“I Don’t Want to be His Secret Anymore”
We’re secret lovers and I’m not cool with that, but I don’t see any other way. We’ve flirted with each other in years past and have come close to getting together, but I hesitated to go there. Two months ago I called him to check in on his sister who was having health issues. I hadn’t talked to him in 12+ years. To make a long story short, we somehow ended up talking about us and how much we missed each other. By the end of that conversation he asked if he could call me/text me. From there we started talking on the phone and texting each other.
We have a lot in common in the way of morals and values but enough difference to balance each other out. My heart feels right at home with him as far as these things are concerned. We talk about longing to be together. However, he doesn’t have vacation time with his job, and, although I have many hours of vacation time, money is tight.
We do a whole lot of texting and talk on the phone three times a week. We send our regular 7:30 a.m. “good morning” text messages and reconnect at 8 or 9 in the evening for an hour or two. When we talk on the phone, I can hear how much he loves me. We have quality telephone conversations. But our text conversations, with their frequent long pauses, make me feel disconnected, like a pen pal. I just talked to him about scheduling telephone calls in the evening around his favorite shows. I don’t want to harass him about this. I love spontaneity…like random text messages and unexpected telephone calls. I initiate spontaniety because that’s how I am. He used to be more spontaneous too, but that has tapered off. I don’t want him to think I’m being over zealous or trying to smother him. What advice can you offer me? — Not Just a Pen Pal
First of all, let’s get this out of the way: you’re not really in a relationship, long distance or otherwise. At most, you have a friendship with this man, but it’s not a romantic relationship. If you haven’t seen each other in over a dozen years and the only communication you have is through texts and phone calls, with no plans to visit one another, then this just isn’t a relationship. Does that mean that your friendship can’t eventually turn into a relationship? No. But you aren’t in one yet.
And I think you know that on some level because the subtext of your whole letter is basically asking: “Does he want a relationship with me?” And I can’t answer that question. The good news is that HE can. All you have to do is ask. Ask him if he wants what you want – a real relationship where you invest some effort, time, and even money. And then see if his actions back up his words. If he says he DOES want a relationship but he can’t be bothered to make time to talk with you because TV, that doesn’t support his claim. See what happens when you tell him you have plenty of vacation time to come see him but not enough money to travel. Does he offer to help with the travel costs? Does he express sadness that you can’t afford to see him? Does he mention when HE might be able to come see you? If not, then that’s a pretty strong indication that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
You say that your families are “close” and that you aren’t sure how they’d feel if you two were “together.” For argument’s sake, let’s say you two are related. Cousins, maybe. Would that have something to do with his lack of commitment to you? With his seeming hesitation in embracing a real relationship with you? Sure. And understandably so. It may seem exciting to be in a taboo relationship, but, if the anxiety of being discovered is so great that it stops at least one of you from moving forward, then what’s the point?
If you’re worried about what your family would think and you don’t know when or how you can afford to see each other and you don’t communicate as much as you’d like then what’s the point? I say find someone locally to have real dates with. Try the dating apps. Tell your friends you’re looking. Try speed dating or singles events. Cast a wider net, because, I promise, there ARE other fish in the sea. Even ones outside your, um, familial and familiar circle.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
ha, im glad wendy theorized they are cousins- that was my first guess too! LW, why “cant” you guys be in a relationship? what is this “lets just say our families are close” line? you cant just leave shit like that out! its important!
other then that, you feel like a pen pal because you ARE a pen pal. if you both want to have a real relationship, you will both have to work towards that. if one or both of you isnt willing to put the work/time/money in, it wont work. period. you need to accept that reality, and make appropriate choices within that reality.
YES! How can they be secret lovers when they haven’t had sex?????
Does “lovers” really have to imply sex? I think two people can be romantically into each other without having sex.
So yeah, I’m definitely thinking these two are cousins (which, whatever. I’m fine with that, but I get why it means their family would be weirded out).
Anyway, LW. There’s more problematic things about this “relationship” than the fact that you may be related. Let’s start with the things you CAN control— your mindset & approach. “I don’t want to harass him about this. I love spontaneity…I initiate spontaneity… He used to be more spontaneous too, but that has tapered off. I don’t want him to think I’m being over zealous or trying to smother him…” No, no, no. That fun back-and-forth of initial courtship, the exchanges that feel oh-so-spontaneous & exciting, is a temporary stage. You’re at the point now where you CAN evaluate ~with him~ WTF is going on with you both. You are at that point, even if you’re *not* in a relationship.
Which, I agree with Wendy that you’re not. That’s okay; you can still ask him to contact you more, if that’s what you want, & see how he responds. You can still ask if this is going anywhere, or if it’s a fun, flirtatious distraction for him. AND you can even ask yourself if that’s what this is for you. Do you even WANT a relationship with someone that needs to keep you a secret, who lives 4 states away? Or maybe this pen pal thing is ALSO just a distraction for you?
