friend who found out they were pregnant. I’m pasting this word for word so I know the situation is a little different, but I’m hoping my own experience and thought process might help out the LW. I agree with Wendy that looking into other options besides raising a baby is a good idea:
“I’m going to weigh in on this because I just recently had an abortion as of 4 days ago. I’m a frequent DW reader and sometimes commenter, but it’s an extremely personal decision that my partner and I made together so I’ve chosen to be anonymous.
Nobody can make this decision for your friend, but maybe some of the things that went through my mind could help. My partner and I are very much together and committed, so it’s a little different than your friend who may not have the same support. I knew in my heart that if we had decided to continue the pregnancy, we would’ve made it work somehow. There are incredibly strong, brave women out there who continue with unintended pregnancies and not only are they happy, they go on to be very successful. Look at LBH! She was way way way younger than I currently am when she had her daughter and she didn’t have the support of the father. But she made it work, I can tell how very much she loves her daughter and even though she struggled, she’s been very successful.
For my partner and I, we decided that we’re just not financially stable enough to raise a child at this time. Could we do it? Yes, I’m sure we could. But we felt that we were just not ready to face the difficulties of raising a baby without financial stability. We want very much to have children together. In fact, we want a big family. We had talked many times about what we’d do if we ever faced an unintended pregnancy, and both of us honestly thought that we’d want to have the baby. But both of us were raised by single moms who struggled financially and while we respect our mothers so much, we decided that a financial struggle is not what we wanted for ourselves and for our potential child.
It was an extremely difficult decision to make. I cried a lot, both when the test came up positive and when we made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I’ve always been pro-choice, but it was hard to think that I was carrying what would be a baby that’s half of me and half of the man that I love so much. I feel very relieved now that I’ve gone through with the abortion. Conflicted, yes. It still feels strange, that our baby was inside of me Thursday morning and then Thursday evening it wasn’t. I’m hurting still. But I know in my heart that we made the right decision for us and that I made the right decision for me.
So that was my thought process. And my only advice is that your friend needs to follow her heart. Go with her true gut feeling. If she truly wants to have her baby, yes she will face obstacles but she will make it and she will always find support. If she is truly not ready, she’s not a bad person for choosing to terminate her pregnancy. She must do what is right for her, what feels right in her heart, no matter what anyone else may tell her she should do. This is a very private and personal decision.”
LW, I also want to give you some more clarification on my own situation. I’m in my late 20’s, I have a master’s degree, I’ve been working in my field for 4 years and I have full medical/dental benefits through my work, and I live in Canada where I’d get a year long maternity leave. I’ve also been in a committed relationship with a loving partner for 3 years.
And I STILL chose to have an abortion for financial reasons. Even with my degree and my experience and my benefits, I can’t even afford the rent on a 1-bedroom apartment for myself. I had to move home with my mother this year to get my feet back on the ground and take control of my student loan, etc.
Babies are so expensive! A baby costs at least $10,000 a year if not more. How could I have afforded an extra $10,000 when I already can’t pay the rent? Also, having a baby is a huge burden on even the happiest of relationships. It’s a huge change. I didn’t want to have to cope with becoming a mother before I was ready, and on top of that add financial worries and stress.
So, I am not telling you to have an abortion or to give up your child. But please please please think about all of things other commenters are mentioning. Medical insurance, child care, financial support, maternity leave, finishing school, shitty salary from a job you don’t love, the possibility of not having a supportive partner and raising a baby alone…. are you REALLY ready for this? I don’t know you but I don’t feel that you are.
Don’t turn this into a romantic fantasy. Be real.
Abortion is sad…. And in Canada you would get money for the baby from the government
The reason you feel weird about it is because it’s not natural to kill your own fetus When you’re not desperate. You could have taken a few years off and used reusable diapers and breast fed. You could get free baby clothes on Craigslist.
Your situation is not the same as a single mothers, abortion wise or parenting wise
so all you took from this commenter’s personal story is that she isn’t in the same situation. and that the LW could use government assistance and Craigslist to support her child. way to be judgmental.
yes, because its totally better to rely on the government to pay for your baby then making the adult decision that your not ready for the huge life change that a baby brings…
Thank you. It is comments like the one above as to why I am convinced than 98% of the people on government assistance are just lazy and irresponsible. 2% genuinely had a really shitty thing (or things) happen to them and need our compassion and assistance. The other 98% – well I’ve made my opinion clear enough on that for one day.
Not really sure what your point is…except to try to make someone feel bad.
So why don’t you finish your thought instead of alluding to it Katia? Therefore, due to all of the reasons you listed, Anonymous was wrong to abort her fetus. At least own up to what you’re implying so people that have a problem with it know what they’re working with. If that’s not what you’re saying then please clarify.
Katia Being a judgmental bitch is sad. The real reason you feel the need to judge others for their personal choices is because you are a self-hating, obnoxious person. You could have educated yourself and felt empathy toward others without making a snap judgment is best for others based on your narrow-minded world view.
Your situation is not the same as kind, intelligent people who want to give real advice to others and foster an environment in which people feel free to share their life experiences to help other people.
Katia – another great reason to follow through with a pregnancy is because you want and are ready to be a mother. Just a thought. But no, you’re right – government assistance is available so go for it!
The anon poster is in Canada where EVERYONE of EVERY income level gets money when they have a baby. The anon poster said she aborted for financial reasons. The anon poster is an idiot because that’s not actual poverty. She needs actual perspective. Stupid.
not to mention that raising a child is a fucking lot more then figuring out how to feed, clothe it, and what to do with its poop. thats easy. its the hard stuff, like expaining death, letting a kid grow, getting them into a good school, raising them correctly, fostering their personal growth, getting them interested in stuff, teaching them about money, teaching them how not to be an asshole to everyone else… ECT.
its all that. and more, much more. and im GLAD when people recognize that they cannot do this for a baby. and there is nothing wrong with that realization. i wish more people could be honest with themselves about that, because we have some real assholes in our society.
I agree Katia. It’s absolutely ridiculous to me what some people will call a dire situation. I almost made a similar situation when pregnant with my first son 17 years ago.
And then my exhusband and I went to Tijuana for a day trip to get our mind off it and I learned what poverty actually means and got my head out of my westernized ass and had my baby and bucked up.
Note, I did have two abortions before that. I am not a rabid pro-lifer. But this is just… stupid.
Wait, a baby only costs $10,000 a year? That’s how much my feet cost when you factor in pedis and shoes.
Now I´m wondering what advice LW asked for the other times.
What stood out to me the most about the letter was the part about the parents stressing safe sex, and then absolutely no mention of any accident. (Like all LWs writing about unplanned pregnancies).
LW please consider carefully what Wendy has said, then think about it some more. And then some more. I really just don´t know what to say to you. Kids are great, but they are HARD FUCKING WORK. And expensive. And they turn your life upside down. I know this because I have 2, very planned, very loved kids. That we decided to have once we were financially, emotionally and otherwise stable. And still having them has brought a lot of stress to our lives (apart from all the good, of course).
I really, really want to know too. Although ala Addie Pray: New Rule: If you have to write into DW 12 times in your life – you are no longer allowed to make any decisions on your own. You hire a life coach and must do everything they say. You can no longer be trusted.
I want to know too! Also, if Wendy has answered her twice at least, and now she is in this pickle…I’m going to go ahead and guess that she didn’t listen to whatever Wendy told her before.
I completely agree! Two or three times writing to DW, sure! Twelve, no.
Ha, love the New Rule a la Addie Pray! (Just now seeing this.) I wish there were an alert I could set up to notify me of AP shoutouts – I dream of these things. I think your rule is great – except I have written to Wendy at least twice. And I keep drafting a new Dear Wendy question and then deleting it. All this to say: I’m getting dangerously close to no longer being allowed to make any decisions on my own. But confession: I’d LOVE to have a life-long life coach to make all my decisions. That would be a dream.
Set up a Google Alert on Addie Pray, and any time those words are written out on the interwebz (including when YOU post on DW), you’ll get an email.
Oh no! I’ve already written into Wendy twice–once was because she put out a call for letters and I was about to meet my gf’s family and friends (it was a Your Turn) and I figured it was something that other people could relate to. And then recently it was about something that I might put in a forum later but she responded privately on because SHE ROCKS.
I’m just saying I’m probably gonna hit that limit real, real soon.
yeah it makes me concerned that she doesn’t have a lot of friends or life experience. i can’t imagine actually sending Wendy about a dozen times with real letters that needed actual advice.
and listen to JK and Wendy and other people with kids. having a baby isn’t easy, especially when you’re not prepared. and i agree with Wendy to this will not be your chance to become a Mother. choosing to not to raise this baby (whatever option you choose) does not mean you can’t become a Mother later in life when you are prepared.
(*ALSO I got my second DW newsletter today and was so excited I spilled my tea. LOVED it, Wendy! :))
Glad you liked, thanks!
Yes, today’s newsletter was SO good! I want to memorize that Vonnegut quote
Agreed. Loved today’s newsletter like last Thursday’s. They’re great Wendy.
Ditto! I now have a “collection” of Wendy quotes on my wall at work. Whenever I see one that resonates with me, I print it out & put it on my wall. I’ve had several people ask for copies of a few of them, so thanks Wendy!!
Ooh! Do you think you could email me that list some time?
Absolutely!
I’m dying to know what her other published letters were!
I guess before reading Wendy’s reaction I had a different response to this reader. Now it’s hard, because I don’t know this reader’s maturity or background like Wendy might due to her previous letters. If a 22 year old who will have a college degree tells me that she’s pregnant and planning to have a baby I would say that it’s not ideal but it’s not the end of her life. It’s not like she’s a 15 year old who will drop out and most likely not get her GED.
I guess I have a personal perspective because my boyfriend’s sister got pregnant at 20 while in college. Their parents are extremely conservative. They said they wouldn’t support her, she couldn’t live there, etc…. but once the baby came everything was fine (which it usually is because no one hates their grandchild…at least sane people). Now she still lives at home, is finishing her bachelors in a technical field where she can get a job easily, and everyone is happy as a clam. She had to use government assistance programs to buy formula and diapers occasionally, but she’s making it. I guess the difference with the LW is that she is planning to move in with her boyfriend. I would tell your parents first and see how they react before you make any concrete plans. Your parents may be able to provide a lot more support than your boyfriend who is in college.
I agree that if I were pregnant I would be freaking out more about money/plans than telling my parents, but everyone is different. I suggest you just spit it out and see what happens.
I had the same reaction as Wendy. A college degree isn’t going to put food on the table or clothes on this child’s back (and I’m going to go out on a limb and surmise that the degree isn’t in electrical engineering or quantum physics), nor is a boyfriend who’s three years away from graduation. I especially don’t like the job prospects of someone who worries about her parents yelling at her, when she should be freaking the hell out about how in the world she is going to support the child. And if she does happen to get a job, where is the baby going to be while she’s at work? I would respectfully suggest that she and the boyfriend might want to start talking about these things somewhere along the way.
I’m kind of with you kc. I don’t know this girl from the letters she writes and I don’t know her maturity level. It sounds like Wendy does and Wendy is probably spot on with her assessment.
However, it can work. My family is very conservative and very Catholic. My sister stupidly got pregnant at 19. My mom, other sis and I were supportive. My dad, upset. He told her to confess her sins immediately, and threw some low shots around. Anyway, she had the baby, she lived with my parents for a little over a year, got a great job at a doctor’s office, married my nieces’s father, they now have a another little girl and have a pretty good family. Of course, my sister and brother in law could work on their communication skills with each other. But, they are great parents and love those little girls to death. They are also good providers.
But, I am not stupid and think my sister’s case is a best case scenario for their situation. I don’t think it turns out like this often. In fact, when my sis broke the news to me, I asked is she was going to keep it. I’m 32 and am scared to death of “accidentally” getting pregnant. I honestly don’t know how someone really young can do it.
I guess I didn’t want you to get all horror stories, which is why I shared that of my sisters. But as Wendy said, I would think long and hard about what you’re doing.
If I got pregnant unexpectedly, I would be worried about the next 18 years of raising a child!! I get that the money is the most immediate problem but I would just see my life changing in every way in one big waive of blue stick. I guess it’s because i know exactly what I would do if I decided to keep it (move to be near my parents who I assume would help with the child care in addtion to daycare/nanny while I worked and siblings who would help with everything else– and I think i’m right about that) Butthe biggest thing to me would be dealing with the emotional aspect of a totally unplanned child and the change of your entire lifeplan. Is this not everyone’s first reaction? (See also Kenny Chesney’s “There goes my life”)
YES!!
the money i think i could handle. its all the other crap- a little life depending on me for their very survival, not to mention the growth and development of a person who contributes to society and isn’t an asshole….?
i dont feel like ill ever be ok with doing that. its too much pressure. to much of everything.
Wendy is right on. Part of your concern about telling your parents is that you don’t have any answers to the questions that she posed. Once you really think through the tough stuff, and I mean BE HONEST and don’t romanticize this, you will be better prepared to tell your parents (if at all).
Make lists, look at budgeting websites, get an idea how you would even pay for another person, much less yourself. You will be delivering about graduation/finals time. How do you plan to get a job with an infant? I’m very sorry you are in this predicament. It happens, whether from negligence or ‘the condom broke’ or whatever, but you are an adult and need to make the best choice for yourself and this child.
I agree that she needs to find answers to those questions before she tells them, because they are going to immediately ask her those questions. If she is prepared it will make them feel better.
110% agree. LW you need to make a plan for this child. A carefully thought out, realistic plan before you talk to your family. Go ahead and assume they aren’t going to help. You are an adult and you need to woman up and take care of your shit.
And there are options other than not having it. I would look into those and get educated about them so when your parents ask (because if they are conservative… this will come up, I promise) you will have answers. Take a look at the Illinois site “The Cradle.” As far as I know, they are not affiliated with any religious organization.
I didn’t even realize she was due around graduation until you mentioned it. I wonder if it’s at all possible to cram in some extra classes and earn her degree in time? Or maybe the profs would let her finish her work up a month early in the spring semester?
i would imagine they could be somewhat accommodating?
i think they would be, i know someone who got pregnant in college and the professors did try and help. no one wants to see you not finish when you’re literally weeks away.
Even if the professors *do* accomodate her, she should keep in mind that (fairly or unfairly) the fact that she required such accommodations might color the kinds of letters of recommendation she can get from her professors for employment, grad school, etc. Even if they don’t mean to do it, they will remember, and it will leave a sour taste to have to rearrange a semester’s worth of exam schedules and lesson plans because someone got pregnant before graduating.
oh i agree, it definitely does affect the way you they think of you. i came from a very small college (there were 4500 students) and i think that also affects how much they may accommodate you. but, on the flip side of that is taking a semester off and potentially not finishing (look at teen mom and how hard it is for those girls to finish high school!). i think not finishing would be worse….
