“I Can’t Afford The Charity Holiday Party I Agreed to Go To”
My husband was recently laid off and I do not have the money for this type of thing! Now I want to bow out of the party, but my dilemma is two-fold: I know if I tell them I cannot afford to come, they’ll tell me to come anyway. How awkward! Next, I know that if I now respond with the standard, “I’m sorry but something came up,” they will know I’m fibbing – I really don’t want to tick-off anyone.
How do I now, after the fact, decline to go without embarrassing myself (I don’t want to advertise I can’t afford it or my husband is unemployed) or sending an excuse that is clearly an excuse! Help! – Am I a Grinch?
Well, so what if you send an excuse that’s clearly an excuse? What happens then? Why are you loathe to do this? Is it about offending the hosts, who are not your core group of friends? Is it about feeling embarrassed in front of them? Is it about appearing a way you’re uncomfortable appearing? All of these potential concerns are worth exploring and considering and then… moving the hell on.
You know why it’s time to move on from worrying about what people other people think of you – especially people who aren’t important to you? Because it simply doesn’t matter and the other people clearly are not thinking about your feelings and reactions. If they were, they wouldn’t have done a bait-and-switch on you, letting you believe they were inviting you to a holiday party when they were, in fact, inviting you to a charity event. Come on, that’s a pretty shady move, and any etiquette expert would agree. And, yet, YOU are the one agonizing over how to respond, as if you’re somehow responsible for this breech in manners.
Like a lot of us women, you were probably socialized to prioritize others’ needs over your own, and I want you to know that we’re done with that now. This is the era of prioritizing your own needs first, setting boundaries, doing what YOU want to do and NOT doing what you don’t want to and don’t have to do.
You don’t have to go to this party, it doesn’t sound like you really want to go to this party, and going would cause anxiety in some way – anxiety about spending money you don’t have or anxiety about the awkwardness of not financially contributing to a charity fundraiser. So, don’t do it! Any anxiety you might feel about being caught making an excuse is probably a lot less than the anxiety you’d feel if you went to the party, right? So, send your regrets, feel awkward or embarrassed for a few minutes, and then move on. I promise, once you start saying no to things you don’t want to and don’t have to do, it gets easier and easier and the relief and freedom you’ll feel is pretty immediate.
Try it out – just say: “Hey so-and-so, I realized there was a mix-up in my schedule and it turns out I’m not available to attend the holiday party after all. Please accept my regrets.”
Your future self who will be spending a cozy evening at home instead of an uptight event exchanging gifts she didn’t want to buy for gifts she would never choose for herself will thank you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
It is NEVER OK to invite or offer something to someone without telling them they will have to pay, and exactly how much! I can’t believe people are still doing this socially, but I also see it happening professionally sometimes!