“I Hate Seeing My Friends Have Babies”
My partner has a child from a previous marriage and has had a vasectomy since then. When we first got together, I told him I wanted kids and he said he was open to IUI. He has since changed his mind. I feel like I should have been smarter and not had blinders on. I entertained the idea of a life with him without kids and it seemed better than being chronically single. We have a lot in common, we have mutual friends, and he is handsome, respectful, and makes me laugh due to his quirky mannerisms.
I understand why my partner doesn’t want kids. His last child was unplanned and he was still a child himself when it happened. His marriage and child financially ruined him. He worked two jobs into his early 30s. I don’t need to change him.
Yet here I am choosing not to leave him and bemoaning the fact that I might never have kids. It is gut-wrenching to imagine a childless future because I really don’t know what that would look like. It’s just existentially terrifying empty space. I think I’m worried that at 37 it’s too late for me; I’m worried I won’t find anyone else.
To add to the complication, I’m burnt out at my job and cannot imagine teaching and being a mom at the same time. Yet I’m terrified to pivot jobs. I wish I had more energy. I’m starting to understand why people tell younger women to have children instead of waiting. Teaching was easier in my 20s than it is in my 30s. I have zero clue how to move forward but know I need to make decisions and not just “let life happen.” I want to feel empowered with my decision and properly grieve whatever I need to grieve and try and build a good life even if it is not perfect.
I just hate seeing my friends fuss over infants with their attentive husbands. It feels like I’m getting stabbed. — 37 and Clueless
I’m gonna share a secret with you that maybe no one has told you and maybe – probably – you haven’t figured out on your own yet: None of us has a perfect life. None of us has it completely together. None of us feels totally fulfilled in every facet of our lives all the time. And I don’t know anyone your age or older who feels 100% confident in all the decisions they’ve made in life and never questions how things might have been if they’d chosen a different path. And those friends of yours with the attentive husbands who are fussing over their infants? Trust that their lives are not picture-perfect, and behind closed doors (or in spaces you aren’t visiting or where you aren’t paying close enough attention because you’re thinking about your own issues), they have struggles, too.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “comparison is the thief of joy,” and it’s true. It’s true because it’s human nature to compare the hardest or least desirable parts of our own lives to the highlight reels of someone else’s. It’s easy to overlook what’s less desirable in another person’s life because we aren’t usually privy to those details. This feeling is partly a byproduct of social media, but envy predates Instagram. It’s always been around, only now the images of a curated life are in our faces and it’s easy to forget that those images are just part of a larger story (and often, not even the main part).
What helps me, and what I know would help you, is focusing on your own life and your own story. Tune out the noise that’s keeping you from hearing your inner voice or your soul’s plea for what it truly wants. Maybe that means muting folks you follow on social media (or deactivating your social media accounts altogether), maybe that means taking a break from spending time in person with your friends whose lives you envy. Maybe, while you have the summer off from teaching, you could prioritize your emotional and spiritual well-being with all the things that you know work for you (whatever those things might be) and the things you’ve heard have helped others find and hear their inner voices. Things like meditation, therapy, yoga, long walks, spending time in nature, spending time in or near bodies of water, and pursuing hobbies that bring joy. Start creating healthy habits over the summer that you can continue – maybe on a smaller level – through the school year.
If you’re suffering from ennui and feeling burnt out and unsure of yourself and what you want, I’d also suggest talking with your doctor. You may have clinical depression, which can be treated in a variety of ways (your doctor can help you figure out what treatment would work best for you). If you are, in fact, depressed, your depression may be a symptom of something else (like a thyroid disorder, for example). A series of lab tests could help rule out or pinpoint a medical explanation for your feelings.
Finally, even if there’s no medical reason for your feeling the way you do, please know that these feelings are normal and that they’re temporary (as are many personal circumstances that one may have feelings about). Feelings are not facts. They don’t define you. And if there are feelings you WANT to have – like feelings of empowerment – you can absolutely take actions to help create or nurture those feelings.
If making a solid decision is what will help empower you, then make some decisions. These decisions don’t have to be big stakes to begin with. Housing changes, vacations/travel, and classes are things you can make a decision about that could have a huge impact without too much risk. Once you begin stepping outside your comfort zone, it’s a little easier to venture out further, and as you explore different possibilities, something magical happens: You become more decisive about which path will lead you to better fulfillment (and sometimes this happens by realizing what your DON’T want).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Please know that it today’s world, if you are financially stable, have your own home, etc. you can have a child by yourself. You can find a sperm bank, use IUI through a reproductive doctor and have be a single mom by choice. I made this choice for myself. I was 35 when I felt like my time was running out, I did research, talked to my family an closest friends as it takes a village and they were all on board to give any support needed. At 37 I welcomed a beautiful healthy baby girl.
Me, too! Way better than being in a crappy marriage or divorced with shoestrings… And I didn’t/don’t have a “village”!
Thank you. Hugs
Letter-writer, you say you don’t know what a childless future looks like. Let me tell you, you might have an Insta fantasy idea of what parenthood would look like but the fact is you 100% do not *know* what that will look loke either. Kids come out all kinds of ways and place all kinds of unforeseeable demands on parents, and on their parents’ relationship. There is so much room for gratitude for the life you have now. I hope you find it.