Not finishing would be worse, for sure. But not getting good recommendations could hobble her in getting a job. If she’s definitely keeping the baby and HAS full support of her parents, it might make sense to take leave in the spring and finish her degree in the fall–that would hide the reason for her departure and mean that any medical complications/early delivery would not cost her an entire semester’s tuition.
A girl in one of my classes was allowed to present her huge final project a month early so that she wouldn’t be pushing it with her childbirth. She made sure that she didn’t miss any class that semester, and she was able to take off the week or so when she had the baby. It’s worth asking, but in my experience, you have to volunteer to go above and beyond to get that help.
I know in grad school they are really accomodating of that, I’m sure they would be in undergrad as well.
IDK I don’t think that undergrads necessarily give a shit about personal circumstances.
I noticed the “hoping to graduate in May” and wondered if the uncertainty was baby related or not having good grades related. If its the second, then this worries me in more than one way. If its the first, well then yes they should be accommodating but only if you actually work that out in advance and yes, finish your work BEFORE having the baby. If you just assume things will work out and then try to get an extension on your final paper after the fact, they probably will be less helpful.
Oh when Wendy said she recognized the name, I got excited thinking maybe it was Miley Cyrus or someone famous. If you are famous and you read Dear Wendy, would you mind outting yourselves right here right now? Thanks.
Yes!
I am now left curious as to what other letter is the LWers…..hmmm….
I’m with you– I feel like I can’t give any advice unless I know!
So I’ll just say to the LW….WWS. Seriously, please listen to her without feeling like she (& all of us) are being mean, non-understanding jerks.
Wendy’s right. If figuring out how to tell your parents is the biggest of your concerns right now, you’re obviously not thinking about the right things. Do some serious soul searching, and think about if having a child and being a parent is the right thing for you right now. This isn’t a simple decision like what to have for dinner or what car to buy… REALLY think about it. The right thing to do isn’t always the easiest.
WWS and WBS
When you are ready to have a child of your own, your first thought won’t be what will Mommy and Daddy say. If that really is the biggest concern on your mind LW, understandably so since they support you and you live under their roof, please rethink your immediate plans for the future as it does not appear as though you are ready to be a parent. You can’t even support yourself at this point – how will you support 2 or 3 people?
Also, perhaps some of the issues that you’ve been having, and been writing into DW about, relate to your conservative upbringing and/or lack of understanding about sexual health, relationships, self-respect, etc. I don’t know what it was – but if you wrote in a dozen times – I think that is a clear sign that you need to spend some time working on yourself and figuring out why you need so much help and advice from strangers.
“When you are ready to have a child of your own, your first thought won’t be what will Mommy and Daddy say.”
Totally agree. LW, it is okay to worry about what they’re going to think, and that’s natural. I’m sure most 30-something year old single women have the same thoughts too. The problem here is that you’re worrying about it after you skimmed over your actual plans for this baby. Just think: If you’re worried about what people will think now before you actually have the baby, what are you going to do when people give you nasty looks or feel sorry for you as a single mom? You’re going to be judged from that, and when that time comes, if you’re still more concerned about the judging than you are about taking care of your child then you’re going to be a terrible parent.
How you make this conversation go smoothly with your parents: Make plans and figure out exactly what you’re going to do in a realistic way. Do research about the costs of a baby. Find out how many diapers the average baby uses, go price those at the store, price some formula (and include extra because the baby’s going to throw some of it up), price some other baby supplies. Do you have health insurance that will cover the birthing costs or extended hospital stays? If you’re going to be in school, are you going to have a job? Is your boyfriend going to quit school and find a job? It’s hard for two young people to support themselves as it is by paying rent and utilities. Add a baby into the mix and it can be devastating. Do you have space for the baby? Find answers to the hard questions, and you’ll be able to face your parents.
Really think hard about if having this baby is the best idea. I had an abortion in college, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. There was no way I was going to be able to support a baby on my $5 an hour part time job at the movie theater, and it’s not like the job market is any better now for an inexperienced young person without a degree, like yourself. Also consider that having a baby with your boyfriend is a commitment to him. You might not be getting married, but you’ll be attached to him forever if you do this. If you two break up and he decides to establish paternity with the child to get visitation, your life can be greatly limited. Call a family law attorney and talk about it. Seriously. The judge can tell you that you’re not allowed to move out of state, or that you’re not allowed to have a live-in boyfriend for some examples. Do you really want to limit your life this way at such a young age? Just think about it. If you don’t believe in abortion, adoption is a great option too.
Oh, and just expect your life to be full of lawyers and obnoxious things like parenting plans, visitations, etc. Then comes worrying about what he’s doing when your kid is around, or who his next girlfriend is, or worrying that he’s going to try to tell you who you can or can’t date. It is not as simple as having a baby with your boyfriend. It will change every aspect of the rest of your life.
Yeah LW, I was prepared to feel something very different about how to respond to you before reading Wendy’s response. I would listen to her advice, really listen to it, and not get defensive. She’s not saying what she’s saying to be mean or judgmental. She’s had the chance to watch your choices through emails for the past couple of years, and if your decisions give her pause I would stop and ask why.
And it’s great that you want to think it’s a blessing, but will it be for the baby? Will you be able to provide the home your parents did for you?
Honestly there is no great way to tell your parents who you know are going to be disappointed in your choices. The best you can do is just tell them in a calm, collected way. And please practice safe sex in the future.
Kudos to Wendy for researching her letters to such an extent.
And PS – your boyfriend’s baby mama cannot unilaterally decide that he won’t be in the picture. You know that, right? In this day and age fathers have rights and if he really wanted to be in his child’s life, he would find a way. Remember that in 2 years when you wonder how you could have chosen a deadbeat as YOUR baby daddy. You already know what kind of father he is. Or perhaps we can count on another letter to Wendy to complain about how hard it is to be a single mother…
I actually disagree with your assessment of this dude. Maybe he is a deadbeat. Getting two girls pregnant, really? But I can honestly see how a dude would honor the mother’s wishes about how much she wants the biological father in the kids life. Especially if the child resulted from a fling and she could care for him or her on her own. I really just don’t think a guy should be judged on that fact alone.
You could be right that he just doesnt know how to stand up for himself, but still… this shoukdnt be about his relationship with the mother – it shiuld be abi ut what’s best fir the child. Unless that couple intends to lie for his ir her entirelife about paternity the child will inevitabky wonder why its biological dad didn’t want to be in the picture.
Haha, my last reply should serve as a warning against replying via phone on a train. I do know how to write in English….
Haaaa! That was awesome!
Yeah, I don’t know any man I respect that would just slink away because the mother asked him to. Also no mention of this guy paying child support…
Exactly. You can pay child support without ever showing your face.
I see what you two are saying. But really, it’s not that easy. If the mother would prefer she didn’t know you, and didn’t want you involved, I can see not pursuing it. I mean, honestly, what’s better for the kids. Two people who dislike one another fighting over him or her. Or the dad gracefully bowing out and letting the mom know he’s there if needed.
I know a great guy who has tried to be part of his daughter’s life. He fought for joint custody. He tried to see his daughter. The girl’s mom made it impossible for him to get to know his daughter. It’s not as easy as you two think. It just isn’t. To top it off, people still side with the mother. Especially if it’s a one night stand.
Oops. My friend didn’t have a one night stand. This meant to be a seperate statement . . .
It’s not as easy as you two think. It just isn’t. To top it off, people still side with the mother. Especially if it’s a one night stand.
You’re basing your opinion on one example from your life and telling me that what I think isn’t accurate, when my opinion is based on working with thousands of couples battling through the court system over custody issues. Further, no one is saying that it’s easy to get custody or visitation if the mother is disagreeable to that. I know it’s not “easy”. But it’s not so difficult that I would assume that this particular guy from the letter legitimately wanted to support his kid and it was made impossible for him. There’s no mention anywhere of him even paying child support.
Exactly. He doesnt appear to have fought on behald of that chlld at all. He just followed the path of least resistance.
I respectfully disagree. I can see that it’s easier for the dad to follow the mother’s wishes. But that doesnt make it better for the child. I know several people who have no relationship with a parent and it causes them pain, especially when that parent is alivw and well. That’s one reason there are so many open adoptions now . Its simply better for the child.
I get that. The friend I alluded to below has a terrible relationship with his ex. But, you can still do right by the child and make support payments. You can just drop that check in the mail and never have to see the mother if that’s what she wants. If she chooses to rip the check up, that’s on her. Better still, set up an electronic payment to an account in the child’s name and make the payments. There are ways. But paying child support is the right thing to do. It just is. If this guy didn’t make the effort, I don’t think much of him.
You would pay child support for a kid that you (effectively) weren’t allowed to have any contact with and had two loving parents who can fully support it? To me that is like paying child support for a kid you gave up for adoption. Unless there is a danger-to-the-child reason why you aren’t allowed to be ANY part of the kids life, I see no reason for financial support that isn’t necessary for the child’s wellbeing.
I’d pay child support and I’d fight to be a part of the child’s life. And I wouldn’t need a court to order me to do either. If I wasn’t allowed near the child (which isn’t the case here) I would still be legally obligated to support the child since I helped create him/her. I’m not sure what I would do if the couple was rich and didn’t need any money, I guess I would consider not paying anything if the kid already had ample money and they had money to burn. But I think that’s a moot point since that probably doesn’t apply here nor in the vast majority of cases.
If the two parents wanted to raise the child and I wanted nothing to do with it then I’d consider allowing them to actually adopt the child.
But isn’t that the case here that he’s not allowed any contact and the mom is raising the kid as the husband’s?
The letter says that the mom and her husband “want as little to do with my boyfriend as possible”, not that he’s legally not allowed near the child. Fathers have rights and if he wanted to, he could see the kid. If she obstructed any visitation, he could get court-ordered visitation. Sounds like he just doesn’t want to.
If he did something to actually legally not be allowed near the kid, then yes he should still pay because he created the kid. But my inclination from reading the letter is that he wants no involvement, and doesn’t want to pay. We don’t even really know if the mom doesn’t want him involved, we only know what he told his new girlfriend which is fairly biased.
If the husband was listed as the father at birth (whether or not he knew if he wasn’t the genetic father), he is the one with paternal rights. My understanding if this were the case, bio dad couldn’t demand vistation rights, nor could he be forced to pay child support.
The guy on the birth certificate would be the date, full-stop.
*dad
Whoever is on the birth certificate is the default father, but that can be contested by a dad that wants to be involved. The government doesn’t take kids away from parents who actively want them unless it is a very extreme case like one of abuse.
p.s. And even in cases of abuse, it is VERY difficult to sever ties. The court would prefer supervised visitation… anything. The theory is that a parent who wants to be involved is almost always in the best interest of the kid, even if the parent has been abusive. It’s actually scary hard to take a kid away from a parent, in my experience.
yeah i mentioned this last week but at first the court was going to give my sexual abusive father supervised visits. my sister and i basically told the judge we wouldn’t go and he listened to us and chose to sever his parental rights.
it was hard to get to that point though. hard.
How does that work, practically speaking? If the husband is listed on the birth certificate, what evidence would this boyfriend have to claim he is the father? If the mother claims or he’s not, and there’s nothing legally tying him to the child, does he have the right to demand a paternity test?
That seems kind of hairy. What if there was a vindicative ex who wanted to hassle his ex and her new family? How do they balance out the rights of the prospective father and the privacy of the mother who claims he has nothing to do with the child? It would seem to me that allowing a man access to a child he *thinks* (or pretends to think) might be his could be abused by a guy looking to contiune to be a presence in a woman’s life who doesn’t want him there.
That’s an interesting take, but I really don’t see a lot of men going that route trying to hassle some ex girlfriend or something. That would be an unfortunate situation, but, I think that parental rights are so important that it would be worth the rare hassle to give fathers a method of proving paternity. And the justice system happens to agree with me there.
So yes, if a guy claims paternity but he isn’t married to the mother nor present at the birth to be on the birth certificate, he has legal channels to prove paternity by requesting a paternity test. Honestly, it isn’t THAT much of a hassle, considering what’s at stake.
I must watch to much Dateline and 48 Hours, because the first thing that popped into my mind was “Opportunities for stalkers!!!!”
But, as you reasonably point out, that’s probably a bit alarmist and not an issue in most cases.
Interesting to know.
I have a good friend who has a daughter. The baby’s mama is a total B. She has said many times “I wish you weren’t even involved in her life, it would be so much easier.”
He loves his daughter dearly. As he should! And he exercises his rights as a father. Sure, he has to pay child support, but he gets to see his daughter.
This guy sounds like a deadbeat. You want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t care to be involved in his first child’s life? Weird.
Thank you so much for bringing this point up! It was, honestly, my first thought as well. It’s a serious red flag, and I can’t even imagine getting involved with someone who gave me such a “cry me a river” story about why they weren’t a part of their child’s life.
This whole line of comments has reminded me of that guy in TN that has something like 15 kids and was asking the gov’t for help in paying his child support. Not that the LW’s boyfriend is like *that* guy…. but that’s still the imagine this brought to mind.
Just to shock you a little more, he actually has something like 32 kids, not 15… Yikes.
Dear Prudence has had a series of letters recently all involving kids who weren’t told the truth about who their father was. Different scenarios, but it that got me thinking… I wouldn’t respect a guy who was ok with their child’s mother pretending they don’t exist or lying about paternity. That’s just setting the poor child up for heartbreak somewhere in the future.
Similar to adoptions, the truth in age appropriate doses seems much more appropriate, even if the boyfriend’s ex wants to create a nuclear family around her new husband.
I think the LW’s boyfriend was pretty happy with the fade out and not being involved which doesn’t bode well for his future parental instincts 😉
I just read that today!!!
I’d also by worried about raising a child with a guy that is stupid enough to not learn from his first unintended pregnancy…a one night stand I remind you..I mean he must have had no condom on and deposited it in there……wtf…..
And the engaged woman keeping the child after blatantly cheating and still getting married to the other guy (I would’ve called it off) is just too Jerry Springer for me.
Maybe he’s a guy who pokes holes in condoms?
“(Even if you’re adamant about keeping the baby, it doesn’t hurt to educate yourself on different options available to you, as well as any assistance you may qualify for).”