If you find yourself resistant to the idea of talking things over with him like the two adults that you are— ask yourself, then, why? Do you like this fraught stage of knowing nothing? Do you want to prolong this extended courtship, where you chat & talking about “longing” to be together, while never actually making plans *to* be together? If so, why? Are you avoiding more accessible relationships? Or maybe you don’t really want a relationship, you just want to feel wanted? It’s okay to feel all of these things, but, I don’t know. I guess my advice is: look inside, rather than outside at the possible motives of this long-distance guy, who won’t even get Skype in order to chat with you in between his favorite shows.
I don’t know what I find more disturbing: the possibility of sharing genes or the whole tone of this letter. LW, how do you get to the age of 43 and not have more inner strength? It’s just as Wendy says, 2 months of texting and phone calls are not a relationship. Don’t listen to what he says – watch his actions. Actions are always much louder than words and speak volumes to a man’s character.
hmmm.. random DW poll: are you cool with cousins dating?
im actually surprised to see two people say its ok… i just didnt think that was such an ok stance to take in western culture
There is definitely a level of commitment missing that would make this a relationship. My first thought was are you sure he’s single? Not necessarily married, but single. You don’t talk often, you don’t Skype, and long pauses between evening texts screams out to me that he is possibly hiding his communication with you from someone other than “family”.
2 hours on the phone every night and you feel like your conversation is rushed?!
Also, is he your cousin? Be honest. I got a cousin vibe here.
Like Wendy said you’re not in a ldr, you’re in a long distance friendship. Which is fine, if that’s what you want. But, it’s obvious it’s not. Just ask him if he actually wants to be in a relationship and then see if he shows you that’s true.
And the whole ‘close’ thing is just a completely different part to this. I would ask myself if the idea of a relationship was worth potentially damaging relationships within your family. Even if the majority of strangers on the internet are ok with you dating, it doesn’t mean you’re family will be. Is what you feel with him worth it?
And when you can hear that he ‘loves’ you on the phone what does that mean. Are you sure it’s romantic love and not another form of love? Honestly, it sounds like you’re just not in the right place/time to be together. Even if all of the other things were worth it.
People have breaks in texting because they have to lead other lives. They have to work and grocery shop and cook and scoop cat litter and pick their nose. Do you really think he should pick his nose and respond to you at the same time? That’s what texting is for: multi-tasking. You can’t have committed, full length conversations over text. Either don’t text at all or take it as an extra thing. Don’t get upset about it.
I guess these little phone convos and texts are all some people need? Which is fine I suppose. I mean, its not a relationship so you should know that, but if its satisfying your need for a touch of attention and flirting, knock yourself out.
I don’t get how “he used to be more spontaneous too, but that tapered off”. You’ve been “together” for 2 months. How is that even enough time for a behavior to be established, let alone taper off? And you can hear that he loves you? Well, of course he does, you guys are cousins (or…basically cousins because of how close your families are maybe?). You love him and his family enough to call his sister when she is sick. Love alone does not make a relationship.
How does one hear how much someone loves them? What?
You’ve been together 2 months, you’re being needy and over dramatic. Slow your roll.
I agree with you, but I’m really commenting to thank you for making me realize it was slow your “roll” and not “role” like I always assumed. I thought it was slow your “position”, like don’t get ahead of yourself. Always thought it was a strange phrase. Now I see I was an idiot 🤦🏻♀️😂
All other obstacles aside, including the possible familial relationship or the fact that there really isn’t a real romantic one here, what I’m really hearing from you is that you’re afraid to ask for your needs at all. Wendy’s giving you permission but I want to put this more generally.
You probably don’t want to be in a relationship with someone to only please them and not yourself. Part of being in a relationship is getting your own needs met. Why do you want to be with someone who won’t fulfill your needs, so much that you won’t even ask for them? It’s not nagging to indicate how important something is to you.
It’s great that you have good talks with this fellow (when his shows are not interfering) but it sounds like where it’s at is just fine with him. Without actions to back up his words, you’re just being served some koolaid here…
Imagine a guy who is eager to see you, willing to have a yard-sale so he can fund a ticket, went right out and got more minutes, shopped at the goodwill for a used webcam..did something, anything that showed his real interest in furthering a good thing..imagine that.
You need to talk to him and be honest. Find out if what he wants and what you want are the same thing.
Sometimes it is nice to have someone to just talk to, but it does not mean you are in a relationship and have the responsibilities of a relationship.
OMG so many things.
You are in your 40s and you are still worried what your family might think? Like Wendy, I wondered if you were related? Or maybe the Hatfields & McCoys? And you’ve done nothing but text and talk on the phone? Are you SURE you’re in your 40s? You need to talk to this guy about whether you are really in a relationship and where he sees this going. I don’t think you’re on the same page. Or book, even.
I may need to reread, but I didn’t initially think “cousins.” Could it be that they’re the same sex or that one is the ex or widow of a relative? Those would both be taboo in many families, too.
Off to reread.
whose idea is the secrecy? I’m just wondering, if it’s really that they are closely related. if she hasn’t seen the guy in 12 years, hell given how they are communicating and the timing he might be married or living with someone…just sayin it’s pretty classic cheater behavior
Geez, at your age, at midlife, you should not need to be secret about your relationship, unless you are affair partners. Who cares what your parents’ think?