❤️
I welcomed a healthy baby at the age of 42 after resolving to partner off with someone I had known for years in just to start a family. Best single decision I even made in my life. My only regret is not trying for another baby while I still could. (See – we all have regrets!) You are right not to let life happen to you. If you want a kid, have a kid. But don’t spend time wallowing and evying while life passes you by.
I know Wendy and commenters have mentioned the issues with comparing our lives to those of our friends, but I think that’s somewhat of a red herring, LW. You wrote that you always knew you wanted children. But for some reason you have compromised on that and stayed in a relationship with someone who might grudgingly agree to have one with you. Why? I think you need to sit with yourself and, through introspection, figure out your priorities. Which is more important: having children or being in a relationship with this man? Either choice is fine, but it’s up to you. No one else can decide this for you, and, as Sartre said, not choosing is a choice.
Obviously it sounds like your preference, understandably, is to have both an attentive husband and at least one child. But biology being what it is I do think you need to be realistic. If you haven’t found such a partner by a certain age, are you willing to have a child on your own? Having a timeline and next steps planned out can be helpful. Best of luck to you!
WWS and I’d like to add:I met the love of my life at 45, a few years after ending a ten-year relationship. We had a baby almost ten months ago and he is a delight. Is life perfect? No, but it’s pretty great. Go for what you want in life!
Do you really want children? Or is it just weird seeing all of your friends transition to parenthood at the same time? I guess I don’t understand why you’re with this man who doesn’t want children. I guess they are expensive- mine have also “financially ruined me,” (is that really what he says about his kid?) but it’s been a delight and a joy having them. No regrets. I would be financially ruined many times over quite happily if they just asked me to be.
It is your life. You just have to choose, and live with it.
Do you love your partner so much you’ll stay with him? Something about your letter and the way you worded the “attentive husbands” thing, it makes me feel like he’s not the man for you. I’m really glad your friends have attentive husbands. Some have alcoholics, or abusers, or financially reckless absent parents. Is your partner a good partner to you? Is he attentive to you? Do you feel loved or like you are wasting your time? I think if my husband and I had no kids I would still be gloriously happy with him- albeit bored and fat from dinners out, because he’s so attentive and caring towards me. He truly takes care of me. Do you have a partner for life or someone who you view as a financial burden? Are you jealous of the babies or the attention the women seem to be getting from their men?
I meant does he see you as a financial burden?
Have a baby on your own. You can always find a partner, but you won’t always be able to have a baby.
LW, I’m your age. You actually do still have time to meet someone new, marry, and have kids. If you’re only staying in your current partnership because you’re scared, that’s… not great.
I could rattle off a list of friends and family who did not meet their partners, marry, or have kids until their late 30s or early 40s. I know that’s all anecdotal, but they’re not random outliers. For a variety of reasons, plenty of people don’t arrive at this stage until later in life.
I think it’d be worth your while to speak to a therapist. You seem paralyzed in your relationship and career. Speaking very openly and honestly with a neutral third party may be very beneficial for you to help you sort out what it is you really want and help you have the confidence to make those decisions.
I always wanted children. I even had a plan that at 40 I would adopt if necessary. Then I met my husband and two years later he developed leukemia. The treatments saved his life, but left him sterile. We married at 47. All I can say is that we all have dreams of our life as we want it, but sometimes reality throws us curve ball. You just have to figure out the non-negotiables in your life.
I am now a wonderful “auntie” to so many!
I guess you need to figure out if you really want children. You don’t want to stay with this guy and end up resenting him later down the line.
For me I am also a teacher and knew I really wanted children. I was in a 12 year relationship which broke up at the age of 30. I worried I’d never have a child. I’m now 39 with a four year old and no longer with his Dad. Being a Mum is the best thing thing ever, there is no feeling quite like it. I probably wouldn’t have more with no partner but if I hadn’t of had my child I would of definitely considered other options such as adoption etc.
Don’t let this man’s choices dictate your choices. He doesn’t want children and he made it biologically impossible to do so (unless reversed). If what you truly want is kids you need to leave him. Maybe take some time this summer to figure out if that’s what you truly want or if you are just envious of all the attention and gushing and congratulations that your friends are getting. It makes it seem like having kids is the be all end all and people are just SO EXCITED for the most amazing blessing!!! I say this tongue in cheek as someone who has 2 children myself – I find the gushing on social media to be nauseating and even I’ve turned those people off. Maybe I’m a grouch but I find social media and the incessant fishing for congratulations to be exhausting. It’s also tough because you have to adjust to relating to your friends differently. You could take a solo trip like a week away without your bf to do some soul searching to figure it all out. In the meantime disable all social media. There’s no reason for you to know that someone you went to high school with but otherwise have had no contact with is doing xyz in their life.
I know this is costly but have you thought about storing your eggs? It might save you some headache and bide you some time. But I also think you need to decide whether you can live without kids and stay with your boyfriend or it will be a lifelong regret. Then make some changes. Empower yourself. Be the change you want to be.