LW – If you are already in the position of having to think about how the government can help you pay for your child, please, please consider adoption. There are so many families that can biologically not have kids, yet would make amazing parents. I know I’ve mentioned it before but it’s worth repeating – I have two cousins who could not have kids of their own and they both have two adopted kids each. These kids are the most well mannered, well adjusted, privileged kids I know. They aren’t spoiled – at least they don’t act it – but they can play whatever sports they want, they have new bikes and new tennis shoes, they’ve been on family vacations. I know kids can be raised on a lot less money than them and still have a happy childhood, but just because it can happen doesn’t make it a good idea. Please don’t think about what you want – think about what’s best for your child.
If you get all of Wendy’s questions above answered and you have a great plan for raising this child, fine. But I hope you hear her, and my warning. Adoption should always be on the table for someone in your situation. If your child is not even born yet and you’re already having to look into government assistance – there is a problem. This means that no exigent circumstances occurred – there was not a death of a parent, there was no unexpected disability. You have options here, and please don’t forget about them.
Ok, I’m going to say something super-controversial and it’s something I’ve been mulling over. My opinion isn’t set on it, but I think it’s something worth discussing. On the issue of adoption, a big premise of it is that we are helping these women who can’t afford to raise their babies and also helping the babies have better lives, right? But if we really wanted to help women who got accidentally pregnant (which can happen to almost anyone), communities would support these women and their children rather than telling them “someone can raise your child better than you can.” And they would try to keep these children with their biological families rather than taking them away to a family who has more financial resources. And in that fashion, I somehow think that adoption has become this business (and it is a business) of rich people basically buying poor people’s babies.I don’t think adoption is always bad, and I don’t think it’s always good, just something to think about? Anyone’s thoughts?
Oh I have a lot of thoughts.
1. My cousins wanted to be mother’s. They didn’t want to pay for someone else to be a mother.
2. Why do you think it’s a business? They didn’t pay the mother’s for their babies. That is illegal. They both adopted from Canadian mothers (they live in Canada). Yes they pay their medical expenses – but they would pay their own medical expenses if they are able to get pregnant.
3. I’m not really liking the idea that a biological parent is automatically better for a child than an adopted parent. There are good parents and bad parents. The biological parent is not better than anyone else. Actually – considering how many bad parents are out there I think in many cases they’re worse.
4. In my cousin’s cases – one adopted from two different teen moms and the other adopted both kids from the same mother – who was a drug addict stripper. Literally. I’m sorry if you can’t get your shit together when you have kids and not be a drug addict – you don’t deserve to have your kids.
“I’m not really liking the idea that a biological parent is automatically better for a child than an adopted parent. There are good parents and bad parents. The biological parent is not better than anyone else.”
Amen. Just because you contributed to the creation of the child does not mean you are going to be able or willing to take care of that child.
To be fair about the business comments, some adoption REALLY is a business. Yay that it isn’t where canadians adoption canadians. (No sarcasm). But it can cost 10s of thousands of dollars through some agencies in China and India etc. and some NGOs are finding out that it REALLY is a business (with people having babies to give up for adoption to americans) for some horrible agencies etc.
No one is saying that all people who adopt buy babies or anything like that. But some agencies are horrible and the adoption “business” has become a business in many many ways.
“And in that fashion, I somehow think that adoption has become this business (and it is a business) of rich people basically buying poor people’s babies.”
That is an interesting perspective.
Some people claim that money has nothing to do with properly raising children, and I think that’s naive. Yes, being rich doesn’t guarantee that you will be a good parent (in fact having too much is almost as bad for children as not having enough) and yes poorer people raise amazing children all the time. But food and clothes housing cost money. So, money does matter.
Now, as to your thoughts on why society shouldn’t just support the biological mothers in keeping their kids… well, mothers put their kids up for adoption for a myriad of reasons, not just financial ones. You can give all the money and support in the world to a 16 year old girl, but it would still be extremely difficult for her to pursue an education while raising a child. And then there’s the issue of emotional maturity and the desire to be a parent, both traits that ideally, adoptive parents would have.
Oh I think that money has everything to do with raising a child, and to make my perspective clear I’m not against adoption overall I just think it’s more complicated and morally ambiguous than a lot of people like to admit. My cousin and his wife just adopted a baby from a woman who had 6 other kids and felt like she was done raising children (why she couldn’t use BC, I don’t know). I think it’s just an interesting discussion point but I know everyone is going to hound me for “WHY DO YOU HATE ADOPTION!?!?”
Woah woah woah. Morally ambiguous? Seriously? Please explain before my head explodes.
Ok…this is my last reply because I wanted to raise it as a discussion point and not being attacked for saying I hated adoption (which I didn’t). So no need for your head to explode. But say a 18 year old girl gets pregnant. And everyone is like “abort it or send it for adoption”, instead of her family and her community helping her and the father raise the baby as their own, so that both parents can finish school and be financially successful. I know many people (most of whom were internationally adopted) feel a loss of a sense of self because they were adopted. They have no connection to their birth-culture or their birth-family. And although they love their adoptive parents and sibling, they are missing out on roots.
I personally think that being connected to one’s “roots” is an overrated concept. Yes it’s good to be culturally involved with your society and fellow man, but I don’t think that has to have anything to do with your bloodline or biology or even ethnicity. Also I believe that not knowing one’s “roots” is a convenient scapegoat for the general discontentment and disconnectedness that pretty much all of us feel at one time or another. Loving adoptive parents would trump “roots” and unprepared, immature biological parents in my book every time.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know who your biological parents are, but from most personal accounts I’ve heard, the experience can be vastly underwhelming. Your biological parents don’t dictate your identity, and they aren’t the easy answer to who you are.
SO SO agree. “Roots” are nothing compared to: being loved, being taken care of, not dying of shaken baby syndrome, having shoes and clothes and food on the table. I’m not saying that all young mothers would be bad mothers, but if you are not prepared to be a mother, then adoption would be a great thing for your baby and a miracle for a childless couple.
My mother was adopted by the way, so I don’t know half of my biological ancestry. But I’m pretty damn happy with the adopted one, their history is enough roots for me!
I think one thing that’s missing from this discussion is the perspective of mothers who give their children up for adoptions. I’m not about to chime in with that, as I’m not a mother of anyone. But I have read studies that suggest these women have a much harder time emotionally than women who simply have abortions. I really recommend “The Girls Who Went Away,” an oral history of women who gave up children, willingly or not, in the 1950s and 60s.
Pregnancy (I hear from people who won’t stop banging on about it on Facebook) is so intimate as it progresses. Untying that bond, however willingly or nobly, is almost inevitably traumatic, so I think it’s beyond harsh to say “give up your baby, poor lady, so you won’t burden the rest of us.”
I am not sure why communities should provide more support to teenaged couples who find themselves pregnant than they currently do. This would actually provide an incentive for teens who want to get out from under parental supervision or move in with their bf/gf before they are ready. I’m sure it’s not the same everywhere, but my community does allow pregnant girls to remain in HS and has a free nursery that cares for the babies during school hours so the new mother can continue and complete her HS education. These mothers are now eligible for food stamp assistance and some for subsidized public housing.
You say 18-year old mothers/fathers, so you’re basically talking about HS grads or kids within less than a year of completion. That means when you’re talking about continuing their education to become financially successful, you’re talking about community support to go to college.Community college costs are heavily subsidized by the local community. Beyond that, I think you are holding out pregnancy as a way of securing one’s future, rather than something that you should be sure you are financially stable, before becoming pregnant.
Kerrycontrary, I have some friends in AZ who are adoptive parents, and they had to take something like a years worth of classes before having the opportunity to adopt. The classes covered a lot of the studies on the psychology of adopted kids, and required them to allow contact with the birth family, and to agree that if the child was of a different culture or ethnicity they had to become a part of that community as well. I don’t know if it’s like that in every state, but I thought it was a really positive setup because it was approached everything from the point of what is best for the child, as opposed to what will the adoptive parents be most comfortable with.
How is that a moral issue? So now it’s morally wrong to adopt a kid because they don’t know their roots? That sounds like something they should ask their adoptive parents about. Where was I born? Can we go visit the village. Or in my cousin’s case – they lived two hours away from where they were born and go on hockey tournaments there all the time – so they’re not really missing out on their roots.
Kerry, I totally understand what you’re trying to say, even if it’s opened a whole can of worms. Can open! Worms everywhere!
A lot of people hear of a pregnant woman, who, for whatever reason, probably shouldn’t keep her child, and think “Adoption! Of course! Nice and neat!”
Same with infertile couples. They get to hear: “Oh! Why don’t you just adopt?!”
But, in reality, there’s a lot of complicated shit that can result, and people probably shouldn’t be so glib about it. Like abortion, it’s a complicated choice.
Thanks 🙂
Adoption is morally ambiguous? and abortion is what?
also morally ambiguous….but I wasn’t talking about abortion.
I’m being serious – can you explain what you mean by morally ambiguous? I get that it can be complicated. But I’m not sure what you mean by making adoption a moral issue?
I don’t think it’s rich people buying poor people’s babies. Lots of people who have unplanned pregnancies are not poor. And, while adoption does cost a significant amount of money, I don’t think that everyone who adopts is rich. I know people who adopted a baby they fostered, and they weren’t rich at all.
Adoption is so much more than a business, I feel like you can’t really simplify it to being that.
Adoption agencies (even non-profit private ones) often profit executives with excessive pay and compensation. There is an exchange of money for services-connecting people who want babies with people who have babies. That’s what I mean by it’s a business.
Right. This is called regulation. Which makes sure that it’s not baby selling. That helps birth mother’s find adoptive parents they’re comfortable with. So please explain to me what the problem is.
Sure it’s a business. So is preventing pregnancies. So is going to the hospital and having a baby. So is getting out of bed, drinking coffee and commuting to work. Anytime you consume a good or service you do not generate for yourself – welcome to the world of business. I don’t know what the point is you are trying to make? Not all adoption services are prohibitive to lower income families if that is what you are alluding to. When they do home inspections for prospective families they make sure you have sufficient resources to raise the child – including financial – but they don’t require a yacht docked in the backyard. I’ve known two single women who have adopted – not wealthy financially – but more than capable of looking after and loving children and now their girls have loving families.
Well, yeah, it kind of has to be a business. What would you suggest otherwise – craigslist? Add a “free baby” category? The agencies have to vet out possible families and deal with all of the paperwork – of course money is exchanged.
I agree with you Bethany. There are a myriad of reasons for giving up a child – economics may be just one. Ultimately though the parents giving up the child want better for their child than they can provide – which is inclusive of everything you give to a child – emotionally, physically, spiritually, the opportunities, the support system and yes the after school programs and family vacations and new bikes. I think the sentiment that “A birth-mother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart” kind of encapsulates what adoption is really about.
you make it sound like human trafficking.
In many parts of the world it is and the US is not immune to those forces. People need to be careful about adoption no matter where they live but generally if you do your homework it can be a smooth and fulfilling exchange/experience.
I’m not sure what the ratio of people who want babies is to people who can’t keep them is. But most adoptions are not done out of charity. It’s not like rich people decide to help out the poor folk and “buy” their babies. I’ve known several great couples who adopted children because they couldn’t have their own or were afraid of passing on some nasty genetic material and were thrilled to have that chance. None of them were rich.
I don’t think the fact that money is exchanged makes adoption bad. People have to get paychecks and bills have to be paid in order to make the adoption happen (yes, execs may pad their paychecks, but even if they didn’t, adoption would still cost money).
You do raise a good point about helping the mothers instead. But I think that would take a A LOT more money, and I don’t know where it would come from.
Ok, I guess I’ll chime in here.
I’m someone who has given up a son for adoption. I was 13, so even if I had all the support in the world, I do not believe for a second that I should have kept him. Do you?
My experience with it is maybe skewed, because it was the choice I made. I can’t say it was an easy choice, I got very close to him as I carried him those 9 months, even though I knew he wasn’t going to “be mine”.
(I just realized he’s the same age I was when he was born… Fuck)
But I can tell you that the families we screened had been waiting on that list for a long time. They had to meet certain criteria and have interviews and all kinds of things. Reading those letters written by the families was heartbreaking, you could feel in every word how badly they wanted a child. It was hard to choose one.
Why is it a problem if these people have money? Well, because one of the things all people should consider before having children is whether they can financially support them. So they’re not going to approve a family to adopt a baby if they are barely making ends meat – even if they are the most loving, best family in the world.
But you are making an assumption that all women who give babies up for adoption are poor. There are numerous reasons a woman would give up a child for adoption that have nothing to do with money.
Personally, I think this idea that adoption isn’t a very good option is kind of a way to punish the woman. I mean, I made a mistake, and this way of thinking sort of says I need to pay for that mistake, never mind what is best for the child. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but I feel like there are numerous options out there for women who are pregnant and we shouldn’t judge any of them.
ChemE: wow what an experience at so young an age. Definitely was the best decision for you in this situation, but still: a very adult choice to make when you were barely a teenager.
Wow… Thanks for sharing your take on it!
ugh. I didn’t say adoption wasn’t a good option. Everyone took everything I said to mean “Adoption is horrible and no one should ever ever do it”. I said “I don’t think adoption is always bad, and I don’t think it’s always good, just something to think about?”
Do I think adoption is a good practice when babies are STOLEN from their mothers in china and then put into orphanages, being advertised as babies who were “given up” due to the one child law? http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/10/black-market-babies-broken-families-in-china-confused-children-in-the-us/247329/
No, and do I think adopting all little babies out of Africa (huge generalization I know) instead of working to improve those communities is the solution to their problems? No.
So could everyone please READ what I actually wrote and stop getting so defensive over being adopted/knowing someone who was adopted?
Children being stolen is horribly unethical behavior and a completely separate issue from adoption itself. Obviously no one thinks children being kidnapped is a good idea, and I’ve never heard of adopting babies from impoverished countries posited as an alternative to helping improve those communities.
“I’ve never heard of adopting babies from impoverished countries posited as an alternative to helping improve those communities.”
Please see Madonna and the mess she has made of her “foundation” in Malawi. I am not sure if it is purposeful or not, but all the Angelina’s of the world do give the impression that they are “saving children” from these poor countries whereas one could argue that improving the basic infrastructure and healthcare in these nations might lead to less orphans in the first place.
I definitely agree with your last line, but I don’t think that adoptions and improvements in infrastructure have to be mutually exclusive. Not in a perfect world anyway… *sigh*.
These are all very good, very valid, and sadly, far too often true, points.
By the same token, the LW isn’t a poor woman from rural China. Her adoption experience, if she were to pursue that route, would be very different as a compartively well educated and affluent woman in the U.S. So the discussion of how adoption can be explotative and manipulate unwilling mothers into giving up they’re children isn’t immediately relavant to this LW. I think for her, it would very likely be her choice than it would be be pressure or deception from an agency looking to capitalize on her infant.
