“I Feel Like My Boyfriend’s Sibling”
Not one single day or night passes that Greg doesn’t need to go “next door.” I work till 7 or 8 some days and all I want to do is sit down, have a glass of wine, and talk with Greg. But no — I pull up to our driveway and he’s sitting next door, so then I’m in a situation where I don’t want to go out of the car because I want to chill in my own house, and if I don’t go next door, I look really rude. Not only that — we go out with his parents every weekend and go on holiday with them every year (not once have we gone away alone). Yes, it’s lovely that Greg loves spending time with his parents, but I feel more like his sister than his partner! We never have date nights, and I can count on my hands how many times we’ve gone out on our own since living there. We are always with them all the time, and when I ask when we’re going out on our own, he tells me to stop moaning.
I suggest so many times that we need to move out so our relationship can grow, but he shrugs it off and says we will, and then nothing comes of it. So I start looking at houses and start showing him some pictures, but it’s always like, “No, I don’t like that,” or “No, I don’t want to live there.” It’s like nowhere is going to be good enough for him.
What should I do? — Tired of Feeling Like His Sister
You can stop searching for houses because moving to a new house isn’t going to solve your problem. Your problem isn’t where you live; it’s that Greg doesn’t seem to have any regard for you and the two of you don’t spend time together. A new house, while maybe putting physical distance between you and Greg’s parents, isn’t going to fix those things. Maybe nothing will fix those things because, if Greg truly has no regard for you (as opposed to simply having trouble expressing his regard for you), that’s sort of a deal-breaker. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t care about you.
So, how do you find out whether he cares and how do you spend more time together? Easy — you stop waiting for him to decide when and where and what you’re going to do together and you start making plans for the two of you. I’d suggest starting with a weekly date night and making it a tradition, so that you both know, “Ok, it’s Thursday night, and every Thursday night we go play trivia down at the such-and-such bar.” Or: “It’s Saturday night, and every Saturday we go to our favorite pizza place and then go bowling afterwards.” And if he tries to invite his parents along, say no, this is for the two of you and your relationship. And if he’s not interested in investing in your relationship, there’s your answer to all of this right there.
Finally, you’ve been with this guy since you were 17, and it’s understandable that you stay with him despite what sounds a crappy relationship, simply because it’s all you know and it feels comfortable and familiar. That’s not a good reason to stay stuck, though. If you don’t get this relationship on a better track in three months, you need to move on. There’s no good age to settle down in a crappy relationship, but 25 (and with no marriage and no kids) is a particularly young age to basically give up.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I wonder, also, if you are paying full rent on the place. If you aren’t then you have much less freedom about how to take up the space. It sounds, either way, that he takes you for granted and doesn’t know and might not even care about how the arrangement if effecting you.
I think this relationship has run its course. He doesn’t seem super into it. You don’t seem very happy. You want certain things and he doesn’t. He isn’t willing to consider them or change. He’s content for things to continue as they are, which is you too being like siblings.
You can assume that if your boyfriend wanted to spend the evening alone with you he would. His parents aren’t forcing him to spend the evening in their home, he is choosing to do that. I bet that when he first started seeing you 8 years ago he didn’t show up with his parents. He was seeing you because he wanted to be with you. Now he doesn’t care. His actions are screaming his indifference or even his desire to avoid you in the evening.
If you tell Greg how you feel about him spending all his free time with his parents, and his only response is ‘stop nagging’, then sorry honey – this is not a very good relationship.
.
You guys are in dire need of some serious communication. Sit him down and tell him you want to talk about something important. Tell him that the limited alone time and attention he’s giving you are making you feel unloved and taken for granted. Tell him that it’s making you feel like his sister, and that you see no point in being in a relationship if you feel that way in it. Tell him you’ll have to walk away if your needs can’t be met (don’t manipulate him with this or use it as a bargaining chip! Put it on the table if that’s how you feel, and be prepared to stick to it).
.
After all that, you two can discuss HOW both your needs can be met. Maybe a weekly date night, a ‘home along night’, or something else entirely. Wendy has excellent suggestions. But most of all, what you need to look for from him is a *willingness* to compromise, to please you and fulfil your needs. If the willingness isn’t there, there is no foundation for a relationship.
Also, in case it needs to be said: BIRTH CONTROL! BIRTH CONTROL! BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!! Definitely DO NOT have a baby with this guy!
Seems to me that after so many years together, growing up together, he doesn’t have the nerve to tell you it’s over so he’s passively pushing you into breaking up with him.
If he doesn’t want to move, why don’t you move out on your own? Did you have an opportunity to do that yet, or did you go straight from your parents house to living with your boyfriend, basically at his parents house? That’s not giving you the opportunity to be independent, which is something I think everyone should do. You can find roommates if you need to, but it’s really not necessary to live with your boyfriend. In fact, if you live apart, maybe you’d both be more likely to put in some effort to actually dating. Or realize that you’re better off without him.
I feel for you. I really do. You didnt know what you were getting into. But NOW you do. You are dating a little boy who wont let go of his mother’s titty.
Tell him that you are moving. If he wants to come then great. If not, he can move in with mommy and daddy and you are free to move on to a real man.
Wow. When I was coming of age in the 80s and 90s, it felt like my peers were not settling down—and I WAS unusual for getting married at 21. I cannot imagine the guys I was interested in at age 17 suiting me at 25. It sounds like you are clinging to the wreckage.