And I agree that adoption isn’t universally good. But neither is abortion, and neither is motherhood. I think everyone would hope that the LW evaulates each option fully, and picks the one that has the least downsides given her particular circumstances.
that specific kind of adoption wasn’t really what was being referred to though. we aren’t talking about adopting children from china or africa. we’re talking about mothers in the us who aren’t prepared to be mothers giving their children up for adoption locally.
are the types of adoption you cite here good? absolutely not. is it a smart decision for a mother who can’t provide a good, stable life for her child to place that child in a home that can. i think it is.
You said adoption is telling women “someone can raise your child better than you can.” Yes that’s true, I mean isn’t that the point? If it wasn’t why would anyone put children up for adoption? You’re question, to me at least, implies that no one can raise your child better than you can, so why would you put them up for adoption? Which implies a lot of things in that sentence.
And being a business transaction, well, sure. But shouldn’t it be? I mean you can’t just go around giving kids to whomever and whenever you feel like. It’s not like money goes from adoptive parents to birth mother. It’s a process set up to stop unfit people from gaining access to vulnerable women and their children.
And talking about China and Africa didn’t show up anywhere in your initial post, so I’m not getting the link. I was speaking about adoption in general and obviously it being the woman’s choice.
“It’s not like money goes from adoptive parents to birth mother.”
FWIW I’ve known of situations like this in the US. The birth mother basically worked 2 wonderful families against each other to get as much as she could before giving up the baby (and I’m talking luxuries like gym memberships, clothing, and salon treatments not medical care) and devastating one family. There are unscrupulous adoption agencies in this country too, it’s not just a “third world problem”
Truth. and I am not so naive to think that many prospective adoptive parents who are having trouble finding the perfect birth mother aren’t willing to offer “additional compensation” if necessary. Young girls, and even women over the age of 18, are trafficked every day in America. Why can’t people believe that babies can be too?
No one is saying that terrible things don’t happen – but they’re the exception – not the rule. So it would be much better to encourage this LW to explore all her options than to be stuck with a baby she can’t afford with a shitty father. (Yes he’s a shitty father – he’s already not supporting one).
So, this is a bit off topic, but the “women and girls get trafficked everyday” line reminded me of this article I read recently:
http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Global-Issues/2012/0909/Human-trafficking-a-misunderstood-global-scourge
If you don’t feel like reading it, it was essentially saying that while trafficking of women and girls (for sex, in the case of this article) is a problem, its not as prevelant as it seems, and more to the point, it diverts attention away from trafficking of humans for domestic work, which happens far more frequently.
Not trying to make a point here, I just found it interesting.
And yes, I will admit to being defensive. I think defensive is a natural response to someone criticizes (even inadvertently) a choice you made. A huge, life changing choice.
I’ve struggled for a long time whether my choice was a good one, but I think I’m at the point where I’m ok with it. But hearing someone say something that is in a way judging my decision, I will get defensive. Maybe that’s not the grown-up thing to do, but I’m working on it.
ChemE, I have tremendous respect for you. You sound like an amazing person
I can’t even remotely fathom my 13-year-old self dealing with a pregnancy with any modicum of maturity. I still had braces and a Backstreet Boyz sleeping bag for God’s sake.
Definitely not amazing, but thank you. I appreciate your kind words 🙂
I would be defensive, too, ChemE! I just want to share an experience I had that might make you feel less defensive about your choice, and to give an example to the LW about why adoption in her situation could be great:
One of the most awkward (and awesome) things I ever witnessed was in my first week of undergrad. I was at a bar with a couple girls from my floor … they were roommates, I was just out with them. Adoption came up, and one of the girls started making many of the negative points about adoption that have been made on here (as well as a couple of much more insensitive “points” about how “all adopted kids I know are f.ucked up,” etc.).
And I’m disagreeing here and there, as the other girl just sits there. And when her roommate runs out of steam, she says, “I’m adopted. I love my parents. When I say that, I mean I love my adoptive parents because they have given me an amazing life as an upper class citizen in a city I love and all the love I could ask for. And I have no interest in knowing my biological parents – because I do not feel an emotional need to know them, as I have everything I need emotionally from my parents now – but I have the utmost respect for the fact that two college students who barely knew each other decided to give up their baby for adoption to two people who really, really wanted a baby. I respect the fact that my biological mother was a freshman in college, going to class pregnant, facing judgment and morning sickness and everything else so that I can be here today. I have two parents who love me, and two people who cared about me enough before I was even born to give me the chance to live the life I’ve lived. I don’t think I’m f.ucked up.”
I mean, not word for word or anything, but I remember it so, so, vividly. That awesome, articulate woman was the maid of honor in my wedding a few weeks ago.
So, yeah, adoption is a really viable choice. And, FWIW, my adopted best friend also is pro-choice. Go figure. Just thought I’d throw her perspective, as an adopted child of college students, out there.
Thanks for sharing. I am amazed that someone would be so critical of adoption. I mean obviously it’s not best for everyone, but I think those are the exceptions.
I so, so agree. I feel as though it is not spoken of enough. When someone gets accidentally pregnant it seems as if there is only two choices: raise the baby or abort it. But adoption can be such a beautiful thing- such a gift to a couple who cannot conceive (heartbreaking in itself)
Also – in case I didn’t make myself clear enough – Welfare should be plan B. Meaning you have a plan A. If you cannot afford a child while your pregnant think of your other options. Do not just plan on being on welfare. I’m sick of other people having to pay for other people’s mistakes.
Yeah, really. I don’t mind supporting programs that help out people in need, but I do mind people freeloading off of me and my taxes, that should be going to help those people in need. Welfare shouldn’t be the ultimate goal, it’s only temporary.
I second this. I know tons and tons of teenage and single women that get pregnant on purpose with all the intention of having tax-payers and uncle sam foot the bills for all their kids that they couldn’t afford in the first place. I even know a girl who quit her job so that she could qualify for government assistance. It infuriates me that people abuse the system this way because they are simply lazy. Where I grew up it was literally a lifestyle choice to get pregnant young and collect government welfare, food stamps, medicaid and section 8 housing. Everyone was not only doing it, but encouraging all their friends to do it too. I was told it was so “easy” and “free” to get pregnant and in fact the more kids you had, the more money you were entitled to. I’ve been on birth control since I became sexually active and have never been pregnant in my life so I honestly have no idea how easy or hard it is to raise kids on the government’s dime but it’s not something I aspire to and it does anger me that my tax dollars are supporting it.
Where was this? Just curious
@ Taylor. I don’t know where Sistine was referring to but in my experience it is fairly common… small town/big city/rural/urban/black/white. California, Georgia, DC, NJ, Mississippi. Without a hint of actual scientific, peer reviewed evidence I would just suggest that there are certain segments of the population for which it becomes a vicious cycle. When you have 37 year old grandmothers and there is no “good behavior” (whether it be education, nutrition, parenting, etc.) to model it is really hard to break out of the pattern.
@Taylor I’d rather not say where I am from, I don’t live there now. For the record, it was a small town on the east coast. I left for college and never went back. But when I was 15 I was encouraged to get pregnant by my friends and sister. I was literally told, “I’ll help you get welfare and food stamps. It’s so easy.” My sister and all her friends all got pregnant at 15 and lived off state aid for years. It is a vicious cycle that I could have very easily fallen into. Growing up around it, it seemed to be the norm but I wanted more for my life. I think it’s hard to break out of that mentality when it’s all you’ve known. Needless to say, I’m really glad I got out of that environment and went on to do much much more with my life than simply become a welfare mother.
@MMcG Funny you should mention 37 year old grandmothers. My sister is a 31 year old grandmother. No joke!
It’s really sad because I know these programs are set up to help people but they are abused so much they are completely ineffective and only breed stupidity. When my niece had her baby at 15, she literally said “It’s so easy” when someone asked her if it was tough being a teen mom. However, it’s worth noting that my sister’s side of the family has a huge support system. They have dozens upon dozens of cousins to help them watch each other’s kids. There’s so many I don’t even know who I’m related to. And they all cram up in the housing. Like 10-12 people in a 3 bedroom house. So they always have family around them all the time to help with all the kids.
As a person who was a kiddo raised on welfare – I do not recommend it as first choice for a young person whose body, mind and understanding of social relationships are being formed. Elementary school was okay, none of us really knew any better, though lunchtime was a bit humiliating (my school didn’t have a lunch program, and nobody ever wanted to trade PB&J for cold, moldy, leftover Mac-n-cheese). But Middle School – that was absolute hell. Suddenly all my good friends were too good for me because I wore hand-me-downs from the neighbor kids, couldn’t afford to join after school programs, and I got beat-up all the time for things like my gym shorts being too small. It’s hard to build decent self-esteem when everybody else “is” better than you.
Note- if your boyfriend truly wanted to be involved in his son’s life, he has a legal right to visitation, even if the mother preferred for him not to be involved. Given all of the context to your situation that Wendy has provided, I’d urge you to consider that he may not want to be as involved in that child’s life as he led you to believe… and he could do the same to you and your child down the road.
I don’t know that this is 100% true in all cases. If he isn’t listed on the birth certificate he is going to have to petition to get a DNA test to get proof he should have rights to the child. And even then I don’t think it’s garenteed that he would be awarded any parental rights. Also it’s expensive to go through all of legal channels to secure the parental rights.
I’m definitely not a legal expert but I have a male cousin who is going through something similar to this guy.
If he petitioned at the time of birth, it wouldn’t be an issue. However, the longer a person waits, the harder it becomes.
I know in California you can get waivers for these types of petitions if you are under a certain income level. The policy is that parental rights are too important to the best interests of the child to just take away from a parent without their knowledge and consent. He could petition for a DNA test if he isn’t on the birth certificate, like you said, and then get visitation. He probably didn’t do this because 1) he didn’t want to be involved enough to go to the trouble and/or 2) he doesn’t want to pay child support, which he would probably have to end up doing if he proves paternity.
No, if you want to be involved in your child’s life, you can make it happen. If filing a few forms and going to a mediation or court date are too involved for you, then it’s because you don’t want to be a parent.
I really don’t think it is that simple as filing a few forms. In the situation that I am familiar with the woman is from a predominate and very wealthy family and the man is not. Her family has threatened to smear his name and use their private lawyer to run up his court costs. They’ll argue he is an unfit father etc etc. I’m not saying it is impossible for him to get access to the child but it can be very difficult, time consuming, expensive and exhausting. Perhaps the guy in this situation thought it was in the child’s best interest for the ex-fling and her now husband to raise the child as their own.
Smear his name? How so, is he a public figure or something? The situation you’re describing is certainly unusual. Nothing is 100% true in 100% of cases, but generally getting custody is not as hard as the outlier situation you’re describing.
As far as being an unfit father etc., family courts are pretty well accustomed to those accusations and in my experience do a decent job of cutting through the BS. It’s pretty much always a he said she said situation with “unfit” parenting in the context of custody battles, with two angry parents acting out of spite and not in the best interest of the kids at all. Family law judges know this. And fancy attorneys don’t really have the incentive to go to battle on cases like these because in most jurisdictions they can’t take contingency fees on family law matters.
Sure they can’t take contengency fee’s but if the family is paying them out right why wouldn’t they take the case? I agree it’s not the “normal” situation but it is a real situation. My uncle is also currently fighting for rights to see his two children, and you know why he can’t? The mother was awared a restraining order because the girls (who are 4 and 5) said they saw dad in the tub one day because they got out of bed and walked into the bathroom unannounced. My uncle is a respectable, educated, pilot while the mother of the children leaves them alone on a regular basis with her 14 year old daughter so she can bartend. And my uncle has NO rights to the children what so ever. Fair?
Family courts overwhelmingly side with the mother is custody/visitation cases. One article I just googled said only about 10% of fathers have sole custody of the children. I’m not advocating for this guy being a deadbeat dad just pointing out that sometimes father’s don’t have as easy of a time as mothers.
A few things…
“Sure they can’t take contengency fee’s but if the family is paying them out right why wouldn’t they take the case?”
I didn’t say they wouldn’t take it, clearly they did, I said they don’t have the incentive to really battle it out because their compensation isn’t based on what they get. Not to mention, it’s unethical and against the lawyers rules of conduct to utilize the legal system like that- to run up someone’s court costs like that to take away their children. It’s called abuse of process.
Again, not saying it’s not happening in the situation you’re describing. I’m saying that it’s unusual and I’m giving the reasons why it’s unusual. I don’t think it’s fair to characterize a system by exceptional cases.
I don’t know all the details about your uncle’s case but I’ll say that a temporary restraining order is not going to take away his legal parental rights.
“One article I just googled said only about 10% of fathers have sole custody of the children.”
A HUGE element of that statistic is the reality that unfortunately, a lot of fathers don’t want any visitation with their children, and fewer still want sole custody. You can argue that courts side with the mothers, but the vast majority of the time the kids end up with the mothers because that’s how the dads want it as well.
I have a friend going through this. His ex had the baby, but didn’t want him around (really bad breakup). He went to court and won the right to see his child. It’s a ongoing battle because things with the ex are still bad, but he does get to see his child.
Please have an abortion. OR consider adoption. You are not ready to parent this child and there are options out there. Your new BF doesn’t sound like parent material either and remember, if you keep this baby, you will have him in your life for at least 18 years and you really do not know what is in store for your relationship yet. It sounds like either way you really need to grow up a LOT! But please, think this through. You can avoid a really dumbass mistake at this pointl
I’m really not trying to open a can of worms here, but if I were the LW I would be very offended if someone told me to have an abortion. You really think that child would be better off dead than being raised by the LW? That’s so mean and terrible. Don’t get me wrong, I am pro-choice but my own personal moral is that I would never even consider abortion unless it was a crazy fucked up situation like rape or something (and even then I probably wouldn’t do it). The LW obviously knows that abortion is an option; I think suggesting it is rather crass.
I agree. Telling someone to have an abortion is REALLY overstepping, as an giver of unsolicited advice to someone you don’t know.
Unsolicited advice?! She wrote into an advice columnist. Therefore, solicited advice.
Anyways, I think that its a little harsh to say “Please get an abortion.” Perhaps just a “Please consider your options for not raising this baby,” might be less offensive since you don’t know a person’s religious and moral beliefs.
It may have been more tactful to say “please consider your options”, but from WWS, Wendy has been tactful and tactful and tactful (until today when she was very blunt. I was being blunter) and still this LW makes poor choices regarding major decisions. I felt the LW needed to be told this bluntly because she seems to tend to twist whatever advice is given to whatever her emotions and mood dictates in the moment, thus the need for constant advice that she never seems to follow, and poor life choices.
There is no child yet.
Anna, I am also pro-choice. But never say never. You cannot know how you would react in that situation until you’re there. When a child and unpaid bills and lack of job opportunities and condemnation from your family is staring you in the face, you may think differently. Abortion is a legitimate choice in this country. She asked for advice and she’s getting it.
WWS
Also, does anyone else get really excited when they get their period? I don´t have sex all that much, being single and in a small town and all, but last month I did, and even though yay safe sex and all that, I always worry. Even though I know that there´s no way I could be pregnant, I worry. And then I get cramps and instead of hating them like usually do I really, really love them.
I´m not even taking pain meds today!!!
Well..I don’t get periods, but I used to get really excited when my ex-gf’s would have their periods, hahaha. Sigh of relief. (I’m overly paranoid)
When I was in a relationship and having lots and lots of hot sex just about every day, yes I was ecstatic every time my period came on time. I’ve been on the pill for 10 yrs and it’s always worked great. Since my relationship ended 5 months ago though, I don’t really care. The only way I could get pregnant now is if it was immaculate conception like Jesus.
I jump for joy when mine comes. We’re about 9 months out from our wedding and my period was a day late this month. I spent the whole day fretting about what I would do with a newborn at my own wedding. Thankfully I’m baby free this month.
haha, I’ve been doing the same thing, GG! We’re 8 months out, so last month when I realized it I was like “Crap, if I get pregnant now, I’ll be pregnant at the wedding, and I’ll have to buy a new dress and worry about giving birth on our honeymoon or throwing up during the ceremony.” I’m calling the 9 months before our wedding the Critical Time.
(Before anyone jumps on me, obviously a wedding dress is not a bigger concern than a baby. It’s just a joke.)
What?? Your wedding dress is more important than your hypothetical baby??!!
I kid I kid. We had like a million conversations about how excited we would be if we had unexpectedly became pregnant but I sure did breath a sigh of releif when the monthly gift rolled in a few days late. And I had a big dirty martini to celebrate.
Last summer before my wedding I was like that too- once we got about 2-3 months before the wedding I was like ok, at least if it happens now I won’t be showing!
That’s how I think. Just gotta get to November and then it’s all fine.
Except that if I got pregnant in November I would still not be a happy camper. I wanna have my own damn champagne toast!
(Oh and I’m not really ready to be a mom yet. Yeah, that too…)
I would still not want to get pregnant because i’d want to drink at the wedding!
Haha I’m the same way. Terrified of being pregnant and very happy when I get my period every month. But I do try to avoid the fact that I’m on bc and the periods I get are “fake” or whatever. That’s scary too!!
I’m 31, married and have an IUD, and I STILL get anxious if I’m a day or 2 late!!
I have spent HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS on pregnancy tests over the years because I get so worried and I have to find out before my period. I practice super safe sex, but still you always here those stories of the dude that came in one side of the apartment and the girl got pregnant from feeding his fish on a full moon so I get worried! I even get those expensive 6-14 day before your period starts tests that people who WANT to get pregnant buy just to not worry about it lol.
I practice quasi safe sex but never worry about it because nothing too terrible ever happens to me.
OH SHIT, I HAVE JUST DOOMED MYSELF.
You´re gonna have a baaaaaaaaby with Loverboy! Do you think it will be born with the ability to text?
Could you name your first born Budj…whether it is a girl or boy? I think it’s pretty gender neutral…
Your done AP – let me know how the quadruplets turn out 🙂
I was having sex with my bf and my period started and got everywhere. I was all, “do you think i’m gross and like me less now?”
his response: “no! i like you more now because i know you’re not pregnant!”
made me laugh.
I so did not see that coming (Wendy’s response). Whenever I read a letter about someone who gets pregnant accidentally by a guy who already has unplanned children, I can’t wrap my mind around it. Because not only did the guy not learn his lesson, but he managed to find multiple women who didn’t think it was necessary to protect against pregnancy.’
Anyway, I don’t think you fully grasp why your parents are going to be angry. You cite the fact that they told you not to as why they’re going to yell. No, they’re going to yell because their daughter is trying to throw away her future in a way that could have been preventing and which they warned her repeatedly about. Now that you’re becoming a parent, consider this: What if you had high hopes that your child would get a degree and a good job and then start a family when she was mature and with a good partner? But instead, she got pregnant and likely would not finish school, not get as good a job and possibly end up being a single mom, based on her boyfriend’s track record?
I’d take Wendy’s advice to heart. At the very least, it’s time to get serious and realize what your actual obstacles are (and it’s not telling your parents).
“not only did the guy not learn his lesson, but he managed to find multiple women who didn’t think it was necessary to protect against pregnancy.”
Seriously was my first thought when I read the letter. Why didn’t this guy learn to be more careful? Is it of so little consequence to him that his ex-hook-up got pregnant with his baby that he doesn’t try extra hard to keep it from happening again.
And the LW, upon hearing of this guy’s super sperm, does not start being extra vigilant?
Unless someone was purposely trying to trap the other. Has your boyfriend been punching holes in his condoms?
LW, I think alot of these comments sound harsh. I think you are focusing on a small issue and making it big instead of dealing with the real issue at hand. You need to do this now. Put pencil to paper and work out numbers and figure out a few things. A baby will cost $1500 a month (that puts daycare in that number). Can you and your boyfriend do that? If not, can you or your boyfriend support three people on one income? Or Can you both take jobs with different shifts and manage classwork? work out the numbers.
Then make another list. What do you want from the next 10 years of your life? Can you reasonably accomplish those things with a child? Are they worth giving up on or pushing off to put the child first?
I believe that when you speak to your parents, they can help you walk through these problems and get solutions. People get these things to work out all the time. But you need a plan and need to start looking at the nuts and bolts of how to make this work. Good luck.
And $1500 could be low depending on where you live and how much childcare costs. Seriously, babies are expensive, and they continue to be expensive for a really long time!
You are right that it could be a low number but it is realistic. SO LW, If you find a job that makes 30k a year at a 20% tax bracket, you will be taking home $2000 a month. 1500 goes to the needs of the baby. so you have $500 a month left + your Bf’s income. Now, he might have a military stipend plus schooling and if you marry, you could get student housing for married couples. Or every city in the country is required to have low income housing so look up options near your boyfriend’s school. This is why crunching numbers is so important. Look at the plans and see what can be done. Research is your best defense.
Why is it that people who are not prepared to be parents and have no plans to do so seem to get pregnant so easily and the couples I know who are financially and emotionally ready to have children are given horrible odds of conceiving or suffer miscarriages? It’s just very sad.
seriously, I have been thinking this all morning since I first read this letter.
AGE!
I once asked my mom why YM and Seventeen had all these articles about birth control and how you could get pregnant EVERY SINGLE TIME and why Good Housekeeping had articles 8 best positions to try to get pregnant, etc — is it all just marketing?? And her answer was age. 16 yos get pregnant WAY easier than 32 year olds. They just do.
I then wrote a screenplay with the premise that in a culture 16 year olds would all get pregnant and give the baby to the 35 year olds to raise. And that was the system, so it worked out for everyone and no one was sad about it!
Sounds kinda like a dystopian future novel waiting to happen. Because it’s fine, everyone’s ok with it, but you have the one free spirit born into a system they don’t want to go along with and then it all comes crashing down.
I guess age makes sense for most people, but I’m talking about people that aren’t in their 30s. My cousin is experiencing a lot of problems with her baby that is due in October and there’s a chance she will lose it. She’s miscarried before, and she’s only 24. Meanwhile my other cousin on the same side of the family and his 22 year old girlfriend are expecting their second “unplanned” baby (the due date is less than 18 months after their first was born). These are people without jobs, without a high school education, that live with my grandma who also works full time, and have very little interest in being parents besides bragging about it on Facebook. The whole situation is just very sad to me.
Your boyfriend is an idiot. You yourself are — perhaps — an idiot.
I do sincerely hope you are ready to raise this child all alone and on your own. Why? Because your boyfriend clearly has ZERO qualms about running away from responsibility. None at all, it seems.
Oh, isn’t this all just a blessing though?
Oh, isn’t this all so romantic?
Oh, isn’t this all just gonna make me wanna barf?
You want my honest advice? Have an abortion. Seriously, just have an abortion. You are about as ready to be a mother as I am to conceive — then vaginally deliver a baby myself. And if that goes against your morals — which, hey, well, sorry, somehow I guessed those were pretty much out the fucking window already. [ And this isn’t SEX shaming. There is no shame in being a slut. Go be a fucking slut ALL you want, world! Just be FUCKING smart about it. Hell, smarts isn’t even required. Just be sensible. I mean, ANY FUCKING IDIOT CAN AVOID ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY. ANY. FUCKING. IDIOT. (Pun intended.) ] Oh, right… But we’ve established now that you’re something well beyond your standard run of the mill idiot. Your poor parents even went out of their way to teach you all about safe sex. To stress it as being oh, so important. And yet, you just what…? Were too FUCKING STUPID TO CARE, I guess. You know what, LW? Fuck you. Fuck you for so fucking your parents over. For so fucking your baby over… Seriously, go chew on that for a while. But, I digress… So, if you can’t have abortion for your own delusional selfish religious reasons — great. Then, I say, adoption.
I hate it when people say that unplanned pregnancies are a blessing. I think they just feel like they have to say. Like if they don’t they’re already a terrible parent. Call it like it is – this is a fucking disaster.
haha – you can only call it a blessing when the worst of it is over and the kid is old enough to know he was an accident :X
Indeed. I think this may be my last comment on any future “Hi-i-i-i-i-i! So, I’m a super-dopey bimbo and just — whoopsie! — got myself knocked up for no apparent reason… And it’s hard! So hard! Like Barbie once said Math was hard” letter — as yeah, my vitriol on this issue simply knows no bounds now. I. Just. Can’t. Take. It. Anymore…
Comment away! We need the vitriol whenever someone says or does something incredibly stupid.
i dont think every unplanned pregnancy is a disaster… kristen comes to mind. she didnt want to get pregnant when she did, it was unplanned, but her and her husband still wanted children and this just kind up changed their timeline.
in this LWs situation though, i totally agree with you.
yeah i would agree. it’s all about the situation. this situation, not ideal to bring a baby in to.
Ditto. Ours was unplanned although MAJOR difference because:
1. We are in a stable relationship
2. We are financially stable and able to support a child
3. We want children
4. We had discussed the prospect of an accidental pregnancy and knew we’d embrace it
5. We opted for the “riskier” natural family planning method instead of birth control because we were ok with an accidental pregnancy.
Yours may have been “unplanned”, but it wasn’t exactly an accident either. You knowingly waded into the water so speak with a clear head and a plan for the potential baby even. Sounds pretty responsible to me.
Yeah, we need a new word. Unplanned is maybe more precise than accidental. Unexpected is maybe even better. We thought we’d have trouble once we really started to try. Never imagined it would happen WITHOUT trying.
I like unexpected. I vote for that.
I like unexpected blessing! Jess–sorry again for your loss. Hope you two are doing ok.
This is a little of the old-fashionedness in me, but I feel like once you’re married, it’s never an “oh shit” moment. I know that isn’t quite as cut and dry as that, but in my family, pregnancy outside of marriage would always be (at least in part) a bit of a tragedy, whereas it would never be a tragedy in a marriage, no matter how unexpected (unless it truly was a tragedy).
I feel like once i’m married is the only time I will ever be able to have sex without that voice in my head being like — hope you don’t get pregnant and ruin your life!
I just got married. If I got pregnant, it would definitely be an “oh shit” moment, because we are not financially prepared for a baby right now, I will be taking the bar in slightly over nine months, we don’t particularly want children EVER at this point, and I would not take having an abortion lightly. So, yes, I would have an “oh shit!” moment, knowing that I don’t want a kid, am not ready to have a kid, and yet can’t have a kid – and probably can’t manage a pregnancy and accomplish my life goals (you know, school full time, working nearly full time, plus extracurricular activities, a new marriage …).
Being married is not mutually exclusive to not wanting kids right now (or ever). If you got married tomorrow, would you really not feel that “oh shit!” moment? Because, quite frankly, inasmuch as I take marriage and my relationship very seriously … it’s not like you wake up the day after the ceremony and are a new person. Far from it.
I don’t think those pregnancies *were* unplanned. Most people that end up “accidentally” getting pregnant and then calling it a “blessing” really wanted to be pregnant to start with.
Birth control is not hard to use. And while it does fail sometimes, if you really wanted to avoid a pregnancy, you should’ve been using your birth control properly in the first place- or using a different form of birth control. Ever notice how successful people tend to be able to avoid “accident babies”? When you take user failure rates into account on birth control failure rates, the percentage of birth control failures is incredibly low.
Agreed. I think this LW might fall into the “accidentally on purpose” group. Birth control is seriously very easy to use and nearly 100% fool proof. If you really can’t handle taking a pill every day, get an IUD.
Whoops, posited this upthread (but after your post) because I hadn’t read all the way down.
It seems an awful lot like someone is not too concerned about avoiding pregnancy. My money might be on the boyfriend though. He’s got 2 accidental babies. How stupid do you have to be to “accidentally” impregnate twice? The optimist in me thinks nobody is THAT stupid.
Especially because those tend to be later in life pregnancies. Most (if not all) of the only “successful people” accident babies I can think of happen when the rest of the kids are significantly over and …oops…. And I’m guessing that happens mainly because they honestly (and with good math behind them) did not think it was possible.
Thank you, I have been trying to find a way to get this out. Calling it a blessing sounds like a preprogrammed response to societal pressure. Children are not a blessing to someone who is not prepared for them. And they are not blessed to born to people who are unprepared for them. Not every pregnancy is good news and this is a prime example of that.
I’m actually really glad other people feel like this.
I am in no way a baby hater. Please don’t take my words and my stance to mean that. I’m just SO tired of people who get pregnant, and clearly are not ready for it (whether it be age wise, financially, etc.) and people are still just all doey-eyed and over the moon about it, calling it a blessing.
Yes, life is precious, and something to be celebrated. But I don’t think motherhood/fatherhood is for everyone, and just because you CAN have a baby, doesn’t always mean you SHOULD. But I’m getting off topic. I just wanted to say that these lines, “Children are not a blessing to someone who is not prepared for them. And they are not blessed to born to people who are unprepared for them.” are amazing. It’s the most logical and eloquent way I’ve ever heard someone rationalize it. I will probably be using it in the future when people keep asking me why I’m not having children.
My favorite BGM comment ever.
People ’round here must be nearly as sick of “whoops i’m pregnant” letters as I am. I actually was expecting some serious blowback on this one…
Go BGM!!! At your finest! Yes I agree with you. You just have a funnier way of saying it!
LW, you need to grow up. Start taking responsibility for your stuff now. Figure out things on your own. Once your parents see you starting to act like the adult you should be, maybe they will offer support when the time comes. The reason you are scared you are going to get ‘yelled at’ like an irresponsible teenager is because you are acting like one! Now you have another life you are responsible for.
I am not sure I agree that the LW should watch 16 and pregnant… age 16 and age 22 are widely different. On the other hand, maybe you should to see how your life parallels to theirs and maybe you will have a wake up call.
If you do get your stuff together, and keep the baby, check out your university’s counseling — you are also going to need cooperation from the school to actually finish the degree you are so close to getting. If they aren’t cooperative, you should take next semester off and start looking for a job, otherwise you will just be wasting months (and money) at school and still not graduate with your degree.
Hey LW, it’s going to be ok talking to your parents. It will probably be ugly, but they will still love you, and just keep in mind to be calm and take the brunt of what they’re saying. At least they know you’re having sex and want you to use protection! I know many parents who don’t think they’re college kids are doing it, and never advocate birth control for that reason. So when someone ends up pregnant, its a big surpise. So maybe there won’t be as much turmoil as they know there’s always a risk with sex..
Also, it seems like half of my friends here in college and high school are getting pregnant. It makes me paranoid about my birth control… If there was someway I could triple up, I would….
You can triple up though. BC, condoms, and then either spermicide or withdrawal way before he gets close. Or you can do all four things! Spermicide and withdrawal obviously aren’t great methods by themselves, but they add a lot of extra protection when you’re already using other reliable methods.
Everyone is talking about your choices – maybe you have made them already – maybe not. I think you should think about what choices you might make if you find yourself single though. Maybe your boyfriend is the type of guy that will stand by you come what may – though his track record is not exactly stellar. But what if he doesn’t? Would you still want to raise this baby – because that might be your realty. Can you only have this baby if there are two of you? Because that is a limitation you can’t afford to make. Even if you were married – that might be marginally added security – but you do not know what life holds and you need to think about all the possible outcomes. So my dear – plan for the worst. Feel free to expect the best but make sure your plan covers you single as well as it does coupled up.
If I were you I would say to your parents the following:
Mom, Dad, I am pregnant. I am scared. I think I have decided I want to keep the baby. You thoughts?
See what they say. I am not going to sit here and pretend that you are in the best circumstances to have a child; it doesn’t sound that way….but at the same time, I have been a relationship with my husband for nearly 9 years and I don’t feel ready to have a child. So it’s different for everyone.
What I will say is this: my brother is 22 and he and his 20 year old girlfriend just had a baby three months ago. Their lives are very hard for them. They make bad parenting decisions all the time and feel guilty about it. They are isolated from their peers.
Your life is about to get HARD. So you will need ALL your parents support. Please listen to their advice and approach them knowing that they may be disappointed and shocked at first.
wonderful!
If you are going to have a child, you can no longer be a child, so what your parents have to say is the least of your concerns. Pretend you are going to have to do this all on your own and see the reality of your options: will you be able to find housing? how will you pay for necessities? what insurance will you have to cover prenatal and birth costs? What will you do with your baby while you’re working? Take a cold, hard look at this picture because the responsibility for everything could end up being yours. Ask yourself honestly if you are willing to make the sacrifices needed to be 100% responsible for the child, if that’s the way it turns out. When you’re clear where you stand, what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it, talking to your parents about your situation and your intended choices, like an adult, will follow naturally.
Actually, I don’t get why everybody is so shocked that the LW is terrified of what her parents will now say… Duh! Her parents are currently her ONLY means of visible support… Her concern and terror at upsetting them is — frankly — her only sign of maturity. It’s also her only display of practicality.
You keep surprising me lately with your little logical turns on everything. Excellent point here. I would say it is her only display of practicality, but the problem with it is that it also displays her complete lack of responsibility.
As a victim of the wiles of ultra-conservative parents myself, I think I might have some insight that might actually help you rather than just trying to convince you to kill your baby. That’s just how I roll. First off, telling your parents is going to SUCK. No doubt about it. There is absolutely no way to make it not suck. It’s a sucky situation that you’re going to have to face head-on like a big girl because you made the big girl move of getting pregnant. So go get it over with already. Tell them you’re pregnant and be ready for a long conversation about your options. Give it a lot of thought before you talk to them so that you’ve already thought of responses to most if not all of the questions they will ask. “How will support a baby? Well, Mom and Dad, I’m graduating college right about the time I’ll give birth so I can go get a good job in order to support my growing family.” Write down notes and financial figures if you need to, just like you’re going to a business meeting to negotiate with some pretty unpleasant executives. Then, once you address the inevitable questions, tell them how you really feel about being a mother and remind them of how cool it would be to have a grandson/granddaughter. Even my parents are softies if it involves grandchildren.
I’m not sure what options you are considering, but if you decide to have an abortion, I would advise just having one and never telling them about it because if they’re anything like my parents they would never speak to you again. Definitely seek counseling afterwards of course, but from a professional…not your conservative parents.
Um Anna, I think everyone offered more insight than “kill your baby”. In fact there were far far more comments about adoption, or other options than abortion.
Maybe you disagree that people should suggest abortion to the LW…but, seriously, do you think its a good idea to throw around the phrase “kill your baby”?? Pretty sure this young, scared, pregnant girl doesn’t need to hear that kind of judgment.
It’s also really offensive to someone who has ever miscarried.
It’s also offensive to someone who has had an abortion. Anna, you said that you’re pro-choice somewhere above, but your choice of words has been very unkind to those of us who have experience with abortion. I didn’t kill my baby. I terminated a pregnancy and kept that fetus from growing into a baby who would have lived with a mother who was suicidal, on drugs (and had been on drugs during the pregnancy), had virtually no income, and had a slew of other problems that would have been horribly harmful to it. Just because it isn’t the right choice for you doesn’t mean it isn’t a great choice for other people.
People are only suggesting considering abortion AND adoption because she is not in a good spot to have a baby. Not everyone said go kill your baby, they just said she should seriously consider whether or not she’s ready.
Yeah, she’s getting ready to graduate school but that doesn’t give her a good job with health care. What will she do if she graduates and can’t get a job with health care? How will she provide her child with the care it needs? She needs to not just counter with I’m graduating I’ll get a job but, I’ve thought about happens when I graduate and in this economy don’t get the job I am hoping for or expecting.
And honestly she does need to seriously think about other options before talking to them. Are she and her bf (who from Wendy’s response suggests is a new bf) going to stay together? Is she ready to be a single mother. Is she hoping the parents help with day care? Has she researched prices for day care? Like others have suggested telling her parents should come long after she’s sure she knows what she’s going to do and has researched everything. Having a baby is hard work.
Anna I find your comment problematic for a few reasons. First I think you’re misunderstanding what is at the heart of the pro-life/pro-choice debate – that is when does a life begin. Certainly there are very few people that would say it’s okay to kill your baby. That would be murder. I can sleep at night being pro-choice because I don’t believe that abortions prior to 12 weeks are killing a baby. I don’t believe it has a heart and a soul and I don’t believe it’s a person.
Second, I know you were just going for shock value by saying “killing your baby” but I think it’s a little offensive to the many women even on this thread that have admitted to having an abortion. Surely they don’t consider the medical procedure to be one that killed their baby. Even worse – they might actually feel that way because of all the laws in the U.S. and all the loopholes they probably had to go to to have the procedure. They were most likely shown images, given pamphlets, and told what a terrible person they are by protesters. They might have had to attend years to therapy to find peace with their decision. Hell they might even regret their decision.
But I think most importantly it would be nice to recognize that it is nevertheless a very difficult decision. I am prochoice but I don’t know that I could do it. I am happily married, somewhat financially stable, and somewhat emotionally stable (haha), and I would still be faced with a very hard decision if I were to get accidentally pregnant (which is highly unlikely given my form of BC). It is always a personal and tough decision, but I think it’s very healthy to come to an educated decision and for women to feel comfortable discussing their options. You’re making the assumption that because this LW has conservative parents she is automatically prolife, which may or may not be the case. Knowledge is power, and the more informed a decision she can make the better.
I am more comfortable encouraging adoption, because I think it is a wonderful solution in cases like this. A family that has difficult time conceiving gets a baby they already love more than life itself, and the woman gets to give the gift of life to a couple that is more ready to be a parent than she is and who can offer her child a better life than she can. To me, it is the ultimate selfless act a woman in the LW’s position could do for her child. But that’s just my opinion.
I like to encourage adoption too. I wish the system made it easier to adopt children who need a home. I wasn’t going for shock value at all; just calling a spade a spade. I’m sorry I didn’t sugar coat it and call it a “medical procedure to remove an annoying little ball of cells that happens to be very much alive prior to the procedure.” You can’t argue with the scientific fact that the fetus is alive, therefore its termination is the ending of a life. I can definitely say that if I got pregnant due to consentual sex I would raise the love the child no matter what sacrifices I had to make in my own life. You don’t have to be rich or a genius to be a good mother. My best friend has 3 kids and had her first one right out of high school. She never went to college but has always worked and given everything to her kids. Her oldest is now 11 and those are the smartest and most well-behaved kids I’ve met in my life. I think it just proves that you don’t even need a college degree, a terrific career or a huge bank account to raise a child right. What you do need is a lot of love and determination.
No one said you had to have a certain level of education or income to be a good parent. I don’t think that has anything to do with this conversation at all. Like you said you need determination…and enough know-how to get the bills paid. Does the LW have this? Maybe. But if she doesn’t…or if she is unsure about that, then she should seriously consider other options.
And as IWTTS said…most people who are pro-choice (at least those that I know) don’t think that abortion is “killing a baby”, so yes, it seems as if you used that phrase only to be crass and judgmental.
There are so many problems with your reasoning, here. Basically, you are saying, “abortion is murder, but it’s okay if you choose to murder – but I can’t imagine making that choice.” It’s very hard to follow that line of reasoning anywhere logical. If abortion is killing a baby, abortion is murder, murder is immoral, and abortion is immoral. And people have a choice to be immoral, but they should also be judged for that immorality, right?
Or is it that abortion is immoral but people shouldn’t be judged for that? That would be living outside of the reality of our society. And it would be living outside of the reality of ANY society.
Or is it that abortion is killing a baby (i.e., murder, since it is done with intent and all of that) but not immoral? And if it isn’t immoral, why is murdering another adult human being, or viable fetus immoral but this is?
I would say that calling a man kills another man in cold blood a murderer is “calling a spade a spade.” I find it absolutely reprehensible that you would say having an abortion is killing a baby and that is “calling a spade a spade,” given the analogy that is it is MURDER to knowingly kill another human.
yea, “abortion is murder but if you want to choose murder you should have that choice” is the most passive aggresive pro-life stance disgused as a pro-choice stance ever.
But you aren’t calling a spade a spade because a baby and a fetus are not the same thing. And, not to be crass (ok, just a little), but all collections of cells are alive, so if your distinction for what is murder is based on cells being alive first, than call me Pol Pot because I exfoliated this morning.
yeah i agree with the other commenters. what people are asking this LW to do is ask herself if she is willing to do what it takes to be a good mother. not everyone can be like your friend, and not every story about a baby born right out of high school or college ends up like your friend. a lot of people spend a lot of years struggling, is the LW really prepared to do that? that is what she has to really ask herself and be prepared for.
and personally i don’t think you can pretend to be pro-choice and then tell someone you don’t think that they have to kill their baby. at the end of the day, having an abortion is the best decision for many people in this situation. and they don’t need to be reminded by someone that what they are doing is killing their baby.
and while you don’t have to be rich or a genius to have a child, i can tell you that having the funds to care for a child make life much easier. what will the LW do if she can’t find a job with health care? what will she do when the baby gets sick? is she prepared for that potential reality? if you don’t think those things through before deciding to keep your child you’re doing the child a big disservice.
As I have stated before, both my daughter and son had children out of wedlock. I am raising my daughter’s child and the other grandmom is raising my son’s child. Awesome. Please think this through. Talk to your parents & listen to them this time. Being a single mom is difficult and never ending – it is a 24/7 proposition. You know, unless grandmom raisies the child. Sorry if I sound bitter – this just hits really close to home. A few weeks ago my grand child asked me, “Does Mommy even want me”? Please LW think this through.
Aw, that’s sad Xander. I’m glad you are there for your grandkid.
I’m not sure if I’m PMS-ing or what, but that made me teary eyed.
Not raising a grandchild, but my stepdaughter says stuff like this to me a lot… and she’s 17! So I want to express my sympathy and understanding to you.
Uff.
Disclaimer: I am in my mid-30s and recently miscarried at about 12 weeks (as many of you already know).
With that said, I want to echo Wendy’s comment about seeking medical support. Although a pregnancy has much higher chances for a person in their early 20s, the sad fact is that many still do not make it past the first trimester. I’d recommend getting some check-ups, bloodwork, and ultrasounds done and wait it out until 12 week or so, before planning and telling the parents. And maybe you have. My math is not that great but I based on your due date, I’d say this is a very recent discovery.
I wish I had more to offer about how to handle your situation but I will leave that to Wendy who already did a good job (and knows your background) and all the others who have similar tales to tell.
The only other comment I have is that, mother nature is such a bitch. It’s so easy to get pregnant at a point in your life when you are really NOT prepared, stable, ready, etc to be a mom. And then, when you have checked off all the boxes in your life: education, career, dating some losers, learning about yourself, getting your finances together, and finally finding a deeply compatible partner –well then it’s much harder to get pregnant and stay pregnant.
As a society, we can decide that people in their 30s often make the most suitable parents but Mother Nature still has the last laugh.
*hugs* How are you holding up Jess?
Thinking of you Jess, I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone in your situation to hear about “unplanned” pregnancies. Mother Nature is a bitch.
Sending a big hug your way.
I’m with JK. Hugs sent from me as well!
Thanks all of you! I am mostly better although we had our follow up OB appointment yesterday and it was way harder than I thought. Seeing pregnant women, remembering the happiness of our previous visits, leaving without any follow up appointment, etc.
I will be starting with a therapist this week. Thrilled to have someone to help me through this phase and especially help me to cope with anxiety when we try again. We are still deciding about that. I’m hoping we get a 2013 baby one way or another. I’ll definitely let you guys know!
I´m glad you´re going to start therapy, Jess. I´m sure it will help you. Í have you in my thoughts, and know you count on all of us!
Sorry to hear about this, Jess. A good friend of mine went through this (fairly recently) (same age as you, same situation) and it was hell. She said the ONLY thing that got her through it at times was the knowledge that when this sort of thing happens, there is something drastically wrong with both the pregnancy and the child…
Good news, though, Jess. My friend is now well into her eighth month! So keep your chin up..
Thank you both! Your kindness really means a lot to me. And I always love to hear success stories Mark 🙂
In the guise of success stories… I know 2 women (one was my boss who had to inform me of her pregnancy early because of work issues; and one was an old, dear friend) who miscarried in their 30s and went on to have multiple children. I think it may have been “easier” for them emotionally because they already had a successful pregnancy under their belt, so there wasn’t that “can I?” kind of worry, but it worked out in the end. One actually got pregnant 3 months later when she wasn’t even supposed to be trying yet because her body “wasn’t ready” according to the doctors – fat and happy baby boy!
Another friend’s older sister was on every IVF treatment and went years with no success, all the while my friend is having kids #2 and 3, which caused some bitterness and resentment in the family. How did it turn out? Happy and Healthy TWINS.
Mother nature is a bitch, but she works in mysterious ways for a reason, and I think we all lose sight sometimes of the fact that miscarriages are really normal and happen more frequently than people think (and definitely did back in the day when you had to wait for a rabbit to die to confirm pregnancy). One bad side-effect to the tests where you can tell you are pregnant at the 6th second of conception is that the first few weeks/months you body really is trying it out and it often doesn’t work… it’s just you never knew before and thought your period was heavy.
Sorry for the rambling, I have every hope it will work out for you!
My best friend miscarried recently. She waited a cycle to try again and got pregnant right away. She’s now in her 5th month. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you have the same good luck!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. While she was not as far along as you, my sister miscarried and it was very hard on her. She was very nervous starting to try again but she’s now the mother of a three month old baby boy.
Great comment Jess. So heartfelt.
By my calculations she couldn’t be more then 8 weeks pregnant. And that would be if she was due on like April 1. LW you should defintely listen to Jess’s advice about timing.
AWESOME!!!! WENDY LAYING THE SMACK DOWN!!!!
I think there is surprising amount of delusional magical thinking going on in this thread among those trying to be positive. Her college is really just going to say, hell, yes! We’re here to help! Then do all they can so she can graduate early? Um, sure, whatever on that. Once all that pie in the sky has been landed, she’s next going to race out and miraculously land some fabulously high paying job all the while she is eight to nine months pregnant? Sure, why not? Oh, I so see THAT happening. Seriously, what company in its right mind is REALLY going to say: “Okay, welcome aboard. Come in on monday, so you can start your maternity leave tuesday…”?
WTF?!
I think the part in your earlier comment (and other’s comments) about the burden being on the parents –was the most accurate. That is how it often plays out and that is why they ARE so likely to be angry. Because they know how it will burden them and they also know they are not going to shut out their innocent grandchild. That’s the biggest pity of it, in my mind.
yeah, she shouldn’t be hitching her wagon on getting an awesome job (baby or no baby!).
I’m only suggesting this if shes going to continue the pregnancy with the intent to put the baby up for adoption. If she didn’t continue, then this wouldn’t be an issue
So true Mark!!! Especially with the global economy being so awesome right now. I´m sure any employer would just love to hire a recent grad thats pregnant or has a newborn.
Totally agree. The college is under no obligation to be flexible and really getting a fabulous job right out of college? Ha. You’re lucky to get a job that pays minimum wage right out of college these days.
Ugh, so true. I can’t find anything, even a job handing fries out of a drive through window. LW can’t rely on luck to get something better than all the other recent college grads.
you are right that employers are going to be hesitant if she is very pregnant. But if her boyfriend and her are in it to win it, there are some things she can do. I think we are trying to show her options in this mess going forward since she can’t go back in time to stop this.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that a LW with conservative parents will not have an abortion. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and guess that a LW who already plans to move in with her BF over a baby (seriously?) and whose biggest concern is how to tell her folks isn’t going to put it up for adoption, either. What this LW wants is a way to convince her parents that her having a baby is OK and for them to continue to support her (and now her BF, I’d bet, and their baby) financially. My advice to the LW is to grow up. Now. She is 22, not 16, and in her last year of college, so supporting a baby on her own isn’t impossible, if she is willing to be mature enough to do it. She needs to figure out how to get through college and get a job, have a plan for how she is going to support this baby in the future and be able to clearly articulate to her parents how this baby isn’t going to ruin her life and stunt her future. And, if she can do that, then her parents will come around. Honestly, they’ll come around for the baby, anyway. But if she wants to retain their respect and support, she needs to step up and deal with the adult situation she made by herself and as an independent woman.
Through all of the comments that were made above, I didn’t see any of them that have “lived” this particular scenario. If there were, I’m sorry that I missed them. So, LW, here is my input and advice from someone who has “lived” this scenario…
I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I had her when I was 19 and she will be 7 at the end of the month. When I was pregnant with her, I was in the military, so the medical aspect was taken care of, though nothing else was. I was scared and alone. My mother disowned me and we didn’t talk until after my daughter was born. I drove to the hospital in labor, had 20 hours of labor and it resulted in an emergency c-section. ALONE.
I put emphasis on the word alone because that is very much something you may face because of what your letter said. Another thing to point out, your boyfriend has another child, but he is really just a sperm donor, as Wendy put it. My situation – my daughter’s father was a sperm donor. We were together for about a year before he split – I was very heavily pregnant at the time.
My question to you is this: are you prepared to do everything, and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING on your own? Finding a place to live, taking care of you child, finding child care, making enough money to put food on the table, diapers, formula (if you have to), baby food (if you choose to buy and not make), being able to pay your bills, and college with all of this and then some? I’m not saying it’s not possible, but for most people, it’s very unrealistic (the college portion).
LW, you’re 22. You will graduate in May. Do you know how absolutely hard it is to take on college while pregnant? I’ve been there too and I was pregnant with my son and college – was in college while my daughter was 2-6 y/o. I was also working full time. To put it simply and bluntly, IT’S HARD (and hard isn’t even a good enough word) and sometimes being “driven” just isn’t enough.
I urge you to rethink your plans to raise this child with a boyfriend that may or may not stay. Be prepared to take all of the finances and stress of raising this child on your own – my ex did not pay child support and only started 6 months ago (remember, my daughter is almost 7…) – and very possibly not being able to finish your degree, get a decent job to pay for bills (just an FYI, the government doesn’t pay as much as you think it does and the economy is rough) or do what you really want to do. If you have this child, you can no longer be selfish and think about what you want or do what you want to do or go where you want to go without thinking of this child first. If your boyfriend stays, there really isn’t anything keeping him from leaving and shirking his responsibilities with this one as he may have done with the first one.
Think of what is best for your potential child in this and think of what is best for you.
I really hope the LW reads your comment. Very excellent advice. It sounds like your daughter is very lucky to have you as a Mother.
Thanks, jlyfsh! I appreciate it!
thank you for sharing. this articulates exactly what the LW will face.
Thank you too, cporoski! I also hope the LW read everything Sarah has put down in the post below. Especially the part about the health insurance and the job. Sarah’s mom is not the norm, but I so commend her for 2 kids, one on the way and getting her degree!
Sarah – excellent 2nd to last paragraph!
Thank you! I’m super proud of my mom for what she did for us and I know your daughter has the same pride for you.
Aww, thanks! I’m sure she would beg to differ – school just started for her and I’ve been “mean” you know, making her get up at a certain time and all of that and homework… ugh…
My mom was in the same boat minus the 3rd pregnancy. She went back to school to get her BS and subsequently a Master’s while my brother and I were in high school. She didn’t make it to many of our functions and I was so angry at her sometimes, but it’s only after being a mom myself now that I realize that she really did try and was only trying to make our lives better.
Another thing I completely forgot to mention the first time around…
After all is said and done and you’ve decided to keep this baby, how do you think you’re going to feel? Sure, it’s very easy to say that “I’m ecstatic! I love this baby so much!” but what if?
What if your boyfriend doesn’t stick around and leaves you with the entire responsibility of raising this child alone? What if you have no support group in any fashion? LW, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the same friends you have now, may not be the same friends you have then. My whole world changed after I had my daughter and it became “If she can’t go, I don’t”. I’ve lost a few friends, but am fortunate to have kept the important ones and they are the ones I’ve known for 20 years. They happen to be my biggest support group now and they were then.
What if you start to feel resentment towards this child, a week, a month, a couple of years down the line because boyfriend didn’t stay? The harsh reality is that, even though this child may be your flesh and blood, feelings do arise. This child could have a feature or a quirk that reminds you so much of your boyfriend that you can’t stand it. I have felt that resentment towards my daughter, not so much when she was a baby, but as she got older because of a quirk she has that reminds me of her sperm donor. I’ve had to repeatedly remind myself that she did not ask to be here, and neither did your potential child. Resentment does develop and it’s up to you and ONLY YOU to keep yourself in check so you don’t take it out on the child.
Babies and children need so much love that it can make you feel so emotionally drained at the end of all of it and you don’t know where it all comes from. Babies grow into children and though it may seem like so much fun, it is work to raise them right.
If you do choose to keep this baby, I wish you the best of luck and I do hope you grow up a lot and realize that all this baby has is you.
Not to mention what if the baby isn´t perfectly healthy. SO many things can happen.
Ah, I forgot that. I was lucky enough that my daughter didn’t have any terrible health issues. My son is a different story. He had torticollis (really tight muscles in his neck) that pulled him one way and had to be fitted for a helmet and not to mention all of the physical therapy. But only another 3 more weeks and the stinky helmet goes away! Wooo!
Yay!!!! Ipm so glad for your son (and you). 🙂
I work(ed) with kids with different degrees of birth defects and handicaps, so I´m all too aware of everything that can go wrong, hence my comment.
Thank you! I know he’ll be excited… stinky helmet and oddly hot San Diego summer = not as happy baby. I can finally have my other cuddle buddy back! BTW, I enjoy your responses. It’s always great to read the flip side of things. 😀
Its hard being on west coast time sometimes because Wendy and everybody have already given such good advice and I’m just like “Derpy derp derp, late to the party, what they said!”
Even so, I’ll plow on. So first of all, I don’t have the back story that Wendy has, but if the big concern you’re asking Wendy about is “How to I tell my parents I’m preggos” and not “HOLY SH*T I’M PREGNANT HOW DO I PLAN THIS”, then I don’t think you’re in the right mindset yet.
I’m not going to tell you it would be a mistake to keep the baby. I’m also not going to tell you it would be a mistake to get an abortion/pursue adoption. That is the biggest choice someone can make, and no one can/should make it for you. But if you decide to keep this baby, you must, MUST be ready to devote your entire life/future to this kid.
If you were financially secure on your own, or your boyfriend had made more of a commitment to you than just shacking up, or if you had a support system that would help you while you pursue a career that would make you financially secure in the future, I wouldn’t tell you that you would have to devote everything to this kid. But you don’t have any of these things. So what’s going to have to happen instead is that you will have to take jobs that you don’t particularly want to take for not great money. You are VERY lucky to have gotten pregnant so close to your graduation, but that in no way makes a career for you. Talk to all the people working at Starbucks with MAs. And a lot of them don’t have kids.
If you are very lucky, your parents will let you use their health insurance. But if not, who’s will you use? The school you most likely be finished with when the baby comes out? The boyfriend that hasn’t proposed to you even though his insurance could help your baby? More than likely, it will have to be the insurance of whatever job you can get. You HAVE to be constantly devoted to your baby, and making money for your baby. This is why people wait to have babies. They want to be able to fulfill their own goals and include the baby in them.
But, I know many women that did it the hard way and came out fine. My own mother had 2 kids before she graduated college and was 8 months pregnant with her third on her graduation day. She also had a partner who had a full time job (you don’t necessarily have to have a partner if you’re strong enough, but it helps). And she also took a job that wasn’t her dream job to keep us financially stable. And the choice to have kids early before they knew themselves or what they wanted resulted in my parent’s very nasty divorce. But she did it. She doesn’t regret it, but she was also ready for the sacrifices and the work. I’m worried you aren’t yet.
Most importantly, PLEASE do not depend on this boyfriend to fix things. You are moving in together. Super. …what exactly is that more than a temporary roof? Its not security. Its not money for your baby. Its not a guarantee that he will stick it out through the hard times. Its a roof. If you’re not ready to marry this man or he’s not ready to marry you, focus on making your own money and getting your own place. Otherwise you might very well likely be the second story your boyfriend tells the next girl about the two kids he has that he would totally want to support you know, but he can’t cause of stuff. Right before he tells her that he doesn’t like the way condoms feel.
And I’m sorry, but Bullsh*t. He can’t raise his child because some harlot woman was already engaged and didn’t tell him and the husband has cast out your boyfriend and he was left unable to do anything about it and now lives in agony that he can’t see his kid? That’s a heartwarming tale. Shakespearean even. But its bullsh*t. Fathers have rights you know. There’s only two reasons he wouldn’t have visitation rights with his kid. Either because he is a danger to the child or the woman, or because he doesn’t want visitation rights and gave them up. Either way, he’s a CATCH.
This went on waaaay too far but to sum up: Get a job. Make your own money. Get insurance. Be prepared to give up almost everything for that baby. Then you’ll be ready.
This is awesome Sarah. Well worth the wait.
And I think you should totally start wking up a few hours earlier, I mean DW is worth it!!! 🙂
WSS.
“Otherwise you might very well likely be the second story your boyfriend tells the next girl about the two kids he has that he would totally want to support you know, but he can’t cause of stuff. Right before he tells her that he doesn’t like the way condoms feel.”
THIS IS IT!!! I’m standing up and clapping right now at my desk… good thing people at work already think I am a little mental.
“…you might very well likely be the second story your boyfriend tells the next girl about the two kids he has that he would totally want to support you know, but he can’t cause of stuff. Right before he tells her that he doesn’t like the way condoms feel.
And I’m sorry, but Bullsh*t. He can’t raise his child because some harlot woman was already engaged and didn’t tell him and the husband has cast out your boyfriend and he was left unable to do anything about it and now lives in agony that he can’t see his kid? That’s a heartwarming tale. Shakespearean even. But its bullsh*t. Fathers have rights you know. There’s only two reasons he wouldn’t have visitation rights with his kid. Either because he is a danger to the child or the woman, or because he doesn’t want visitation rights and gave them up. Either way, he’s a CATCH. ”
OMG THIS! ALL OF THIS! exactamundo
Also Sarah I feel you on the west coast thing. I commented the shit out of this thread due to insomnia this morning, but otherwise all the best threads are always played out by the time I’m rubbing the crust out of my eyes.
“Otherwise you might very well likely be the second story your boyfriend tells the next girl about the two kids he has that he would totally want to support you know, but he can’t cause of stuff. Right before he tells her that he doesn’t like the way condoms feel.”
This x1000.
Wendy, I loved your answer. If a LW has to write to you a dozen times in the past few years, there is a probably a variety of issues going on in their life, none of which probably equate to the stable, mature environment a child needs when being brought into this world.
LW, I will echo everyone else when I say you need to think long and hard about the future you are going to provide for this child, before you even waste a second worrying about what to tell your parents. At the end of the day, you are an adult. You had sex, you got pregnant, so this is your situation to deal with. Based on what you said, I’d count out their support. Based on your description of the baby’s father, I’d seriously consider what role if any he will play in the future. So, basically I would plan a future where it is you being solely responsible for this child, financially, emotionally, etc as a worst case scenario. Would you be able to truly handle this? If not, as Wendy said, please consider your options.
WWS. LW, I’m really concerned about you, LEAST of all because … YOU AREN’T ON TRACK TO GRADUATE. You are on track to be freaking crowning at graduation. Do you know how hard it is to actually graduate while super pregnant? What if you go early?
I’d say it’s a safe bet that the LW won’t graduate in May, since she says the baby is due in late April/early May. She’ll probably have to take the Spring semester off, and, depending on when she delivers, she may not be able to make it up in the summer. I’d definitely advise her to take as many classes this fall as she can. But that may be difficult if she’s moving two hours away from her college to live with the BF. (Seriously, LW, if you rethink anything, please rethink this. The last thing you need on top of a pregnancy and angry parents is to storm out of their house, move in with your BF and then be stuck when that relationship starts to crack under the pressure of living together, financial difficulty and impending parenthood that neither of you are ready for.) If the LW is serious about graduating, she needs to be exploring her options now and get committed to making the sacrifices to do it. Otherwise, she’s going to toss 3 years of college down the drain. Ugh.
Pregnant Daughter’s opening concern is how her conservative parents are going react. If the pregnancy is medically confirmed and she decides to keep it to term her conservative parents are going to hit the ceiling. Expect a lot of yelling and “I told you so”. At the same time they’re unlikely to kick her out. The lure of being grandparents (after they vent) will override their anger.
Some preparation will make the process easier.
1. Get conformation
2. Make sure the BF is committed to being a daddy.
3. Have a plan for supporting the baby.
4. Line a place to stay before telling your folks.
5. Be as patient as you can with them and allow them to rage. It’s not about you but their feeling that they failed somehow.
Great and practical and true comment! My sister got pregnant at 20 and this is mostly how it went.
The “lure of being grandparents” isn’t always enough, though. This happened to my aunt and uncle. My cousin got pregnant, the guy’s not around. They are two older people (65+) raising an infant. They had plans for their retirement and now they are effectively housebound providing free child care. There is anger and resentment. LW should make sure her parents know she is making plans to support the child (if she keeps it) and doesn’t plan to dump it on them. That will help get them through it.
And when my parents came home from visiting them and seeing how their life is now, they thanked me, THANKED ME, for not doing that to them and ruining their lives.
Making sure to let them know that she won’t be dumping the baby on them is a really good point Kate. I’m sorry your folks weren’t eager to look after your sisters little one. She nor we can predict how they’ll react but being childless and 70, I’d love to have a grandchild.
To play devil’s advocate for a moment here – how does the LW know for sure the mother of her boyfriend’s child even told her then fiancee she had an affair? Its very possible that the now husband has no idea its not even his child.
Then why tell the LW’s boyfriend? If she could pass the baby off as her fiance’s, why even tell your one night stand?
I actually was thinking this, as well– these people all sound like winners, so you know, it seems possible there was just a moment where the “fling” was like “Oh fuck, I’m pregnant! What to do! I know, I’ll tell my fiancè it’s his!” Maybe that’s what the LW means by “… she and her now-husband have chosen to raise his son as their own.” ?
Honestly though, if she’s having sex with both of them how would she even know who the father was without getting a paternity test done? If she knows for sure that the LW’s bf is the father then they probably had to intentionally figure it out.
unless the races were clearly different.
Oh good point!
I’m pretty sure General Hospital and every soap I have ever watched had this as a plot point. It’s fascinating in Port Charles… it’s a sad, depressing episode of Maury in real life.
I really like your last sentence. I think we should make t-shirts or something that say that.
Maybe its someone he knew in the same town and put 2 and 2 together, perhaps she told a mutual friend and it got back to him. Further more she said fling, not one night stand, so maybe the woman told him and then backtracked when she realized it would likely ruin her relationship with her fiancee.
I’m not saying its what happened, but its a possibility. Another possibility is that they are trying to spare their families from embarrassment of the situation – not in the child’s best interest under most circumstances, but the LW is putting heavy blame on the mother when there could be a variety of reasons.
Just looking at the other side of the situation.
I propose chastity belts for both men and women only to be taken off after they’ve passed a series of tests to prove that they are actually smart enough to have sex in the first place.
I’m still holding out for a law that requires a license to breed.
I want to have IUDs implanted in teenage girls- and you have to pay a LOT of money to have them removed.
I honestly thought to myself “why don’t all 16 year old get IUDs” as a way to significantly cut down on teen pregancy. And then I got one. It is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and I was not a virgin. I can’t even imagine ….
I think Dr’s will not implant IUDs in virgins, for (in my mind) very good reason.
(Sorry if you were only joking about IUDs altogether. I actually thought about it. And I think all teen moms should have one put it “during/right after” labor, when the above problem is not an issue.)
I have one too and that thing was bitch. But the awesome thing is that it is the most reliable form of birth control (besides getting your tubes tied), there’s no chance of user error, it lasts 5 years, and no periods! So yeah the pain was the worst I have ever experienced (worse than the many surgeries I’ve had) but so, so worth it.
I have one too – first three periods after getting it were painful, then everything went back to normal.
I wish I’d done it years ago!
I agree – I’m already planning on getting a new one as soon as this one expires. Of course requesting vicodin before the procedure this time. Holy moly.
When I got mine put in, I was crying from the pain (I usually have an extremely high tolerance for pain) and the girl who helped me said “would you like a Motrin?”
A Motrin? A MOTRIN? I needed a freakin’ horse tranquilizer!! Luckily, I was able to keep it together and politely say “no, thank you”
I have one, and I didn’t think it was that bad at all! It hurt for like 30 seconds, and that was it! Did you get yours put in when you had your period? They recommend doing so, because your cervix is softer or something.
IT hurt for like 5 mins when they put it in, but then I had “cramping” for two days. Cramping is a BS word by the way. I’ve had cramps, and those, sir, are not cramps. There just isn’t any word for the type of pain that it is, so they use words like “pressure” or “Cramping” instead of “can’t get out of bed today because my uterus might fall out”
Oh, I’d recommend it to any and everyone who is sexually active! but just not virginsIt is totally worth it!
Is it really that bad? I’ve been planning on getting an IUD (expensive as hell though, so I want to wait until February when my insurance will be required to cover it) but this scares me!
Since it gets inserted into your uterus through your cervix… The pain has less to do with being a virgin as it does with having kids previously. If you have previously gone through (vaginal) childbirth, your cervix is more prepared to handled having something come through it (I mean, you pushed a baby out of there, a little 2in piece of plastic is nothing).
When I had my IUD put it, since I have never given birth, they had to give me the same medicine they will give to pregnant women to induce labor by dilating the cervix.
With that said, I suppose it might be true that virgins could be doubly uncomfortable because it also involves having a speculum inserted similar to a pap smear.
Additionally, doctors can sometimes be reluctant to insert an IUD into a younger person (say, a virgin, or someone who has never been pregnant/given birth) because it can actually make you more susceptible to STDs and can make consequences of STDs more severe. Someone who is younger, more inexperienced might not be as likely to make safe sex decisions when they know “oh, I can’t get pregnant because of an IUD”, thus leading to more consequences down the road. I definitely don’t think this attitude is necessarily the most moral route, I think doctors should talk through all these decisions with a patient who expresses interest, but this is one of the reasons a doctor might not offer it or be as willing to go through with such a procedure on a patient. I think, thankfully, this attitude is changing though as IUDs become more prevalent.
The most annoying thing for me, as a sexually active adult in a committed relationship, having researched my contraceptive options carefully, trying to be responsible and thinking ‘yeah, an IUD sounds, overall, like a really good option, long lasting, really effective, no/localised hormones depending on the type’… being totally shot down by the nurse at my check up.
Imagine the scene: *Shocked Face* “We would NEVER give one to someone so young, who has never had children, no you must stay on the pill and deal with the side effects!!” (Luckily they aren’t bad now, but on the mini-pill due to migraines) She went on to suggest other options that I had ruled out already from my own thorough research, which all sound crap to me. Totally useful, thanks nurse. Think I may see someone else next time.
What an idiot nurse! The only thing that would make an IUD not desirable is that it does not protect against STD’s. But if you are in a committed and truly monogamous relationship, this should not be an issue.
See my comment above!
And then go see someone else! You are 100% entitled to the birth control method that you want.
Additionally, as I mentioned, I had to have special medicine to dilate my cervix. My family practice doctor, who I visit for all my routine gynecological “stuff” (for lack of a better term) had to refer me to someone else. Granted, she did so in a calm, non-judgmental manner, and backed off offering me other options when I made clear I had done my research… but in the end, she basically said “I personally can’t do them on people so young” (I was around 20 or 21 at the time, and also in a committed relationship). Your nurse sounds a little misinformed and judgmental, but it might also have to do with not having the skill/expertise/resources to do so.
yea, that nurse is not up to speed on things.
IUDs are a normal, acceptable form of birth control for any woman nowadays. the idea that no single young woman should have one is a very old idea that has been thrown out by the majority of society already.
you should have given her some research about it and told her to go attend a conference to further her education, because she clearly isnt up to speed.
I had the exact same experiance when I inquired about getting one. “You’re too young and you haven’t had children yet.” This was maybe 3 years ago when I was about 24. I would look into it again but now I’m close to trying to conceive so it doesn’t make sense.
I actually proposed a bill like that in my high schools mock congress. It of course got shot down because it’s a logicistal nightmare, but I’m right there with you
My college roommate found out she was pregnant two years after graduated. She was 23, good education, good job, thought the guy she’d slept with would maybe step up to the plate, and chose to keep the child.
A few years later, he is a deadbeat dad, she is relying on food stamps to feed her (beautiful) daughter, she is unemployed and has moved back home with my parents in an unstable housing situation.
She wakes up every morning and it is a fight to provide for her daughter and herself. It’s certainly not where she thought she’d be just a few years ago – and while she loves her daughter more than anything in the world, it is a real struggle, each and every day.
to the LW – before you make a decision, talk to people who have been through it. Talk to people who parent on their own, or lost their job while they were pregnant, or thought the guy would be there and he wasn’t. It’s a tough road. You can do it, but it will not be easy, and you should go into this with as much information as possible.
Wow thanks for the wake up call about a college education not being enough, even decent jobs come and go in this day and age. Providing for a child is a scary scary reality that few people are aware of until it becomes an issue.
LW – I’ve been in your shoes though I was only 19. 19 and pregnant. I am one of the lucky ones. I am now married, finished college (bachelor degree) married a great man (not the bio dad of my first daughter) and my daughter is now 17. To say my parents were disappointed is an understatement – and they are not religious or super conservative. But I am where I am now because of the support of family. It was (is) not easy – I had a really hard time for a long, long time. School (think homework and projects), work(I had to work – think daycare and more stress), marriage (hard enough in the beginning getting used to living with someone else without children involved), and being a mother(which always comes first – think big school presentation but all of a sudden your child is super sick and there is no one else to take care of your child – actually happen to me) all this at once is not a walk in the park. You have to be committed 120% all of the time.
I would say listen to what Wendy says but it doesn’t seem like you do that so listen to those of us commentators who have lived it and know exactly what you are going through. We want to help you and the best thing you can do for this child and yourself is probably an abortion or give the child up for adoption. If you don’t, make sure you have the support of your parents – you will need it. And if they won’t support you and help you – the longer your road (and that of your child) will be. And then, STAY ON BIRTH CONTROL.
THANKS to Obamacare, BC is like 10 bucks a month with or without health insurance. Also, The morning after pill is about 30 bucks in EVERY grocery store / pharmacy nationwide. I’ve had a few “close calls” and went right away to get that. It’s called being responsible. Wendy is right, if her biggest worry is “sinde comments from her family” she is not ready to be a mom. Since the dad sounds like a real winner too, this is not looking like its going to turn out well.
I don’t know where you live, by when I needed Plan B, I had to go to THREE pharmacies before I found someone who carried it. Never mind my state does not have a conscience clause, never mind I live in a very liberal city in a blue state. I was told they “Oh, we don’t carry it here…” twice before I could someone who carried it.
While this was a couple of years ago, I’ve still not noticed plan B in any grocery stores. I think you still have to ask for it at pharmacies.
Bartells at Uptown had it the one time I needed it! I think Rite Aid did too–but the one in Cap Hill is where I checked.
We eventually found some at a Walgreens in Greenwood, but at the one closest to the U district, they didn’t have any. Of all places, they should have it there.
Seattle! That’s where I went to grad school! What a great city, except for all the rain!
I´ve been to Seattle twice now, and it never rained! Obviously, that must mean that everybody´s lying about Seattle being rainy. You just do´t want people to move there!
Also, good to know where to get it, if I´d ever need it in Seattle (aka the place where I get infinetely more guys because of my hot german accent ^^)
It never rains from July – end of Sept. So if you visited during the summer, you just didn’t see it. But trust me – it is 2- 3 months of perfect and 9-10 months rain and drizzle. People visit during the summer, fall in LOVE with the place, move there, and then…. it rains. A lot!
We are, we don’t want all of you moving out here when you realize how amazing it is.
Don’t tell anyone!
I had the same thing with London! Every time I have visited.. it has never rained!
I live in Chicago, and its not like in the aisle. I just walked to the pharmacy counter, and asked for it, and they rang me right up right there. it was NBD at all. This was like 3 months ago?
I live in Chicago! And I even got it at a Dominicks!
LW,
You guys should go teach English in asia. Good luck
On the other hand, some rich infertile couple would probably love to adopt your child. There is also open adoption I have seen it work well.
I just hope this LW isn’t the same one who wrote something like” I live at home My parents will cut me off and stop paying for college if I move in with my BF. What should I do?” And Wendy said something like “Don’t be a bonehead. Suck it up and live with your parents until you finish college” and I chimed in with “Go ahead and move out, move in with said BF, drop out of college and while your at it get pregnant!” with sarcasm intended so that she would do just the opposite and listen to Wendy. Dear God, I fervently hope that this wasn’t the same LW!!!
i think we need a sarcasm font to prevent this from happening again in the future 😉
Hahaha…it actually seems like a good guess for which LW this girl was. You have power!